How Much I Suck

[Mish]

To pacify Indig, this is the thread where you talk about things you don't like about yourself and perhaps want to change. After admitting your faults and confessing your sins you may want to make some kind of a promise to change for the better. The promise keepers satisfy this by nailing their promises to a crucified effigy of Jesus, although this is the kind of commitment we expect it's not really required here.

So we'll start with Lite who voluntarily volunteered this self loathing information

I think I've documented well my weaknesses and faults on this place.

However, I'm not perfect. I fight with self esteem, self worth, and depression issues daily. When I screw up I blame myself and beat myself up for my mistakes worse than anyone else ever could. Hell, I did it today at work with my boss watching me after I screwed something up. I don't want pity, but a bit of input and perspective advice is something I always find helpful.

Then I struggle with passive-aggressive issues, and the ever ongoing virtual conversations in my head where imaginary versions of people say about the worst things they ever could say to me, and then the conversation starts over and say worse things.

I also used to play too many video games in order to avoid dealing with people. This included said ex-girlfriend here, and my ex-wife, and a few other ex-girlfriends.

Trust me, I can go on and on all day long about how much I suck. I know my faults, they're cataloged well in my brain, and if I truly stop to think about it all at once it overwhelms me.

I'm also terrible at staying angry at people when I should be angry. However I'll never forget any way in which they've ever slighted me, even if I've forgiven them.

Is that enough self debasement yet? Or should there be more personal flagellation?

Many of my exes I can talk to on a friendly basis, and have no real issue with it. A couple, this girl, and my ex wife specifically, I cannot. Even with my own personal failings taken into account, I have no desire to ever interact with them again.

[Mish]

I'll go close second.

I have a lot of problems some of which I am aware of and some which only gradually reveal themselves on to me with time.

My main problem as I see it is I am too much controlled by my moods. I have all the tools and all the skills necessary to achieve most of my goals, hopes and dreams, but because my moods constantly derail me I am unable to do that. I need to focus, but focus requires motivation and motivation requires the right mood. I see my sometimes controlling, possessive and spiteful behavior as symptoms of this wider problem. I need to find a better way to handle and express my moods.


Your turn

[Lipp]

Mmm, let's see.

I have a tendency of being lazy/procrastinating for any project that I'm not passionate about until it becomes a time issue and I have to get it done to meet the deadline and often complete tasks just before they're due (uni assignments as well as say apartment chores and job tasks). So far it hasn't been too bad but eventually I will face a case when it can't be done in time.

While I dont mind it I can be emotionally cold in some ways. While I like my girlfriend massively and think that I love her I don't have any great sensation or overflow of emotions, and on the other side of the scale I even went to a gore website that Illusional posted a few weeks back, watched a few messed up clips and only once was I feeling a bit nauseated by it, other than that it didnt bother me much.

And sometimes I feel dumb since while my english is damn good for being a second language I still feel as if Im running at 80% when interpreting writing from professional sources.

But apart from that pretty much all of my problems are external, and not internal. Overall Im happy with who I am.

[Aeradalia]

Not enough room to go into all the details... so I'll summarize:

- overly accommodative, compliant... willing to seek approval of others

- emotions are very fleeting... moments of happiness do not last very long.. but neither does anger or any other emotion. Though I am happy to report that neither does sadness anymore now that I've corrected the problem I was having.

- aside from wanting approval from others --- I find that I have a difficult time to truly empathize with other people. Very often I am far too cold... slow to react... and even unforgiving of the faults of others

- tend to procrastinate if something does not relate to me directly. If I am helping someone else... I'll put them on the back burner... often forgetting about them (but not really meaning to). Though I have learned to break down these 'errands' into parts with my cell phone to remind me of what I need to do and when.

- my attention span is ridiculously long. I fixate on things that hold my interests and it is very difficult for me to let up, forget about them... or in worse cases... even change the subject when I'm talking to someone.

- I cuss a lot. Even when I am trying to be polite every now and then one of those words will get through.. and I won't realize it until it's too late.

- I remind myself of past failures much too often... and it can eat away at my self-confidence. The part of me that fixates is slow to relinquish the idea of 'what did I do wrong?' So I review the past in my mind over and over again... finding some new tidbit of what I did wrong.

- I worry about the future entirely too much. I'm only 24, but already I worry about how things will be next year... when I'm in my 30's... my 40's.. and so on. Feel like I can never bring about enough stability in the present to ever provide myself with a future that seems hopeful.



Naturally... there is more... but those seem to top the list right now.

[Lite]

Woo! I'm inspirational!

Bask in my glorious glory!

[vashti]

I waste too much time posting on this forum.

[Gigabitch]

Well, like Aera, I cuss a lot, but I don't really have a problem with that.

I suck because I prefer to wallow in dissatisfaction for ages before doing the simple things necessary to make my situation better. Case in point: I stayed with the wrong guy for eleven years. I still have all manner of pretty simple house projects to do that would make my life so much better, but I haven't done them. I know how to tile a bathroom. I have the tile. I have the tools. I could even find the time, but my bathroom still looks ghetto. Why? Because I suck.

I'm also a catastrophist that believes that somehow, by extrapolating every circumstance to it's most dire conclusion, I'll be prepared for the worst. It's utter self-delusion, and it results in lots of unhappiness for me.

Oh, and I'm a demanding, judgmental bitch.

[misombra]

damn you guys suck.

[Aeradalia]

Well, like Aera, I cuss a lot, but I don't really have a problem with that.

I suck because I prefer to wallow in dissatisfaction for ages before doing the simple things necessary to make my situation better. Case in point: I stayed with the wrong guy for eleven years. I still have all manner of pretty simple house projects to do that would make my life so much better, but I haven't done them. I know how to tile a bathroom. I have the tile. I have the tools. I could even find the time, but my bathroom still looks ghetto. Why? Because I suck.

I'm also a catastrophist that believes that somehow, by extrapolating every circumstance to it's most dire conclusion, I'll be prepared for the worst. It's utter self-delusion, and it results in lots of unhappiness for me.

Oh, and I'm a demanding, judgmental bitch.

So you need your bathroom needs to be re-tiled? Any other household projects?

I work real cheap..

[Aeradalia]

damn you guys suck.

Aw spill it... been waiting to hear your level of 'suckage' too...

Just all aflutter with anticipation..

[Gigabitch]

So you need your bathroom needs to be re-tiled? Any other household projects?

I work real cheap..

We're also looking for a good houseboy/ girl. Nothing iffy, just bring us coffee when we're too tired to get out of bed on a Sunday morning.

Downside: this place is so damn ghetto. I bought a fixer-upper and haven't held up my end of the deal.

[misombra]

Aw spill it... been waiting to hear your level of 'suckage' too...

Just all aflutter with anticipation..

i guess my main problem is that i don't suck.

[Gigabitch]

i guess my main problem is that i don't suck.

And yet, he stays. You must be doing something right.

[Aeradalia]

We're also looking for a good houseboy/ girl. Nothing iffy, just bring us coffee when we're too tired to get out of bed on a Sunday morning.

Downside: this place is so damn ghetto. I bought a fixer-upper and haven't held up my end of the deal.

I was a professional maid for the better part of 10 years (off and on)... (and to all you guys... NOT a french maid...) so I am not only capable of bringing coffee just the way you want it every time.. but also when you need it before you ask... take care of all the household duties... and do basic household maintenance... like unclogging the p-trap under the kitchen sink.

Needless to say... when I finally quit for good... the lady of the house cried.

[Gigabitch]

I was a professional maid for the better part of 10 years (off and on)... (and to all you guys... NOT a french maid...) so I am not only capable of bringing coffee just the way you want it every time.. but also when you need it before you ask... take care of all the household duties... and do basic household maintenance... like unclogging the p-trap under the kitchen sink.

Needless to say... when I finally quit for good... the lady of the house cried.

Small world. I was a cabin steward on a cruise ship. I can scrub a mean toilet.