Post break up letter

[Fatslice]

Hi everyone this is my first post on this forum

Me and my girlfriend broke it of little over 2 months ago. I had more or less broken her heart dealing with my own problems. My negativity drowe her down well. I wanted to get back together with her 5 months ago but she was bitter and angry at me. She had the upper move. She eventully came down to see it i had changed. In her views I hadnt. She broke it of some days later. We've been together for 4 years.

I wrote her a long letter and got a responce after 3 weeks. She wrote she had nothing new to say at the current time. She lost herself in the last period of the relationship. She needs to find herself and to get new impulses. She was naiv thinking she could change me to be møre positive. She is worn out and dont have ang more strenght to use in this relationship. She has been depressed and down and spent many tears and effort to get where she is today. She will not take a step back in that direction again. She is dating and its both nice and wierd. She is angry because she constantly feels that she is not allowed to date. She says she misses me every day, that she cries when there is a sad song or memories of me on the tv she cries. Part of her is so lonely. No one will have a bigger place in her heart than me. She will never meet a person like me, that she is sure of. But she think its best that we go our own way. she is crying now because this hurts. she refers to her mother that nothing is sertain in the future. It we are ment to be together I guess we'll end up together one way or another. She says take care and finishes the letter with: "remember! Who knows what the future brings. I will never close the door for good when it comes to you. Love you more than you ever understood. Please dont let this letter bring you down"

I wrote her back accepting her decission, saïd that she wasnt naiv thinking that she could change me. That she has to do the things she feels she needs to do. That i have done steps in improving my life. that she finds herself and i find myself and we find each other in the end.

I didnt get a replay but she sent me flowers on my birthday!! Orcheds, which is her favourite flower. I wrote her an sms thanking her for the gift and that in looking forward showing her how well I will maintain the flower. i got a hugs and kisses sms back where she included the whole family that was with her. My heart was hurting so much but i felt happy also.

6 days have past and we had no contact. I really want her back but I accept the break up. I really hope that there is a chance for us in the future, but I accept that i have to move on. But I do have some problems with the last words in the letter. Im trying to get rid of the hope or the fact that she is telling me something. She regarded me as the love of her life and had to put up with lots. She dont trust me since she has been let down So many times. On our behalf it has been all about timing. I was at a point things where rough personally, but im pretty much there now. To bad that she is not.

Didnt think I was going to ask this but is there hope for us in the future you think?

Cheers

[Fatslice]

Anyone?

[lastwish]

Sure. You never know what the future holds. But I think you guys do need a break from each other. I mean...its just 6 days and you miss her already? You have to change that habit. Go on your own for awhile and focus on self improvement. Then once you think you're ready, you can contact her again to see how she's doing and maybe be friends.

Remember, although anything is possible in the future and your emotions are strong right now, you might change your mind in the future and don't actually want to get back together.

[Fatslice]

Then once you think you're ready, you can contact her again to see how she's doing and maybe be friends.

I feel that once we end up being friends ...there is no chance of ever getting back together as a couple. Don't think im able to have her as a friend - and I dont think she would be able to either. By giving hope in the letter I feel that she might be keeping her options open just to see how things turn out with her date or whatever. I feel she is entitled to since she has been on that end in a sence for a long time. Who knows right?

[cairenn13]

Taking a break from each other is good, but remember not to get caught up in the trap of waiting for her.

You need to live you own life and not get tied up in something that could eventuate into nothing. It's true, no one knows what the future holds. There may be a chance things could work out between you, but don't let it rule your life now, because if it doesn't work out in a few years time you could end up bitter and resentful that your life has gone nowhere.

I know from experience that focusing all your attention on what might happen with one person blinds you from all the other opportunities that cross your path. You could easily meet 'the one' and not realize it because you're so focused on this other person.

I was like that until recently. Had a friend I loved, was convinced he was my best friend (which was stupid because he hardly spent any time with me) and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. As a result I had no other friends in my life and spent every day alone and miserable. As soon as I put all thought of him out of my head a whole new world opened up for me. Friends just started appearing out of nowhere. I'm still single, but I have since met someone I can truly call a best friend. I'm so happy now.

Give it try.
I wish you the happiness you deserve.

[Fatslice]

I totally agree with you. Thats part of what Im doing. I just have a huge problem with the mixed signals. Why would she keep the door open. Why would she never close the door for good when It comes to me. Why would she use "I think that ..." and "at the current time ..." Just dont understand why she cant be final. She point out she is dating ...and at the same time send me flowers on my birthday (her favourite flower) Is she trying her best effort in moving on? Is this a girl thing. Her head says move on but her heart otherwise? She obviously has feelings for me still and she doesnt want to take a stage back to the state she struggled so har to overcome. There are all these mixed signals that keeps buzzing.

[Fatslice]

Bear with me on this one

Update: Its been a while now since we broke it off. I have given her the time and space I felt she needed before I contacted her again. I did send her some txtmessages which she didnt respond to other than one where I congratulated her on becoming an aunt. I guess it was easier for her to answer. Well ...all my unanswered questions was driving me crazy ...so I did what I didnt think I would dare ...I booked a plane to where she currently lives. Tried to call her telling her I was in the city. She didnt answer. I left a msg on her answeringmachine. I was determined to talk to her. Get somethings of my chest. I then txt her telling her I was in the city and that I wanted to talk to her - to see her. She replied that she was busy and didnt had the time to respond to my call - and that she would see if she was able to see me before my plane left back later that day. I tried to call her. She didnt answer.I wrote her "Pick up the phone. Im not gonna bite ...im in the city Of course you have the time to see me. If you cant make it ill come to you" She replied that I will come see you.

We met and it was so strange. I knew that everything positive was bonus. I could see on her face that she was sooo glad to see me. And I was equaly exited. I held her hard and she let me. I kissed her neck. The first thing she said was "you are still the most handsome guy I know!?! She started excusing her appearance. She felt old. I told her that she is the prettiest girl I know and will always know. I then told her that I still have the same feelings for her but was very confident when I talked to her. I said that it all might be to late but I just had to tell her that I was to blame. That things have happened in my life that has changed me for the better. Its true. She started crying although she thought she could controll her self. She was still not sure of things. She didnt reply when I told her I love her. I told her that we can take a weekend trip to talk things through. She paused for a long time and then replied that she doesnt think thats a good idea. I told her what I had on my mind and she could see that I was a changed person. She also said that I just want her because now I cant have her. I said ...do you really think I would spend 5 months trying to get you back just because I cant have you? I guess I got through to her. She also initially thought why I was there. I first replied some nonsence. She then saw that I had to luggage and asked once again what I was doing there? I whispered in her ear that I was there to see her. I could tell that she really appreciated that.

I said I had to go because I had to reach my plane. She insisted on driving me but I said that I dont think thats a good idea. We said good buy to one another when she said "are you sure im not gonna drive you?" She left. I started walking and then turned back and watched her go. She then turned and started looking for me. I then picked up the phone, called her and said I was "lost", that she could drive me to the airport. I then walked towards her and held my arms around her while we walked to the car. She let me, we felt like a couple. And she was comfortable with it. In the car she talked about her work situation. That she is struggling because of her arm, that she lives with her mother and was very miserable. We stopped at the airport and talked. She said previously that she have her guard up, that she has put a lid on her feelings towards me. I said try and open up a little and feel. It might not be so bad after all She had tears in her eyes. I said that I have to move on at one point. She also said that "I guess you will not stick around forever" I said that "no - I will not" I said good buy and took the plane back home. Its been two days.

Terribly sorry for the long mail and ramblings. What do you guys make of this? She saw me being confident. Wouldnt it been a perfect time for her to say that she had moved on. And to confirm that she is dating. Or that there will never be us two? That there is someone else for that matter? I broke the NC and I feel great about it She didnt feel the pressure at all. She wasnt uncomfortable. We had eyecontact all the time. She is soo afraid of being hurt again and I can understand her

[Volk]

She does still have her guard up, I think. I think the weekend trip would be the best, spending that much time together all awkwardness goes.
You obviously love her, I say go for it. I admire your passion.

[Fatslice]

Thanks for your reply Volk. Like I wrote, she didnt think taking a weekend trip was such a good idea.

What I do have some problems with is that she could have mentioned on numerous occations that she was dating someone or that she was going steady or whatever. Maybe she isnt, maybe she is. Either she could have put an end to my attempts by saying move on without me or she is still unsure what she wants. Its seems as if she doesnt want to lose me but have her guard up afraid of being hurt. Its hard to tell. That is why I have to convince her that that will never happen

[Yggdrasil]

Ever considered simply asking her what she wants?

[Fatslice]

Its a good question in many ways although I have asked her that question. She is not sure if the bitterness and the hurt she been through can be removed. The problem is that I really havent done anything to hurt her. I have been hurting myself and dragged her down with me. She didnt get the life she pictured with me and at the same time struggling with managing on her own. My problem is that she still thinks I only want her because I cant have her. You know when you havent seen the one you love for so long - and she initially avoids you because she is afraid of her reactions - when you see the spark in her eyes when she sees you ...one feels there must be something there to build on. I guess shes not in a state in her personal life to deal with this relationship. But she didnt mention that at all. Maybe she is afraid of hurting me by saying that we dont have any future - or maybe she needs some time alone. There are no rights and wrongs and all relationships are different. That is why I feel I want to do everything to make her feel special again. So I can say to myself that I did what I could on my part. When I met her her self esteem was really low. Dont know why that is when I really am trying to get through to her what a fantastic person she is. I thought the trip would get me some answers - that didnt work all acording to plan

[IndiReloaded]

You don't have to post an answer now (in fact, you shouldn't--take some time to think), but it seems to me like your relationship is based on a lot of needy drama.

Once you remove the drama (the love, the angst of separation, past feelings hurt, etc, etc)--what is it exactly you two have going for each other in a relationship?

[Fatslice]

I would never thing a person could love me as much as she did. I went into a depression based on some unfortunate external events. I didnt mangage to break out of that sircle, didnt see it. My frustration turned into anger and took it out on her. She spent so much energy trying to fix me, trying to make me think postive. She was naive thinking so and ended up depressed herself as I pushed her away. She lost herself and went to some lenghts in pleasing me only to feel that she didnt get through.

We have always loved each other and relied on each other. She is a giving caring person and so am I. We have the physical attraction. We have always been a great couple. I ended up being something that I wasnt and turned her into something she wasnt. Suddenly I bursed out of that sircle but had a backlaps because she eventually wasnt there. She felt she was let down to many times and really dont want to experience that one more time. I had a huge wakeup call. I take counselings and will not end up in that situation ever again. My only problem is that I wish she could have reached out to others for help instead of dealing with my issues alone. She knows that Im a changed person. I cant really explain it all and I guess it sounds like a cliché.

I hate the fact that she wrote that "she could never close the door for good when it comes to me" a while back. And that she misses me every day and cries when she hear a sad song. I really wanted her to know that she wasnt to blame at all and that she wasnt naive thinking she could change me. Im more myself now than ever and more the person she feel in love with and wanted to spend the rest of her life with. I know it might be to late. I just wanted her to know that I was sorry about the way I threated her the last time of the relationship and that I can relieve her of some of the quilt she felt but also that we have so much to build on based on our experience. She might never change but I wanted to show her she can feel safe with me again. I believe that since there where outside influences that broke down the relationship, with time we can find back to each other.

[IndiReloaded]

Let me rephrase:

Aside from your great *love* for each other, what else is good about your relationship?

[Fatslice]

aside from the *love* for each other, the good about our relationship is:

- sharing the same interest and passion for design. We both work as designers. Design is a lifestyle and we know what dedication and hard work it takes. We share experiences and help each other with acheiving our best

- we have the same kind of humour. We always made each other smile with quirky humor only we understand

- she is very close to my family and close to my niese and nephu. Im close to her family and her little sister. She is the kind of woman you want to be the mother of your children. So caring and thoughtful

- I love the way her eyes gets small when she smiles and how her teeth and tongue sticks out when she laughes. She thinks I have the most sexy smile and wish that I could smile more than I used to the last couple of days.

- I love to fall asleep guarding her and watch her perfect fragile neck when. She loved when she saw me fall asleep. I had problems sleeping and that was a huge problem for me. She bought me this cute book about insomnia she thought might help me with that problem.

- How she cleaned and pampered me when I was feeling miserable

- We had perfect trust in each other. I gave her the freedom she needed and she knew that I never have it in me to be unfaithful

- Mutual physical attraction. We desired each other just as much after 4 years than we did the first few months.

- Her willingnes to go to great lenghts to please me. My willingness to sacrifise myself, my time and ambitons so that she would achieve

- She was loved by all my friends which now misses her. I came along with her best friends and her best friend had no doubt that it would be the two of us in the end.

- Before and the building up to my depression we didnt have a lot of money. We always shared when one had more money than the other.

- The way she always considered me the safe haven and that I would help her when work was challenging or when she had a rough time. This eventually turned against us since my depression came out of me not acheiven my ambission and goals based on my talent. I got bitter at her for me using so much time on her and at the same time neglected my own job and projects. In retrospect im the one to blame because I should be the one setting the boundaries of what I can and cannot do. At the same time I maybe was afraid of doing my own stuff since im a perfectionist. That is infact part of why I got depressed. To much ambition and wasted talent among other things.

- They way she made me feel as a man. That she was depended on me. The way she made me feel special, like her superman. I might have taken her for grantid just because she was always there for me. I do look back and see those things differently now.

- How she has always had faith in me and truly wants me to be the happiest person on this planet, because I deserved it. To bad I wasnt in a state of mind to give her the same gratitude during the last time of our relationship.

- How we would be the prefect couple if the timing was there. I guess a lot of couples can say that.

Im not saying that we had our flaws. That we argued a lot. That she felt she wanted me more than I wanted her. What happened during the end of our relationship was that I pushed so much aside that she though I didnt love her anymore. She started to deal with the breakup as being the dumped. She tried to get emotionally detached from me and I guess successed ...or at least has come further than where I am at the moment.

I have to say that the things I now really appreachiate about the relationship I couldnt see when I was down. That is what Im trying to change now.

I really have to say that trust was one of the strongest things we had together. When I was so down and depressed and pushed her away I totally changed, got more paranoid and the trust that truly was great about me just changed. I would go to all this passionat attempts if I really truly didnt know the fantastic person I was missing. We werent perfect but what relationship is.

The downside is that she lives in this bubble and fairytale world and showed immaturity when she didnt involve other people. At one point she was truly conserned about me. She should have involved my family or friends at an earlier stage. But I dont hold grudges. I should be responsible for my own actions. She tried in her own way. And I even love her for thinking that she could change me, make me a better person.