My Situation......**Please HELP** ADVICE NEEDED!!

**ConfusedWife** · 07-06-09, 12:18 AM

I am in need of some serious advice, if anyone has any to offer it would be greatly appreciated!!!

I will try to make this as short as possible...
I am going to be honest with my post and even though some of the things you may not all agree on, i would appreciate any negative feedback to be in a respectable manner...

here we go...

I met "Steve" almost 12 years ago..we met online in a chat room,..we chatted that day and realized that we not only knew a lot of the same people but that we lived literally 5 mins from each other... that very same night he drove over to my place and we sat by my house at a park...we talked and then he left...

from that day on we were together ALL the time...I was at his house a lot...we went to the movies...did a lot of things!
I should mention......Steve has 2 children from a previous relationship and I have 1 son also..so we did a lot of things together with our kids...almost every weekend!..our kids got along great...his oldest is only 2 weeks younger then my son...

We had a very open relationship into our 4th year...we somehow got into the 'swinging' lifestyle and met another couple who we became very close with...we will call them "Michelle and Chris" ...anyways, even though we we in this sort of lifestyle we ALWAYS talked about our boundaries and how far is to far...we were ALWAYS very clear on that...

our relationship this far seemed to be ok....
Steve has a lot of friends and loved to go out...and i didn't mind d because i loved to stay home and relax. sometimes i would go out with him but usually i would stay home and let him have time with his friends....

Into our 6th year i got pregnant with our son ...everything was perfect,...we were so happy...obviously our lifestyle had to change and it did... after the birth of my son we were like any other couple and completely stressed.....2 months later i found out i was pregnant AGAIN!...Steve couldn't handle the stress to good and i found myself alone all the time..with him never home and out drinking A LOT....Steve is an alcoholic but wont admit it yet...hes a happy drunk but still a drunk and i hated that.

after the birth of our second son i started to notice our relationship slowly fade...we were not like how we used to be...
Steve had no time for me ...his work schedule was just crazy hours and when he was not working he was out with his friends...I talked to him many times and it never seemed to matter to him....

5 years ago...I got the surprise of my life...sitting in the Mandarin having dinner....I open the fortune cookie and it reads "WILL YOU MARRY ME"...I almost died!!!
I now knew why he was working so much...to buy me an engagement ring!!...I felt so bad but it didn't excuse his late nights out coming home drunk every other night...

anyways...on September 3/06 we got married...it was one of the happiest days of my life...and i will never forget it...

2 years ago...I got pregnant again....FINALLY with a GIRL!!!
we were so overly happy and knew it was our last baby, our marriage was great and he was staying home and not drinking at all....things were amazing ....

at the beginning of 2008 he started going out again, only this time he was hanging out with a really bad crowd...he ended up in jail for 4 months...he went to jail 11 days after his daughter was born...and got out when she was 4 months...

from the time he got out he was a different person...or so he seemed...2 months later...he went back to drinking and NEVER being home..he would leave on a Friday night and come home on Sunday...not answer his cell...he was very disrespectful all the time...he just didn't care anymore and i could feel it...

this went on and on for months and months....at the beginning of 2009 i knew in my heart that i was not happy anymore...i felt alone and sad all the time..i knew he was out doing things he shouldn't have been doing...

In Feb 2009 we connected to one of our friends who we hadn't seen in over 5 years...it was so great to see "Jay"...I always liked him he was a great person ...so Jay started hanging out at our place a lot and we would all have fun together...
Jay and I became very good friends...better then he got along with my husband...
we would have "party" nights and drink..i would get up with my kids in the morning and Jay would help...my husband would sleep and not wanna help....
Jay and I realized after 3 months that we have feelings for each other......I knew it was wrong, but i couldn't help it. it just happened!...Jay knew ALOT of things about my husband that he eventually told me, things from over 5 years ago as well as recent things..

I found out not to long ago that my husband has been cheating on my our WHOLE relationship...the whole 12 years!!!
he cheated on me while i was pregnant both times....with MICHELLE...the girl from the couple we met...Michelle was my Maid ot Honor at my wedding ...my best friend....it happened before and after my wedding....
Steve has cheated on me over 30 times...hes had sex with his friends girlfriends...and just anyone he could i guess....

I just found this out about 2 months ago...not just from Jay...from A LOT of people...even my own friends knew..my family knew about Michelle...and no one told me...Steve is good friends with my brother and told him everything....
Steve cheated on me on our wedding day, with a guest who was there that he had already slept with months before...

so now...what was the happiest day of my life turned out to be a complete joke...and is not the worst....

while finding all of this out...I have fallen in love with Jay...The feelings i have for him i have not felt in a very long time...he is so good to me..he cares and loves me so much...

I love my husband too, but i am having a really hard time forgiving him...he has admitted EVERYTHING to me...and even though we are still living together right now i am finding it very hard to even look at him...
Steve has started AA and wants nothing more but to work it out with me...

I am so confused....

Our house has been sold and we need to move by August 1st...
I don't know, do I move on my own with my kids and end my marriage? or do i try and save it after 12 years? I don't know...can Steve REALLY change??? or am i a fool to think that could happen?

Jay is a GREAT guy he makes me feel like no one else ever has...I love him so much and i don't wanna hurt either of them...someone is going to get hurt and i hate myself for that.

Do i give hubby a second chance? or move on with Jay?

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME??????!!!!!!!!!???????

**ConfusedWife** · 07-06-09, 01:03 AM

Our kids are all under the age of 5...
boy 5
boy 4
girl 1
the kids from our previous relationships are teenagers!

**ConfusedWife** · 07-06-09, 01:34 AM

suck it up??? LOL
my choice in men is not the problem here..is it?

**ConfusedWife** · 07-06-09, 02:02 AM

im just looking for advice

**ConfusedWife** · 07-06-09, 02:12 AM

Yes i do...but I am having a real problem forgiving...
My love for Jay is different...so hard to explain!

**ConfusedWife** · 07-06-09, 02:19 AM

Haha...what a joker!!

**ConfusedWife** · 07-06-09, 02:21 AM

also...I am not WITH Steve anymore...we are separated!
so anything i do with Jay would not be cheating

**Lozenger** · 07-06-09, 02:30 AM

Originally Posted by ConfusedWife

I found out not to long ago that my husband has been cheating on my our WHOLE relationship...the whole 12 years!!!

?

This says it all - you must not continue a relationship with Steve! It is neither healthy for you or your children.

It would be different if he had cheated once in the space of say, 3 months - but 12 years?!?! If he has been doing it that long, it is actually impossible for him to change. He blatantly never had respect for you and you can do so much better than him!

Move out - but give it time before you move in with Jay. Makesure that Jay isn't just your "rebound guy."

**jay-jay93** · 07-06-09, 03:32 AM

Hey, i was reading through above and noticed alot of help being given i was wondering wether anyone could me...

...Me and my girlfriend have been seeing eachother for about 3 too 4 weeks and had been getting along really well and nothing seemed to have been wrong it was the happeist i had ever been. But a few days after she told me she was in love with me we had a small argument and the day later she told me she was under alot of stress because of exams and different reasons and said she wanted a break "just for now" so i messaged her and called her alot telling her how much i loved her and didnt want to split up but she had made her choice and stuck by it and she wouldnt even give me the chance to see her to talk to her properly. She also said after a week apart it may be hard loving each other and she will need to space for her exams. I really want to talk to her and message and call her all the time but dont know whether to because she wants the space. If i had any chance of getting back with her what would be the best thing to do, and also why has she suddenly changed her mind about seeing me within a few days because she constantly told me she loved me butt not she wants a break, why?

**Lozenger** · 07-06-09, 04:56 AM

Originally Posted by jay-jay93

Hey, i was reading through above and noticed alot of help being given i was wondering wether anyone could me...

...Me and my girlfriend have been seeing eachother for about 3 too 4 weeks and had been getting along really well and nothing seemed to have been wrong it was the happeist i had ever been. But a few days after she told me she was in love with me we had a small argument and the day later she told me she was under alot of stress because of exams and different reasons and said she wanted a break "just for now" so i messaged her and called her alot telling her how much i loved her and didnt want to split up but she had made her choice and stuck by it and she wouldnt even give me the chance to see her to talk to her properly. She also said after a week apart it may be hard loving each other and she will need to space for her exams. I really want to talk to her and message and call her all the time but dont know whether to because she wants the space. If i had any chance of getting back with her what would be the best thing to do, and also why has she suddenly changed her mind about seeing me within a few days because she constantly told me she loved me butt not she wants a break, why?

This should really go in another thread, but, if she wants space - respect that and give her space.
Say something to her like "Hey, you asked for some space and i respect that, so i am going to give you space. I want you to know that i will still be here, if ever you wanted to come back to me and that i wish you the best of luck for your exams"

Then, just keep the contact minimal - or nothing at all.

X

**Ashbee** · 07-06-09, 05:22 AM

confused wife -

wow, i am so sorry. But,this man does NOT love you...he cant! Please dont waste anymore time with this waste of space. If you love Jay, be with him!

**damn2008** · 07-06-09, 12:32 PM

What do you expect with someone who goes out all the time? With a "party animal" lifestyle that late into life you're going to run into problems with that person. You probably should've seen this behavior during your "swinging" time. I'm not aware of what the "success rate" is of swinging relationships but if he was showing this party lifestyle and continuing on despite all the changes in life, it is clear he wasn't truely ready to settle down at all...especially if he was cheating.

Good luck

**Volk** · 07-06-09, 11:53 PM

If Steve is making an effort you can clearly see it wouldn't be good to ruin all of what you had together just from the 'spark' with Jay.
Then again he'd really have to have changed.

**vashti** · 08-06-09, 01:08 AM

I don't really understand what "cheating" is in an open relationship. When you give your spouse permission to screw other women, is it really any big surprise when he takes you up on it?

**IndiReloaded** · 08-06-09, 03:30 AM

Call Jay right away, like Gott said.

Explain the situation. Tell him that your husband has been cheating on you all this time. Tell him your feelings but that you are not prepared to sink to the same level. Tell him you are working through a divorce and that, when things are stable, you hope you can explore a relationship further.

If he gets it, great, you may have a winner. If he doesn't, then move on from both losers. No man (or woman) is worth sacrificing your morals & self-respect.

BTW, have you been tested for STDs? You'd better check.

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