She broke up because she is confused. But I want her

[sotnasa]

I been dating her for a year and five months. We were fiends before that and neither she or I were anyone's type. I got to know her when one of my friends played, had sex and then ignored her. After 3 months of talking, we developed some kinda of attraction and close to Xmas we started dating. She grew very attached to me and since we were on the same college we spent A LOT of time together.

At first I thought things were moving in too fast but for her it was a perfect pace. After 7 months I told her I loved her, she cried when she heard those words and said back to me. I did everything possible to please her and she did the same. She often was scared and complained about how perfect this relationship was even tho we had are differences and fights. After one year and a month together she wanted to move in together. I found that idea to be perfect and we started to made plans for that. She often talked about her future and I was always included in her plans. She even talked to her friends about me and her plans for the future. The last time I saw her we had what I call a perfect day. I made her favorite dinner and we had a movie afterwords, but it was one of those days that you cant stop kissing and appreciating each other more then the usual. She even cried because the guy on the movie that died reminded her of me and she didn't want me to die or leave and that was the last time I saw her.

However 3 days after that she started to act very distant and dropped the bomb on me. She wanted to break up because she was confused. Later on she told me that she went to a party, met this guy and asked him to sleep on the same bed as her because she felt bad due the reason he was sleeping on the floor. He kissed her on the cheek with what she calls it "a stranger passion" and she liked and wanted to make out with him very badly. Now she doesn't know what she wants. She miss the feeling of being single and hitting on other guys. Up until then I understood. But even tho she wants to be single she still wants me in her life. Apparently she still loves me very much. Almost two weeks has passed and she haven't got me a decision. She still text me how much she loves me but she cant tell me what she wants. I am very confused because this relationship went from good to bad extremely quick. I also dont know how to take this. I never did this much for a person before and I want her back. However even if she wants me back I wouldnt know how to take her back.

ps: English is a little bad because I am from spain and been speaking english for only three years.

[Carmen]

Sorry you're going through this. The incident with the "stranger" got her all confused because she liked it and is probably thinking: "why did I like this if I love my boyfriend? is there something missing that I don't know about? what will happen to our relationship if I meet someone else that makes me feel special? will I end up messing everything up?"

The only way she can answer these questions is if you let her find out on her own. Maybe if you step back a little and tell her you're there if she wants to be with you but that she needs to figure things out on her own and you don't wanna be dragged along. She's not able to realize you're better than just a hook up with some random guy because you're still there...she needs to lose you to be able to miss you and appreciate you. She probably will come back to you if you step back and let her miss you a little.

I know it will be hard taking her back but if you want it to work you'll have to be very patient and understanding. You can't blame her for this and that. You can't say "how can you do this to me?" I know it's hard to believe someone who "loves" you can go out there and do stuff like this but it happens. It doesn't mean she doesnt love you...she's just confused and scared and needs time to realize things on her own. You'll have to have a lot of love and patience if you expect this to work but I think it can if the love was real.
Buena suerte!

[kai]

Hmmm.. Let her go.. stop talking to her. Don't be doormat. I'm serious, don't reply to her texts, FB messages.. anything.. NO CONTACT

It's hard, I know, but it's worth the effort. If she comes back without doing anything which can qualify as cheating then cool otherwise you have already trained yourself to move on.

Chances are that she'll try to get you back but after sleeping with some guy.

[sotnasa]

Hmmm.. Let her go.. stop talking to her. Don't be doormat. I'm serious, don't reply to her texts, FB messages.. anything.. NO CONTACT

It's hard, I know, but it's worth the effort. If she comes back without doing anything which can qualify as cheating then cool otherwise you have already trained yourself to move on.

Chances are that she'll try to get you back but after sleeping with some guy.

Knowing the way I know her, I get a feeling that she might do that. However its very hard for me to just stop thinking about her since I spend most of my time with her. Any advice on how to keep her out of my mind? Since I was a kid I always played the guitar to help me get better in situation but this time it is making it worse.

[kai]

First, don't spend time with her. Cut any form of contact. That's the most important and toughest part.

After you do this, keep yourself busy. Do you workout? If no, then go and join a gym. Get in a better shape. Learn new stuff. Hang out with your buddies. Do something that you always wanted to do. Have FUN!

If you will keep on thinking about her and try to contact her, it'll make you look like a loser in her eyes. We don't want that. You should never let your self respect go.

If you'll be ok and have fun then she'll get upset and will try to get you back. Reverse psychology.

Just don't contact her.

[sotnasa]

First, don't spend time with her. Cut any form of contact. That's the most important and toughest part.

After you do this, keep yourself busy. Do you workout? If no, then go and join a gym. Get in a better shape. Learn new stuff. Hang out with your buddies. Do something that you always wanted to do. Have FUN!

If you will keep on thinking about her and try to contact her, it'll make you look like a loser in her eyes. We don't want that. You should never let your self respect go.

If you'll be ok and have fun then she'll get upset and will try to get you back. Reverse psychology.

Just don't contact her.

Yeah I do work out, but I know exactly what to do to keep myself busy. Thx for all the advice. Ill keep you guys posted.

[sotnasa]

So the NC is pretty hard. All I want to hear from her is an answer, at least that way I can move on. But waiting for an answer is killing me. Even tho I know the answer she will say. But I feel for me to move on I need to hear the words coming out of her mouth. I been keeping myself busy today. But that helped only a little.

[cmacattack1]

I have to disagree with Carmen in that you should tell her you'll be there, but take a step back. Doesn't the words not match the actions? It doesn't make sense. Don't give them the option of getting back together, if that is what she wants, then she has to live with the consequences of that.

It sounds like you guys are very confused about how you feel and you have to look at the actions you have done as well. You felt she was going too fast but then you tell her you love her and spend all your time with her? I know you want to be that great boyfriend and do all the good things like the perfect dinner and perfect dates and all this great stuff, but if you don't feel the same way as she does, you shouldn't be doing that because you can't keep that up forever. I just found that to be a bit contradictive.

But yeah, they are right in that you need to break off contact completely with her, even though you care and want to be there for her. Why do you think the decision hasn't happened when you guys are still talking about it and acting like you are together? Aren't you a little angry that she gave into another guy's advances and found it "passionate" and "attractive"? Is this relief for you as maybe it was getting more serious than you wanted because otherwise you'd be pissed about it.

You need to be on your own and be brutally honest with yourself about what you and her are both doing. It helps to do things that make you happy but you want to have a serious understanding about everything so that you can really grow and learn from this as a person. If she wants to talk in the future, which she will, you will also have some wisdom to impart to her. But as I say in all my posts, you don't need her to be happy. You care about her, you think about her and that will not go away anytime soon. But you don't need her. You want her in your life to make you more happy, and how can she when she is confused. This is what she wants, you cannot meddle. Focus your energy into postive results: gym, schoolwork, friends, all of that. You will be a better person in the end.

[sotnasa]

Yes I felt more than angry, Im still angry. After all we went through in a year and half she just gave in into a stranger that has done nothing to her except give her the feeling of something new, that truly piss me off. Since I been with her I never doubted if I wanted to be with her because that's what I wanted and the feeling of freedom or being single never matched how I feel about her. About the moving in too fast I thought that in the beginning but then things went on the pace that I wanted. I did dinner and other stuff because I wanted and I liked doing that. It makes me feel good and I also know that she would like that.

What you said about I not needing her. I also understand about that because for 24 years I been happy without her. Yes do I want her in my life to make me more happy and I love her. Now even if she comes back how do I know that she wont do that again?

The answer to get through all of this is simple but so hard to make it happen.

[lahnnabell]

She's young yet and probably very inexperienced. Young and inexperienced women are very easily lead astray by any male who expresses an attraction to them. It's not necessarily in her nature as a person to hurt you or anyone, but she probably has no idea what the hell she is doing. Hence all this "confusion".

I do agree with cmac as well. You mentioned things were going too fast for you, but that you initiated "I love you". I found this to be quite contradictory as well. You are right that she may do this again. I'm sure she's lonely and she feels bad for hurting you, but those aren't sufficient reasons to get back/stay together. She has to want the relationship because she wants YOU in her life.

Relationships without trust fail. Too many people drag it all out in the attempt to see if things will get better, but unless both parties are actively working toward improving the situation, it doesn't work. I don't think this chick is ready for that work. Are you?

[sotnasa]

Up until this little incident I thought she were, now I am stating to see that she is not.

[kai]

It'll take time, my friend. Have patience and you'll do fine.

[sotnasa]

I been doing the NC for 2 day. Yesterday she FB , texted and called me 3 times. I didn't answer her as everyone advised me. However she left me a voice mail that got me angry. Basically she talked as if we still were in a relationship. Asked how my day was, that she missed me and how her bed was cold without me. Then she finished with a "I am sorry for me wanting to have that new feeling of meeting a new guy. I am still young and I want to enjoy this before I get to old. But I still want you and I love you very much"

I don't know what to think.

[SamFrmMelbourne]

It is apparent she has not realised what she has done is hurting you and she still expects you to come back to her. She has to make a decision and live with the consequences. Either she stops wanting to meet new guys and commits herself to you OR she can go on wanting to meet new guys and lose you. Don't let her have both! She has to learn that everything in this world has a price.

[sotnasa]

I guess she is moving on. She jus deleted all the pics with me on FB and then deleted me of her friends list.