Missed opportunity from 6 years ago comes back to haunt me...

[Jambo]

I'll start from the beginning, just to give a better idea of where I'm coming from.

It's 2003, and I'm in my second year at a junior college. Most of my classes are hands-on and taken in a building dedicated gunsmithing, machine shop, and CNC classes: the Engineering building. It just so happens that one of the secretaries in the building has a younger sister, Heather who's in her Senior year at the local high school.

On her lunch breaks, she likes to come by and sit and chat with some of us students. Being that I was the closest to her age (I was 20 and she was 18.), I guess felt she could identify with me better, thus, more interested in me. On top of that, we even seemed to connect well.

Naturally, some of the other guys liked give me a hard time about stuff, and just give me some friendly ribbing. Heather apparently takes notice of how sometimes I'm bothered by it. One day, I make my way out to my truck for something, and she runs after me, tells me that she likes me, and doesn't care what the other guys say about me. The conversation goes on for a few minutes, and ends with her suggesting that we go to a movie or a football game sometime. Of course, I agreed that it would be a fun thing to do.

For some reason, though, the act of her making the first move put me off. It was just so unsatisfying that, without me even trying to start something with her, going out with her was in my grasp...without me even reaching. It didn't feel rewarding because I didn't do anything to earn it but just carry on casual conversations with her. I expected more effort to be required, like her playing hard to get.

Anyway, regretfully, nothing ever happened. Since I became instantly disinterested from her making the first move, I.......I just didn't feel like making an effort.

For whatever reason, I didn't think about her much up until the past few months. Of course, throughout the years, it sometimes crossed my mind what I passed up, but it never bothered me, and I never thought to try to establish contact with her.

Sadly, I could only remember her first name, but I knew enough of the details relating to her to find her last name. Not surprisingly, I find that she's already married. At this point, it hits me like a slab of concrete how badly I screwed up, and how much I passed up by not being proactive, and not following through. Even with my sudden lack of interest, it simply didn't make sense that I just didn't bother with her, anymore, because I enjoyed her company.

I've had a few crushes; I've been in love twice I've felt heartache like I never felt; and I've had my heart broken so badly that I even went so far as to get out my 1911 and put a clip in, but doing nothing more than holding in my hands, gazing at it.

In some ways, that situation was more hurtful than what I'm going through right now, but it was just the result of my brother have a 2-night stand with a female for whom I actually had feelings for (unlike him).

So, ultimately, it doesn't hold a candle to what I've been going through since Monday because my current state of misery is a result of an entirely avoidable mistake that I made six years ago. A mistake that wouldn't have occured if I just followed through, and took the next step.

As a result, my heartbreak is compounded by anger, frustration, confusion...remorse, hatred, and nostalgia. I passed up something so great, so wonderful, and I was just two years out of high school, just getting started in the real world. Like so many other people, I found someone wonderful while in college. I know it's rather presumptuous to talk like marriage was inevitable, but...looking back, I can see that there was definitely a strong romantic relationship in our future. They say that it's ideal for spouses to be best friends. Though we weren't best friends, I felt very comfortable around her. Not the least bit nervous. Undoubtedly, she felt the same way.


Unfortunately for me, I have a great long-term memory (except for her last name, but only because she mentioned it only once, in passing), and a vivid and extremely hyperactive imagination. So, naturally, it's pretty easy for me to play the events in my head, changing the course of things as I see fit.

Even with my imagination being the way it is, of all of the girls for whom I've had strong feelings, she is the only one I could actually see myself marrying, and having kids with. Unfortunately, that will never come to pass, all because I was too stupid to realize what I was passing up.


Anyway, I guess I really don't have anything to ask, other than some advice for getting over this.

(sorry for the wall of text)

[Bumble_bee]

Firstly, you're not dillusional about the whole thing, you acknowledge that it is nostalgia, and given what you have been through over the years it is easy to see why you are thinking about a missed opportunity...


the only practical advice really, is that it is just a matter of time, try occupying yourself with other things in your life, and do not indulge in anymore searching for information about her life, this is unhealthy for your own state of mind...

[Cbrider]

Unfortunately the past is just that, the past. Its set in stone and can never be altered, only built on or used a lesson for the future.

You were 20, she was 18, its statistically wouldn't have lasted. Everyone thinks that their relationship would have been an exception, but the reality is that everyone is a statistic and numbers don't lie.

Your mind is holding these memories in remission, in a dormant state because you haven't made the choice to release your past from your present. You have to make the decision to move on, to not dwell on the past.

If you give yourself the chance, your mind will slowly dissolve the memories away and release you from the torture your bringing upon yourself. I beat myself up and drowned in my own sorrow for a long time after my first serious relationship. Mental pain is exponentially harder to deal with and suppress than physical pain. I held on tight to all the memories and all it did was drag me down.

I finally made the choice to just let it all go because I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. As time passed I lost all recollection of the bad times and hurtful things, I still remember the happier memories, but I have completely forgotten any specifics. Birthday, phone numbers, notes, anything that could remind me of the bad things in the past are completely gone.

When these things pass, the anger, frustration and sadness will go with it. You will become truly indifferent about it, which is as close as you can come to being at peace with yourself.

[Jambo]

Maybe. Maybe not. No, numbers don't lie, but nor are statistics to be taken as the law. Nothing is certain, except death and taxes.

At the very least, she's was a great match for me. We felt comfortable around one another. We didn't feel pressured to try to be someone better than we were. We had similar likes/dislikes, political views, etc. She was easily the best thing I never had, but could have had.

I'm still trying to figure out why one second, I know I want to be with this girl, and then the next second...I am completely disinterested. For as long as I can remember, I've come across girls that I just wanted to have, but knew that it wasn't meant to be. I was desensitized to not having my desires fulfilled. Then, when it was inevitable that they would be........I just...shut down. I stopped feeling anything, at all.

I think the problem was it was just too perfect, and something had to go awry (and it might as well have been me): boy has poor luck in high school; boy graduates and goes to college; boy meets girl he likes; girl likes boy; boy and girl start dating; boy and girl lose virginity to one another; boy and girl continue to date; boy falls for girl; girl falls for boy; two years later, boy and girl get married......................

Yeah, pretty idealistic, huh?

I give myself two or three months, tops, to get over this. Even then, this is still going to eat away at me for quite some time...


The thing is...if I had the opportunity to chat with her for a little bit, I know it would make all the difference in the world. If anything, just so I could poke fun at myself in front of her, and maybe share a laugh over what a buffoon I was for not doing anything. Sadly, I sent her a friend request on facebook earlier this week, and have yet to get either a confirmation or a denial. Given how short her friends list is (only 34), she probably doesn't use it anymore, and changed her email address some time ago.





*sigh* I really ****ed up...

[Cbrider]

At the very least, she's was a great match for me.

No two people are he same, but many are alike.

In the short time you knew her, there were similarities and things you held in common. The thing is that once you actually delve into the deeper areas of a relationship, that's when the incompatibilities begin you surface and come fourth.

There's nothing wrong with with walking away with the knowledge of what worked and what possibily didn't You wont move on until YOU make that choice.

There are too many fish in the sea to dwell on one, believe me.

[Jambo]

I realize that no two people are the same. That's a given. Of every female I've know, single or spoken for, Heather was the best fit. The older sister of one of my friends is close, though.

I appreciate the effort but the "plenty of fish in the sea," "you'll find someone else," "there's someone for everyone" type of BS simply doesn't work with me. It never has and it never will because, though I'm sure it's not your intention, it makes me feel patronized.

Is a timespan of several months not long enough for any compatibilities to surface?

What would you define as an incompatibility?

[all alone]

Have you suffered from depression by any chance?.. I don't know, I may be coming out of left field, but just the way some stuff was described, just how you phrased it made it come to mind.

Just a thought..

[kai]

Been there, done that, dude. I know how you feel. It sucks big time to see the best girl you've ever met with someone else and that too because of one stupid decision.

She's married now. It would be really bad if you try to enter her life. Don't do that. You've sent the request anyway, so just wait. If she accepts it then don't try to talk too much because that'll lead to more feelings. If she doesn't then all is cool. Just carry on with your life.

[Confused__Man]

Not the exact same as something I went through as my chance was taken from me by circumstances. If she is married then that is it, if she was single then I would fight for what you want until it's 100% over. There would be nothing to lose.

[Jambo]

The thing is, from the looks of things, she got married not two years after her and I met.

[Jambo]

Have you suffered from depression by any chance?.. I don't know, I may be coming out of left field, but just the way some stuff was described, just how you phrased it made it come to mind.

Just a thought..

Have suffered in the past, and currently do.

I'm an emotional train wreck, to put it lightly.

[Jambo]

Been there, done that, dude. I know how you feel. It sucks big time to see the best girl you've ever met with someone else and that too because of one stupid decision.

She's married now. It would be really bad if you try to enter her life. Don't do that. You've sent the request anyway, so just wait. If she accepts it then don't try to talk too much because that'll lead to more feelings. If she doesn't then all is cool. Just carry on with your life.

Well, the Heather that I sent the request to ended up not being the right Heather. She had the same last name, but I'm guessing that it's her maiden name. It's the same as "my" Heather's taken name.

No worries, though...

I decided to do what I should have done right from the start: email her older sister. I worded the email pretty well, so as not to come off sounding like a creep (even though I've already sunk that low). I think it came out pretty well. Just sent it earlier today during a break at work. I got a second and third opinion, though.

I still just can't bear the thought that I could have had a wonderful relationship with this terrific girl. At the very least, it would have lasted several months, which would have been more than enough time to really bond.

Needless to say, it'll be quite some time before I stop hating myself over this.





God, it's just so hard to think about anything tha took place in the 5 1/2-year timespan between then and now. It drives me insane that I never once, NOT ONCE, thought to try to contact her.

[Jambo]

My God, why did I even waste my time thinking about any other girl for the part 5 1/2 years?! To add insult to injury, it didn't even get me anywhere, experience-wise

And by "experience" I don't necessarily mean sex.







.............I've never even kissed a girl.


I think this will be my last post.....

[jdm95si]

I appreciate the effort but the "plenty of fish in the sea," "you'll find someone else," "there's someone for everyone" type of BS simply doesn't work with me. It never has and it never will because, though I'm sure it's not your intention, it makes me feel patronized.

Is a timespan of several months not long enough for any compatibilities to surface?

What would you define as an incompatibility?

people can date for years without an incompatability surfacing. its the sad truth. as for plenty of fish in the sea, its true, theres plenty of girls who are a better match for you, its kind of lunacy to think this girl you knew for a short while was "it". Movies and pop culture instill this in us.

No worries, though...

I decided to do what I should have done right from the start: email her older sister. I worded the email pretty well, so as not to come off sounding like a creep (even though I've already sunk that low). I think it came out pretty well. Just sent it earlier today during a break at work. I got a second and third opinion, though.

I still just can't bear the thought that I could have had a wonderful relationship with this terrific girl. At the very least, it would have lasted several months, which would have been more than enough time to really bond.

Needless to say, it'll be quite some time before I stop hating myself over this.





God, it's just so hard to think about anything tha took place in the 5 1/2-year timespan between then and now. It drives me insane that I never once, NOT ONCE, thought to try to contact her.

that might not have been the best idea emailing her. You need to accept the FACT that you dont know that she was the end all beat all girl of your life, more than likely she wasnt, i know its hard to be realistic when your torn up from love but its the truth, you never contacted her for this long, dont you think if you couldnt go on without her you wouldve contacted her sooner. stop beating yourself up bud.

My God, why did I even waste my time thinking about any other girl for the part 5 1/2 years?! To add insult to injury, it didn't even get me anywhere, experience-wise

And by "experience" I don't necessarily mean sex.







.............I've never even kissed a girl.


I think this will be my last post.....

this post is rather disturbing. your 25 1/2 and you havent kissed a woman yet would explain the frustration and hopelessness your feeling.

[Jambo]

that might not have been the best idea emailing her. You need to accept the FACT that you dont know that she was the end all beat all girl of your life, more than likely she wasnt, i know its hard to be realistic when your torn up from love but its the truth, you never contacted her for this long, dont you think if you couldnt go on without her you wouldve contacted her sooner. stop beating yourself up bud.

That's really not for you to judge or decide, especially since you don't understand the intent of the email.

I didn't email in the hopes of rekindling anything, as you seem to assume, bud. I sent the email in the hopes of making any kind of contact with her. She was there at my graduation ceremony. She congratulated me, we hugged, I thanked her for kind words, and I said goodbye to her, because that was the last time I was ever going to see it

this post is rather disturbing. your 25 1/2 and you havent kissed a woman yet would explain the frustration and hopelessness your feeling.

Gee, thanks buddy. As though I didn't feel shitty enough already, you found it necessary to rub in the sad fact that I lack of any sort of experience. Thanks, but I'm well away of how pathetic I am.

Right now, I'm trying to better understand why I became disinterested, all of a sudden. Here's this girl that I am nuts about, and she actually feels the same way about me. After talking with her and some of my classmates, I walk out the door to get something from my pickup, she runs after me to tell me that she doesn't care what other guys say, and that she really likes me. As I mentioned earlier, at the end of the conversation, she makes the suggestion that we go to a movie or a football game together, sometime.

RIGHT THEN! As soon as she said that, I went from really liking her to being totally indifferent. It was even hard for me to say, "Yeah, that would be fun."



.........I don't get it.

I just don't understand what the hell was wrong with me.

I just don't understand why it took me six years to realize what a enormous mistake I made.

I just don't understand why it took me six years to realize how much I must have hurt her. This girl really liked me, and all I have gave her was a half-hearted goodbye after the ceremony. I didn't even apologize for being such a lame-ass, and never taking her out.

The first girl I ever liked who liked me back, and I just threw her away. Because of that, I don't feel that even deserve to find someone else.