He doesnt want to let go of our friendship. Why??

[ellie]

OK, this is strange.

I dont know if any of you have followed my posts, but anyway, I've been seeing this friend (he's a guy, I'm a girl, we're both heterosexual) for some time. We used to be coworkers but we never talked much back then. (Oh and we're both 20+)

After some time we found out we live pretty close to each other, so we started hanging out. I only meant to be friends with him, and I don't think he had any intentions of becoming anything more than friends either.

HOWEVER, after seeing him a couple of times I started to feel that there was more than friendship between us.

We never kissed or did anything physical but everything he did, told me he had feelings for me. I could tell from the way he looked at me ("the look") that he had feelings that wasnt exactly friendship feelings.

A couple of days ago I finally confronted him couldnt take it anymore. I asked him where we stood, and he replied he doesnt want anything other than friendship, BECAUSE HE'S TOO BUSY for a relationship!! I dont know if that's bullshit or not, that's what he said, and I dont know if I should believe it. He admitted that "I'd be lying if I said I havent thought about it" (being more than friends i.e.) but that's all he said about his own feelings for me. Other than that he just made it totally clear that he does NOT want a relationship right now. Period.

It broke my heart, and I told him I never wanted to hear from him again. I deleted his phone number, his email, everything.

I found out just yesterday that he had sent my best friend a long email asking her for advice, telling her he wanted me as a friend and didnt want to loose my friendship. I could tell from that email that he was really sad and it touched me.

Then I got home and saw he'd written an email to me as well, but his tone was this time more angry than sad, saying he didnt understand why I wanted to cut all ties and that he wanted me to reconsider being friends, and that all he ever wanted was to be my friend - nothing more than that - and he hopes we can still be friends even after this.


I just have one question now:


WHY is it so damn important for him to still be my friend????
If he's not interested, why the hell would he care that much about our friendship? We became friends in a very short period of time, and we didnt talk that much before we became friends while working together, so in my opinion, I cant see what's so important in our short lasting friendship he has to hold on to it.


I'm trying to ask him about all this, but it seems as though we're talking "different languages". He doesnt (want to?) answer my questions and asks me questions back mostly about why I can't be just friends with him.


I think this is the first time I met someone I felt a connection with who just wants to be friends. I can't see why he would just want to be friends and why our friendship is so important. He has lots of other friends for sure, so why me?


Sorry for this long post, Im just trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

If anyone has any advice, please..... post them! Thanx

[ecojeanne]

just throwing it out there but maybe he values the friendship and maybe he's a closet gay?

[ellie]

Oh my god. I just started thinking about it. Maybe he is gay. It's not unlikely. I feel as if I've tried ALL tricks in the book, we've had dinner dates, I went to his house one late evening (nothing happened), Ive dressed sexy... nothing works with him.

Are there any signs to look for if someone is gay?

[sunmoonstars]

I have similar shit going on with this guy right now. He even gives me the look, the same look you're talking about. I wonder if your guy is just "too busy" right now and wants to hold onto you so you'll be around if one day he feels ready. Or he might not be sure if he wants you yet. Guys tend to think things through before jumping into them, including relationships, whereas women are more likely to just go with their feelings or "intuition".

I don't believe that someone of the opposite sex would make such a big f*cking deal about getting a short-lived friendship back if he didn't have some sort of attraction to you. This one guy broke my heart but expressed such a huge desire to still be friends. He's obviously attracted to me, don't think he's really in love with me but obviously he has some feelings, but he "doesn't want a girlfriend right now" because he's "too busy" and sometimes I think he's just hanging onto me so I'll be around if he changes his mind. I can't wait around for him though.

But let's see what the guys on this forum have to say.

[sunmoonstars]

Well if he's gay that's a whole other matter. I just can't remember any truly platonic friends who I broke off friendships with begging me to reconsider.

[ellie]

Yeah wtf!! Something is really fishy with this.

It doesnt make any sense WHATSOever! This guy is telling me he's had thoughts of becoming more than friends, his eyes are telling me everything (I know "the look" when I see it!), but his words are saying that he doesn't want a relationship because he is too busy. Oh, and he says he "prefers to be single at the moment"

I dont think you can be too busy to be in a relationship. If you are that interested in someone you rearrange your busy schedule to fit that person in, isn't it??

Conclusion:

Either he must be not that interested. Why do I have this gut feeling then that he has feelings for me? And why does he hold onto our friendship??

Or - he is gay. And if he is gay, why did I pick up on things that tells me he is intersted?


This doesnt make any sense.


I am going insane

[ecojeanne]

Oh my god. I just started thinking about it. Maybe he is gay. It's not unlikely. I feel as if I've tried ALL tricks in the book, we've had dinner dates, I went to his house one late evening (nothing happened), Ive dressed sexy... nothing works with him.

Are there any signs to look for if someone is gay?

look either way he has shown he values the friendship. life is full of rejections and disappointments. if you like his personality then why would end your friendship just because your ego is wounded? go with the flow and just enjoy him as a person. it shows you have character. be a good person that cares about people and not your own ego. it can be difficult, rejection is hard.

[ellie]

And forever be reminded of what could/would have been. Have you ever been in love with someone who didnt want you, and managed to stay friends with them? It's hard

[ecojeanne]

how long have you been friends and hanging out?

[ellie]

Hrm we've known each other for about 1 year but we started hanging out about 6 months ago

[ecojeanne]

i've just looked at all the threads you created and it seems clear to me that he has seen you as a friend from the beginning and you have misread the signals, sorry to be the bearer of bad news

[sunmoonstars]

Yeah wtf!! Something is really fishy with this.

It doesnt make any sense WHATSOever! This guy is telling me he's had thoughts of becoming more than friends, his eyes are telling me everything (I know "the look" when I see it!), but his words are saying that he doesn't want a relationship because he is too busy. Oh, and he says he "prefers to be single at the moment"

I dont think you can be too busy to be in a relationship. If you are that interested in someone you rearrange your busy schedule to fit that person in, isn't it??

Conclusion:

Either he must be not that interested. Why do I have this gut feeling then that he has feelings for me? And why does he hold onto our friendship??

Or - he is gay. And if he is gay, why did I pick up on things that tells me he is intersted?


This doesnt make any sense.


I am going insane

He could not be that interested. He could also be very interested but he just doesn't want a relationship in his life right now. With my guy friend, it really looks like he doesn't want to date anybody right now, not just me. Some guys on this forum who read my post said it was pretty clear to them that my guy friend just doesn't want any girlfriend at all right now. What about your guy? Does he show interest in dating other girls? Does he seem to want a relationship with anybody?

I read somewhere that when a guy chooses to be in a relationship it is just as much about the timing and where he is in his life as it is about the girl, if not more. It would be nice if a guy on here could confirm that, or else refute it.

[sunmoonstars]

And forever be reminded of what could/would have been. Have you ever been in love with someone who didnt want you, and managed to stay friends with them? It's hard

I know, I'm going through that right now with my guy friend. I'm in love with him but he does not want a relationship with me, at least right now he doesn't. I still enjoy his personality and his company but it can be very hard to be around him. I've even considered breaking the friendship off completely, but that would really be a shame because we're really, really great as friends.

[all alone]

maybe he just genuinely values your friendship? my two best platonic friendships with girls started with one person being interested in the other, but nothing ever happened. And one of those also happened in fairly short period of time... that was over 5 years ago. She was at my high school and after one year of becoming friends, she switched to a different school.

She goes to university far enough away now, but we find time to stay in touch and since shes been back in town this summer we usually hang out or go for coffee once a week..

So i guess the pt im trying to make is just because a 20 yr old guy doesn't want in your pants doesn't mean he is gay? haha. But in all do seriousness, maybe he just values the friendship way more then you think. And if he sounded angry, well he was probably upset about the way you cut him out as if he was nobody.

[JohnnyGileaid]

Hey Ellie, I went back and read all of your threads and it seems clear to me that this guy is interested. As a guy I cannot imagine taking a girl out that many times and in those ways without being interested in her. And if he isn't interested, he is being an asshole and he knows it, EVERYONE knows the kind of signals it sends by doing what he is doing. (The latter just does not seem reasonable though.)

I do not think he is gay. He would be acting very strange if he was gay, especially that he wont tell you his intentions and is stringing you along. Why would he be nervous or fidgety around you if he was?

I'm going to go out in a limb here, but I tried to put myself in his place for many of the situations and think through why I might act that way.

First of all, this guy sounds very unsure of himself in this particular romantic situation. It may be because he is just very shy/unconfindent, or because he really likes you and is overthinking everything he says/does with you.

For example: A lot of guys, including myself, will think way too much about what they should say/do with a girl. Not all the time, but you if really like her and want to make sure you don't screw it up, this goes into hyperdrive.

Like, I will think of something to say to a girl and then start running through the conversation in my head before I say it. I will literally make up 10+ different conversations in my mind and try to think like 100 steps into the future. This almost always leads to being completely overwhelmed to the point where you almost don't want to say/do anything and when you do you come off like a pre-programed robot.

My guess is that he is probably just like you -- he is thinking way too much about everything that happened wondering if you like him, and probably to a worse degree.

I don't think that guys can be just friends with a girl as easy as a girl can be just friends with a guy. Maybe that isn't true, but that is definitely a stigma amongst males. Guy friends will always warn other friends about being "friend-zoned". He probably is honestly wondering if that is the case; just like you.

You talked about trying every trick in the book... Can you list the "tricks" exactly? Dressing sexy is great, but I promise you he thought, "well girls dress sexy all the time" and didn't know if it was because of him or what. Also, I think I said this before but a lot of guys just do not understand subtleties -- you may want to try being more obvious.

Now, why is he doing what he is doing now? My guess is that he is really stressed about the whole thing. Thinking you like him, thinking you don't like him that way, and so on back and forth. He probably got to the point where he just couldn't take it anymore and wanted out, but at the same time he really likes you (maybe even loves you) and is completely torn.

My suggestion: try being a bit more aggressive. I'm not saying to grab him, throw him onto his bed and start ripping his clothes off (although you can if you want :-P). Just try to initiate stuff a little more -- like you know how once you started hugging him, he started hugging you back. A lot of times if you give a little push he will come back in full force.

This was recently done to me, and I loved it: next time you hug him, run your hands down arms as you are stepping back from the embrace. Let your fingers go all the way down to his hands and hold them for a second and slowly pull away (letting go of his hands). Show him that you want to be touched.

He may start holding your hand and holding you after that. You do little initial physical contact things and let him go the rest of the way. If you want him to kiss you, lean into him and put your arms around his neck, make sure you are looking down and gently let the top of your head brush his against his face. Pull away a little bit, keeping your hands around him and slowly raise your head to look into his eyes. If he doesn't kiss you then I don't know what to tell you.

I think if you want this to go anywhere you may need to show the initiative. If that isn't your thing, at least try to touch him more. Like gently bump into him a lot when you are walking side-by-side, etc.

Good luck Ellie. I really hope it works out for you and I don't keep giving you false hope. :-P