What is wrong with me?

[PacMan73020]

Hello, I'm sorry to post this on here... I've never done anything like this before and wouldn't normally.

First off, I would like to say that I'm a gay man and this post is for some gay friendly advice. If you find this thing offensive, please don't read any farther.

The thing that is bothering me is that I have been seeing this guy for about a little over a month. I met him at a mutual friend of our's birthday party. When I saw him walk in the place at the beginning of the party, I thought he was WAY hot, but wouldn't speak to him because I thought he wouldn't be interested in talking to me. By the end of the party, he asked me what my name was and if he could have my number. I was hesitant to give it to him at first because I've been hurt a lot in the past, but then I though he's just gotten drunk and would forget he even has the number so I have it to him anyway.

I was really surprised to see him texting me the next day while I was at work! We hit it off really fast and over Christmas time were texting each other everyday and seeing each other some. Then on New Year's eve, I stayed with him at his apartment. It wasn't the first time we had stayed together, but I was really nervous. We ended up sleeping together, something I don't do with someone unless I really care for them and have feelings for them. I was a little intoxicated and afterward, he laid his head on my chest while I was caressing him. Just out of nowhere, I told him that I loved him. Things got really silent and then he looked at me and rolled over and went to bed. The next day, I left, but told him would call him if he still wanted me to. He said yeah, but I know what that really means. Like I said, I've been hurt a lot.

To shorten this, I didn't hear from him for 3 weeks. MADE ME SICK EVERYTIME I WOULD THINK ABOUT IT! Finally, after I was getting to the point of moving on and could stand to be alone by myself without my thought wandering on him, he texted me and asked if I would come over so we could talk. I said yes and when over. We talked about what happened that day and he said that he really does like me and that he would like to try for a relationship with me, but wants to take it slow. I agreed and apologized for making him feel uncomfortable and that I didn't mean to.

That was last week and it had been a WONDERFUL one! We were talking and going out, and he even wanted me to spend some nights at his house. I was so happy and I THOUGHT he was too. I wasn't rushing anything.

Today, I noticed he was acting a bit distant again so I texted him and asked what was wrong and if there was anything I could do. He told me that he still feels as if thing are being rushed and that he's really not ready to be in a relationship and that all he feels he can give me is friendship. After sitting there, trying to absorb that spine chilling text, I asked him what I did that was wrong, and what I could do to fix it because I really like him and want it to work. He said I didn't do anything wrong really, but that he is loud and outgoing and I am shy and reserved and that he didn't think that it would really work out romantically between us, but he wants to be my friend.

I told him that is fine if he really feels that way. It's better to be friends than nothing at all, but I feel so hurt by this. I shouldn't. He's not the first person to tell me the same thing. Others that I've started to see romantically before would start acting shady around me and then would tell me things like I'm a really nice person and that I deserve someone better than them... All I want is him... That is what would make me happy...

It makes me happy to know the ones I care about are happy, even if that someone isn't with me, but when can I be happy with someone? Even my friends tell me that I'm too nice and in today's times, nobody likes a "nice person" romantically. Nice people end up becoming the "good friends"...

I'm starting to think this is really true. As stupid as this sounds, I wish I knew how to be more of a hard-ass and not give a damn about what people care about. Maybe then someone will find me worth keeping?... I feel so alone and hurt now that I don't want to do anything, but at the same time, I don't want to sit in my house alone either... I'm tired of feeling this way. It's making me feel physically ill... Maybe really I am a boring person...

[tufty]

awwwwwwwwwwww hunni - your fine, everything ur feeling is normal.

one day ur prince will come - i seems he just arrives out of the blue when u stop looking for him.

you say you have been hurt in the past. learn from these experiences - do not give all of urself so easy, hold back a part of yourself, not only will it protect you but it will also give the guy something to work for.

[PacMan73020]

I thought that was what it was with him... I wasn't looking. He found me. I really liked this one... He's really a nice guy and I'm not mad at him... I want to be his friend, but it's going to hurt me to see him... But to shut him out just because of this isn't a good thing either... I don't want to do that...

[QueenofCorona]

Hmmm...do you think its something thats holding him back from committing like a previously bad relationship or that he just doesn't want to buckle down with one man? Not to label but my last roommate was a lesbian and I met a lot of her gay guy friends and few had mentioned that gay men aren't big on monogamy but they are out there. Keep your head up, I know its hard.

[Gigabitch]

Friends don't ****, so whatever you do, stop sleeping with him. The cavalier, casual way he is treating you shows that he might be a great guy but he would make a terrible boyfriend.

I'm sorry you were disappointed in him. Better luck next time.

[all alone]

gay or straight, saying "i love you" too fast is a sure fire way to make the other person think twice. Keep that in mind for next time, just bite your tongue! Think it but don't say it.

[tufty]

i agree about the 'i love you' thing - to be honest even saying i love holding hands, i love curry, i love shakespeare or star trek or fluffly kittens - anything that starts with 'i love....' is completely the wrong move when it comes to the nightmare that is the man's brain!!!

lmao

although.... 'i love giving bj's' seems to go down well - always exceptions to the rule i guess

[lhn]

Sry to hear your story Pacman. I have the same problem: 'too nice' etc... I look back now and can see how many times I have been 'friend-zoned' and its crazy. I'm not gay but thats irrelevant. Its a universal issue.

I'm toughening up a bit and making damn sure that the next person who I meet as 'potential partner material' isn't going to see me as a nice friend.

[TheWizard]

I imagine love advice is universal so I'll take a stab at it here. To me the asking what's up all the time may not have helped your cause beyond the Love bomb. Dropping the L bomb early is dangerous in any relationship - the last time I did it she purposefully ignored the comment and we continued as normal for about a month. She wanted to see if things were going to get weird because I hadn't heard her say it yet but they didn't and it panned out.

But I digress, gay or straight if someone is constantly hounding after your feelings it tends to come across as insecure. You noted in your post that you're often shy so I suppose that might be the root of it. You're trying eagerly to make sure the other person is constantly satisfied, which in turn says to the other person something along the lines of: "in my own eyes my company is not enough to satisfy you so I want to make sure I can appease you with anything else you might need to make you feel better about the time you're spending with me."- it's a deathtrap don't do it.

Next time bite your tongue, if you want to say you love someone you can try the indirect approach and get a vibe off that. I've used the "Man I love (insert whatever is relevant hobby or otherwise)" and see how it goes. One of those words tat even when masked the context still gets the other person's attention. Again, try not to do it though.