LOOOONG story...

[flymetothemoo]

About two months ago I ended a four year relationship with "Joe". He and I met just under five years ago and had a very rocky start to our relationship. We were both young (19) and in transitional points in our lives. I really really wanted to be with him from the very moment I met him, but he did not feel the same way at first. I admit I played a few "games" with him. It took a few months for him to come around, but when he did, he felt a very intense attachment to me. It was almost a case of "be careful what you wish for" because he was really too attached for me.

At first I was thrilled about his change of heart, because it was what I had dreamed would happen. Suddenly he was madly in love, wanted no one but me and asked me to marry him within six months. We moved in together and were really moving along beautifully when I started to get cold feet.

I know it sounds very callous of me, but I spent two years of our relationship with doubts. The fact that he might be the LAST man I was ever with was daunting enough, but his uncontrolled anger was another issue. He grew up in a terrible environment with an abusive and hateful father and a mother more concerned about herself than her children. I know its not an excuse for anger, but we also shared our childhood experiences in common. In the last apartment we lived in together, he put six holes in the wall in less than six months. He never hit me, nor do I think he would have, but I was not prepared to take any chances. He has since sought therapy for his misguided emotional outbursts and it has completely ended the physical demonstrations.

After a year of REALLY agonizing over my decision, plus relationship counseling I decided to end our relationship and asked him to leave. I had been supporting him for most of the four years we were together, and felt NO guilt asking him to go home to his mom's house, as all the things we had acquired together were paid for by me and me alone. He did not argue.

Anyway, the reason I am writing is because in the two months since our split there has been a remarkable change in him. Suddenly he has a job, a car, an apartment and is acting responsibly. He wants to get back together because he says I am the woman for him. He says that he is willing to literally do ANYTHING it takes to get me back, and I know he means it. He is admitting to ALL of his mistakes, despite my insisting that we BOTH made mistakes. I have always loved him, but the love was not the reason I left in the first place. I needed to take care of myself.

I just wonder if anyone believes that people CAN change, because I really want to hope they can. I think he really does regret the way our love transpired and wants to make up for the wrongs of the past. I just don't know for sure if I believe that people CAN change. I see a change in him, but maybe it is just for my benefit. I would like to think that I am enough of a reason for him to change his life, but I am realistic enough to know it could just be manipulation. I really need some help because there is another really complicated issue I need to deal with.

Thanks for reading all of that and thank you in advance for any input!
C-

[Cbrider]

Opinions will vary from person to person about whether people can change or not. I believe deep down that people can change, but its not an easy process by any means. Personality cannot really be drastically changed but rather altered to be more positive, habits can be worked and reworked.

I use to be an angry kid at one point in my life. Around age 18, stress, depression, hormones and life in general kind of put a strangle hold on me and I became extremely angry very quickly. There was one time where I literally tackled my dad and slammed him into a wall in a fit of rage and hes 6'6" in good shape. I felt like I had no reign over myself and sought counseling to address it. No one has ever known that side of me since that day, family and friends live unaware of who I was at one point. I have never struck out at anyone other than self defense since then.

Conquering anger issues alone is a HUGE step in self development I think. You don't sit and count to ten or take a deep breath, it requires immense self control, something that I was lacking and had to learn.

The guy came from a broken home, as a male your father is your role model and you pretty much follow right in his footsteps in development. Sounds like your ex never even had a chance to get off on the right foot in this world.

The guy is showing considerable effort that he is trying to improve in his life, not just telling you he wants to. A job, a car, an apartment....in this economy? Hell I don't know if I could pull that all off in two months. He probably appreciated the relative calm he had around you, not being in his parents house. He didn't have to work for anything because you gave it to him, so what motivation did he have to actually do anything. Its not an excuse, just another way to see it. He could have easily walked away and picked up another girl that wouldn't make him work hard and make something of himself to be with her.

First and foremost, you need to decide if its what you want. If you have this urge to see other guys, get it out of your system and don't subject him to that kind of emotional torture, its not fun. As for him, hes proving through actions he wants to change, I have no doubts hes changing habits, but what you need to know is has he changed as a person. Material items break, stop working, expire, a soul doesn't.

[flymetothemoo]

Thank you for your response, it really helped me think about it more fairly. I think I am a bit resentful of the things that happened in the past. I know I love him and want to work things out with him, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to forgive and forget right now. I am still dealing with a lot of the fall out of his irresponsibility (i.e. unpaid bills, property damage, public opinion of him) and I am also angry at myself for letting this happen for so long. I am going out to dinner with him tonight so we can talk things over, and I think I am just going to tell him exactly how I feel right now and see what he says. He has already told me that he will wait for me, but I don't think it's fair to ask of him. I guess it is really up to him. If we both put in the time and work to heal old wounds and build a new, stronger relationship (this time based around TRUST and LOVE not anger!) it will be well worth the wait in the end. Sometimes it is true the only time will tell the story.

Thank you for your input and for sharing your own story. It sounds exactly like what "Joe" is going through. He is not a bad tempered or mean spirited man at all. I think my leaving him just made him realize how out of control his anger had gotten and that he finally needed to deal with the demons of his childhood. I think the therapy he is seeking now is helping him already, and he has adopted a much more disciplined approach to his life. He has told me that it is very difficult for him exercise self-control, but that he is determined to overcome this. For now I will be a supportive friend and let things happen when the time is right for both of us.

[Gigabitch]

If he can sustain this "New Joe" for a year, it will be more believable. Right now, he's just having a surge of motivation spurred by the shock of you kicking him out. Let him settle into he really is and THEN make your decision about taking him back, because right now, it's all just something he's trying on.

[bluesummer]

My ex-husband would go through some AMAZING changes everytime I left him. A new man, overnight.

Sadly, within a month or two, he was back to the 'real' him.

Like Giga said, be cautious of his new and improved self. That doesn't mean don't give him a chance, but don't fall for it completely. Stay living separate, maybe you could try dating, but I'd wait a long time before living together. Make him show he's capable and willing to maintain his new ways.