Girl that I know for 5 years - please help

[dl555]

My story is about me knowing a girl that I met almost 5 years ago. We worked at the same place. When we first met, she was really into me and wanted to start a relationship. The problem was that at the same time I was already in a relationship (which wasn't doing so well and was bound to end). However, me and her still decided to see each other. I really did like her. No I did not have sex with her or ever offered to because I didn't see her as my 2nd option or side piece however you call it. I'm not like that in any way. I was very honest with her and told her I was seeing someone else. We continued to see and talk to each other. We had very similar interests and likes. We enjoyed each other very much. I've never had a better time in the short time we knew each other. We talked about everything and enjoyed each others company.
However, as time went by I noticed that she started to pull away from me little by little. Knowing that I was seeing someone else must have made her to stop trying. It came to a point where she stopped completely and I heard no more from her. She also changed jobs later. A few weeks later my current relationship ended. I took some time off to heal but still thinking of this new girl.

Some 3 months went by and I wanted to look for her. I gave her a call and she was shocked that I called her. We talked a few times and I asked if I can meet up with her. We met up one day and she told me how she was doing and all. I found out that she had a boyfriend and I was deeply heartbroken. I still tried to talk to her here and there. She told me how I let her down when we first met and how she felt so heartbroken and that she thought I had no interest in her. I still used to call her and we'd talk at times. She, however, would sometimes ignore my calls or just stay on the phone for just a few minutes. Sometimes I would get mad when I call and she wouldn't pick up. Or if I left a text message and she wouldn't reply. I eventually had to stop talking to her knowing she had a boyfriend and this will slowly kill me (which was).
A little under a year later she finds me on AIM and we talked. She told me her boyfriend left her. She then asked me What would be my response if she asked to be my girlfriend. This came as a shock for me. I got mad because I took it as if I'm her backup or rebound guy now that her boyfriend was gone. We got into a little argument. I told her NO angrily and we stopped talking for a while.

Another 4 or 5 months pass by. Alone again I began to bring back the memories of her. I couldn't hold it any longer and decided to get in contact with her. I called her one day feeling very down and depressed. She asked me if I was ok. I asked her if I can see her that same day. She kept asking me what was wrong and why I sounded down. We met up later that night. I picked her up in my car and we sat and talked. I told her how I still had feelings for her and that I wanted to be with her. She was really shocked I still wanted her. She thought I was having a family problem that's why she decided to meet with me in the first place. She completely put me down again telling me she was in a relationship with some new guy and that she was very committed and that she was happy with him. This perhaps was my worst break ever. I begged her to take me and that I would give and do anything to make her happy. I just couldn't hold being alone without her. She is everything to me. However she kept telling me she had a boyfriend and there was nothing I could do.

This took me away for the longest time without talking to her. I still thought of her everyday. Just the fact that if I were to call her I wouldn't be able to shake the feeling of knowing she was with someone else. So I kept away from her for a while. Still thinking of her and how I wished I can be with her.

Just recently, and this brings us to what's going on now, I signed up on Facebook. One day I find her and request her to befriend me. We exchanged info on how we were doing. I still thought of her but I didn't tell her. I told her I was ok. A few days later she asks me again how I was doing. We then started to text message each other regularly. We communicated a lot for days to come. I found out she wasn't with anyone. She also asked if I was seeing someone, which I wasn't. She tells me her new job has her working lots of hours and that she hardly has time to hang out with her friends and how she is saving a lot for school. We talk almost everyday and found out even more about each other than what we knew. I then asked her one day if we can just hang out. She said ok but she has no good available time. We had a planned Saturday but she had to cancel due to her boss calling her in to work. Time goes by and we still talk a lot but we have yet to see each other. I began thinking perhaps she is seeing another guy. I confronted her about it and she said she wasn't. She tells me she is so busy with work and that's the same excuse I hear all the time yet she tells me to give it time. I keep telling her I would like to see her after all this time and that I would really like to hang out already.

So here we are talking and talking and she has yet to hang out with me. She keeps giving me hope that we will work it out.
All I hear is excuse after excuse of work work work, that she is really tired after work and that she has little time. However, she tells me to give it time and things will work out between me and her... I confronted her a few times asking her questions like "How will this work if you cant see me?" She tells me to not draw away. She keeps giving me hope that we will work it out and to have patience.

What can I tell her? Can any ladies tell me what they think is going through her head?

I don't want her to leave and scare her but I'm at the point where I want to spill it out. I think of her everyday for the past 5 years. Yes I probably have a problem but I haven't met any girl like her in my life. I can't get over her. She is just what I dream of in a girl. She's beautiful, very smart, has goals, doesn't smoke, do drugs, or even drink. Yes I have dated a few girls in between when we didn't talk but I always thought of her. We've known each other for so long that I really want to make this work once and for all.

[Lite]

Well, is it a periodic busyness such as say, Tax Season, or end of year filings, or??

I know I'm extremely busy right now because my company just released its software into closed beta, with open beta coming in a few more weeks. Then a push on to final release a few weeks after that...

Which means I've been putting in 60+ hours per week for the last few weeks, get a breather this week, and then back to 60+ hour weeks for a while.

It's part of my job and while neither I nor my wife particularly enjoy it when it happens, it does.

As for your obsession with her, that's what it is. An obsession. You have this fake relationship with this false version of her in your head because you've never actually had a real relationship with her, that's had real problems, and that really require you to work through things.

You should really take a look at your expectations from her and let her be the representative of her half of the relationship, not your mind's version of her that you've put on a pedestal.

[dl555]

Thanks for the response Lite. I know I have an obsession. This has been going on for years now and is something that I just can't let go of.

[dl555]

well I just found out today that she is going out with some other guy. Apparently she lied to me every time I asked her if she was seeing someone. I can't even describe how I feel right now. It feels like my whole world just came crashing and I'm still falling.

[damn2008]

don't waste your time. You acted really 'needy' and this probably turned her away yet she liked the attention. If there was a geniune interest, she would've MADE the time to hang out with you. That's the way it works with these girls. You did enough chasing and she kept running straight to another dude.

Just back off, let her come to you if it doesn't work out with this guy. Or you might be better off looking elsewhere.

[dl555]

I will back off. Thanks damn2008. I just can't believe she would have done something like this to me. But you are right.

[UKboy]

well I just found out today that she is going out with some other guy. Apparently she lied to me every time I asked her if she was seeing someone. I can't even describe how I feel right now. It feels like my whole world just came crashing and I'm still falling.

Sorry to hear that.It happened to me twice too.Th first time i asked,she said she wasn't but the following month,they got into a r/s.The second time i asked was after their break up weeks later.Again,same thing,she said no but her actions were dictating otherwise.
Take it with a pinch of salt.
Occasionally she would even ask about the girls i've been hanging out with too but after sometime,it becomes stale.
You'll find out that you're nothing more than a float.Maybe she did liked you in the past but situations change,people change.
This same girl used to be really nice to me before her getting into a relationship.
You'll find that the hardest thing stopping you from moving on is because you're still living in the past.

Knowing that you're expressed everything and been real with her.The ball's in er court.If you're worth the call,they'll knock on your door.