Jealousy Ruining Relationship

[Ignathius]

I'm going to try my best to make this as short as possible.

My Fiance and I have been together for a little over two years, and things have been pretty good for the most part. People used to say we were a perfect couple. It was almost a fairy-tale style romance. We kind of ran away together to be together, (which I suppose could be an additional underlying cause of the problem, though I know her ex used to complain about her jealousy, so I don't know) and everything just seemed so perfect at first. The jealousy issue started pretty early on, but we were so in love that we would sort of talk about the issue for a bit and I'd reassure her and that would be that. After a while though our little confrontations would happen more and more frequently. Perhaps I should clarify these events a little.

I've never been one to gawk at girls, even when I was single, I never do anything that could be considered suspicious (I never hide or delete phone activity, never hid my inbox from her, always check in on time if I'm away, etc.) All it takes for her to get into one of her jealousy tiffs is an average looking girl doing something provocative on even daytime TV or G rated movies, and she switches into this rage mode and goes completely silent and won't speak to me for sometimes days, until she cools down enough to talk about it or I end up guessing what the issue is. It's extremely frustrating.

The weird part is, she is absolutely gorgeous, and I've told her an untold number of times. She should be the one other girls are jealous of. I've told her that, too. Perfect body, the most beautiful eyes you can imagine. She says she's never been cheated on, so I don't know where this comes from. It's not an issue of her thinking I'm going to cheat on her, she just doesn't want me to see another human female and even like what I see. If I find another girl even "pretty", it's over.

I know insecurity is probably the underlying cause, but I can't understand what started that. She is VERY over-analytic of everything. She'll stand in front of the mirror for long periods of time tearing herself apart and telling me not to look at all of these "flaws" that I don't see. I admit that I don't compliment her as much as I used to, for the simple fact that she over-analyzes any compliment I give and somehow tries to pull something negative out of it, whether its something about the tone of my voice, or her simply disagreeing with me. It's to the point now where if I'm admiring her, I have to devise some sort of strategy to give her a compliment that can't be twisted and turned around into some sort of disagreement or even an argument. It's like walking on eggshells, or perhaps a minefield. As you can guess, my compliments have dramatically decreased in frequency, thus fueling her insecurity and jealousy.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I love her very much, but lately I feel like I'm not cut out for this sort of thing and maybe I'd be better off alone. I'll never find another girl like her, that much is certain, but at this point it feels like I have no life. I'm afraid to go to movies because they might show a girl in her underwear and things will turn bad. I don't want to go out in public as much because some girl might be wearing some sort of low-cut top. These things were never issues before I was with her, but now when I see something like that I get extremely nervous and just want to turn around and run or hide my head in the sand. My only completely safe zone feels like when we're in bed and I'm reading a book (being careful to block the TV from view in case something comes on that I shouldn't see). When I'm watching TV I keep it on either National Geographic or the History Channel, or the news, because they seem the least likely to show a Victoria secret commercial or movie trailer with a famous actress or something.

I think things have come to a head lately because I've been trying to stand up to this behavior a bit more instead of being submissive like I normally am. I know its making things worse but I really don't know if I can go on like this anymore. Lately she's even said she doesn't believe me sometimes when I get called into work and that I'm going somewhere else, and that when I am texting my friends (all male, theres no way I could ever have a female friend) that I'm actually texting a girl. When this happens I always immediately show her my phone and the texts that I've been sending, and sometimes she'll sit there for an extended period of time going through my phone, which I never object to because I'm not hiding anything, but it gets really annoying and emotionally tiring.

Help me! I"m tired of being accused of things I never did and being made into a liar. I feel bad because she'll cry about how our relationship has been lately and I'm so emotionally drained I just feel numb and hollow and I probably look like an asshole for not crying.

Looks like I failed at keeping this short. Sorry.

[tanner]

This post sounds like I could have written it. I too have been in a long term relationship and the jealousy is killing me as of late. Not only does she have access to my phone/email, etc. She has all of my passwords! I am expected to look at the floor when we are in public because there may be a woman nearby. You are lucky that you can watch the news - she tells me that news stations hire women that men want to look at so I am banned! Funny thing is that this girl is a true "10" and should not be jealous of anybody. When I say this out loud I wonder how I let myself get into this mess.

I am thinking more and more every day about leaving. There is too much suffering. I have tried talking but there are always excuses and it is always my fault.

[girl68]

She needs help and not from you.

Goodluck trying to approach THAT subject...

[kmr]

I have been in this situation before with an ex. He was very controlling. I had no guy friends and he sometimes got jealous of girlfriends. I was never quite in the situation of never being able to look at another male, but eventually I had to leave him because of his issues.

You should ask her if she is willing to go talk to a professional about this. Tell her you love her and you want to make things work and you believe that you two could be so happy with some help and remind her that millions of people in the world see therapists every day. It's not a big deal - everyone has their issues.

I am having insecurity issues myself and it is very hard to deal with. I have actually thought of recently seeing someone myself. I guess the only reason I hold off is because I hope I can change myself.

Do you know about her childhood and how her father/father-figure's relationship was with her? I think that has a lot to do with it. I never knew my father and my brother and I barely talk. I think that has something to do with why I always think my boyfriend will someday find someone better/leave me.

Also - have you tried random romantic gestures? That's something I wish my boyfriend would do more often. As cliche as it sounds, those little things make me feel so good. Send her a flower at work with a short and simple loving note. Just to see that your loved one took the time out to show his love for you is amazing.

I once took a psychology class that taught me a lot. Basically, "You teach people how to treat you" was the key. Are you reinforcing her jealousy fits with "No i love you!" and explaining this on and on? It sounds so hard to do, but in this case you simple have to say "I love you, you are the only one I want." and walk away or tell her you will not communicate with her until she can calm down and logically think about the situation.

Sorry for the long post - I hope I helped.

[Katherine]

It's very hard for guys to understand why girls are easy to get jealous. Like me, most of the girls are sensitive. The more they love their partners, the easier they get jealous. I sometimes also act like that. I always feel upset if my boyfriend look at other girls on the street, even though I know it is very normal. It has nothing to do with being perfect. I'm also a sweet and pretty girl, but very easy to get jealous and paranoid. My boyfriend was pissed off all the time but I just cannot help it. Because I love him so much and to me, he is such a perfect guy. So, maybe you should be more patient, and remember, that is only because she loves you too much. If she doesn't love you that much, she will not give a shit.

[IndiReloaded]

Green eyed monster. Especially the monster part. Yikes.

I think this is something inherent to her personality. If it spills into other issues and areas of your relationship, look out. You'll have to decide if this is a deal-breaker or something you can overlook. Good luck.

[SAVANAH]

Speak to her, have a serious talk and tell her how bad it's gotten for you, It's clear that she does love you and if you not up to this anymore then leave but if you want to fight then it's time for a serious talk, once she hears you willing to leave because of it, she'll bewanting to talk anyway

[Bumble_bee]

if you didn't put that insecurity there, you cannot remove it...she needs to work on that herself, I'd start throwing my own weight around and tell her if she doesn't address these issues it will drive yuo away, and probably affect every other part of her life.

running around having irrational/paranoid thoughts...is seriously something she needs to address, or you will never be happy together. good luck

[Ignathius]

Thanks everyone for the replies!

You are lucky that you can watch the news - she tells me that news stations hire women that men want to look at so I am banned!

Wow, Tanner, I feel sorry for you, man! I don't think I could put up with that for very long. If you can't watch the news then nothing is safe!

You should ask her if she is willing to go talk to a professional about this.

I've hinted at the prospect of seeing a counselor (not that we could afford one at this point) but she said something to the effect of she'd rather end it if it got so bad we needed counseling.

Do you know about her childhood and how her father/father-figure's relationship was with her?

Apparently her father has always been good to her and he was around, but didn't spend much time with the kids (she has two older brothers) and apparently would feel bad about it and spoil her with material things. I guess he would either be at work, or when he was home he'd watch TV. She was always a mama's girl growing up. Her mom left her dad when she was like 15, which must have been pretty traumatic being old enough to understand what was going on (mine divorced when I was really young, so it wasn't so bad since I never had that "normal" family life to begin with). Now she's closer with her father than her mother, but still isn't very close to any of her family, though she talks about them often and loves them very much. If that makes sense.

Also - have you tried random romantic gestures?

I used to do romantic gestures all the time, but as more of the jealousy and over analyzing of everything set it, I think a resentment started building to where I'd do things like that less often (I guess I was bitter and didn't fully realize it), which I know feeds into her securities and makes her more jealous. It's almost like we're at a stalemate at this point. Normally if I were upset about some sort of jealous fit she was throwing at me I would eventually cave in when she would inadvertently do something cute and against my better judgement I'd cuddle up with her or give her an extra long hug before going to work and everything would get swept under the rug and nothing would get resolved. I'd always be the one to come crawling back no matter if I was the one at fault or not. She's not once ever apologized for anything unless I apologized for something first. I think whats upsetting her is that she sees that that isn't going to happen this time. (If I can keep holding out).

It sounds so hard to do, but in this case you simple have to say "I love you, you are the only one I want." and walk away or tell her you will not communicate with her until she can calm down and logically think about the situation.

It's extremely hard to get her to think logically. She's always been a very negative person (she would probably deny this) and always jumps to the worst conclusions in any situation that has to do with her, whether its about our relationship or something at work, or the way someone looks at her or says something to her, etc. I've tried the walking away thing numerous times, in the form of just staying silent when our voices get elevated to avoid an argument, but again, things just end up getting swept under the rug and nothing gets resolved.

So, maybe you should be more patient, and remember, that is only because she loves you too much. If she doesn't love you that much, she will not give a shit.

I agree to a certain extent. In fact this was one of my excuses when I first started seeing the signs of extreme jealousy. At first it was "well her ex must have been checking other girls out all the time or something", then it was "Well maybe it's just because she really loves me and is protective over me", but after a couple years it's just driven me away, which I've warned her it would. If she loves me that much she shouldn't treat me that way, because now because of it I'm seriously contemplating leaving. A guy can only put up with so much. I used to think I was a champ for putting up with it as long as I have, but after so long its just worn me down to where I feel like I'm in a cage and need to get out before I suffocate or kill myself. If you treat your man like this be very careful. If he's like me he won't truly show how upset he is until he reaches some sort of breaking point like I have.

I think this is something inherent to her personality.

I think you may be right. Stubbornness is another factor that makes things difficult. When we get in arguments she throws her engagement ring back to me and if I say something that annoys her in an argument she threatens to leave if I say it again.

For example we didn't see each other for 3 weeks, and when we finally got together again I was all over her in front of everyone (we were in public) basically holding her and petting her face and telling her how beautiful she was while were were sitting there, I wouldn't let her out of my sight, like I was her little puppy (kind of like the beginning of the relationship) and despite a couple hours of that, on the way home we got in a huge argument because she said I was checking out a bartender lady that was wearing a low cut shirt, even though theres no way in hell I was, because I was too wrapped up in my fiance to even notice anything else around me! In our argument I said something to the effect of "I can't believe it's only been 4 hours back together and we're already arguing", and then maybe a half hour later in the argument I said something to the same effect and she said "Say that again and I'm leaving". It was later on that she threw her rings back at me. It's never been the same since.

Speak to her, have a serious talk and tell her how bad it's gotten for you, It's clear that she does love you and if you not up to this anymore then leave but if you want to fight then it's time for a serious talk, once she hears you willing to leave because of it, she'll bewanting to talk anyway

That is my plan. The sad thing is, we've been reduced to talking about serious stuff like this electronically. Verbal communication gets out of hand, then stalls because we don't want to argue. So now we have to plan a time to talk via texting or instant messaging or something. Pretty lame, huh.

if you didn't put that insecurity there, you cannot remove it

Thats been my feeling the whole time. The problem is that she thinks that her jealousy is a result of my lack of compliments and affection. I know the lack of compliments has fed the vicious cycle, but it definitely wasn't the cause. I know this because I remember one of her jealousy tinges was triggered from a PG-13 movie that we saw in theaters, which (I actually checked this last night) came out less than a month after we got together, and that was back when everything was beyond fantastic between us and I still felt like Don Juan. The lack of affection has been a very recent issue, as my resentment built to a level where I get stressed out just being around her sometimes. In those situations it can be really difficult to be genuinely affectionate.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

What I don't understand is where it all comes from seeing as you stated she's never been cheated on.

I know I get insecurities based on past experiences, or just plain out hearing other guys talk shit about girls they've been withm but to not even have experienced that? Something is puzzling there.

[Ignathius]

I know she's been around guys a lot that probably talked about girls, but I don't see how this could make her insecure. She knows she's a looker, and guys check her out all the time. I think she's way too hard on herself. Sometimes she'll fish for compliments and say something like "I hate my stomach" to which I'll reply "Why? I love it, its way sexy" and then she backs me into a corner with something like "but it sticks out" and then I'm damned either way, because even though it pokes out ever so slightly, (I've even seen mannequin stomachs that stick out more) if I say it doesn't it would be a lie and she'd get super mad, but if I tell the truth and say something like, "So what? It barely sticks out and I like it that way" she'll get super mad because I'm agreeing that it sticks out.

We've been through scenarios like this with every imaginable attribute on numerous occasions, so you can see why I can be a bit timid in my approach to compliment her. It's like walking through a minefield.

Sometimes if she says something like, "I have ugly legs", I'll reply with "No you Don't" in a tone that says "don't be ridiculous" (I've told her and shown her physically how much I love her legs repeatedly) and she gets upset because of my tone of voice. It's like theres no way out. Now when she says something like that I immediately stress out. Its like I get trapped into a situation with no possible peaceful outcome. No matter what my answer is, it's going to be bad.

[Gigabitch]

Well, do you want out? I would. Maybe you should tell her it's come to that.

[GirLee4Ever]

Somehow, I think there is more to it then that. Do you do thing look at porn or other girls and make comments about them?
You not being able to watch the news or tv is ridiculous but if you are watching porn or checking out chicks on the internet and making comments about girls, real or 2d, I can see how she would feel threatened.
Maybe you should DO things to make her feel like you do appreciate her. SAYING things is one thing..DOING things is another. I agree with the posters comments about doing something romantic or taking some action instead of just words. Compliments are nice but girls need more then talk or words to make them feel loved or desired. Try that and see what happens. Also tell her to chill out. Some things are not ok. Some are totally normal and ok..like the news.

[Ignathius]

That is the thing, though. I don't do any of that. I've watched porn in the past (who hasn't?), but I never really got into it or made a habit out of it, and it was way before her. I've never been one to comment about girls even among guy friends. I think there should be give and take as well, however. If I'm going to be doing all these romantic things for her and for things to be how they were, she can't expect to accuse me of things I don't do and things keep going without any effect. At this point I feel like a romantic gesture would have to be forced, because of the resentment that has built up over time. Hence the stalemate feeling.

I have a night off tomorrow, and she works an earlier shift, so I'm hoping we can make some progress then.

[GirLee4Ever]

"romantic gesture would have to be forced, because of the resentment that has built up over time. Hence the stalemate feeling."

I understand. Yet you have to start somewhere. Start there, then talk to her.
I think you do a lot to proove yourself. I say start with a non-offensive, loving gesture and open the door for communicating in that way. Being that she is your fiance, I assume you are serious about her ,then let her know that for your future to unfold as it should, she has to get her mind right. Go to counseling, together. Seriously.
After a few sessions, the counselor may decide he only wants to see her alone.
At least you will have gained some insight . If she is not willing to seek professional help, then there is no hope. You are doing everything for her, she can do the same for you. I wish you the best of luck.