porn revelation is destroying me

[insecure]

I am really suffering and don’t know who I can talk to about this.

I really hope you can help.

I have been with someone for almost 3 years. In this time I have told him most everything about me, been very vulnerable and honest, and have felt safe and trusting of him.

Last night he told me that all the time I’ve known him, and before me, he has a 1-2 times a week porn habit.

I’m crushed and shaken to the core. Firstly, he has always said whenever porn has come up in the past that he has an adamant moral objection to it, especially the demeaning and objectifying side of it. Secondly, I had absolutely no idea about this side of him. Naïve? Yes, it seems I really am.

I’ve been recovering slowly from an eating disorder and the image of him watching those girls is making me restrict now more than ever to look like the porn stars he watches (as how could he find me attractive given enough exposure to that).

I’ve also got a history of sexual abuse and felt very safe with him sexually, until now. It is like I don’t know anything about his sexuality. I feel sick.

I feel betrayed and cheated on, looking at other naked women feels like cheating to me.

Apparently porn is ‘normal’ for men, visual stimulation, visceral this blah blah blah. I am apparently supposed to understand that this behaviour is ‘normal’ and ‘acceptable’ and has nothing to do with me.

But how can it not. How can it not send me the message that I am not enough? How can it not make me doubt his love for me, and how can I not be entirely insecure now?

How can he tell me loves me and finds me attractive, that what we have and do is ‘different’?

I want to end this otherwise wonderful, trusting relationship because of this.

Please help me, I am so depressed.

[josh930]

He does love you, but men have an instinct or drive that women cannot understand. I can garuntee you 99% of the male population watches some type of porn and the other 1% are lying. It is very normal for men to do that. There is no harm in it although you may think so. I can understand how it makes you insecure but he's not going to leave you over it. Its just a fantasy. Why dont you open up sexually with him and watch it with him. Its not like your condoning it but if hes going to do it, might as well be with you.

He's doing it the right way. He could be going out to strip clubs, cheating on you, or getting a hooker. How would you feel about that? Sit down and talk to him and let you know how you feel and that its effecting your progress on your eating disorder. Dont stop eating because of this, that will do nothing. Infact it will probably make things worse. Talk to him and dont fight with him about it beause its only going to make him a liitle more sneaky about it. Talking with him is the answer and let him know how you feel but this is a very normal thing for men

[CocoChanel]

Men are just horn balls. No matter how pretty you are... it will never be enough. They always look at other women. Masterbate to porn (other women) and some more shit. What Josh is forgetting is that he lied to you about it. He made it seem like he was against Pornography... but it turns out he watches it. That alone is enough to make any woman feel insecure. Other than the eating disorder... I have a history of sexual and physical abuse as well so I know how this probably makes you feel. It's something that you will have to get over though because when it comes to men and this subject... it something us women will never have any control over. Don't harm yourself because of this.

[Junket]

The only thing I see wrong from his end is that he made it seem like he genuinely had a problem with it when he clearly doesn't.

But besides that, I don't see that the big deal is.

[josh930]

I honestly think your screen name tells it all. Dont be!! Its normal, just talk to him about it

[insecure]

Thanks everyone.

He said he didn't tell me about it sooner because he didn't think I could handle it.

Cop out? maybe, I don't know.

So you don't think I am supposed to have a problem with him getting off to other women?
Seriously what is this whole "oh I am a guy, it is normal" stuff about anyway?
How does "I love you" equate with "but I am going to go and effectively cheat on you in my mind" reconcile.

I think we are going to talk about it tonight as neither of us got any sleep over it last night.

[someguy1984]

I am really suffering and don’t know who I can talk to about this.

I really hope you can help.

I have been with someone for almost 3 years. In this time I have told him most everything about me, been very vulnerable and honest, and have felt safe and trusting of him.

Last night he told me that all the time I’ve known him, and before me, he has a 1-2 times a week porn habit.

I’m crushed and shaken to the core. Firstly, he has always said whenever porn has come up in the past that he has an adamant moral objection to it, especially the demeaning and objectifying side of it. Secondly, I had absolutely no idea about this side of him. Naïve? Yes, it seems I really am.

I’ve been recovering slowly from an eating disorder and the image of him watching those girls is making me restrict now more than ever to look like the porn stars he watches (as how could he find me attractive given enough exposure to that).

I’ve also got a history of sexual abuse and felt very safe with him sexually, until now. It is like I don’t know anything about his sexuality. I feel sick.

I feel betrayed and cheated on, looking at other naked women feels like cheating to me.

Apparently porn is ‘normal’ for men, visual stimulation, visceral this blah blah blah. I am apparently supposed to understand that this behaviour is ‘normal’ and ‘acceptable’ and has nothing to do with me.

But how can it not. How can it not send me the message that I am not enough? How can it not make me doubt his love for me, and how can I not be entirely insecure now?

How can he tell me loves me and finds me attractive, that what we have and do is ‘different’?

I want to end this otherwise wonderful, trusting relationship because of this.

Please help me, I am so depressed.

Wow, an interesting read...It seems like you've gotten a lot of women reply's, or maybe just a very different opinion from my experiences?

Anyway...With that being said I'm a 24 male and here is my take...

I take it both of you are younger than me? If not, I'm VERY surprised because this insecurity issue should be gone by the time your around 23ish...Nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. I see your point 120%. I dated a girl for 4 years and she was very against me going to strip clubs, talking to girls, being to nice to girls, etc. She was VERY insecure about everything...Always thought i wanted something better...

As i said, i dated her for 4 years...Within this time, i NEVER watched porn until we had a break...We took a couple breaks for a few weeks within this 4 year relationship. Now, did i masturbate? You bet your a$$ i did...But, porn is a different story...Guys need to masturbate and i don't believe any guy who says he doesn't. Ever heard of blue balls? It's true. If a girl teases us and we get aroused, but nothing happens...Guess what? We end up getting cramps and are sh*t is sore until we masturbate...You have no option, unless you want to suffer.

A lot of guys i know are addicted to it, but are also weird. In my opinion, their is no reason to watch porn in a relationship, unless the guy is getting bored, or just has some issues...The idea of watching porn is to either: (A) Help get it up and unload (B) Your single and have a fantasy of the girls and positions, (C) Your homosexual, but are afraid to admit it, or (D) Your not happy with your sex life and seek options/ideas.

That's pretty much it...I was happy with my sex life, so i never had a need for porn. MASTURBATION is typical for guys, NOT WATCHING PORN. Lets not start a stereotype about guys...I can simply think of an attractive girl and get it up...Why do i need porn?

For me, it's option (B). It's just a free way of seeing girls naked and thinking of sexual intercourse. While your in a relationship, you SHOULDN'T have to watch porn at all...

I used to be a lot different. I used to think it was ok to go out and chill with buddy's at strip clubs while i was in a relationship...But now, I've learned that's disrespectful and unfair to a girl you give your heart to. I don't care what a girl says...Deep down, i know it will bother her if I'm going out looking at naked women...I mean come on....

So, in conclusion I feel it is not normal for your b/f to be watching porn. I've never done it and only a selection of my friends do it. All of them have the same thing in common...THEY ARE BORED WITH THEIR SEX LIFE. This kind of thing happens. Lets hope that is the case with you.

Regardless, technically it's not cheating, but i wouldn't want to date a girl who watched porn on occasion. I would want her getting off to me, not the damn movie...What does all this mean? Simple...Both of you need to talk about it and i think you should get him to stop doing it. Will he stop? Most likely not, lets just be honest...In the end, you just need to figure out how comfortable you are with him doing this...If you don't like it, then you should consider moving on, or having him get some help. If he truly loves you, he will stop. PORN IS AN OPTION, NOT A PRIORITY.

[vashti]

You are trying to ascribe female sensitivities to a male. They aren't like us, and if they were, we wouldn't really want them anyway.

This is not personal. He still loves you and thinks you are attractive. he may or may not have an issue with impulse control with regards to porn, but he cannot be expected to act like a girl because you have a unfortunate history. Don't make HIM the reason you decide to quit exercising self control with regards to your eating issues. He is not responsible for your choices.

[Mish]

Seriously what is this whole "oh I am a guy, it is normal" stuff about anyway?
How does "I love you" equate with "but I am going to go and effectively cheat on you in my mind" reconcile.

I think we are going to talk about it tonight as neither of us got any sleep over it last night.

I think you are making a big deal out of something very small. Porn does not = cheating. There is no real person on the other end and imagining someone else besides you in a person's mind is not really cheating. Don't be insecure and paranoid about it, they are not attractive qualities, save paranoia for real issues if they come up. Give him a slap on the wrist for lying and move on.

[someguy1984]

I think you are making a big deal out of something very small. Porn does not = cheating. There is no real person on the other end and imagining someone else besides you in a person's mind is not really cheating. Don't be insecure and paranoid about it, they are not attractive qualities, save paranoia for real issues if they come up. Give him a slap on the wrist for lying and move on.

Porn does not equal cheating, but does indicate an issue in the relationship...It's an option that doesn't need to be used for any reason, especially often. As i said in my post, he's either (A) (B) (C) or (D).

Watching porn while your in a long term relationship is not normal, but acceptable. Unfortunately, I'm not one of the people who find it acceptable while dating...

[Junket]

I disagree with everything 1984 has said.

Except for the blueballs thing.

[insecure]

Wow, thanks everyone. I really appreciate the reality checks.
I also really appreciate the reassurance about how it isn't "me" here. I am starting to feel a bit better about it. If I am being over the top and over reacting and giving him an unduely hard time, then I want to know that so I can get over it.

Lol Frasbee. I thought blue balls was a myth made up by men to get some.

[someguy1984]

I disagree with everything 1984 has said.

Except for the blueballs thing.

You disagree, because you watch porn...If you didn't, you would agree...

[Gribble]

He probably saw that you had asinine and borderline insane contempt for pornography and decided to parrot your own views back at you for the sake of avoiding your nagging.

Get over it or go find someone else who does an even better job of hiding his porn collection and who's willing to continue lying through his teeth to keep you happy.

[someguy1984]

He probably saw that you had asinine and borderline insane contempt for pornography and decided to parrot your own views back at you for the sake of avoiding your nagging.

Get over it or go find someone else who does an even better job of hiding his porn collection and who's willing to continue lying through his teeth to keep you happy.

Wow