About to be dumped?!? What to do?

[dbrckovi]

Hello!

Sorry for souch a long post, but I don't know how to say it in short.

I was dating a girl for the past 2.5 months.
I was her first boyfriend (she's 21. I'm 22). The only previous experience
she had before me, was when a guy took advantage of her and dumped her. (few years ago)

I had a painfull experience (dumped) few years ago too and I didn't have much luck with girls until this one.

Over the years we both lost trust and confidence in opposite sex, but we were desparate each for their own reasons, and we both hoped there is someone out there waiting for us.

When we met she fell in love in me and asked me out. On the first day she explained her situation and told she would be crushed if I'd hurt her too.

Although I didn't have some serious feelings for her at first I said to myself I'll give her a shot, and I promissed her I won't hurt her.

I told her I had a painfull experience before and that it will took some time for
me to develop some feelings for her. She said she had all the time in the world becouse she was sure I was the one she was waiting for.

During our relationship I was extra carefull not to go too far with her (physicaly and emotionaly) and we both seemd happy.

When we were alone I was more free with her, experimenting and trying to please her reading her body language, but when we were in public we were both affraid to show more interest in each other.

Last week she was on a vacation with her friend. For financial and other reasns I was unable to go with her although she begged me.
I think the most important reason was that I wasn't sure about my feelings
and I thought it would be a mistake to go on a vacation with her so early
(only 2 months).

On the first day she was gone I realised I love her and I send her an SMS saying this to her. Se said I made her the happiest girl on the world.

But a day after she cut almost all contact with me answering only to my most desperate messages, and I really was desperate.

When she came back, she said she really didn't mean to, but she did cheat on me with some much older (29) guy (kissing and hanging out with him).

Now she is not sure about feelings towards me or towards that guy. She said that this guy is not an option for her becouse he is much too old for her, but now she is unsure about what to do with me.

I had a realy long talk with her about that and I found out that she was attracted to him becouse he was much more "free" with her in public and privately. I told her why I was so closed towards her and I told her I will change that becouse I want the same thing - to be more free with her.

Since she is unsure I decided to give her some time to think it over and tell me when she makes her decision.
I told her I would forgive her if she choses to get back to me but I won't do anything stupid if she dumps me. (I'm not that stupid although I'm desparate)

Later that day I noticed she wanted to kiss me but I refused saying it probably wouldn't be smart, but I regreted that and early today I waited for
her to exit her house and kissed her. I told her I'm sorry I was so closed towards her and that I am ready to change that in the future, but she seemed very cool towards me, although she didn't refuse the kiss.

I told her not to pitty me, or think I would do something stupid, but that I would be happiest If she decides to stay with me.

Am I too possesive towards her? Was this kiss a mistake? I only wanted to show her that I can be "free" with her. Am I putting her under too much pressure?
I told her I want something special with her and not only an affair. I also mentioned marrige some time in a distant future. Did this scare her?
I'm not serious about marrying her. It is the last thing on my mind and she knows that, but it seems that she panicked.
I know I panicked when she said she wants a serious relationship first day we started dating, and she said that on several other ocassions before that vacation.

Is it possible that some summer affair could have coused her to change her mind about me, and forget all her feelings she had before.
I mean. She was 100% sure I was the one and that she wants to spend the life with me, but in a few days it was all gone.

Can someone explain what happened? I trust her, and I belive it was only kissing with a guy she met. Nothing more. But I can't understand how someone can be absolutely in love with someone one day and the day after forgets everything.

She admitted that after she was with him she wanted to dump me, but she didn't want to do it over the SMS or phone. She wanted to do it in person, but when she saw me she thought she would regret, and now she is absolutely lost and confused.

Does she need some time hanging out with other guys before she will know what she wants? Maybe she is affraid I will be her last guy in the life.

I think I explained enough. Can someone please share their an opinion with me, or maybe someone had a similar experience?

Personally I would like to know what girls think of that, becouse I would really like to understand what is going on in her head.
I know I am emotionaly not able to cheat on someone I am involved with.
I know it becouse I promised myself I'll never do it to someone and I proved it
to myself several times in my life, but maybe that's why I can't understand what is going on in her head - becouse I never did it myself.

I know you can't make her make the decision but maybe you can help me in some other way. I really love this girl and something tells me she is the one. I doubt it's a teen love, becouse I had that and this is nothing similar to that. I know 2.5 months is very small amount of time, but I can't help myself.

Thank you very much in advance.

[Anthony]

Throughout your message I received the impression that the relationship lacks a firm grounding, and is moving far too quickly under the present circumstances. From top to bottom, here are a few comments:

Over the years we both lost trust and confidence in opposite sex, but we were desparate each for their own reasons, and we both hoped there is someone out there waiting for us.

When we met she fell in love in me and asked me out. On the first day she explained her situation and told she would be crushed if I'd hurt her too.

This immediately raised a red flag. I don't believe there's anything wrong with seeking compansionship or wanting to end loneliness or pain, however rushing into a relationship seems to me like only a way to increase that pain in the future. While falling in love at first sight is possible, I believe you were right in being somewhat cautious of her.

She said she had all the time in the world becouse she was sure I was the one she was waiting for.

After that amount of time, this deserves another red flag. It takes time to get to know a person, a statement like that generally implies extensive knowledge and trust.

When she came back, she said she really didn't mean to, but she did cheat on me with some much older (29) guy (kissing and hanging out with him).

Now she is not sure about feelings towards me or towards that guy. She said that this guy is not an option for her becouse he is much too old for her, but now she is unsure about what to do with me.

Disloyalty and uncommitment. Pardon the frankness, but if you stated that you had found the person you were wanting to spend the rest of your life with, could you bring yourself to cheat on them, especially after only a few months? She should be thankful that you didn't end the relationship at this point -- I certainly would have.

I don't know whether it was just your wording or was actually her own, however "what to do with you," doesn't strike me as an acceptable comment for a mutual relationship.

I had a realy long talk with her about that and I found out that she was attracted to him becouse he was much more "free" with her in public and privately.

Being open and sincere with a partner can usually help to sustain a relationship, but when it takes such a little gesture from a stranger to cause her to betray your trust, I would develop serious concerns about her trustworthiness. Has she ever come to speak with you about her concerns regarding closeness and trust? If not, why?

Am I too possesive towards her? Was this kiss a mistake? I only wanted to show her that I can be "free" with her. Am I putting her under too much pressure?
I told her I want something special with her and not only an affair. I also mentioned marrige some time in a distant future. Did this scare her?

I wouldn't consider you posessive for wanting her to be commited and trustworthy. Instead of showing that you can be open with her by way of a kiss, would she be interested in a private and personal conversation to help break through some of the ice?

You are right in wanting more than an affair, however I'm not certain as to whether she is genuinely willing to participate in anything more than that, with whichever label to her actions that she would choose to give.

I trust her, and I belive it was only kissing with a guy she met. Nothing more. But I can't understand how someone can be absolutely in love with someone one day and the day after forgets everything.

A kiss with another man is not something to dismiss on a whim. In a relationship, that is not acceptable, regardless of the circumstances.

In my previous relationship, I recall cringing when hearing, "I love you." Unfortunately, while the words might be said, the true strength and support behind them may not exist. That was the case with my relationship, as it may be with your own.

I know I am emotionaly not able to cheat on someone I am involved with.

I agree with you entirely on this comment. I could never bring myself to cheat in a relationship, and would rather end the relationship out of respect than betray the trust that it commands.

Although I believe the relationship was started with the best of intentions, from your description, it doesn't seem to me that she is ready nor able to participate in a commited relationship, and I would be very dubious of her actions, regardless. From a personal standpoint, after such a short amount of time in the relationship, her cheating with another man, even if it was only a kiss, would cause me to instantly end the relationship. I respect that you care about her, but I don't believe it's a good idea to continue the relationship at this time. At the very least, I would suggest that you give her plenty of time to sort out her mixed feelings and decide which path she would like to take.

[dbrckovi]

Thanks a lot Anthony.

Her honesty that first day did raise the red flag in me.
I panicked, and I admited it to her few days after, but on the other side
I was flattered that someone shared something like that with me, and generally trusted me with their most intimate secrets.

I thought if she was able to open up to almost a complete stranger without being asked, then maybe she is the one who can finnaly see the real me.

I have to say that I also didn't have much experience with girls. I was with that one girl which dumped me when I was a kid (16 yrs), and after that I had several 'feelingless' relationships which lasted for few days max.
So I also didn't know how to act in a more serious relationship and how to
recognize and understand that red flags.

I thought that I panicked becouse I was generaly shy and cautious with people, especially with girls I like, and I decided I will try to ignore my fears and try to show some courage at least this time.
I knew that I wouldn't forgive myself If I refused her that day.

Now I see that this panic was something more than just the fact that I was shy.

I told her about that panic I was feeling, but she couldn't understand why.
I told her I don't wan't to rush into a relationship, and that I want to take it one step at a time, but on the other side I was very flattered by the amount of feelings she was showing towards me.

At one point at the beginning (a week later or so) I went out with my friends and she went with hers. The day after she almost cried becouse she was convinced I was cheating on her. My first reaction was anger for not trusting me, but later I apologized and convinced her I would never do that, and after that she apologized too and trusted me afterwards.

She put me under similar pressure few times after that. First she tried to find a way to introduce me to her parents, and finnaly she did it by saying her father needs some help with comuters which is my occupation, so I met them.

Then, indirectly, she wanted to meet my parents by saying: "How much I would like to see your room and that books you're allways talking about!".
or "I could come and do the dishes for you!" and stuff like that.

On one occasion she indirectly mentioned she would like to have sex with me, but although I'm not a virgin I indirectly refused becouse we were far from ready for that.

All those red flags, but I thought: she is also unexperienced and she probably
doesn't know how to behave in a relationship, but since she is so soserious, she won't mind if I slow her down and tell we have all the time in the world.

I told her I need some time to fall in love, but when I do, I would tell her.
She also couldn't understand why. I told her that "I love you!" is more than words to me and that all I can give her at the moment is that she is the most amazing person I met, and that each day I feel more connected with her.

After a month or so, when I started to feel something deeper, I refused to think that this is love, becouse I was affraid I would get hurt again.
And finally when she was leaving, she said that she won't make it through the whole vacation without me. Then it hit me like never before that I actually love that girl, and, maybe it was a mistake, but I told her how I feel.

I know she was possesive at the beginnning but I knew she has nothing to fear, and I thought if she is so sure about me, then I have nothing to fear from her either. I thought I was the luckyest guy alive for having a honest and secure relationship.

Now I see that some things are definitly not like they seem. I still think we could be a very succesfull couple becouse we share the same opinion about
many important things, but maybe she needs to uncover her needs and desires she was hiding all those years.
I don't think she's crazy or something like that. She is very smart girl with very healthy view on the world, but maybe she really does need some time
to go wild and re-live all those years she missed becouse she was too desparate.

Maybe I need it too, but, at least, I had contact with more girls, despite the fact that I had no feelings, and I probably developed some sense on what I need.

I think I found that in her.

I tried to convince myself that I am not a stupid boy anymore, and that I finally want to take my life in a different direction this time. I thought she had the same opinion.

I think I blame myself for not seeing this comming at the first place, and for not recognizing the true meaning of that red flags. But on the other hand how could i have known that? This was the first time something like that happened to me.

I don't even know why I am writng all of this. Maybe I need to share it with someone smarter or more experienced than me.

However. I know this was a very valuable experience to me, and I know I will learn something out of this, regardless of the outcome.

Thank you very much for your opinion. I have a lot of thinking to do.
I will give her some time to think, and I won't give up on her so easy, but
I won't place her under any pressure.
Maybe she's not as ready for so much pressure as I was.
I admit I really am tolerant towards everybody and everything. It doesn't take much to make me happy.

Anyway thanks for listening, and thanks for your help.

[dbrckovi]

I forgot to mention this:

We had a honest talk but I was confused and surprised when she told me what is going on. I tried to understand the reasons why she did that and how she feels, but she seemd very uncomfortable by sharing that with me. she still thinks I hate her for that. I don't. I told her that, and maybe this is what I tried to prove with that kiss.
I don't know.

My conclusion of our talk was that I am willing to give her some time, and don't hate her for what she did.

Her conclusion was that she is very sorry and ashamed, but she doesn't know how she feels and wants anymore. Her actual words were: "I don't know, and I don't know when I'll know."

I guess the time will tell.

[PandaCivic]

it's simple. she doesn't really know what she wants. let her fall on her face and be with the other guy. you shouldn't be with her if she isn't even loyal to you. yes, people cheat, but it's just wrong to have you waiting. if you really love her, let her go, if she comes back she's yours, if she doesn't, she never was yours to begin with...but if she does come back, kick her to the curb, because she shouldn't have messed around in the first place. once a cheater, always a cheater. find someone else.

[dbrckovi]

Man. What a weird day. I changed dozens of moods today. From desperation through hope and satisfaction to anger and back.

I have decided to let her do what she wants. I won't initiate anything. I won't send her any messages. If she sends some to me I'll answer it, but I'll try not to show any serious interest in her. I'll let her think I started to cool down.

I told her everything what I think of her. I tried to show her I am capable of more than I showed before, but I think that if I keep pushing her she will either panic and run away or she might get the impression that I am a sure thing to which she can return when ever she likes.

Maybe this is exactly what she thought when she cheated on me.

If she really has that feelings towards me like she was saying before that vacation,then she will start realising she might lose me, and decide to come back.

If she doesn't realise that, then her feelings were never real, and although It would be a pitty, I'll let her go without whyning.

At least I'll feel good about myself knowing I didn't make a complete idiot out of myself. I screwed enough already by not showing the initial anger for what she did to me at the time she told me. I only said I'm sorry for what she did but I pushed my anger deeper into me, which I know is not very healthy or very honest.
At the time she confessed, I saw she was miserable so I guess I tried to comfort her by accepting an appology and saying I am ready to forgive it eventualy when I gain all the confidence I had in her before.

I still won't give up on her, becouse I know it would be pitty, but I can't make her realise that if she doesn't want to.

I know that cheating shouldn't be tolerated easily, but I am willing to take that risk, becouse I know she is worth it and I know how dissapointed she is with her self now. I saw it in her eyes becouse she looked down when I looked in her eyes this morning after kissing her.

I know I have a hard road before me to take, but at least I know I'll learn to respect myself and my desires a bit more.

Thank you all for helping me realise that. Now I only have to put this into practice, and this is something only I can do.

I'll try taking more chances in my life. I mean, I can show much more curage in other fields in life, I think It's about time to show more curage in my love/emotional life.

I'll try post any changes here if for nothing else then as some kind of a diary.
I hope you wont mind.

[dbrckovi]

Hi again.

We broke up for good yesterday.

We had another long talk, which was not so long as the one last sunday, but we shared more information.

She said she still can't decide for sure becouse half of her wants to come back and another half is still on the vacation with that guy.
She said she could be with me, but it wouldn't be fair becouse she might think of another guy while she is with me, and she doesn't want to do that to me.

I told her she was going too fast in the first place. I told her the mistakes she was doing, and told her she obviously has some issues with her self which she has to solve before she can be ready for more serious relationship.
I offered her friendship and someone to talk to when ever she needs someone to listen or give another opinion, becouse I saw even before that her "best" friend(s) are not something I would call my best friend. They can tell everything each other, but they are not capable of sharing good advices. Instead of helping her, they were dragging her away from her problems promissing everything will be allright if she doesn't think about that. I spent 2-3 hours yesterday trying to convince her that she can't do that anymore. She's 21 and it's about time she takes some matters in her own hands.
I think she realised what I was trying to tell her, and I think I proved that she can trust me with anything.

So for now we are friends, hoping to be the best friends, and maybe back together sometime in the future, but not before she knows for sure what she wants.

[Anthony]

I told her she was going too fast in the first place. I told her the mistakes she was doing, and told her she obviously has some issues with her self which she has to solve before she can be ready for more serious relationship.

Although I agree you, I've found that rephrasing negative statements to be directed to the person complaining, rather than the person being complained to, often greatly helps to smooth over difficult subjects. If you encounter similar circumstances with her in the future, the following example might be helpful:

For example, instead of saying "there are a number of emotional and internal issues you need to resolve," it could be reworded to say something like "I feel that I'm not being given a fair chance in this relationship; you seem to be emotionally undecided as to whether or not you want the commitment."

By slightly altering the sentence, you can direct the problem towards yourself, which can help to prevent the other person from feeling insulted and reacting negatively.

they were dragging her away from her problems promissing everything will be allright if she doesn't think about that. I spent 2-3 hours yesterday trying to convince her that she can't do that anymore. She's 21 and it's about time she takes some matters in her own hands.

I believe that for her, the age of adolescent flirting and wild behavior has long passed. She should be responsible for herself and her actions, rather than, for lack of a better set of words, choosing to "jump around."

[dbrckovi]

Thanks again for your opinion, but I have decided to let her go.
I have tried everything to get her back, even to transfer all the guilt onto me, but I just can't reach her. When we are talking and when I explain what I think, she understands everything perfectly and knows something has to be done, but the next day she forgets everything she agreed the day before.

For example: Last sunday we broke up, but the next day she called me to her friends birthday and sent me few messages saying how much she loves me. When I told her I can't do that, she agreed and didn't call me until friday. On friday, she was on a party with her friend and probably had few drinks so she called me again to ask where I was.
I tried to act uninterested and talk to her like with any other friend, but after that she called me few more times asking some "stupid" questions like. "Can you lend me some CD?" or "Can you tell your friend my friend is in love with him?" etc.
I have a feeling she was only checking on me to see if I'm with some other girl, becouse at the time I was out with my friends.

The next day she went on another party but I stayed home and sent her a message answering one of the questions she asked me the day before but she didn't bother to respond.

I have a feeling she's playing with my emotions, but I still don't know if she's doing it on purpose or not.
I try not to take this too personaly and I'm trying to remain cool on souch "provocations", but some of it still gets to me.

I mean. I finally manage to make some progress in effort to forget her and move on, but then she calls me and everything is back on the beginning.

Now I decided, I'll dictate the "tempo" of our communication. Until now I responded to each of her calls as soon as possible, but when I called her, she doesn't bother too much to respond or doesn't even respond at all.

Now I'll play her game and ignore her until she learns the feeling of not knowing where I am and what I am doing.

After all that time of thinking and cooling down I really don't know if this is the right girl for me. At least not yet. I know that deep inside she's a really good and sweet person but she obviously is not mature enough to see the real values in her seff and in people around her.

I know I was like her few years ago and my father had hundrets of talks with me telling me the same thing I was telling her, (like: "Think before you do something"),
but these talks didn't reach me until some point when I realised what he was saying.

Maybe she has to learn this on her own.

[blue]

Yes let her go. sometimes just because it seems good dosent mean that its good for you. You have done the right thing, dont let her or anyone for that matter to play with your emotions. The best thing i think is to not call her or answer her calls for a while. If you see her say hi but move quickly at least for a little while. You are right sometimes it takes people making their own mistakes to grow up. The best of luck and you will be fine, you seem like a great guy.

[dbrckovi]

Thanks.

You guys really did help me realise some things I doubt I'd realise on my own.

[blue]

Your welcome and anytime.

[dbrckovi]

Things just won't be quiet.
Yesterday she was on another party with her friend. (It was some local 3 day festival)
We exchanged few messages I'd like you to see.

Note that this is a translation from Croatian language so some things sound differently
in English but the meaning is very similar.

Ex G/F:
> Hey. Where are you? We're at the festival. It's perfect. Why don't you come?

(I didn't respond)

Ex G/F:
> (calls me but I don't respond)

Her friend:
> Why aren't you answering her calls? She's crazy!
> She loves you and wants to be with you at least for one night.
> I'm probably crazy too for telling you this, but it's true.
> She LOVES you.

Me:
> I'm not answering becouse one night means nothing to me.
> As far as I remember, we broke up, and she confirmed it on tuesday.
> If she wants to be with me, she will have to say it to me in person and sober.

Friend:
> She's not drunk. She wants to see you! I think she wants you for more than one > night.
> You have to come! Don't miss that chance if you care.

Me:
> If she really loves me than this love will last until tomorrow.
> I'm sick and tired of her games, and me running after her like a complete jackass.
> When she decides, she can let me know. Until then, I don't need some part-time
> relationship.

Friend: (one or two hours after my last message)
> I don't understand her either and I don't know what is going on in her head.
> Sorry, but she's crazy! I'll check with her tomorrow to see if she's serious
> about this.

Now I'm wondering if I did the right thing.
I feel good about my self for letting her know how I feel but I don't know if I was
too "rough" to her.

Should I reamin silent until she contacts me or should I have another talk with her?

[blue]

no no no dont do that she dosent know what she wants at all and you shouldnt stick yourself in the middle of this. Tell her friends to stop calling you too. hey just let her go completely once again cut off all contact. Even her friends know that she just isnt thinking clearly. Steer clear of her.

[dbrckovi]

Hi again.

I was really pissed off yesterday and I finaly said everything I wanted to say to her from the bottom of my heart and I'm not sorry for that. If she'll want to be with me some time in the future, it's better for her to know that I have the other (angry and proud) side of me which won't let anyone play with my feelings and self respect.
Until yesterday this side was silent becouse I thought she'll understand when I explain nicely, but she obviously needs someone to get angry with her to understand some things. I think this is another proove that she's actualy a teenage girl "trapped" in a body of 21 old.

I sent her few messages yesterday saying I'm angry with her for playing with my feelings becouse I'm trying to move on with my life.
I told her if we are broken up then I expect her to behave like this.
I told her she doesn't have the right to be jelous (don't know if I spelled that right)
or the right to ask one day relationships from me.

I told her I want her to say "Hi!" when she sees me on the street and eventualy we can go on a cup of cofee but that's it.
If she has some problems, she can ask me or talk to me about it, becouse I want us to stay friends, but I won't let her play games with me anymore.

If, after all I have said and done for her, she won't be able to come back then it's better for us to be apart. I know this kind of honesty would work on me, but time will tell if she'll ever understand what I was saying, and what I'm willing to offer.

After that said I really don't care what her decision will be if she ever decides anything. It took some time to accept that we're not together anymore but now that I accepted it I'm ready to move on. I know I'll be happy in my life. That's what's most important to me.

I know I'll still have moments of desparation and I'll never completely get over her but at least my conscious is clear, and I finaly feel good about myself.

Until she clears her conscious too, I won't have anything intimate with her.


Blue...
Thanks but I won't cut all contact becouse I know how hard it is for someone to ignore me.
I just won't do that to her. That week when she was on a vacation, I was in hell just becouse I didn't know what's going on. If she told me what was going on immediately
I'd be crushed but at least I'd know what I should think and in which direction I should go.

I won't initiate anything but I will briefly answer her calls and messages (maybe with one or two hours delay just to make her worry), if for nothing else then to show that I'm still alive.

When she called me on friday to ask me where I was and what I was doing, it did hurt a bit, but it was a short and friendly conversation. It didn't bother me that much.
But I won't tolerate her saying one thing and doing the opposite.