So Alone

[slimla]

Hello Everyone,

I will jump into it....I'm 35. I workout 6 days a week. I dress nicely but never dress like I'm trying to impress. I have all my teeth, nice head of hair, and everything is where its suppose to be. I would consider myself a good looking guy with a fun personality. I would believe that I have a SOLID grasp on the dating do's and do nots.

I am writing because I am alone. Of the last 10 girls I have met/had interest/asked out etc I have been rejected 10 times. The girls that are interested in me I am not interested in or attracted to.

Recent girls that have rejected me

1. met a girl on a photo shoot and she had asked me if I liked to play sports and what sports I played. She told me she was looking for an activity partner and I told her that we should play tennis sometime as thats what she had asked me if I liked to play. She said absolutely, at the end of the shoot I asked her for her number and we exchanged. 2 days later I called her and talked briefly. I said that I'm free on a day and we should go play tennis. She said YES! and that she would call me later that night to confirm......I never got a call and I texted her the next day to see if we were still on. got a text that she couldnt make it but maybe some other time...... I deleted her number after that lame text

2. I told my female friend that i thought her roommate was cute. a month later I get a call from my friend saying I should call her roommate and here was her number. I called the next day and we talked and I said I'm going to get a coffee and would she like to join. She came with me and we talked and it felt natural. A week later she invited me over for dinner and I came with drinks and we talked and it was again normal to me the conversation etc.
I called her a couple days later to see if she wanted to do something and i left a message. she never returned my phone call and the next week I got a text at 2am "are you still up?" i returned the text the next day saying sorry I missed you I was asleep. what are you up to?" and thats the last I heard from her. I deleted her number

3. Met a stunning australian girl through friends. We had agreat time together when we met. I took her to a concert and we went back to her place and yes had amazing sex. She then came over to my place the next week and we had sex again and she told me she just got out of a long term relationship and was only interested in casual. I told her to relax and I wasnt trying to marry her just get to know her no pressure.. well i heard from her the next week and she cancelled on me. Then cancelled on her make up. I deleted her number.

4. girl I met 25 absolutely gorgeous and amazing personality! we hung out. went to sushi spent time together and she told me she was seeing a guy but he didnt want to commit. The next week she started to call him her boyfriend and continued to hang out with me. I found out the guy is 46 years old. (must be loaded or famous I'm assuming). I faded away from her. She gave me not one hint of interest other then friendship

5. met a girl online and we hit it off. even did webcam to see if we liked each other in semi real life. We met and I ended up staying over at her place. The next morning she grabbed me and made out with me. jumped up on me and kissed and hugged me and told me she was actually coming to los angeles that day (she lives in vegas) and that she wanted to stay with me. She told me she was going to call me when she got on the road and well i never got that call. I never got anything. I emailed her and asked if she was still alive. I just got this email saying yes hope you are well. sorry had a change in heart...... yes i deleted her number too...

6. you know what I'm going to stop here. I have about 20 odd similar stories to this...... Always the same pattern......


I make sure I am not a people pleaser. I'm not conforming. I dont ask where the girl wants to go or do. I tell her that I'm going to do something and if she wants to join. I dont use food as a lure. I dont make her feel like I'm trying to date her. I never bring flowers or layer the girl with compliments. I'm real. I'm me. I'm positive. I dont talk about myself. I'm not negative. I dont insult. I dont bring up religion, past relationships. I am a good listener. I stand up for myself and will call the girl out if she does something off. I dont over dress I dont try to impress. I am happy to see her of course and want to get to know them.

I have asked a close friend and yes I have asked a couple other select friends of opposite sex and I have told them to be frank and as a friend helping a friend if there is something they see that I am doing. They are clueless and say that I am a very good looking guy that has confidence and is very approachable but not a nice guy pleaser.

I just dont get it. This "your going after the wrong girls" response I have heard is just utter BS. What is a wrong girl? the girls I am mentioning above would be seen as very nice, sweet beautiful girls that have a personality.

I'm just at a loss and I have fallen into a very deep depression that I am able to shake off for the most part but it keeps coming back. I feel like I am in a bubble in this city and that no girl is interested in me other then the ones I am far from attracted to. Its almost too cliche. The girls that are attracted to me and make advances are the last girls that I would ever date.

I'm not going after supermodels but definitely girls that are pretty in my eyes.

I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. I'm at a loss. Yes I might come across as shy but i have friends that are fat and shy and have gorgeous fun loving girlfriends.

I am getting to the point where I am becoming bitter too and need to change. thanks for reading this and I would love your feedback.

[MDBreye]

There's nothing wrong at all with your conduct. Either you're literally the world's unluckiest guy, or there's something you're not telling us. If you are exactly the way you describe yourself, the girls should be lining up to meet you.
So don't feel as if you're the one at fault.
Keep doing what you're doing. You'll find her someday. My guess is that you just have terrible luck.

[vashti]

Here are a couple of unconnected thoughts I had:

If your bitterness is showing (and you say you are begining to experience it), that is definitely a turn off.

Also, I think in a couple of examples, you may have thrown in the towel a little early. Why couldn't you have tried again to set up a tennis game, for example?

Also, I wonder if in your attempt to be "real", you might be coming off as a little bit hostile and inflexible? I don't know why, and I could be wrong, but that was the impression I got in reading your post: hostile and inflexible. For example, you NEVER ask for her input? You don't make her feel as though you want to date her? You call girls out on their behavior? Huh?

[lhn]

Well, a thread is always a tough way to judge someones social abilities but...

The impression I get (I'm a bloke) is that you're a man with a jotter pad, ticking the boxes and filling in the 'comments' section. You seem so analytical of something which should be natural, or atleast free-flowing.
Do you think perhaps you are just trying to play things far too perfectly?

I had a date once where I made a complete fall of myself. I even called her the wrong name at one point... not entirely sure how I found myself on a second date with her (desperation? lol)!!!

Also, I have a ton of friends who are very 'built'. Are you muscular? if so, its not every girls cup of tea. Whether it be the appearance or the maintenance which you have to put in to retain that level of comestic & fitness.
I train 4-5 days a week. I know the strains it can put on a relationship if you let it.

[shheadz]

Man, you give up way too soon.

[slimla]

hey guys thanks SO much for your response. In response to your guys contributions:

it is very hard to judge someone until you meet them and so I am trying my best to be completely uncensored and true about "me" to you guys.

I have come across as the nice guy. I hang out with a lot of girls. married, dating ones and I am putting an end to it. Yes they are nice but the reason I started was because I was attracted to them.

I give off the bitter vibe? well I would say to that I never had the bitter thing. I might not take rejection the best but i feel I am fairly resiliant with it. Its over the years and years and years and years of constant rejection where it has become overwhelming.

I know for a fact and I will argue this to my grave is that if you continue to pursue the girl and make yourself available even though she doesnt show any interest in you that it will not help. when the battle has been lost (she is not interested in returning your call or flakes) its pretty much a sure sign. Now there is always exceptions like she got in a car accident but I'm pretty much sure that that can be ruled out. Sure obvious signs.

I do agree I might give up after what I believe to be true tale signs of "NOT INTERESTED"

I have become analytical and you definitely hit that on the nose with that comment. I believe it has been the result of being rejected so many times that I have now started to go "what is wrong with what I am doing, my approach, etc and thats where i think and think." I basically am in the mode when i go out with a girl is that "here I am and here is me and if you dont like me then I'm not changing for you." I just do not have the energy to take anymore rejection.

I am completely 100% alone and I do not know why.

Now since its hard to know me I have to say yes I have dated girls. the longs I dated a girl was for one year. I broke up with her because I moved to Los angeles and she wanted to advance the relationship. I didnt love her and felt it was wrong to keep her from finding love.

I have slept with many girls and some people might be disgusted with my number but I swear on my life that I DO NOT want to be a man slut. I do that because I crave human contact. to feel and to touch another girl when i have been so alone is very hard to resist. The girls that take interest in me and sleep with me are not the ones I am interested. An analogy is you are out in space by yourself so alone and nothing. the once in a while opportunity to feel a warm body next to you is better then floating through space isolated.

People always see me as the innocent mid western all american boy next door. Clean cut and friendly, maybe quirky but always nice.

I am rambling because I really dont know where to go with this but I am reaching out for help because I am convinced I am doing something wrong.

when I meet a girl. I know that i want to get to know her. I dont want to give the pressure that I want a relationship. or that pressure with an awkward date dinner etc. I never do that anymore. depending on the type of girl I will do coffee, or if she is wild and adventorous we will be rednecks and go shoot guns at the shooting range.
I really dont know. but i could do a million different things and it always results in the same thing. never a second date or meeting.

The girls that I like do not like me. the girls I am never ever interested in are the ones that are interested in me. I read time and time again that girls are emotion and guys are visual. But in this hollywood town girls that I like all date "old guys, producers, directors, stars, rock stars, rockers, pro athletes, rich guys." maybe that is me just being bitter.

I look at a pretty girl and i say "reserved for someone that is not me" yes negative thinking but again please understand that I work on that and try to change and always think positive even if I am forcing myself to think positive.

I always try to better myself. work out, groom, eat right, positive, listen.

I can tell you for a fact that being a musician, having a great body and a six pack, sports car, ex-pro athlete doesnt work for girls. because I have all of those. Its about the personality and the confidence and going after what you want.

I know for a fact that girls here in this town seem to go after guys that have money even if its not looks or at least a guy who has a career or is relatively successful.

so I have babbled enough. I really appreciate your input and

my question to Sheadz is "how do i not give up way to soon" when a girl doesnt return my call or text?.... would that not be falling into the category of borderline stalking or creepy guy who doesnt get the hint?

[slimla]

call girls out ... i mean im not a yes man or people pleaser. I dont guy yes yes yes uh huh. if she says she thinks fat people are stupid I will call her out meaning saying fat people arent stupid ..... lol.

I hope you get what i mean? im not rude I just am opinionated when I am asked or if the girl is extremely rude to the waiter ill say . why are you mad at him? ...its hard to explain on internet

[vashti]

I live in LA, and yes, there are a lot of shallow women here, but I also know we aren't all that way! Maybe you are looking in the wrong places.

Do you have any hobbies that might be conducive to meeting people? Outdoor activities such as hiking or biking tend to attract more down-to-earth people, and you can check for local clubs/groups to join. Try meetup.com. It's not a dating site, but rather a social networking site. My area has a huge hiking club I've been thinking about joining...

[shheadz]

my question to Sheadz is "how do i not give up way to soon" when a girl doesnt return my call or text?.... would that not be falling into the category of borderline stalking or creepy guy who doesnt get the hint?

Here are some of the things:

I never got a call and I texted her the next day to see if we were still on. got a text that she couldnt make it but maybe some other time...... I deleted her number after that lame text

People do have other things to do some times.

I got a text at 2am "are you still up?" i returned the text the next day saying sorry I missed you I was asleep. what are you up to?" and thats the last I heard from her. I deleted her number

How long did you wait before deleting her number?

Listen, you do need to do some chasing. Most women aren't "first move" types, and they'll be expecting you to chase after them a bit. I think you're so afraid of rejection that you won't put any effort into going after those girls.

[shheadz]

I wanted to add that I know where you're coming from. I've slept with more women that I can count on both hands and toes, and it hasn't done anything to make me feel less alone. I spent a lot of years cultivating an image for myself that would make me more attractive to women, and now in my early thirties it's biting me in the ass. The only girls that approach me now are typical young party girls, and I know they're only interested in one thing, which is something I'm no longer interested in.

Sex and casual hookups are nothing compared to actual long term human companionship. I had that with my ex, who I dated for a very short time, but it was so incredible to be liked for me that I ended up squeezing a bit too tight to hold onto her. I'm making changes now to open up more, be more friendly, and get rid of the stupid pretentious image I created for myself. I was a much happier person with more friends, and more female companionship when I was a fat dorky kid.

I think you need to loosen up a bit. This attitude of "well, this is me, and if they don't like it, oh well" is just nonsense. It's just a way for you to put in zero effort so you don't have to feel rejected if they aren't into you. You invest nothing, so you lose nothing. You also don't gain anything either.

[TheWizard]

Just want to add my 2 cents, I agree with one of the other posters here - if you want a real relationship you're going to have to do a bit more chasing. The "disinterested" signs you're pointing out are typically yes, but I think you're giving up the ghost too soon.

Reading your dating style I would have categorized you as a pick up artist looking for cheap scores, and not for a real woman to have a relationship with. You want more out of the game, play the game longer before throwing in the towel.

[MVPlaya]

I really have no idea how to respond, there is probably something in the way you carry yourself on these dates or the way you show interest or deal with it that is hurting your chances. People are rarely good at describing the subtleties that hold them back, because if they were aware of the subtleties, then odds are they wouldn't be holding them back.

A few pieces of advice:

1) Don't become bitter. No way to kill sex appeal or relationship appeal faster than to be jaded or bitter. Its a natural emotional response, its also the emotional response that will only worsen your situation. Resist it.

2) Try some more. So she doesn't text you back, hit her up a little bit later. Think of each of these girls as a learning experience, by throwing in the towel too quick you miss out on further learning experiences.

3) Notice your successes. It seems that anything less than perfect is a story of failure rather than a story of progress to you. Like, you met a hot girl who you had sex with several times but wasn't interested in a relationship is not so much an example of your failure as much as its an example of learning about a different type of girl (and the way that relationship ended is only natural, girls who just want casual sex will generally fade out of your life quickly if they feel its headed to relationship territory or could head there, which can often not even be your fault, it will be the emotion beginning to set in for her and she fights it by blocking you out).


Honestly, you seem to put effort into this, you are meeting a lot of girls, you are getting places with these girls. You might not have reached your goal, which appears to be a long-term relationship or something equally fulfilling, but you are accomplishing something else, and you're getting there slowly. If you're not able to get second dates, practice your conversational abilities. It seems like you're having a hard time building an emotional connection with girls, although you seem able to build a physical connection.

Try this: slow down on the physical with girls, you might be better at getting girls in bed than you are at getting in their minds. One error I know some of my friends make is that when they see an opening, they take it. Resist that urge. Instead, make her make the move on you, and joke as you reject her advance. "All I can offer you right now is a good conversation." If you give into her sexual advances quickly, then you appear eager and she will lose interest, make her work for it. Are you making these girls work for it? Or are you doing all the work?

[lhn]

I agree with Shheadz. You're sooooo frustrated with things not working out how you want them to that you've given up on the chase. Given up on the game. Obviously this is something that seems to have happened after years of annoyance.
Dating & flirting and all that stuff should be enjoyable and a challenge. It's never a straight line and there are very few 'rules'.

And remember, sometimes when people start to date, they might not be going into it thinking 'omg, I hope he's the one and we get married'.... thats just too much to handle. That sort of thing builds up AFTER having a good foundation built.

Chill out on deleting the numbers.

[sookie6]

Slimla

Reading your post yes you seem to have mastered the dos and donts on dating.

Can you tell us what age group you are dating?

Ok someone pointed out already that you need to distance yourself from the shallow circles in LA and find some down to earth people for a more meaningful relationship.

I live close by to the Côte d'Azur and I HATE going to the coast. It is all about the appearance and wearing brands and what car you are driving. And so many young girls there go out with a sugar daddy!!!

I have never dated someone from there. Actually guys there depress me. They are like pussies. They are too groomed, arrogant and have an attitude problem.
I know you guys are visual but would you not prefer a woman with a real beauty. I mean someone who would look the same in the mornings?
You said you were 35 maybe you should try dating grown up women in the 30-35 age group. You' d be surprised by their level of confidence. And maybe they'd be less likely to take you for a ride.

I know the world is as it is and men usually prefer younger women but why not broaden your horizon?

On deleting the numbers: I actually think you are not in the wrong doing so. You need to follow your intuition on these women. If something does not feel right, then it is not worth pursuing or going back to. I am sure that If a woman had seemed special to you you would still have her number.
Last year I dated 5 men which is an enormous number for me in a year because before that, I had been in 2 long term relationships back to back. And I can tell you I have learned 10 times more about my expectations in love through these dates that did not lead anywhere.
When you press the delete button you actually acknowdge that you know what is not for you and that is already such a step forward!!!

[Elle_Boogie]

Uhg. I think your location is your biggest problem. Most females are gold-diggers, and most of them live in LA. My advice is this: GIVE UP! Stop looking for love, and I PROMISE it will come to you. As soon as you give up looking for it, you will give off a much more casual and less desperate vibe. I was single fro two years, and the moment I gave up trying to find love---it fell right in my lap. Another options: dating websites. My coworker met the love of his life on match.com. Good luck!