I upset someone, I want to make amends

[fthog]

Hi everyone. Last week I really upset someone a lot, with a bit of a cruel joke. We had been seeing each other for about 4 weeks, and I have to admit I quite enjoyed that time.
The prank wasn't meant to cause any lasting bad feelings, but I clearly misjudged it.. lol

The thing is, I'm not entirely sure I "want her back". I have had a lot of doubts about her suitability, or how well matched we are. However, I DO want to see if I can settle the bad feelings that have been created.
She hasn't spoken to me since, and might actually never do again. At her heat-of-the-moment request, I have ceased all contact.

Basically I caused there to exist a lot of sadness and anger in her, so I want to give her some opposite feelings now. I was considering having flowers sent, anonymously of course, to her each day at work this week. She probably wouldn't really think they're from me at first, since we weren't really that close and perhaps she isn't thinking about what I did much by now. But hopefully getting flowers at work would make her feel pretty special, right? I know you don't know her, but, if you got such a delivery wouldn't it just make your day?

BUT, that would be quite a romantic gesture, I suppose, and she might get too strong a message from it? Like I said, I want to just stop her feeling upset and annoyed by it all, or at least offer some happiness to cover it up. Ideally I could do that, then in a few weeks we could meet to round things off one way or another.
My feelings on the matter of me+her are far too varying and changeable for me to do anything more specific at this stage.

More info: She really liked me, a lot. I reckon she'd be open to forgiving me if I could credibly say that I regret it. Right now I can't say that, unfortunately.
Her friends did not like me, and apparently right from the start they had warned her off me (quite why, I have NO ****ing idea, they didn't know me at all :/ ). One of her friends spoke to me since, and she seems cool about it generally. But basically it's not just that I've pushed her away, but that I've pushed her away INTO the pulling arms of her friends.


Any input would be welcome

Thanks

[lover12]

Walk up to her, and give her a nice long hug. It works.

[fthog]

Walk up to her, and give her a nice long hug. It works.

Separating us there are several locked doors and two angry housemates...

Besides I have no idea how she'd react to that. Good idea though, I will think about it. It would mean a lot, because she knows I hate physical contact in public

[misombra]

i don't know about the nice hug thing. but a sincere apology would be appropriate.

what did you do?

[alovehangoverr]

Your best bet isn't to do something over the top to evoke nice feelings in her.. but rather just a good old heartfelt apology.

If you don't feel truly sorry for it, then don't bother.

If you're this unsure of your feelings for her, maybe it's best just to chalk this up to a bad situation and joke gone wrong and leave it at that.

[fthog]

misombra - it was an April Fool's prank, I basically concocted a story about me that upset her dramatically. Then when I told her it was a joke she went from sad but accepting to absolutely furious, lol.

re: me regretting it or not. My feelings on the issue are not simple. I do rather wish I hadn't now, because it ruined what was a fairly good situation. But... I don't know, it's just more complicated. I wouldn't feel very honest if I made an apology

[Gigabitch]

Take it as a clear sign that you're not well-suited to one another.

[fthog]

Take it as a clear sign that you're not well-suited to one another.

Can you elaborate?

[Gigabitch]

You think pranks are funny and she does not, not at all. Look, you basically humiliated her, and you're not even sorry about it. You need a different kind of girl, one that doesn't take things seriously.

[fthog]

You think pranks are funny and she does not, not at all. Look, you basically humiliated her, and you're not even sorry about it. You need a different kind of girl, one that doesn't take things seriously.

hmm. Though I don't know if such a person exists really.

My main problem with it/her/us isn't that she didn't "enjoy" the joke, but that within minutes of slamming the door after me, she had communicated the issue to over 200 people (the wonders of social networking sites), and within an hour in detail to 5 or 6 friends, and by now to pretty much everyone we knew. What could have just been dealt with quietly between us has instead become like a huge oil spill that would be really hard to clean off all the rocks.

It's a big problem to me, that. I've never dealt with a girl who was quite so connected to her friends. Every little up and down, (and in and out) is immediately passed on to a whole bunch of people. By the time I first met some of her friends apparently they already didn't like me! I originally was interested in her, but there's really no such person, she's just one face of this very solid group of friends who are connected intimately.

[Gigabitch]

That's a somewhat disquieting image. You wanted a girl but you got a whole hive. Yuck.

[fthog]

That's a somewhat disquieting image. You wanted a girl but you got a whole hive. Yuck.

aye, it's a shame, because there was a lot of good stuff between us. It felt pretty good. But then what do I know? I've only had one girl before her. And there, she and I were each other's only friend, so I'm really not used to this situation of having other people knowing so much about me.

She, and all her female friends, have long lists of ex boyfriends and so on, and from the conversations I've been present for apparently they are all "bastards" one way or another.
My theory is that they might each manage a relationship that lasts if they kept out of each other's business a bit.
I am told that right from the start her friends told her not to associate with me, that I was "bad news" and so forth. I imagine that they say this about every new man who comes along. He'd be taking one of them away, I suppose, and the friends don't want that to happen. They all claw each other back down into the tank whenever one grabs hold of a piece of bait.

Maybe I'm being bitter about this... but I reckon it's kind of accurate.

[misombra]

big mouth, no sense of humor biaaaaaaaach!

[fthog]

Well, I met up with her last night. It happened it kind of a weird way, but anyway initially she came out with her angry little housemate standing with her, and they just told me off basically. She said she meant it when she said she never wanted to see me again, and that what I did was "slightly sociopathic", and other stuff. Then they left angrily. I said essentially said nothing at that stage. I then contacted her privately and requested that she see me alone, in a safe place (she said she doesn't feel safe being around me now, that's why she brought her friend), so that I could say what I wanted to.

She agreed and we talked for about an hour. She really hates me, lol, and so does, she said, "everyone I've told". Which is quite a lot of people. We were talking nicely and stuff, agreed that there was no going back, and she said she'll never forgive me. Indeed what I did was apparently now one of the three worst things people had ever done to her in her life.

So that's that! A storm in a teacup, if you ask me. A big ****ing teacup that dozens of people drink from.

[glow]

meet her in person and apologize and ask her what you can do.