Am I Overanalyzing This New Woman?

[ChristianonLI]

Ok so, I'm going to provide as much detailed information as possible as I am having trouble gauging if this woman I've recently met is in fact interested in me or not.

I met a girl on Eharmony about two weeks ago. We started chatting over AIM, she's real nice but she's very up front and honest. Almost disturbingly so. I barely know her but she's already told me about her seven year relationship with a guy she still has feelings for but he doesn't want her back and how she joined eharmony (and other sites) to convince herself life can go on without this guy. She's told me about her significantly screwed up family life growing up and, after knowing her maybe 2-3 days, told me how her single most important goal in life was to fall in love with a good man and that she didn't care about needing a good job or a house of her own or any of the typical material concerns that are in fact vital to survival in modern day America. Coincidentally, this is a sentiment I had always believed in for myself, but that is not necessarily relevant to the story. She also told me how she has a lot of guy friends who like her and buy her free drinks but she doesn't want to date them but takes the drinks anyway and then feels guilty afterward. This raised a red flag in me, for the record.

So on the first night of chatting I asked her if she would be interested in going out for some coffee, but she said she was tired and it was late. No problem. At some point that first night chatting she said she'd be right back to chat more and never sent me another IM. The next day she IMed me to apologize and said "I hope you're not mad at me." A little strange that she would care if this stranger was angry or not.

So we chatted for a few days more in IM and on the phone. We talked about all sorts of things but a few times she would briefly touch upon her insanely dysfunctional seven year relationship and bring up the guy's name but it didn't necessarily feel obsessive. And each day I would casually inquire once if she wanted to get together and at first she would say "sure" but then something would come up. And each evening, she would mysteriously go AFK and never return to the conversation, yet the following morning she would IM me to say good morning, almost as if it were the first thing she did upon waking up.

Eventually we scheduled a date, day; time and location was set and she wasn't flaking on me. We'd either chatted in IM or on the phone every day now for a week. An hour before the scheduled date she IMed me to let me know she "might" be a bit late. That's cool, no problem.

I get to the restaurant, this nice sushi place near my house, and I wait. And I wait. And I wait some more. After about 50 minutes of waiting I called her house and got no answer. Five minutes later she called to let me know she was on her way and she eventually showed up a grand total of one hour and 20 minutes late.

So we finally meet in the parking lot, she gives me a hug and a seemingly weak reason for being late that made no sense to me but we went inside and ate anyway. Conversation went very smoothly, she laughed at my jokes and overall she was as nice in person as she was on the phone. She did briefly again bring up that guy she broke up with but it never dominated the conversation. When the check came she didn't make any move to get up so we hung around and talked for some time more and it seemed to go well. I tried to pay attention to body language as much as possible and I cannot recall having seen anything negative (averted gaze, arms crossed, etc).

So finally when we did get up to leave it felt like she was in a slight hurry to go as she was out the door before I got a chance to hold it for her. Outside she said she had a great time and we should do this again, gave me a hug and said she was going to meet up with some friends. I suggested we hang around and have a cigarette as we're both smokers. So we sit in her car for maybe another half hour, she shows me some pictures off her camera of friends (and that guy) and we chat some more. I toss a well timed "you've got a great smile" at some point in the middle of it all. Eventually though we agreed it was time to part, she got out and gave me another hug, said she'd talk to me online and that we should do this again and I agreed. As I'm getting in my car it felt like she pulled out of the parking lot a little too fast, but that could just be how she drives.

So the following day I send her an IM to chat but the conversation is extremely brief and I don't hear from her the rest of the day or night and not in the morning after either. We chat again later in the day for maybe 5 minutes but she doesn't seem interested in chatting and again, gone for the day and evening and no IM in the morning to say hi. I began to suspect she didn't have a good time and was trying to casually avoid me without outright saying she wasn't interested.

And then Monday she IMs me to say good morning. And again Tuesday. Later that day I asked her for a 2nd date and she agreed upon which later in the day we scheduled the when and where. Today again, Wednesday, she IMed me to say good morning, we chatted for a bit and that was it. And tomorrow is the 2nd date. But she hasn't yet wanted to talk again on the phone.

So yea, based off all this, am I overanalyzing? I really do like this girl, she's very nice and I could see us getting along as a couple, we seem to really have a lot of intrinsic elements of our personalities in common but I don't want to blow it. I'm not attempting to contact too much by any means but my brain has me worried she's trying to rope me into the friend zone while at the same time my brain says "how can she rope you into the friend zone if you're not even her friend yet?" Which makes sense.

So yea, to any women out there, your thoughts? Am I just insane for looking too deeply into this after just one date?

[Wiredbomb0]

I'd just have to that to me it seems you were really precise about the details you provided. The only thing that I could think of that she could be a little nervous to be coming out of a seven year relationship and so she has her guard fully up. As a side note, and if I was you, i'd want to find out why she was 1 hour and 20 minutes late, because as you said her excuse was weak, and that doesn't really seem fair to you.

[ChristianonLI]

Basically, every day she drives her friend Anthony (not the ex) to work and picks him up. Previously she had told me he's almost never ready on time to leave when she arrives to get him, but the night of the date her only reason for being late was that she'd stopped over a friend's house and they had been drinking. That was all she said....

[lahnnabell]

Hm... Either way, late for a first date isn't cool in my eyes. Sounds like she wasn't crazy excited about it, but perhaps she was nervous.

I'd be wary about her ongoing feelings for her ex. You don't know this girl well enough to determine whether not she'd bail if her ex somehow entered her life again. (We get a lot of people on here pouring their hearts out over their GF/BF leaving them for an ex). I wouldn't invest too much in this. She was pretty up front about her feelings for her ex. If she's using the dating site to help propel her to move on, she's in rebound mode whether she knows it or not.

[ChristianonLI]

I failed to mention one crucial thing. On the day of the first date when we were chatting she asked if I was nervous, and I replied jokingly, "Why, are you?" And her only reply was, "Eh."

Anything to be found in that? The fact she asked at all tells me she was nervous, which in fact could be a good thing. And I guess if she wasn't interested she'd not have agreed to a 2nd date, no?

[lahnnabell]

Keep in mind, she is on the rebound. She's not over her ex, which she explicitly stated. She may think that dating and finding someone new is the cure-all, but she really should be spending more time healing. Does this mean she can't date? Of course not, but she needs to be honest with herself and the people she gets involved with about where she's at right now.

She revealed a lot of information about herself in a short period of time which makes me feel that she's forcing this attraction. She wants to be kept busy so that she doesn't focus on her ex. That was the whole reason she joined the site in the first place.

You are reading into this a lot. Looking at every nuance and gesture. What about this woman is so appealing? She sounds like she has more baggage than anyone should want. She may very well like you, but I'm pretty sure she's just looking for a distraction at this time. I was in her place last year right after my ex and I split.

[ChristianonLI]

She's a nice girl. I'm not looking for a new wife, just someone to spend some time with and get to know. I'm being careful not to get too attached, I'm recently out of a marriage that fell apart after just 3 months. It was quite devastating and I'm not totally over it myself. Some may remember it from the Broken Hearts section a few months ago, I made a long write up about it.

[lahnnabell]

Well, do what you want then, man. You're getting awfully wrapped up in this for wanting no more than a casual attachment. But now that you mention your own relationship troubles, it seems that you are also rebounding. I'm sure you're excited about the prospect of this woman being a match for you, but don't put all your eggs in one basket. You both seem desperate to make some sort of lightning connection (her by revealing her life story in less than a week and you by trying to decipher her every move). Take it as it comes. If this does not work out, there will be someone else.

[ChristianonLI]

Yea, I'm taking it in stride. Certainly not freaking out. But at the same time, I wanted some outside opinion. So here I am

[lhn]

hey christian,

Wondered what had happened to you. Glad to hear you're spreading your wings a bit after the breakdown of your marriage. I remember your original posts vividly and ofcourse, some similarities in my own situation.

Well, I think it's important to stop analysing quite so much. Go more on gut-instinct. You might be on the rebound to a certain degree and you have probably spent the last few months analysing your last relationship extensively. You need to make sure you don't ruin something new by carrying that over to this one.

After saying all that... 1hr 20mins later... I think you did well to wait around that long.

Follow your gut...

[ChristianonLI]

Yea my gut never leads me in the right direction. After all, look what my gut feelings did to my marriage, Ihn. I accused a woman who loved me of cheating when all those signs I saw actually meant she was falling out of love and unsure of what to do about it and I didn't see it at all. I said "I love you" and then didn't back it up with actions to support those words and even though I truly felt it, and to some extent still do, she'll never come back to me and moving on is the only sane, rational option.

She sent me annulment papers a few weeks ago actually claiming I defrauded her by promising children and then reneging. And you know what, as much as a bold faced lie as that is, I had no choice but to sign them. And if she wanted back tomorrow, no matter how much of a horrible, nasty b*tch she was to me for two months, I'd take her back. Not because I'm a p*ssy or lack self confidence, but because I keep my word no matter what. I promised her I would stick by her until the day I died and she promised me the same. It's a shame she couldn't keep that promise but if the opportunity ever arose I would still honor it.

But back on topic, this new girl is absolutely bat sh*t insane. She's very nice, caring and has a good heart but at the same time she's totally off her rocker and I could only see a long term relationship with her developing into lots of drama unless she got her head screwed on and held true to her claims that she just wants to find someone to settle down with, start a family and live a normal life. We'll see what happens. I like her and I think her and I could have lots of fun together (especially in the bedroom).

But is it love? LOL no. If her and I did start to date though I wouldn't be surprised if she came out with that word to me very early on, it's happened every time before. It happened with my now ex-wife (technically never-wife since the marriage was annulled) but instead of running for the hills I loved her right back. A damn shame though my feelings stayed genuine and her's faded. I still feel horribly cheated from that whole mess.

But on the bright side, I still have the power to ruin her week. I sent her a facebook message the other day and the following day her status said something like "Isn't it amazing how some people have the ability to say exactly what's needed to F*** up my whole week? THANK YOU!!!"

LOL. I might make more messages like that a habit just to punish her.

[lionwoman]

This sounds like a whole lot of unnecessary drama to me. She talks about her ex incessantly and she expects you to sit there and listen to that when all you want to do is get to know her and have her get to know you. I suggest moving on. Find someone who is single AND EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE!!!!