She's Been Gone Two Months

[ChristianonLI]

And I feel just as bad as I did the night she left. I failed miserably at no contact and just pushed her away more to the point she stopped replying to any texts or IMs that I sent her. She's pulled all her Facebook photos and albums of us. She's removed her relationship status of Married from there as well as restricted me from posting on her wall or seeing certain information. Any day now I'll be getting divorce papers in the mail and considering my entire lack of funds and her unwillingness for counseling I will have no choice but to sign them and let go of her once and for all.

And she's out, having fun, living the good life, free of me. Her good friend has even basically said, "She never cared about you more than her family and she never actually did anything for you, do you really want someone like that in your life?"

YES! I do. I love her. I am IN love with her. As much now as the first day I felt it. My feelings have not waned. And she MARRIED ME. In JULY! How the Hell did she just fall out of love with me in a few months? I don't understand! Yes, I screwed some things up. I was insensitive and ignorant of her feelings. I made a baseless accusation off crappy evidence. But WHY did she want out of my life so quickly and so completely?

I still cry every day. I've given up on trying to talk to her because it really is over and there is nothing I can do. I dug out an old photo of her from our first vacation together along with this little teddy bear she got me once wearing a shirt that says "You're Special" and I just broke down immediately. I am so absolutely torn up, I want nothing more than to hold her in my arms again and to hear her say "I love you" but she never will again. I don't know how to handle this! I have been entirely overcome with grief for two months. Every day has been a miserable and painful Hell and there is NOTHING I can do to get her back. Life does not feel to be worth living.

And she doesn't care about me. I've left her numerous sobbing voicemails and gotten no response. I have professed my love a thousand times and it means nothing to her. How could a woman who was so madly in love with me and so ecstatic about the impending wedding and married life turn so completely against me? HOW????

I don't know what to do with myself anymore, people. I want to die. I am sick and tired of being told that time heals all wounds and that life will improve and that one day I'll meet someone else. Yea, "one day" is not good enough. I don't want to meet someone else. Not for the rest of my life. I want my wife back, in love with me and at my side the way God intended her to be. I never loved a woman before her. I'd hardly dated at all before meeting her. She is truly special to me and the only woman on Earth that I want to spend my life with and have children with. But she's GONE! FOREVER!

Give me one good reason not to kill myself right now.

[Grobyc82]

Well she probably isn't worth dying over for one.

Shes been gone for two months but is there anyway you can contact her via her family or friends? Even if you can't contact her and if she decides to break it off with you, part of you must accept the fact that she might not come back. Regardless of who is responsible for your current predicament, it's no use beating yourself up and loosing anymore dignity in the process. Eventually when you know for sure what is up with your wife, you must either decide if she is worth your time, or if you need to move on. Give yourself enough time to grieve your loss, but understand that there is a time to move on. And here is the part you dont want to hear...with enough time, you will heal. You feel the pain now, but eventually this will come to pass. You may carry some scars afterwards but hopefully you will be a little wiser in the future. Consider this, you have stated that she is the only one you want to spend your life with, but you havent even touched the surface of how many other women are out there. I hope maybe that I'm wrong and she will come back but realize that you must not depend on this, otherwise you might drag this torture out for a while. Good luck.

[lahnnabell]

How long did you guys date prior to getting married? How was the relationship before you got married?

What exactly caused you to be ignorant of her feelings? Need some more information, please.

[ChristianonLI]

All the details can be found in the thread "Very Long Read: Marriage in Ruins" or some very similar title on this forum. But in short to answer your questions:

We dated 2.5 years before getting married. We never once fought ever. She seemed to be perfectly happy, never had a bad thing to say, never complained. I'd ask what she wanted to do, where to eat, she never cared and would say "whatever you want to do".

We lived together roughly two months before the wedding and she never once complained about any of my habits. Constant video games, smoking, general laziness, she didn't say a word, so after the wedding when she brought all this up at first I was surprised but I obliged her and began making those changes immediately. I didn't think I was being ignorant of her feelings but according to her I was missing her hints and not listening to her complaints.

[Cbrider]

First off, this whole relationship is riddle with red flags and problems to start with.

I'd hardly dated at all before meeting her.

I think you did yourself a huge disservice here. Not dating much before taking such a gigantic step into marriage is going to leave you blind to a lot of small details that work to make the entire relationship go round.

All the details can be found in the thread "Very Long Read: Marriage in Ruins" or some very similar title on this forum. But in short to answer your questions:

We dated 2.5 years before getting married. We never once fought ever. She seemed to be perfectly happy, never had a bad thing to say, never complained. I'd ask what she wanted to do, where to eat, she never cared and would say "whatever you want to do".

We lived together roughly two months before the wedding and she never once complained about any of my habits. Constant video games, smoking, general laziness, she didn't say a word, so after the wedding when she brought all this up at first I was surprised but I obliged her and began making those changes immediately. I didn't think I was being ignorant of her feelings but according to her I was missing her hints and not listening to her complaints.

The first thing that really stood out to me was that you never fought. It may sound strange to hear me say that but think about it. You, as much as you want to think, didn't make ALL the right moves to the point that she found zero faults or problems in the relationship. That's not healthy, it means that she is a submissive personality or possibly manipulative.

The "whatever you want to do" is a classic line that gets thrown out in relationships and from MY experience, has not lead to better things down the road. When a person does that it is unfair to the other party involved. It sets you up to have to make all the decisions, therefore putting you in the position of taking the heat if something goes haywire. A relationship is a 50/50 thing, you can't just sit back and make the other person make the decisions and make the mistakes, that's not going to build a strong relationship.

Just because someone doesn't hound you over bad habits, doesn't mean you should ignore them. You have admitted to having said habits and generally letting yourself do as you please. When the dishes in the sink are dirty, do you leave them around until your partner asks you to take care of them, or do you take the initiative to do them? These are just basic day to day things you should do without being asked. Relationships are work, if you're being lazy and the relationship is still in tact, the other person is doing a LOT more than their share of the work.

There's not enough information to get a good idea about her. I don't know whether this was all your doing like she seems to claim or if she wasn't quiet the person you described or thought she was.

Either way, killing yourself is a choice that you make, but its also the choice of a coward. Life is a gift, it goes up and down like every other thing in nature. Sometimes you hit the lowers harder than others, but does giving up solve anything? Its a selfish choice too, sure it may save you some emotional pain, but it tears apart the lives of the people that care about you.

If you're too afraid to face life, than where do you find the courage to hold a gun to your head? Never give up on yourself and the people that care about you.

[Stratosphere]

I have read your original story on the other link. It would have been nice if she would have told you these issues before the wedding! So she marries you then thinks you are suddenly going to change. That is bad and immature. She knew what you were like before. Now suddenly she wants you to change. This is not a marriage you want to stay in, anyway. She will constantly try to change your ways and mold you into her "Perfect man" and you will always do what she says. Picture this: You are about to level up in WoW and she runs in and yells "Stop, do the dishes, clean the house, etc.. etc..." Is that how you want her to treat you? Come on! You gotta do what you love to do! She has no respect for you obviously. How would SHE like if it you said "Honey you are signing up for WOW and playing with me each night because now we are married and you do what I tell you." Thats pretty much how she is treating you!
Continue with WoW and you may even meet a girl that is just like you online! I have heard of that before! Nothing wrong with loving your hobbies!
Trust us, she is a bad for you and I'm sorry this happened, but there is someone else out there.

[jsulley]

But WHY did she want out of my life so quickly and so completely?

And she doesn't care about me. I've left her numerous sobbing voicemails and gotten no response. I have professed my love a thousand times and it means nothing to her. How could a woman who was so madly in love with me and so ecstatic about the impending wedding and married life turn so completely against me? HOW????

She is truly special to me and the only woman on Earth that I want to spend my life with and have children with. But she's GONE! FOREVER!

ChristianonLI - do you know why she behaved this way towards you ? from your questions "why ?" "how ?", i gather you might not know FOR SURE. you are mostly assuming, guessing and infering from what you see and hear. am i right ?

you may feel that she is "truly special to you", but does she know this is how you feel ?

you said that "you professed love to her 1000 times but it means nothing to her". well, different people are attuned to different forms of expression of love. some people feel love with words, so saying 'i love you' many times makes them feel loved even though these are empty words with no concrete action to back it up. other folks may care more for action showing love, in addition to verbal affirmation. for instance, keeping a promise, being fully present when you are with her, not doing things which suggest that you don't love her, etc. if you profess love but exhibit conflicting behaviour or action which suggests otherwise, she might get confused and wonder if you are true when you said 'i love you'.

you mentioned she had a 360 degree turnaround in her attitude towards you. ask yourself - is it normal ? unless the person is too free, otherwise why go to the length of getting deeply involved with you just to reject you so completely ? it doesn't make sense. something drastic must have happened for her attitude to change so drastically.

instead of sitting in a cybercafe weaving conspiracy theories with strangers who don't even know you or her, it's better to ask her. the direct way is still the best.

[lahnnabell]

for instance, keeping a promise, being fully present when you are with her, not doing things which suggest that you don't love her, etc. if you profess love but exhibit conflicting behaviour or action which suggests otherwise, she might get confused and wonder if you are true when you said 'i love you'.

I agree with this. I enjoy hearing the words "I love you" as much as the next woman, but if it's paired with conflicting behavior then the words don't mean much.

Too many people rely on this three word phrase to explain everything for them. But if my guy were telling me he loves me while simultaneously blatantly checking out another woman, it wouldn't mean much. Actions speak louder than words (yes, it's cliche, but so true).

My boyfriend continuously impresses me by remembering little details I say. Like the names of my friends or others in my life that he hasn't even met.

[cmacattack1]

ChristianonLI - do you know why she behaved this way towards you ? from your questions "why ?" "how ?", i gather you might not know FOR SURE. you are mostly assuming, guessing and infering from what you see and hear. am i right ?

you may feel that she is "truly special to you", but does she know this is how you feel ?

you said that "you professed love to her 1000 times but it means nothing to her". well, different people are attuned to different forms of expression of love. some people feel love with words, so saying 'i love you' many times makes them feel loved even though these are empty words with no concrete action to back it up. other folks may care more for action showing love, in addition to verbal affirmation. for instance, keeping a promise, being fully present when you are with her, not doing things which suggest that you don't love her, etc. if you profess love but exhibit conflicting behaviour or action which suggests otherwise, she might get confused and wonder if you are true when you said 'i love you'.

you mentioned she had a 360 degree turnaround in her attitude towards you. ask yourself - is it normal ? unless the person is too free, otherwise why go to the length of getting deeply involved with you just to reject you so completely ? it doesn't make sense. something drastic must have happened for her attitude to change so drastically.

instead of sitting in a cybercafe weaving conspiracy theories with strangers who don't even know you or her, it's better to ask her. the direct way is still the best.

I don't think asking her right now is a good idea. She isn't going to give you any answers. I don't think you analyzed the situation well enough, because there are some serious red flags in there somewhere, and I think you haven't even tried to look. You just had the floor drop out from under you and it's a shock but you are just caught up in the emotions of it all.

I liked that you mentioned the difference between words and actions. I think for most people it's a combination of both and I realized that even when I told my ex I loved her, my actions of being distant and non-communicating made her think otherwise. When we don't have answers we kind of let our mind wander and possibly assume the worst. Being insecure in who we are certainly doesn't help because that's when we assume the worst.

[jsulley]

our minds tend to think on the negative and imagine the worst where there is grey area and uncertainty.

one should try to understand the REAL (not assumed) cause of what happened, reconcile with it and make amends. otherwise it will be imprinted in the subconcious and come out in the future like a reflex reaction when met with a SEEMINGLY similar situation. that's how the past is being projected to the present, if one is not careful and self-aware. also, to ensure you don't repeat a mistake.

the way we think and act is part of our conditioning, which is in turn formed through experience and how we perceive the experience.

[cmacattack1]

Alot of relationships never get the answers they need, or the people in the relationship just chalk it up as "oh it didn't work out, they aren't the right one" instead of taking responsibilities for their actions. I made the same mistakes in two relationships in a row and after the second girl gave me the heave ho for my bullshit, and I really cared about her, I did some serious self analysis and have become alot more aware. I still haven't gotten all the answers from her because she was very confused and gave me alot of mixed messages but I've learned alot being on the dumped end. While the dumper enjoys the feeling of power and the "I was right they were wrong" energy and more then likely will make the same mistakes in the future.

[cmacattack1]

Also what happened to Christian? I hope he didn't....do the unthinkable.

[ChristianonLI]

I'm still here and doing much better. She sent me annulment papers claiming I defrauded her by lying about wanting children, which was a bold faced lie. She's ignored all calls, IMs and texts but has had no problem using her Facebook statuses to outright taunt me. Yesterday morning I flipped out and called her out on her statuses on her wall, she deleted them, so I wrote up a huge tirade on my wall about her which she and her friends saw (that was the whole point) and then she accused me of cheating on her on November 7th! LOL. Going back on my facebook I saw I made a status saying I had a date (keep in mind she left me on October 18th) which wasn't true, it was a lie intended to make her jealous. Yes, lying is bad, I know.

At that point she made more statuses, replied with a few comments on her wall saying more ridiculous BS at which I left her a nasty voicemail, signed the papers and unfriended her. A few hours later her good friend, who was the one that hooked us up initially, tried to confront me in Facebook IM about what I wrote on my wall because I specifically named her in a few things and about her lack of wanting to help. Then I told her off about how all my wife's friends and family never once tried to help, which they didn't. My wife said she wasn't happy and they all backed her 100% instead of trying to at least find out what it was that made her unhappy and fix it for the sake of the marriage. They just let her do what she wanted without playing devil's advocate at all. Then I unfriended her friend and went on my merry way.

I'm done with this psycho b*tch. I'm pissed off, I'm miserable, I'm lonely, but I don't want her back and I no longer want to put a gun to my head.

Edit: Oh, and my wife finally admitted she walked out. She left. She didn't get "kicked out" as she so childishly held onto for two months. She showed me she knew all along I didn't mean to make her feel kicked out or that I wanted her gone and she was using that as a convenient excuse to run home to mommy because marriage turned out to not be a fairytale straight out of a Disney story.

[tooxshort]

That's comforting. Looks like she wasn't the golden person you thought she was after all.

btw - I'm late. I skimmed through some old posts and skipped to the ending.

[cmacattack1]

Do whatever makes you feel better. I think it was kind of childish personally to make a big spectacle out of it. You were doing things just to get a reaction out of her and mutual friends. Was it really worth it?

There is some serious lessons here, please do not be ignorant to them because you will make the same mistakes in the future.