Help me care less!!! *long*

[Madklown187]

I have a problem. I just wish i did NOT care so much. the littlest things bother me. let me explain.

I knew this girl over myspace for about 4 years. We were only friends, We would always joke about being together but knew it would not work cause i live in Oregon and she lives in California. We talked mildly we saw eachother go through several relationships. We starting talking more and really had a connection and decided we were not gonna let distance stand in the way of something that COULD be forever. You never know unless you try. I had bought ticktes to fly down and see her about 3 weeks later. Now during this 3 weeks we were super lovey, and flirty. always saying how handsome or beautiful eachother are. I am a good looking guy, but she is so amazingly gorgeous, i seriously feel intimidated. But she would always say how good looking i was and how she wanted to move up here with me. I had never even met this girl yet i felt like i loved her, But i didnt say it.

We finally meet and things go GREAT! One night after making love, we were laying there and i told her i wanted to tell her something but i was scared it would scare her away. I told her i was in love with her, but i didnt wnat her to say it unless she meant it. And she didnt say it. The next night we were making love and mid way through she leans down into my ear (she was on top) and says, i wanna tell you something. I said "whats that?" she said. "I love you" Right there my heart just dropped. (in a good way). I mean i have had girls tell me they love me but NEVER has it effected me this much. I actually started to tear/cry. She says "you act like noone has told you they love you before" and i said "They have, but it never meant this much to me".
We didnt even finish having sex, thats how powerful it was for me to hear her say it"

Anyways I come home back to Oregon. First few days we were sitll kinda lovey. But now it seems like she has backed off some on the lovey stuff. She on ocasion tells me im good looking. Tells me she loves me usually only at night when we get off the phone. If i dont text her she wont text me for like 4+ hours. I have talked to her about it and she says that she loves me and misses me just a smuch as i do her, and just cause she does not show it as much as i do does not mean she does not love me or think about me all the time. She used to text me all the time saying "hello handsome" Now its just "Hello"

Which for me is a problem. even a small change like that makes me feel like she doesnt feel it anymore. and it makes me depressed.

She is coming up to see me in about 9 days. WHich that in itself should tell me she loves me, or she wouldnt take time off work to fly up here to see me.

but its not enough for me i like to HEAR her say i love you, hear her say im handsome, her her say i miss you. She is slowly stopping saying those.

Im obbsessed. I think about her 24/7 litterally. Even if im busy, she is awlays on my mind. It makes me depressed cause i cant stop thinking about her and knowing how much i miss and want to be with her. I have already confronted her about my insecurity and id ont wanna do it anymore cause i dont wnat to scare her away with my obsession. How can i make it stop?

Its like i love her SOO much that it hurts and makes me depressed that i cant be with her.

how can i CARE LESS???

I have a problem and i need help....... should i see a counsler?

[FullofSighs]

Well its a good thing you care, and you can care all you want. But it sounds like that before you two met she really wanted you, and was trying her hardest to get you. Now that you have seen each other and have each other, she doesn't want to hurt herself cuz of the long distance that between you. She may feel that if she says all those things and what not, she is just gunna depress herself cuz she'll be doing what your doing and thinking of you 24/7. So the way i see it, is that she likes you a lot and wants to be with you, just trying to help the long distance part as much as possible. You should do the same, be flirty but not really really flirty, you know?

Then when you see her in the nine days or so, see how she acts, see if she acts kinda the same as she first saw you, but im sure its not gunna be the same, but it doesn't necesarily mean its a bad thing either.

[Madklown187]

Thank you for replying. Anything helps. I just really need someone to give me advice.

Part of it is. I grew up in a family who constinatly said i love you and showed There love to eachother. So i grew up being very close and affectionate. So now i feel like im smothering her. She says im not. I kinda beleive her 50-50. one of her EX's who she was with for 2 years. was SUPER over protective and jealous and worse then i am. and he cheated on her.

although that sucks for her. im glad cause it gives me something to think "least i know she has had worse"

I need a way to care less... or a way to seem like i care less... Im not good at playing hard to get, cause i like to be open with my feelings... but it has seemed to make me lose relationships in the past.

I try tonot text her and let her text me.. but then all day im just wondering "what is she doing, why is she not texting me, does she even care?" I know that she does and she is busy but my mind tells me something else.. i think i have a mental sickness??

[Bumble_bee]

you wear your heart on your sleave, nothing wrong with that...you know what makes this worse? you justifying every minute why you need this kind of contact with her...its over-bearing and not needed. dnt burden her with this, she will see an insecure man, needy for reassurance all the time....

set yourself some boundaries...how many times you are going to email/call/text her, eg...one text in the morning....light hearted, call her at night...how was yr day, goodnight. 3 emails per week....ect

you dnt need therapy, you need to learn to respect that other peoples boundaries are just not as far reachng as yours.

[ellie]

You don't need to play hard to get. Just back off. Keep yourself busy.

The more you crave her affection the more you will push her away! She loves you and she's coming to see you. She says she misses you and that she loves you. What more proof do you need?

Just cool it off, try and not be so needy, and I'm sure it will be fine... Keep yourself busy, see your friends. Do things.

When she doesn't text you and is busy - well keep yourself busy too then! Why should you wait around for her to text you? That is not logical - no begging or willpower will change her. She will call you when she misses you, and your worrying won't have any impact on it.

Fill that need for constant reassurance with other things, such as love from your friends etc.


If it gets worse, maybe she just doesn't feel as strongly for you as you do for her?

[Sanctuary]

Im obbsessed. I think about her 24/7 litterally. Even if im busy, she is awlays on my mind. It makes me depressed cause i cant stop thinking about her and knowing how much i miss and want to be with her. I have already confronted her about my insecurity and id ont wanna do it anymore cause i dont wnat to scare her away with my obsession. How can i make it stop?

Stop being such a pussy before you lose her. Hang out with your other friends. Go partake in whatever hobbies it is that you enjoy. Remember - you have a life outside of her.

If not, then that makes you boring and your insecurity will also get on her nerves and slowly push her away.

[MVPlaya]

She used to text me all the time saying "hello handsome" Now its just "Hello"

Which for me is a problem. even a small change like that makes me feel like she doesnt feel it anymore. and it makes me depressed.

You are needy and clingy. Is this the first relationship you've had where you've felt this strongly about someone?

Honestly, I was similar in my first relationship in high school. I was very strongly in love with this girl and when we broke up it broke my heart and I was down for a month. But the experience taught me to be in better control of my emotions and I've never since let myself develop feelings for women that quickly.

All I can tell you is that life is a learning process. Find other things in life that make you happy, besides your girlfriends. Whether its friends, sports, travelling, whatever. Have something to do and think about besides this girl, otherwise you will drown her out with your neediness and the relationship will suffer.

[tiredofgames]

From a girl's perspective, I find you really sweet. It would be nice if there were more guys like you. Too many men bottle things up, it's good that you told her exactly how you were feeling. I don't think you should 'care less' as you wrote, being in love is great and she said she loves you too, so it's not like it's a one sided thing.
I don't know you, so I'm not sure what you mean by being obsessed but don't exaggerate when it comes to words, poetry etc. Many girls are actually turned off when a guy CONSTANTLY says/writes stuff like 'you are the most beautiful gem in the world yaddayadda'. Remember that it's the actions that count, not the words.

[Linli]

I'm quite like this when I'm feeling on edge about my relationship, too. I really think it's just an insecurity thing. I'm definitely not the best advice giver in this department, but I think what has helped me to (mostly) overcome this tendency to rely on constant reassurance is pursuing someone who wouldn't tolerate it.

I was interested in this guy for a couple of years who was fiercely independent and, I would guess, really had no feelings for me at the time. He gave me that vibe right off the bat and, even though I was eager to talk to him or have him talk to me, I was forced to be cool about it in order to keep him around. (Strangely, we're dating now, haha) I think you should think of it as an exercise in willpower for a bit, but, eventually, as your feelings level out, you'll find yourself absorbed in other activities and not even thinking about what she's doing.

Remember: this isn't a bad thing! It's the best thing! It's the part where you realise that that person truly cares about you and their being with you (as in, a part of the relationship) is reassurance enough.

It's hard at first: your feelings are out on the line, etc., but you should be able to trust that, if she wasn't in love with you, she wouldn't waste her time reassuring you or her money coming to visit you. Furthermore, and this is only a very recent development for me, you have to think... what would be the worst possible outcome here? You guys break up because of the distance or something? You certainly won't be the first (or last) guy to suffer a broken heart and she certainly won't be the last appealing girl you meet.
You'll work it out. It's REALLY NOT the end of the world.