Really strange relationship and now friends, or are we?

[questionmark22]

Hi, i dated someone for a month and a half, we got along extremely well, spent a lot of time together and had chats which were leading to a suggestion we were on the right track.

Then out of the blue, he suddenly decided he is not ready for a relationship. This was apparently not because of me but because of his need to focus on himself....we'd spent way too much time together, he needed to refocus on work after it had gone badly and he'd fallen sick, partly out of exhaustion. Looking at his state when we broke up, i think he was being truthful.

He was desperate to be friends so i said fine. I have been making an effort, sending a text every two weeks or so but i send one, he replies instantly asking how i am, i reply ask a question or two and then silence.

I find this weird given he used to text ten times a day and now cant gather the energy to send more than one text. Its just a bit rude.

How should i read this whole thing? Or am i lacking rationality?

[girl68]

I don't think he was desperate to be friends. I think he made it look like he was so that you wouldn't be so hurt and he could kid himself into believing that he wasn't going to lose you completely.

If he was so desperate to be friends, let him make the next move. And "friends" don't just awkardly text eachother out of the blue, they are actaully friends.

[questionmark22]

Its true, but i was just trying to make the effort to start the transition to friends by at least sending some texts to keep the lines of communication open (he's been away with work etc). But am i irrational in expecting more communication than that?

I should just leave it but just tempted to say i think its a little rude and if he wants to be proper friends to get in touch when so, assumign im being rational.

[girl68]

You're being irrational. Nearly every breakup I've ever heard of the dumper almost always claims they can't bear to lose you so they offer friendship. It's the biggest load of shit I've ever heard of. For the reasons above.

I don't think you're owed any sort of text in response (even though he claimed he wants to be friends you should be old enough to realize that this is typically just a line used in the breakup to make it a bit easier). If he wanted to talk to you or be your friend he would get in touch with you.

Sorry, it's harsh but it's true.

[bloodtippedrose]

this whole friends after relationship scenario is destined to fail 99% of the time.
the second you hear he's with another guy or chick it will be jealousy and self loathing.
I think he just wanted to be single and free again, possibly scared of commitment, maybe thinks he's losing his flirtatious edge.. whatever his reason was its best to part ways, all or nothing. "friendship" complicates things.

If I were you I would delete his phone number, delete him from your "top friends" if youre one of those sorts, toss, hide or donate pictures of him or crap he gave you and possibly go as far as changing your number so temptation of wanting him to call is gone. (leaving one outlet like email address would be alright as long as you dont email him, wait to see if he ever does to you but dont expect it.) Now none of this is to be mean to him but to help you severe your idea of this relationship forming again. We dont want you waiting on someone if he really doesnt want to be with you any longer. And dont think youre not still treating it as a relationship because you still hold expectations for him, i.e. to txt you back and hold a conversation.

Get over him, drown yourself in hobbies and social situations. if he truly truly wants you to be his friend then he will make the effort to get in touch (if he emails right away then if I were you I wouldnt reply the first few times or maybe just really really short replies) and think its super attractive how independent and self sufficient you are without him.

like I said, all or nothing.

[lhn]

Bloodtippedrose is sooooooooo right. Reading that has just helped me personally too. I got dumped, found myself deep in depression and hoping for some way back into my previous relationship. Failed miserably and became even more depressed. Learnt she was seeing someone else and fell into even more depression and then somehow found myself trying to make the effort to be friends when really, they don't care. They have a new plaything and you're no longer wanted/needed/desired or whatever else you're hoping for.

God this forum can sound grim but you have to understand that sometimes, they just don't miss you. I'm am not trying to sound cold, im still heartbroken and lonely but I don't want to keep feeling crap so I'm facing the truth and trying to force it out of me.

Be strong, we're here to help if you need it. But don't live for hope that isn't there. It hurts too much

[questionmark22]

Thanks all, just sent him a text saying the whole friends idea is bad because ultimately we didnt start that way and becoming occassional friends is not easy as a function of that. I actually feel a lot better ! thanks a lot guys, i can actually let go of it now. !!

[girl68]

good work kid.

[bloodtippedrose]

awesome for you questionmark22. Out of all forums Ive ever tried I have found this one to have good people and really good advice. Thats why I suggest you always leave a post when you feel like crap. Trust me, lots of people can relate. I hope moving on for you is at fast pace.
I have been in a similar boat as you and Ihn. Got dumped and tried everything to gain his affection back, was really depressed about it and him seeing someone else etc., etc., TRUST ME the more and faster you push yourself away from them the happier youll be.
Both of you guys, there are better guys and girls out there to date rather than dwelling over someone who has moved on. Keep yourselves very distracted, you'll get over them eventually.

[questionmark22]

Cant believe i failed ! I was out on the weekend, a little tipsy and texted him saying that the truth as to why i cant be friends with him is i found myself thinking about him when i went on a date with someone else and that i could now therefore know i've ended it all honestly, albeit embarrassingly - rather than my excuse before which was i wasnt sure he wanted to be real friends. what an idiot i am.

[lhn]

All I would say questionmark is that it has happened to a lot of us. A little drink down you and then all of a sudden... u start to think 'if i say such and such they will suddenly change their mind and realise they made a mistake'. When u read it back the follow day u think 'bollox, should have stuck to my sober decision'.

Funny old world

[bloodtippedrose]

doesnt happen to me
I dont drink