I'm the Dumper, and my Dumpee is still being mean...

[cmacattack1]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to forgive him. I think it shows understanding and maturity. You can forgive him and not want to be with him. You can still love him but not want to be with him. He is always going to have a little piece of you being your first everything.

I have to admit, being the once emotional abuser myself, I want to see my ex in person and apologize for everything I did. I still love her, I still care about her, I still want to take her on a date and see if the new me and the probably not new her are still compatible. I already did the apologizing at first, but I was in that panic desparation phase. Now she is with a new guy, it's been three months for them, but I still want to do it. I just wonder if its the right thing to do. If I make things worse by showing up in her life and bringing up those hurt feelings? Should I even care in terms of them? I wonder..

Why were you so upset and felt suffocated?

[chick]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to forgive him. I think it shows understanding and maturity. You can forgive him and not want to be with him. You can still love him but not want to be with him. He is always going to have a little piece of you being your first everything.

I have to admit, being the once emotional abuser myself, I want to see my ex in person and apologize for everything I did. I still love her, I still care about her, I still want to take her on a date and see if the new me and the probably not new her are still compatible. I already did the apologizing at first, but I was in that panic desparation phase. Now she is with a new guy, it's been three months for them, but I still want to do it. I just wonder if its the right thing to do. If I make things worse by showing up in her life and bringing up those hurt feelings? Should I even care in terms of them? I wonder..

Why were you so upset and felt suffocated?

Almost 5 months ago, he confessed that he still found me attractive and I basically knew where shit was going to go, so I told him to just get the hell out of my life and don't bother to contact me ever again, or else I'll contact the police for a restraining order. Harsh, I know, but I was just so bewildered that he can be all like "Lulz, I'm friendzoning you!" to "Damn baby let's bang."

Uh, no.

So we didn't contacted each other for like a month and two weeks. During that time, his birthday came up, but I ignored it. So after two weeks, my mother came up to me and told me she saw him in person when she was picking up my brother from school. My ex saw her, waved at her with a friendly smile, told my brother something, and walked away. I have had my suspicious that he tried to talk to my brother even though my brother loathes him so much. But anyway... Two weeks after that, was when he sent me the apology text.

If you looked at the timeline, it just looks forced, you know? Like he wanted my mom to talk about him to me and be all like, "Omg he's grown so much, that's so nice and mature of him to wave at me like that, blah blah blah!" so then I can be like, "Lawdy, I better contact him and have him back in my life again!"

But then I didn't, you see? So he had to send me that text... But I chose to ignore it. That's when he pulled a complete 180 and talked shit on my mom to my brother's face! It's like he thinks if he played nice, he'll recieve a cookie. But he didn't, so he threw a temper tantrum and break stuff for attention all over again.

I'm sure that with your ex she would be dying to hear for an apology. I don't know how she'll react, but I'm sure she'll greatly appreciate it. As for me... The reason why I felt so upset and suffocated was because I really didn't expected that he would contact me out of the blue like that, you know? So I freaked out a little inside and couldn't respond.

[cmacattack1]

Right. I'm afraid of telling her that I love her still will just inflate her ego more because she was already walking on me like a doormat after the breakup. I wanted to apologize for taking what we had for granted, not appreciating what I had until I didn't have it any more, and for not being honest with my feelings. And she wasn't perfect either. She was very immature, had her priorities mixed up, and desparate in our relationship as well.

Like I said, she has a new steady boyfriend though and I would just be getting in the way of that. Which isn't right, but if she doesn't care about me anymore and she is honest about that, what does she have to worry about? Would it be acting like the jealous ex if I were to do that? I don't want to ask her back I just want to see how she feels about me in 100 percent pure honesty. The end of our relationship was nothing but dishonesty from both of us.

[chick]

Right. I'm afraid of telling her that I love her still will just inflate her ego more because she was already walking on me like a doormat after the breakup. I wanted to apologize for taking what we had for granted, not appreciating what I had until I didn't have it any more, and for not being honest with my feelings. And she wasn't perfect either. She was very immature, had her priorities mixed up, and desparate in our relationship as well.

Like I said, she has a new steady boyfriend though and I would just be getting in the way of that. Which isn't right, but if she doesn't care about me anymore and she is honest about that, what does she have to worry about? Would it be acting like the jealous ex if I were to do that? I don't want to ask her back I just want to see how she feels about me in 100 percent pure honesty. The end of our relationship was nothing but dishonesty from both of us.

In the end, I think that if it's meant to be, it'll happen and you two will be back together. For now, since she's involved with someone else, I would just back off and treat her like a ghost in your past.

I just realized something. My ex is a drug dealer and sells marijuana as well as smoke them and drops acid. I wonder if maybe I can anonymously report him and send him to jail. Hahaha, that would be so mean on my part but in a way I'm helping out the community. =P

Sigh... Don't know if I have the heart for it, though. But then again... Maybe this will wake him up? Maybe this will show him what reality is all about, that there's more to life than partying and being like his horrible parents/friends?

[cmacattack1]

It very well could be a wake up call he needs. Does he think he is a badass? Physically abusing women? Nasty Nate will be waiting for him in jail, yo.

It could very well help put a little fear in him. It could also make it worse because then he's now "been to jail" and he might think he's so hard now. And put something on his record, further sinking him into that life.

It could go either way on this one. You know him better than I do? All this talk about him, you must really still have SOME feelings for him. Or nobody since that has really put their effect on you like he has.

[chick]

It very well could be a wake up call he needs. Does he think he is a badass? Physically abusing women? Nasty Nate will be waiting for him in jail, yo.

It could very well help put a little fear in him. It could also make it worse because then he's now "been to jail" and he might think he's so hard now. And put something on his record, further sinking him into that life.

It could go either way on this one. You know him better than I do? All this talk about him, you must really still have SOME feelings for him. Or nobody since that has really put their effect on you like he has.

Yeah, you're right. I think for now, it's time to put this to rest and while I do feel sorry for him since he'll probably always be like this to every woman he's going to be with, in the end... I have myself to worry about.

I don't know what my feelings are for him, but I still and will always have a soft spot for him since he's my first. I had the most amazing talk tonight with my brother and it finally made me realize that the past is the past, it's time to put it behind me, and all this resentment, all this bitterness and sadness will just hold me back in life.

So thank you everyone, and thank you especially cma. I think that you should forgive your ex in your heart just like I have. It will set you free just like it did for me tonight. You can't control what other people do, but you can control your reactions and realizations over what happens to you in life, you know?

I think I found the closure I needed thanks to my brother. Life should never be about hang-ups... The world will still turn even when you and somebody else breaks up. And you know what... Who knows what the future will bring. Either my ex wakes up and becomes a better person, or he can stay how he is and I'll become a better person and find myself an amazing guy who I can be proud to call my own boyfriend and hopefully someday, my husband. <3

[cmacattack1]

In 20 years, if we are both single, let's get married? Deal? K great.

I've already forgiven my ex, she's the one that hasn't forgiven me. I need her to so I can put my grand plan to get her back in action!

Seriously though, I'm glad your brother really talked you into that. I know we all said we can't change what's happened, what's done is done. I know we all say we can't control how we feel or how they feel, but we can control what we do. If it finally sinks in and you finally accept that fact, life is a little brighter, air is a little fresher, and everything will be okay.

I'm sure you will still think about him and still get down from time to time, but keep that outlook and perspective and it will be a little easier. And you never know, maybe he will change and maybe he will surprise you and swoop you off your feet. Not likely, and impossible anytime soon, but things happen when you least expect it.

[chick]

In 20 years, if we are both single, let's get married? Deal? K great.

I've already forgiven my ex, she's the one that hasn't forgiven me. I need her to so I can put my grand plan to get her back in action!

Seriously though, I'm glad your brother really talked you into that. I know we all said we can't change what's happened, what's done is done. I know we all say we can't control how we feel or how they feel, but we can control what we do. If it finally sinks in and you finally accept that fact, life is a little brighter, air is a little fresher, and everything will be okay.

I'm sure you will still think about him and still get down from time to time, but keep that outlook and perspective and it will be a little easier. And you never know, maybe he will change and maybe he will surprise you and swoop you off your feet. Not likely, and impossible anytime soon, but things happen when you least expect it.

Hahahaha sure! =D

Why won't your ex forgive you? Do you mean about you being emotionally abusive to her? Cause that takes a bit of time... I mean, everybody's different, but for us women, it'll take at least a good year or so before we can forgive our exes when they affect us in a big way, good or bad. Or both at the same time...

There's just no way he'll ever change. He has changed... For the worse, and it makes me so sad because now he is everything that he hates; A mean, spiteful, hateful, life-ruiner. I have a good feeling that not a lot of people like him much anymore, and are using him for drug connections and maybe for a good boinking in bed since he can't say no to anyone. And it's weird how unstable he gets after sleeping with someone... He gets so attached to them and they just laugh at his face and walk away, leaving him broken.

Nothing I can do or say will help him snap out of it. I mean yeah, like you say, who knows what the future will bring, I'm going to win either way; Either he comes back a new and better man, or I find a much more suited match for me and I can be happier... I don't know how I'm going the react if he ever reaches out for me again. But then again, I feel like he's waiting for me to break NC and to just say something. But I don't know what, haha!

[cmacattack1]

Ah my ex told me what I did to her was "unforgiveable", that I was the reason she did shitty in school, she didn't hang out with her friends, she gained weight, etc. etc. She complained about her weight before things went bad, her grades sucked before I met her, and her best friend went abroad when we began dating so she became pretty attached to me. She chose to do all those things and saying I'm responsible for her decisions is pretty childish.

It was true, I was emotionally abusive. She would pour her heart out to me, cry and beg on the phone, wondering why I wasn't who I was anymore. Wanting me to do things to make her feel important again, call more, text more, send her stuff in the mail. I pretty much withheld my emotion, shut down on her, and the more she tried to get me to open up to her, the more stubborn I became. Withholding emotion is emotional abuse. No matter how many times I told her that it wasn't her, it was me, I had issues I needed to deal with them, she took it personally like she was a **** up.

I had one argument where I went to see her at work and she refused to talk to me the entire time and left without talking to me, so on my way home I was drunk and said she was being a bitch out loud to my friend and she overheard me when she came back to apologize.The extent of my verbal abuse. When she wanted to fix things and work them out when I was drunk and she was sober I just walked away. It seemed logical but it was more withholding emotion.

I know that by the time my ex talks to me again, her feelings for me will have long passed. It's possible that they haven't but it's not very likely. It's sad but something I've learned to accept. Whenever I'm stacked up against another guy, my negative history with her versus a new guy with a clean record, she will choose the other guy every time.

Sounds like marriage material to you doesn't it? Looking back, I don't even recognize myself.

ANYWAY

Sounds like your ex hit a bad spiral after you guys. He probably blames you for it. Blaming others for things you do. There's a definition of immaturity if I ever heard one. Drug connections, random bangs. That's too bad. I've always been a relationship guy through and through so I could never understand the random bangs. They never made me feel better about myself. And that's a guy saying this.

But yes! YOU ARE RIGHT! Logically, you will win either way. You will have your ex as a new and changed person or you will find somebody that will make that relationship you cared about so much look like a joke. It's sinking in already and I hope it makes you feel good!

[chick]

Ah my ex told me what I did to her was "unforgiveable", that I was the reason she did shitty in school, she didn't hang out with her friends, she gained weight, etc. etc. She complained about her weight before things went bad, her grades sucked before I met her, and her best friend went abroad when we began dating so she became pretty attached to me. She chose to do all those things and saying I'm responsible for her decisions is pretty childish.

It was true, I was emotionally abusive. She would pour her heart out to me, cry and beg on the phone, wondering why I wasn't who I was anymore. Wanting me to do things to make her feel important again, call more, text more, send her stuff in the mail. I pretty much withheld my emotion, shut down on her, and the more she tried to get me to open up to her, the more stubborn I became. Withholding emotion is emotional abuse. No matter how many times I told her that it wasn't her, it was me, I had issues I needed to deal with them, she took it personally like she was a **** up.

I had one argument where I went to see her at work and she refused to talk to me the entire time and left without talking to me, so on my way home I was drunk and said she was being a bitch out loud to my friend and she overheard me when she came back to apologize.The extent of my verbal abuse. When she wanted to fix things and work them out when I was drunk and she was sober I just walked away. It seemed logical but it was more withholding emotion.

I know that by the time my ex talks to me again, her feelings for me will have long passed. It's possible that they haven't but it's not very likely. It's sad but something I've learned to accept. Whenever I'm stacked up against another guy, my negative history with her versus a new guy with a clean record, she will choose the other guy every time.

Sounds like marriage material to you doesn't it? Looking back, I don't even recognize myself.

ANYWAY

Sounds like your ex hit a bad spiral after you guys. He probably blames you for it. Blaming others for things you do. There's a definition of immaturity if I ever heard one. Drug connections, random bangs. That's too bad. I've always been a relationship guy through and through so I could never understand the random bangs. They never made me feel better about myself. And that's a guy saying this.

But yes! YOU ARE RIGHT! Logically, you will win either way. You will have your ex as a new and changed person or you will find somebody that will make that relationship you cared about so much look like a joke. It's sinking in already and I hope it makes you feel good!

Aww. It sounded like you were really depressed when you were with her. I should know, I have depression and I always push people away when I'm in my low moods. It sucks, because I do love people that try to help me, but I just wanted to be left alone...

My ex called me the jealous lover even though it was him who would do and say things that he knows will invoke such emotions out of me. He would think I'm the one who isn't ready to be his friend when it was him who would shit himself whenever he saw me in the public after we agreed on a friendship. It's like, no matter what I do, it's all my fault. Me, me, me, me.

Maybe I should just contact him already and see if he has changed. If not, oh well. :/

[cmacattack1]

You are right. I was pretty depressed, I had issues, and they really had nothing to do with her. She wanted so bad to help and fix things but I had to want to help myself and I didn't. The frustration just mounted for her. She would see me treat everybody else I knew as gold but wouldn't get enough from me. I learned it from my mom as she was pretty emotionally abusive to me growing up but would be great to everybody else. Not saying it's an excuse but it takes really understanding where you get things from to help solve a problem.

Isn't it funny how no matter how much damage your boyfriend did, he is trying to absolve himself of the responsibility of it all? And that pretty much describes your relationship in a nutshell: immature with an immature partner. You've contributed too undoubtedly, but see it for what it is. I don't think you should base your judgement on what you hear from other people, the people that told you are probably biased. However, what he did with your brother was pretty shitty so it's pretty clear he hasn't. I don't think contacting him would get you anywhere, but maybe it would reenforce that you were rightttt. If that makes you sleep better at night...

[chick]

You are right. I was pretty depressed, I had issues, and they really had nothing to do with her. She wanted so bad to help and fix things but I had to want to help myself and I didn't. The frustration just mounted for her. She would see me treat everybody else I knew as gold but wouldn't get enough from me. I learned it from my mom as she was pretty emotionally abusive to me growing up but would be great to everybody else. Not saying it's an excuse but it takes really understanding where you get things from to help solve a problem.

Isn't it funny how no matter how much damage your boyfriend did, he is trying to absolve himself of the responsibility of it all? And that pretty much describes your relationship in a nutshell: immature with an immature partner. You've contributed too undoubtedly, but see it for what it is. I don't think you should base your judgement on what you hear from other people, the people that told you are probably biased. However, what he did with your brother was pretty shitty so it's pretty clear he hasn't. I don't think contacting him would get you anywhere, but maybe it would reenforce that you were rightttt. If that makes you sleep better at night...

I mean, my dad and I spoke about things yesterday and I have asked him why in the world my ex would say such vulgar things about my mom to my brother's face. And my dad was all, "Well, he's probably still very mad that things have ended." Which makes me really confused... I mean, my ex did put up a facade that he's happier in life without me (well, not without me, but without me as a romantic partner).

My mom never really liked him. She has, in the beginning, tried to break us up, but then stopped. But she would still do/say little things about him and I would tell him about them, and I guess he got very mad about it still to this day. Still... Why be mad still? It's over. Done. Finished. We're not even talking anymore... Why be upset still? I'm your ex.

Funny, I still remember his mobile number... I almost texted him this morning but couldn't bring myself to do it... NC really helps, but it can also build a huge wall between you and an ex after a while... It's like I'm using NC now as a cushion and a safety net for all of this... Now I'm too scared to get rid of the NC because of the unknown. I'm scared how he'll react, what will happen, etc.

Sigh.

[cmacattack1]

I have my last two exes number memorized. If I drank too much....watch out! Nah, I'm at a place of mental satisfaction right now where I don't need to worry about it.

Maybe's he's still mad about how things ended? Holding grudges? Since when has holding grudges been a mature way to handle things and show any understanding on his part? He doesn't want to understand, he wants to be right.

Or he actually feels that way? That's messed up.

Either way, it's apparently too soon. I'm sorry, you want the pain and the feelings to go away. You don't need to actively concentrate on trying to lose your feelings and forget him. You can't help how you feel. Just because you may have feelings for him still doesn't mean you have to be with him. You know right now that logically it wouldn't work. Who knows how you feel in the future?

Things will happen naturally. Just do what makes you happy and is beneficial for you.

[chick]

I have my last two exes number memorized. If I drank too much....watch out! Nah, I'm at a place of mental satisfaction right now where I don't need to worry about it.

Maybe's he's still mad about how things ended? Holding grudges? Since when has holding grudges been a mature way to handle things and show any understanding on his part? He doesn't want to understand, he wants to be right.

Or he actually feels that way? That's messed up.

Either way, it's apparently too soon. I'm sorry, you want the pain and the feelings to go away. You don't need to actively concentrate on trying to lose your feelings and forget him. You can't help how you feel. Just because you may have feelings for him still doesn't mean you have to be with him. You know right now that logically it wouldn't work. Who knows how you feel in the future?

Things will happen naturally. Just do what makes you happy and is beneficial for you.

Yeah, I guess mad because of just how ugly things ended between us... I am also angry how things ended too, though I'm much more quiet about it than he is. Being the dumper is much easier, but it still hurts.

I wrote a message and saved it in my drafts on my mobile that was supposed to be sent to him. Obviously I haven't send it yet... It goes, "Hey, it's chick. I've had a long time to think and I've decided I want to be able to forgive you. Text me if you'd like. xx" something like that, haha. =]

Who knows when I'll send it, though... I'm at the stage where I want to tie up loose ends and be the bigger person. I'm hoping for the best and preparing for the worst... If he reacts postively, great. If not, at least I'll know that it wasn't meant to be, as painful as it is to look at it that way. Our relationship wasn't that horrible, we were just immature and our "friends" didn't want us together at all... The world was against us, basically. It took a toll on me in the end...

I've known personal stories of other couples out there who has done way worse than what my ex and I did to each other and they still reconciled. There was major cheating... Abuse.... One person leaving the ex for a new person... And they still came back together. Not in a few months time, but a year or so later. When they both grew up a little and had time and space from each other to finally realize how much they appreciate each other.

Holding grudges will just make you misreable... Don't you think?

[cmacattack1]

Yeah it sure does. It will put your mind at ease to forgive him, even though he more or less took a big shit on you when you guys were dating. Holding all those hostile feelings towards somebody will bring you down, and I honestly feel sorry for people that feel that way. You are trying to understand and it's a good thing.