How long before you start dating again?

[swargolet]

So how long should someone wait before dating again?
I'm talking about for the people that were hurt from the breakup and might still be hurting.

I know most of you are going to say that there is no time limit and that you should move forward when it feels right.

I'm wondering if it is bad to date so fast after a break-up because most of the time you would be daring that person for the wrong reason, or is it better to try and find another person after a break-up as they will help you get over your break-up?
It just seems bad to date someone if you still have feelings for your ex or if you are still hurt by the break-up.

Right now I am interested in this girl that is in 3 of my classes. I have been flirting with her and she has been flirting back, we have worked together in group projects. Only reason I'm not asking her out on a date is because I am still hurt about my recent break-up (its been a little over a month) and I do still think about my ex a lot. I honestly just can't see myself having strong feelings for another girl right now. I just dont know if I should pursue it or not.

[Charlie Boy II]

I reckon the sooner the better. The more you shift your attention on to another individual, the quicker you'll get over her.

[Gigabitch]

Nothing wrong with it as long as you are honest about it. DON'T dump on her about your ex, but explain that you're still in recovery and therefore have to take things slow.

[swargolet]

The last thing I would do is constantly talk about an ex. I hate it when I hear people talking about an ex it just seems rude. You are there to be with them not to talk about some other girl.

I just dont want to date her for the wrong reason then end up realizing that I am and then break-up with her because of my problems. It just seems wrong.

[Indignant]

I know most of you are going to say that there is no time limit and that you should move forward when it feels right.

then why ask in the first place? it seems like you have all the answers as is.

[Gigabitch]

Well, can't you date casually without jumping into a committed relationship?

[swargolet]

Eh... my brother told me it is about 1 month for every 6 months youve been together. Someone in one of my other threads said something similar to this, "Dont go off of these formulas because if you get over it faster then what this tells you to then you will feel as if you should still be sad, but if you take longer then you might feel as if you are different and messed up in a way"
Really that is true. Everyone is different and there is no set time to get over a break-up
and yes Daniel, that is exactly what I'm worried about. I'm worried I'd just be dating so quickly because I feel like i have to have someone. Yes I am not a person that like to be alone in General. I like being with people, gf, friends, family anyone doesnt mean I wont do things alone though.

Also indi, the reason I ask is because that is what most people would say but that is not the kind of answer I am looking for. I would like to know if although I might not be completely over my ex and I might still be hurt and it might not feel right to date again, is it OK to date again for the things that could come out of it, such as being able to get over the break-up faster. Also is it likely that when the pain of the break-up fades I will still want to date the new person? Or will they end up being a crutch that ill "throw away" when they arent needed anymore?

There was a 2 year gap in between my last 2 relationships. Yes there were small flings here and there but I really didnt jump into anything too huge. I kinda feel like small flings are mostly High school things and that college+ relationships should be a little more serious.

[Lite]

then why ask in the first place? it seems like you have all the answers as is.

Because either they want reassurance that the answer they know to be true is the right one, or they want someone else to excuse them to make a poor decision and react emotionally about the situation rather than logically for their own good.

Kind of why I was so angry at the guy about a month ago who wanted to move in on his recently separated friend even though he said he knew it'd be the wrong thing to do, then kept saying he could just be the lady's friend. He wanted our excuse to behave poorly.

[Lite]

Break-ups are a mourning process. Not everyone processes them fully or in the same manner or at a set speed. There are definitely steps to it, but you're mourning the death of a relationship and the removal of a person's presence from your life.

Entering into a relationship while mourning will generally create a codependent relationship that could be potentially even more emotionally harmful, or produce a rebound scenario where you're transferring your emotions onto the new person in the old person's place as a form of punishment for going away. Then you discard the new person once you've used up anything they can give you in the form of relief.

[Cbrider]

Theres no time frame, its a matter of when you feel like you can step forward and have a life w/o that person in it.

Like people said, don't dump on the new person about your ex and be careful not to compare. If you were hurt you are going to have a tendency to search out potential pitfalls in a new person, just make sure you don't make assumptions. You just need to go into it with a clean head.

Good luck.

[swargolet]

AH! So many different views on this. They arent major differences but minor ones.

I should probably mention that the girl that I have been pursuing (I dont like that word, sounds like a game) she recently got out of a relationship. I do not know how long they were dating but I know the break-up was mutual, so maybe she is looking to get into a relationship quickly also and it might just be one big train wreck.

Someone said above that I should just date casually and not really expect too much out of it. I think I will do just that. I guess it doesnt hurt at all. Now I just hope I can stick to not expecting too much from it and view it just as a casual date not anything more than that.

Also, I do consider myself to be respectful of others, which is why I'm so hesitant about this all. So ya you really shouldnt worry about me dumping all my crap on her. That is what you guys are here for!

[chipmunkz]

one year to start again

[Lite]

one year to start again

Yes, because people can always afford to lose one year of their life. You know, have 7 1-year relationships go bad, take another additional 7 years off to recover. That's only what? 14 years out of a possible 60-85 you have? If you live THAT long?

[swargolet]

Ya I think 1 year is a little long. From all your responses this is my general view on it.

Give yourself 1 month to pull yourself together a little bit, then start looking at casual dating but dont look at the date is the start of a serious relationship because you might just be viewing this person as someone that will fill the void in your life.

3 months down the road start opening up more and at this point you should start viewing these dates as a little more. If you feel like you could comfortably live without a girldfriend and feel like there isnt a void there then maybe try to make the date a little more special.

6 months down the road. I'd say at this point you should be almost completely "healed" and ready to get back on your feet if you havent done so already.

Yes this is just a general time line that I gathered from everyones posts, things I felt, and other online articles. Ya there are many factors such as how well a person can take care of themseleves, how long the relationship was, and many other ones, but I think this is a good general time line.

What do you guys think? Feel free to add to it.

[Gigabitch]

Looking back at my own history, no formulas make any sense. Some guys I was over almost immediately. Others, I think I'm still hurting about. I got my heart broken in 1994 and if I happen to hear the guy's name mentioned it still feels like a knife in the heart.

After I got divorced, I was ready to start dating almost immediately. I waited for a while just to be sure because it seemed so impossible.

I don't know if you can date someone for "the wrong reason" as long as you know what that reason is and don't purport yourself to be something you're not. The reason for dating is to spend time with other people, looking for potential mates. Seems pretty straightforward.

Anyway, swargolet, I doubt you would do anything hurtful or emotionally irresponsible. Maybe you should trust yourself to be able to date someone without wreaking havoc.