Wow, old love notes...I need help with this...

[baylorAsmith]

I need some BIG help here,

My girlfriend and I have known each other for about 2 years now, and have been together for 9 or 10 months. Everything was great, really honest, mature. Also, we both just graduated college.

About three months ago, she springs this HUGE thing on me.

When we first met, she was having big emotional problems with her now-ex. I tried my best to help her out and everything, but they lived 4 hours apart, and had been on and off for like 2 years. So when we started getting very involved, I trusted that was all over and done, and she was personally past it.

So here is sort of part I: One night, she wants to talk. Tells me that her ex is actually a girl, and didn't tell me from the beginning b/c she thought I would judge her by it. This was a non-issue for me, but then she goes on to say that they talk on a semi-regular basis. WOW, really? Just my luck. Even worse, they had spent a time or two together when she went home to see family.

At this point, I'm beyond mad. So this starts the last three months of arguing and insecurity.

She argues that: "I'm the type of person who doesn't break a promise to be there for someone no matter how much they don't appreciate it. She is not a threat to this relationship, and I have no emotional feelings beyond being a good friend"

I argue that: "She jerked you around emotionally throughout your entire relationship, was more than likely unfaithful, and has admitted to still having feelings for you. So how am I supposed to be any amount of OK with this?"

So since then I have basically limboed between understanding her caring nature, and (because of how she talks about their conversations, and all the details describing their relationship) deciding that there is NO way she doesn't have some sort of feeling for her ex that affect our relationship.

All the advice I hear is to just trust her, so that wins out. But now I have sort of a 'locational' problem. And I need big help here.

So here is part II: She gets a job in Denver, and I start more school in August in D.C. After a ton of talking, we decided for me to move to Denver until August in order to get a chance to basically determine wether or not we are going to 'make it the distance'. Benefits seemed to outweigh the cost...

She reassures that she and her ex have decided it is not a good idea to talk any more, yet she still answers her ex's calls. Promises, "I'm not going to call her", and "I will change my number when we get there".

So here is the biggest part: Yesterday, while she is at work, I am still getting everything settle in in our apt. Guess what I run in to...An old little love note with some "I'm sorry I don't always act it, but I swear you mean the world to me" talk. WOW, really? What reason could she possibly have to blatantly keep it if there are no feelings there anymore? I'm 100% sure she knows she has it.

(It helped a little that behind it is a note I wrote her on Valentines Day)

So now I'm back to being pretty sure she is sort of lying to me about the whole thing. I feel like the feelings there are trivial, but really annoys me that they are still there. After all this, I am pretty much giving up on the idea that its worth having to go without seeing each other for months at a time. Also, I am thinking about finding my own place here until August.

The question then is: Why else would she keep the note?

Thank you for any perspective here.

[Mish]

The question then is: Why else would she keep the note?

Probably for sentimental reasons.

I would advise to focus on the bigger picture. She promised she is moving on and that she will not talk to her ex anymore. Pushing her more on this will not bring anything fruitful and might make her defensive. Personally I believe it's okay to be in touch with exs from time to time (if it's through email or on the phone). Be honest if you need to, to explain how this makes you feel, but give her more time to move on and trust her. You being an honest and understanding partner will probably help the situation a lot more than being insecure and resentful.

[Gigabitch]

The way I see it, the note isn't important. The broken trust is important. She lied. She hid things. You shouldn't even be thinking about a long-distance relationship with this huge crack opening up between you.

[Yggdrasil]

Appearantly you are hurt and feel betrayed.

I can understand that perfectly fine.

It appears to me that your partner has serious issues and my advice would be to follow your gut feelings and find your own place. I also would break off contact with your partner, at least for a while, like say, 3 maybe 4 weeks, to give your partner time to reflect on life and figure out what she wants.

In my opinion, that's the best thing you can do.

[Rollerderby]

Don't just take it lying down, but if you want any hope for reconciliation, don't act like a little bitch. Lots of people keep stuff their exes gave them for sentimental reasons... I do, and lots of them I am no longer in contact with.

Would it bother you more or less if the ex was a boy? The fact that she told you that she had deceived you means she was trying to fix what she felt guilty about. She knows she was wrong, which is why she fessed up, except now instead of making you feel more secure that she was honest, you are focusing on the fact that she lied in the first place... it's a tough call. Weigh it out yourself. You're the only one who can.

[Il Cattivo]

Ok, I know it seems a lot simpler to someone not in the relationship, but at this point, you need to let go. I agree, the trust has been broken, there is no need to trust her.
Her argument of "trust me" should not be winning out.
The old saying that if it's really yours, and you let it go, it will come back to you applies here.
You are mad, and justifiably so. Not only that, but you are risking your own time and energy to make this work in HER pick of location.
At this point, you may just be looking for a way out, as perhaps you should be.
In that case, make your own. Tell her that her behavior is unacceptable to you, and that a trust has been violated that can never be replaced. Put your foot down.
First of all, if she wants to be with you, she will concede, and you can stay together if you so choose.
If you desire to end it, don't accept that, just use the distance to your advantage and end it.

[alovehangoverr]

If I were you, I'd let the letter go-- yes, it's adding insult to injury at this point, however.. it's not uncommon for people to hold on to things from past relationships in a sentimental way. Perhaps it meant something to her at the time and she likes to keep it around for the memory.

As for the other issue.. regardless of her "caring nature," or "keeping promises to be there," she seems to be overlooking the problem. The problem isn't her being there for an ex-- the problem is her blatantly keeping it from you.

She spoke to this ex.

She saw this ex.

She kept it from you.

If she truly believed she was just "being a good person," she would have no reason to keep it from you. People keep things they know they're doing wrong from others.. she knew she was in the wrong with this.

Honestly, I doubt your distance will work out.. especially if she's still taking her calls now. Do you really expect her to stop? Do you really think she'll change her number? Why would she if she hasn't already? If she was serious about cutting contact with this person.. she already would have. She wouldn't be setting a deadline of her moving to end the "friendship."