getting over infidelity..? (loooong)

[mamlakat]

hi.. i'm new here and there's something i've been wanting to ask massive questions about. the thing is.. over three years ago i started this long distance relationship.. where i thought we both were committed. we always clearly expressed our feelings after the first year of knowing each other (so we've known one another for four years, total). and to me an 'i love you' means you're willingly committing to love a person. so two years into this relationship, my partner tells me he has a girlfriend. he says it casually like it's no big deal.. i at first try to understand things and try to share that joy (mmm? i was stupid, i know..) but slowly the feeling of being cheated on started creeping up and i got fairly angry.. the worst part was that this person kept telling me he still cared about me.. and he'd get mad if i failed to.. rejoice at the pictures of him and her.. or rejoice that they'd gone out, and that they'd had fun and they were silly happy bunnies. of course i was just boiling everytime, and the relationship got quite bad and i didn't want him to keep seeing her but he was decided.. so after a while of much suffering and really the worst two month period of my entire life, i realised he was an idiot for doing that and i decided to accept that and move. but a few months later he contacts me again and tells me he still loves me and blah blah.. stupid me, i didn't hesitate to dive back into it... BUT, surprise surprise, this guy hadn't broken up his relationship with this other girl.. and i thought, well, i'm sure he will one day, soon, because if he's with me, if he's realised he wants *me* then he'll dump this other girl. but after we got back together, i still had to put up with another four months of them being together.. so i was like a sidedish really.. and for four months i had to still hear about how they'd be together and try to get myself to be cool about it because, yeah, i quite love that guy.. but it'd really mess with me everytime. everytime i had to hear her name i'd go into a rage and insane.. and we had a lot of trouble around this time because i couldn't really understand how he was still with her. and i never dared asked him to break it off because.. i am an idiot and i didn't want to pressure him cause i knew he was having a hard time. so at last he did, he broke up with her (after a total of seven months of relationship..) and that day i couldn't handle the guilt. he got so sad and depressed over it that i just couldn't help to feel horrible that i'd done that to him.. slowly we sort of got back on track. but this girl wasn't in the least bit out of the picture (over a year later, she still isn't) after that. i still had to hear about her constantly, and still i'd grow angry at him for seeing her.. in nothing more than a friendly way, he always promised, but still the image of her kept jumping back up at me on every occasion.. even if they weren't together anymore, they still had that bond that got me so angry.. and he'd tell me how much he cared for her, and how he couldn't leave her alone after breaking up with her because she needed him.. and that he felt responsible of looking after her because it was he who had done her wrong.. and it always really got to me that he'd be so kind and caring with her when with me, back when he was cheating on me, he never really cared to really talk to me and even called me melodramatic for what i was feeling. so this girl was always still around, me being horribly annoyed at the mere sound of her name and at the very close friendship that they developed, and even a few months ago when i couldn't deal with it anymore, i ended everything and then contacted him again a week later only to find he'd gone back to her.. and they were together again.. but he swore he just did it because he couldn't handle being without me and he broke it off immediately after he heard from me. also he has lied about being with her. he'd say he was with his dad and then i'd find through other places that they'd been together.

all that explanation, just to ask one thing.. it has been over a year that everything happened.. but the image of her still is around and i still get to hear of how much he cares about her.. and he says he does want to make things up to me, but i can't really believe that, and i can't really believe him the few times he says i'm more important than she is (actually, he never uses those words, he just says 'she isn't more important than you' as if to avoid giving her less importance. because when you say it like that, it means we're equally important).. basically, i feel unimportant and like he always pushes me back to second place in his list right after her.. he made me feel like utter trash for all those months last year, and now that he's trying to be serious and fix the relationship, i find that i haven't had the closure i've needed.. that i still misread things always, to see them saying and pointing at the fact he seems to care more about her.. and i guess it's just plain fear of discovering that he could do that again. i want to know if i'm at all right in feeling this emotional knot inside of me not knowing what to do when i hear they've been talking and seeing each other, even though he swears it's nothing romantic.. just this close friendship they have.. it annoys me no end.. and i can't stand it, and i can't stand that i seem unable to heal from what he did because i'm constantly being reminded and i constantly have to hear about her.. and he doens't understand how i need to be hearing that he cares about *ME*, and not her.. and i just want to ask whomever has bothered to read this huge post.. if it's unreasonable to still not be over it? if there is anything i can do to be over it? why can't i forgive him and why do i still ask myself why he had to go and ruin things..? i still can't cope with that.. but i feel it's because i have to see the past all the time.. i have to hear about her several times a week.. and at the same time i can't help to feel guilty if i ever mention to him that i want him to stop seeing her.. because i feel its unfair of me to even consider taking his best friend away.. so i don't know what to do, and i never have known, and it just eats away at me because i do want things to work and i do want to do whatever's in my power to make it work.. and if forgiveness's something i can do then i want to do it, but i don't know how.. and a part of me tells me i shouldn't have to be forgiving everything all the time..

am i being unreasonable? not being able to cope yet after all this time?

and i just don't know.

i hope at least one person bothered reading that. it's something i've needed to ask for so long. any word on it will be appreciated. please?

[Mish]

Hi mamlakat

Here is your problem, right there

"the thing is.. over three years ago i started this long distance relationship.."

Have you even seen the person in question? (As in real life)

I don't understant people who start long distance relationships (Relationships that do not involve close and face to face interaction). I am not quite sure how these people expect their relationships to last (They do sometimes, but i have better chances of winning lotto). I mean, you end up not knowing anything and not really knowing the person, is it really worth it???

If you want my honest opinion, I would say just to move on and find somebody local who can always be there for you and you for him. No you shouldn't have to forgive after all that (My thoughts are you shouldn't have settled for a long distance relationship in a first place). What you have with the person you described is SO not going to work on SO MANY different levels.

Hope above helps!!!

[bluesummer]

I'm sorry, I've been in your situation, and all I can say is, get the hell out as fast as you can. He is never going to commit to you fully. His heart is clearly not there, no matter what he tells you. He is being selfish......and he's only getting away with stringing the two of you along because you let him. Be strong and show yourself some more respect......there are plenty of men out there who are willing to commit themselves to you alone.

P.S. I know too, that you probably want to feel like you've 'beaten' this other girl, that you've 'won' his heart completely. But trust me, there's no winner at the end of this. Even if you get him in the end, you'l feel stupid when you look back and realize that what you fought for really wasn't worth it - you'd have been doing your heart and your dignity a favour to just walk away from this mess. Like I said - been there. Good luck.

[mamlakat]

thank you for your replies. i know what most people think about long distance relationships, but i guess what i think really matters is what both people want and if they're willing to commit to it. and i've clearly expressed my wants and needs and he says he has the same. i know how naive that sounds.. but i guess i'll just hold on a few weeks more, since i'm about to go see him in five days. and we'll see how it goes.. and, actually, the reason i posted this was just to ask if common sense was on my side.. really just if.. it's reasonable or not to have all this confusion and insanity and needing closure and not being able to move past those horrible days and what he did, because of her presence. i've thought about the rest and i guess my decision is that i want to at least give it a shot (no, i've never seen him face to face but i will fairly soon), even if it's just to not say my time's been completely wasted with this. and whoknows, maybe all that pain wasn't in vain, and there'll be a reward.

thanks for your replies anyway!
i'll keep them in mind in following crises, should they come up.

[jendenovum]

I'm sorry, but I wouldnt trust him. It sounds so shady. I hope that he is being honest and they are just friends, but why talk about her so much? I dated a guy who was a friend first. We were together two years and broke up, but he always hung around to be a supportive friend. In the long run he was just waiting around for a good opportunity to sneak back into a relationship. (and basically admitted as much one night when he was totally drunk) Definitely dont trust her!!! Let us all know what happens when you see him!

[mamlakat]

thank you! i trust he is being honest.. but for some reason it still gets to me to hear about her and know he cares about her after how much it all hurt me. but yeah, i intend to talk deep and long about it when i'm there with him. and sure i'll let you know