Totally lost

[Paulo]

My world has tumbled down since our break up, I try desperately hard to put the pieces back together, but just feel so unhappy. Most of my friends are married with kids, and I just don't know what to do with myself. I go to the gym, but not a lot else.

I have tried the no contact rule, but she just keeps popping up every where, and keeps sending e-mails asking me how I am, which I ignore, but it still upsets me. I hardly recognise her now, she seems like a stranger, can't believe we spent 8 years together.

Well I know its too late for us, she seems very happy with what she has now and I just feel empty. In the words of Michael Buble "Life can show no mercy, it can tear your soul apart" and it certainly has mine.

On a positive note, I feel better than I did 2 weeks ago, but that gives me little comfort.

So, my question to any of you is: What do you do, to inject some happiness into your lives?

[tiffamber12]

paulo i know the feeling, im going through right now.

I mean its cruel i already told him to let me go and stop contacting me if he doesnt want to be with me. but sends once in a while a short message saying ur rushing into ideas.

how have u been doing?

[Koriix]

Ahh the gym. The one place us broken hearts tend to gravitate around because it helps ease our minds as well as our spirit.

The typical advice is to go out! Seek new friends and possible relationships! Unfortunately that's easier said than done right? I know I can relate. What I find that works for me is I don't completely push out the pain, agony or whatever you may be feeling, but I reflect on it. Why am I feeling crappy? Well this is why? What can I do to fix this? Well I'm going to embrace life and realize that I may not be happy with my situation right now, but as they say, things do get better.

Take some personal time for yourself and decide what makes YOU happy, not other people. We can always elaborate and go into deeper conversation with more detail that you provide.

[Paulo]

What an idiot I've been today, I broke the no contact rule and e-mailed her. We talked about everything that was wrong about us, but somehow it's all my fault.

She finally admitted that this new guy had been hitting on her since November, but insists nothing happened till after we split, I don't believe her!!

She says she cares about me, and hopes that I find happiness, and that she has found it difficult and that I'm on her mind.

Everything is just so conflicting!! But, the truth is she's gone, she's with someone else and I've got to move on.

I feel totally rejected AGAIN, what a fool. All I have achieved is empowering her and letting her know that I still have feelings for her....AAAARRRGGGHHHH

If anyone is looking for advice, know this: the questions you think you want answers to...you don't...all it achieves is more hurt and rejection...Trust you're instincts, they are probably right...

NO CONTACT all the way!! It's the only way...I wish I took my own advice I've just taken a backwards step!!

[tiffamber12]

paulo, i know but how do you deal not contacting. i know that im gonna get hurt but i just cant seem to avoid it.

[cluelessinluv]

ey paulo,

yeah your right, it really hurts to actually hear the truth, no justification can match the hurt and pain it brings..
hope we could fast forward to the time where all of us truly find the one person we're supposed to be with.

would like to share this simple quote with you:
"if time heals all wounds... is my clock broken?"

-cluelessinluv-

[Tired]

i feel similar...i'm a gym rat as it is, so after the breakup, going to the gym wasn't much new, that was already a constant in my day.

I've tried going to dog parks, started studying for NASM (personal training) certification, done more cardio, bought some new clothes, rebuilt my resume, etc...I've tried to keep busy but i still want the ex back, everything seemed better with her then without.

We've tried the no contact, and we haven't talked for maybe 5 weeks or so aside from running into each other twice (we're neighbors!)...things were good the two run-ins, but i want to visit her everyday, and i force myself not to.

After time has past i'm not as emotional, and my days aren't as difficult but i do feel a large void. I've been keeping busy but admit i haven't been happy since the breakup, the busy-ness just keeps the mind off her and us.

I guess time is the only ally

[originalflowers]

Paulo, as much as you loved her, she didn't make you who you are. She didn't define you. She's chosen to move on and it's her loss. You have a lot to offer the world and you should be proud of that. Use this time to concentrate on yourself. You have no control over other people, only over yourself. You deserve better than to feel like life has stopped. Be with friends, people that you laugh with. Remember there is a whole world out there for you to enjoy!

[Paulo]

tiffamber12, I'm afraid I don't know the answer to that...I think we need to realise that there is no comfort in speaking to them and that all it achieves is more hurt, when what we want is for them to take it away. We feel that if we tell them enough times how much we love them and miss them, they'll realise the big mistake they made. But this is not the case, all contacting them does is reinforces their beliefs and adds to our rejection opening wounds that we really need to let heal, it just makes us feel more miserable. Do we really want to keep punishing ourselves? There comes a time when you have to say to yourself NO, I'm better than this and accept that its not going to work out, and face the fact that we are on our own (I think this is the hardest part). I haven't quite got there yet, but I'm working on it.

I also believe that it's easy to confuse love with grief. It is normal to grieve the loss of a relationship, whats more, grief is cumulative, if you haven't grieved passed relationships properly, it could be a whole lot of passed grief all surfacing at once...This does not necessarily mean that you are in love and is very easy to confuse. Do we really love these people who keep rejecting us and make us feel miserable? I don't know, but I do know that every time I speak to her, I don't feel better, I feel worse.

I think its important to become your own best friend. What advice would you give a friend if they asked you this question?

Its time to stop revelling in the misery and be the person we deserve to be, they do not define us, we can and will get through this and be stronger for it.

[Mish]

So, my question to any of you is: What do you do, to inject some happiness into your lives?

It's actually not as complicated as we make it out to be. Think depressing thought, see depression where ever you go and you will most likely be depressed. Focus your mind on inspiring and elevating things around you and you will most likely feel happy.

It's hard to break out of the cycle. I read an article which suggested a switch inside of the brain where when you are sad it's hard to think happy. But the good news is likewise, when you are happy it's hard to be sad. So, concentrate on elevating your mind, find role models, seek inspiring content from the world around you, the amazing things that people do despite all the odds and you will most likely fit into those patterns as well.

[Yggdrasil]

Paulo,

Call her, tell her you don't want to have any contact with her anymore.

Let her know that you'll go as far as requesting a restraining order against her if she doesn't stop contacting you.

Then block her number, msn, etc.

Show her you mean business.

After that, give yourself some time go grieve and to accept that it's over. Surround yourself with supportive friends, who know how to cheer you up, do things you like, work out (working out really helps).

Try to look at things from the bright side, when you catch yourself thinking negative, try to turn the thought into something possitive.

Eventualy things will get better. You were happy before, you will be happy again.

You never needed her in your life to be happy. Happiness comes from within you.

[tiffamber12]

paulo thanks for the words, especially from someone on my situation. im feeling soo much better, im accepting it. going to the gym, meeting great people i feel like im out of my shell before i was so shy and now i have people telling me how great i look, etc.

youre right, on the confusion part. im sure our exes will regret this, and at least were already passing the hard part to not go through it in the future.

[Paulo]

Well after a week of feeling fairly upbeat...the best since we split...I'm feeling on a bit of a low this evening.

Its been a beautiful day, the sun is shining and I'm stuck in at home on my own...sad isn't it

I miss her a lot today, we would be having a bbq right now and sharing a bottle of red talking about stuff and then take the dog for a walk...I miss my dog too

Just thought I'd write it on here rather than tell her.

Man, this sucks!! You just start to feel you're moving in the right direction, and then you get a pang...its like withdrawal symptons and I'm going cold turkey.

I hope its better tomorrow

[tiffamber12]

i know paulo i had my down to, i blew it since he contacted me telling me he loved me, i caught him going out with someone, and that hurt me so i exploded against him.

now its sure over since i said crazy things, so hang in there no contact its better, i wish i could go back to the no contact since right now it feels ten times worse than before. i have guilt, anger, sadness everything. so hang in there paulo some days its ok others it hurts more, but im sure we can survive this pain.

[Paulo]

I feel so depressed after this breakup, no matter how much I try to pick myself up, I just keep crashing back down again.

I genuinely hate being me, my life feels so empty and I look and feel so miserable and I just can't seem to pick myself up out of it.

Meanwhile, she's having the time of her life...currently on holiday, taking her new boyfriend to weddings that originally had my name on it.

It's only been 3 months, how could she have moved on so quickly...I just don't understand it. Did I really mean that little to her? We were together for 8 years, did it really mean nothing? It really hurts that she can be so happy now that she's no longer with me. Am I really so bad that her life is so much better now that I am no longer in it? It just makes me feel so low about myself...I know if I truely loved her I would be happy for her...blah blah blah...But the truth is, I want to see her unhappy, not for ever, but just for a little while, to show me that she cared, to show me that our relationship wasn't a farce.

But, she isn't, she's happier than ever and I feel like my life is utter crap.

And I miss her so much, and I hate her. So much conflict going on in my mind, and I am endangered of becoming a miserable, bitter and twisted person. All I wanted was a family and to get married, and now I'm on my own and I don't know what to do.

How do I rise above this? How do I put some fun in my life? How do I let go? Because right now, I am so unhappy and I'm worried that I'm never going to be happy again