My BF is going thru some crisis-how can I help

[Summer123]

What can I do? He is going thru like a 'quarterlife crisis' instead of midlife crisis cause hes in his 20s. Get it? LOL srry anyway...he, i guess you can say is depression prone. He has been depressed before when he was younger but while we have been going out he hasn't been in quite a long time. He says it comes and goes. Now it's come back and he is acting different. He is not like himself. When i question him, ask what's wrong he says he doesn't know. He doesn't know about himself, he doesn't know what he wants, all he says is 'I don't know'. We have been having trouble in our relationship recently so i asked 'well do you know if you want to be with me' in which he responds yes..i want you. But then i don't know what it is he's not sure about. Like...life? I am not understanding...Anyhow since i don't really understand the most i can do is be there for him and try to help him. But he doesn't want to talk to anyone about it, not his friends he says, not me, not his parents. He just wants to keep by himself. Since he doesn't want to talk what can i do? It has been causing some MAJOR friction between us. I don't know what he's got to be depressed about..but he is. Seriously what can I do? Just give him space? Or what? I really am at a loss.

[ds615]

Just be there for him. Keep talking to him, do not "give him space". He's feeling down and depressed, leaving him alone is just the wrong answer.
You don't know what he has to be depressed about, be cause the might not be anything. Depression just comes and goes, and it isn't always triggered by anything.

He really does need to talk to someone about it. He might not feel comfortable talking to you, or his friends. Suggest a therapist, and suggest it often. However, be careful not to badger him about it, or he'll just say no out of habit.

He needs to know you are there for him, that's all you can do.

[Summer123]

Ok thanks. I told him i am there for him..at first i tried to figure out what was wrong but then he didnt budge..he said he didnt know and that he didnt wanna talk about it so I left it at that

[TheWizard]

it's not common but some of us have some very deep and dark secrets that we haven't shared with anyone and expressing those things to a lover can prove extremely hard. Just support him and don't nag him. The winter time can be very depressing outside without the sun, just ask anyone who lives in WA lol.

Be there for him, don't push him to open if he's really had bouts with depression like I did in my past, it can be a very dark and very scary place you don't want to know about anyway... Think of it like Dexter... "My dark passenger" sums it up rather nicely.

[Summer123]

I also read in my magazine that couples tend to break up more in the winter time cause of lack of sun, warmth which makes them more depressed and its so weird cause that is what is going on. We live in NY so its cold and gloomy here now. I won't press him for answers then, ill just be there for him..but i cant help but wonder if some of the thoughts he has are about me..and if they are negative thoughts.

[TheWizard]

..but i cant help but wonder if some of the thoughts he has are about me..and if they are negative thoughts.

If they are it's all in his head. Examples would be "I'm not good enough for her" or "she's only putting up with me for now" kind of stuff. Just be there to support him and maybe do some surprise hugs from behind or something to liven it up, that should help dispel any negative or depressive thoughts that are completely unfounded if he is even having them.

There is no way to tell what he is thinking, and while it's normal to be concerned just do little things out of the ordinary to show him you care and at least you can be a bit more at ease about the worries that he's having negative thoughts about you.

That's what I would want my girl to do if I was in a funk and was thinking about her in that sort of context. Do a little chasing and flirting with me etc.

[Carmen]

The best is to leave him alone, I mean, be there for him but don't keep asking him what's up. Don't ask him how he feels about you...let him go through this and cheer him up whenever possible. The only thing you do by asking about it is remind him that maybe there's a problem. Being confused sometimes is normal, it'll go away and he'll be back to normal unless you make it a big deal and stress him out more. Like I said, try cheering him up when possible but also give him some space so he can clarify things in his head without having to worry about what you're thinking/feeling. It's probably enough dealing with himself right now and it will only add stress/confusion if you make it obvious that youre concerned

[kms]

Don't take it personally - it's something that he has to deal with and it comes from his own issues and not from you. Just be supportive, be postive, be cheerful, show him that you care and appreciate him... his self esteem might be pretty low right now too, so make sure you verbalize your appreciation for him and what you like about him. Also, as someone else said, continually encourage him to see a counselor.

I've spent a large part of my life living in depression without knowing WHY I was depressed... and only through a great deal of self analysis, difficult experiences, and some counseling have I been able to get to the root of it. Some of it is inherited too - my mom had a terrible, abusive childhood and has clinical depression along with PTSD from the trauma she suffered. Children usually tend to get whatever mental illnesses their parents have through learning their parents' maladaptive behavior and coping mechanisms when they are young. So, especially since he isn't sure why he's feeling down, I'm wondering what the situation might be with his parents (or if anything happened him when he was a child, etc.). Anyway, a therapist would be able to help him dig through all of this and figure out where this is all stemming from. Understanding and identifying the causes of our issues is more than half the battle.