Dealing with the past - More than complicated

[brutus3306]

Okay, this is my first post on this forum. Totally new. Here i go!

First, I should probably give some background on our relationship. I have been dating this girl for a little over 2 years now. However, we've known each other for 6. We are both 22 now and met when we were in High School, 10th grade. I should note that she is amazing in many ways. She is compassionate, caring, nurturing, funny, smart, not to mention drop dead gorgeous. I really love this girl. We have planned on getting married and as of now, we're planning on moving out this summer, probably July or August.

I wish our story was just that simple sometimes.

As I said before, we met in 10th grade. We liked each other right away. She was crazy about me. I had never been in a serious relationship at that point and the feeling of someone being that crazy about me was very unfamiliar to me. I kind of ran from it. I acted like a punk to be honest. There were really strong feelings there. Always. But I never acted on them. I told her how I felt, but every time I would get close to her, I would find some reason to get away. At that point, I had never really kissed a girl (I know, I'm a dork) and I didn't want to make that move on her because I was scared it might change how she felt. We were supposed to hang out on Valentines Day that year, but I never called her. That was the last straw for her. She decided to get away. Originally, the plan was to make me jealous with the next guy. However, when I decided that I wanted to have her back, she just couldn't make herself come back. She ended up staying with that guy for 2 1/2 years.

We talked a lot over that 2 1/2 year period. We stayed in touch. We always seemed to be talking about "us." Not always, but most of the time. I remember she said some things about how mad she was at her mom for not letting her stay out later with him, then there was her saying they would move out together when she turned 18. She even went as far as to tell me about a pregnancy scare. That hurt a lot. She always complained about him to me. That was weird, but it was my only way of talking to her. I dated around during that time. I really wanted to forget about her, but I just couldn't.

The guy was a total idiot. He was the prime example of the word "prick." He didn't treat her right. He yelled at her a lot. He was very controlling. Seemed not to try very hard for her. They didn't have much in common. He was tattooed, worked on cars, did street racing, did illegal graffiti, and was about 2 years older at the time. He was very immature. Not a "future" guy type for her for sure, but the typical guy that immature, high school girls would want to chase. She lost her virginity to him, and basically had all of her "firsts" with him.

They broke up right when she started college. It was a pretty ugly breakup for them. Not to soon after, she went on a dating rampage. She dated about 7 guys in the period of a month. A surprise for her. When we talked for the first time in a while, it was amazing that she actually stopped dating the other guys. We went out. We hung out quite a bit, and eventually she became my girlfriend. I probably pushed things a little too fast, but I felt like I had to make up for lost time. I had so many things I wanted to say to her and so many moves I wanted to make. I knew it wasn't the "right" time, but I just didn't know how much time I had. I knew she had feelings for me then. I knew she was crazy about me, but I knew she couldn't act on it. I didn't quite know why. I later found out.

That was November of 2006 when that happened. In May of 2006, just one night after our high school graduation, she was raped by another guy we graduated with. I knew him and actually played basketball with him in high school. I had no idea until after we broke up in late 06. And I wasn't totally sure what happened until she further explained it when we were together. She cites this as her reason for her lack of trust in guys, even me at the time. She said she needed to date someone who she knew wasn't serious. And that she did, another 7 months with a different guy.

Over the time she was with him, we didn't talk at all for the first few months they were together. I saw her in April and things got weird. I had to drive her home because she got too drunk at a little gathering we both happened to attend. She told me I was the only one there she trusted. That night, she also told me that I was her "first love" and that no one could ever change that. I loved hearing that, but it hurt at the same time because she was with another guy. We talked quite often for the next few months. She promised we would be together one day. We are!

She came to my house for the 4th of July and hung out. I kissed her when she left. She told me she had broken up with her boyfriend, but the truth was that she hadn't yet. A few days later, she did. She dumped him to go back out with me. Not right way. We were off and on for a bit. I didn't talk to her for a while. And then we'd talk for a week straight. We always talked about being together. We had a lot of the same friends. We'd run into each other a lot. Sometimes we acted like we were just friends and other times it was like we were dating. We'd kiss sometimes and other times it was just awkward goodbyes. This went on for a little while. Like I said, we would sometimes go a few days without even talking. I went on a couple dates with other girls over that summer, too. Personally, I wasn't optimistic about us being together. I just figured she wanted to be single even though I knew she had feelings for me.

In mid to late August, we went on a couple of dates, making my intentions with her clear. Hers seemed to become clear as well. We went on a few more dates and things started to pick up a bit. Things were still kind of weird. She wasn't like herself. She picked up smoking, she was hanging out in bars, wearing really revealing clothes, EXTREMELY low cut shirts, etc. She was getting drunk all the time (something she had been an advocate against in the past).

We started "officially dating" in November. Again, I could tell she was a little hesitant to be close to anyone, I didn't totally understand why at the time, but I do now.

In February, I got a new car. She went with me to get it. We went out with my family for dinner. She went home early to work on a paper, or so I thought. She told me the next day that she went to see her friend because she and her boyfriend had just been in a really big fight. It was odd, but I trusted her. Things got a little more strange over the weekend. We left a Super Bowl Party early because she was acting weird. I dropped her off at her house. After a huge fight on Sunday night, she ended up telling me on Monday morning that she didn't see her friend on Friday, but that she hung out with her ex boyfriend (the one from high school). I was devastated. He apologized to her for the way he was, and she went to see him that night. They hung out in a pool hall and then sat and talked in his car until 6am. Weird, right? She told me later that she thought he was a part of her past before she was raped. She said she wanted to get the "old me" (her) back and that he seemed like a way to do that.

Things got better after that, actually. She became a lot more dedicated to me and seemed to trust me a lot more. However, I felt like I couldn't trust her. I even thought that she may have cheated that night. However, I drilled her a few times on it and her story has always stayed the same so I believe that she didn't.

This past April (09), she started staying with me at my dad's house on a regular basis. We shared a very small room. VERY SMALL!! We fought a lot. Around that same time, she got a very vulgar voicemail. She assumed it to be the high school ex. A couple weeks after, she confronted him about it. Behind my back. Then she proceeded to text him for a 4 day period. She originally told me that she only texted him for 1 day and 5 or 6 texts back and forth. I had to check her phone records to find out. I had access because I was checking them regularly to find out who sent the voicemail.

That wasn't the biggest news at the time. She revealed that she hung out with him a couple times at the bar she frequented during the summer when we were sort of off and on. She said that one night she got really drunk and they had sex. She said she has no memory of it. So she said she wasnt 100% sure it even happened. It was never spoken of again between her and her ex. She was trying to be friends with all of her exes at the time and it seems that this one didnt turn out in her favor. He drove her home that night because she was too drunk. He took her to his house and I guess it happened then. As I am typing this, I feel a sense of worthlessness.

Like I said before, she was going through a rough time, doing things that werent like her. She went crazy. She smoked. She drank heavily 3-4 times a week. She hung out in bars. Wore slutty clothing. Etc. She says she was going crazy with dealing with being raped. I guess I get that.

She has changed so much since then. She is a great girlfriend. But it's hard for me to judge her on just what she is now. Those few things seem to cloud my judgement all the time. She used to talk about him all the time too. She doesnt do that anymore.

I find myself comparing myself to him all the time. I wonder if he was better in bed than I am. Was he a better boyfriend? Things of that nature. Had she already done this certain act (sexual or not) with him? Those things clouded my thoughts a lot and still seem to do so from time to time.

I love this girl.

I'm not perfect. We've both had 2 partners in our past. However, mine were both "one timers". Hers were both relationships. I was always intimidated by her sexual experience. Feeling that I wasnt good enough, but now I know that I am. We have amazing sex! She puts a lot into our sexual relationship! Something that shows me that she trusts me, enjoys our sex life, and really wants to be a good gal for me.

The hardest part is disassociating her past from who she is now. When I think about what has already happened, I get sick to my stomach. I hate the feeling. Is it my immaturity that keeps me from moving on? Should I stay with her? How do I handle this? Is it possible that all of those things she did could be attributed to her being raped?

Things have been great with us lately, but these thoughts seem to creep in my head far too often

I know that was a lot to read, but I really just wanted to get it all out there. I feel better for having sorted my thoughts out a bit. Now I just need some advice for what to do with those thoughts. Any ideas or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I really love this girl and I want to make it work. I want to view her for who she is now, not what she did before this current relationship started.

Thanks

[girl68]

Maybe you both need some sort of therpy? Has she had counselling to deal with her rape?

[brutus3306]

She hasn't had counseling and doesn't really have the money to pay for it. We are both still in college with no jobs. Her parents pay for her college and basically everything else. She never told them. So she would have no way of paying for it until she graduated. She will graduate before I do so I can't pay for it either.

We've talked about that as an option, but it just isn't feasible at the moment. Thanks for the advice though.

[brutus3306]

I also want to add something that I probably should have mentioned before, she was okay with me putting this on here so that we could possibly get some suggestions for me. It's not her that really has the issues anymore. It seems to be me not being able to disassociate the person she is now from the things she did before we got together.

We both really love each other and are planning to get married. We're very happy together, but I want to be able to love her to the best of my ability. I don't feel like I'm doing that at the moment.

[mrtdg82]

Worrying about living up to boyfriends past is a sign of low confidence on your part. Try not to dwell on it. The past is the past and as a wise monkey once said 'its in the past, it doesnt matter'.

[Spring Haze]

Read this thread --

[URL]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/37599-unique-situation-need-advice-please-jelous-about-her-exs.html[/URL]

[Glith]

I find myself comparing myself to him all the time. I wonder if he was better in bed than I am. Was he a better boyfriend? Things of that nature. Had she already done this certain act (sexual or not) with him? Those things clouded my thoughts a lot and still seem to do so from time to time.

That^ is all this is all about. Insecurity. It doesn't matter how long you've had a thing for each other, how long you've been together, what's happened in the past. What matters here, is that you're threatened by the thought of her ex.

Well, welcome to the club. We've all been there. There does come a point though, when you eventually realise 'I'm not her ex, and maybe there ARE some ways I don't measure up to him because I'm not perfect, however...she's chosen me over him, so in comparison to him, my strengths outweigh any weaknesses i may have'.

Imagine for a moment that she's done every sexual thing humanly possible, she loved it, her ex's were the greatest lovers in the history of mankind.
Well, congratulations, all those things she's done, with the most amazing guys, and yet she's chosen YOU to be the one she wants to do them with from now on.

Good on ye mate