How to Stop an Enfatuation or Crush

[stevenlee]

My wife and I separated for a while, (We are still friends and we never fought, she just was unhappy and left)
but she moved back into the extra bedroom a while ago.

I'm trying to work things out more than her (she doesn't think it will work, I don't know how to motivate her to try more)

I just found out tonight that she has a crush on her brother in law (her brothers wife's brother) and has had one for years

He is in Italy, so no immediate threat but while I was putting our son to bed, I overheard her flirting with him (the rooms are right next door to each other) she said stuff like "I was staring into your eyes for hours today" (I guess talking about a picture)

I walked in the room after my son was asleep only to find her flashing her boobs at him over a webcam

I really don't know what to do about this, Please help

thank you,
Steve

[SirWagginston]

I don't think you can stop it. If your son isn't too old yet, you might be able to kick her out of the house, though.

[Doc Durian]

her brothers wife's brother isn't her brother in law. It's just some dude she's keen on and she's doing it right under your nose and in your house.

Barring a dog house out back, put the lawnmower and tools in that spare room and move her to the garage.

"Mommy lives in the garage because she's like an old broken down car and she needs to fix herself"

[sookie6]

You need to get away from this rotten situation. She has no respect for you.
It's either you go or she does...

[chocolateorange]

That's extremely rude of her. If she's interested in someone else, she should have the courtesy to move out of your house. I agree with Doc --she's showing no respect for you and you shouldn't need to put up with that!

[Illusional]

whoa... infatuation is spelled with an "I'.

ok, now to what's more important. first, did you confront her.. (of course you did) and how did it go?? was there a fight in which she said that she didn't have feelings for you, or was she apologetic. that will come into play because if she doesn't care for you anymore, it's only a matter of time before a divorce is underway. if she is sorry and wants to try to work things out, then that's another matter. if so... this crush might be a phase or it might relapse, it more so depends on where she wants to take it from there.

for now, i would suggest that you talk to her to get more insight as to how she feels about you. don't do anything rash, yet be specific and tell her how you feel. i'm guessing that you still want to be with her, so ask her to get rid of the webcam to help smother the temptation. also talk to your brother in law and be manly about it. if it helps, ask the family to get involved so that this kinda shit won't happen again.

raverboy

[stevenlee]

she was sorta apologetic, but she kind of said something like she doesn't to talk about it, but then she talked to me about it (weird)
I did tell her how I feel, I'm not pressuring her to get back together, but I love her and she knows that, (I dont tell her "I love you" but she knows) it is hard for me not to share my feelings with her, she is my best friend and she says that I'm her best friend (she doesn't share her feelings with me too much though

I don't know how to snap her out of her selfish thoughts and actions, she just pushes her emotions away so she doesn't have to deal with them.

I can't kick her out because I can't tell my 5 year old son that I'm kicking his mom out because she is being stupid, also later in his life I don't want him resenting me for not doing everything possible to reconcile.

thank you for your responses and your help, if you have anything to add or comment, I'm all ears (er eyes, lol)

[Illusional]

just an outsiders thougth.. maybe she is pushing you away and doesn't want to deal with the problem because she doesn't feel the same for you anymore. it's not the easiest thing to talk about, but by putting it off might be her way of showing you how she feels. also by hiding in the shadows and showing her interest in other people might be her way of "handling" her feelings.

raverboy

[girl68]

Have you used the word "disrespectful"? That might shine some light.

[Illusional]

i'd kick her out. later if your son holds any grudges, you can explain to him how his mother was showing off her goods to his uncle.

raverboy

[stevenlee]

Yeah, I know she is being disrespectful, but I don't know what I can do about it. I really don't want to push her away, but also I don't want my son to be mad at me and not talk to me later in life (my "wife" didn't talk to her dad for over 10 years because of the divorce between him and her mom)

uh, I need a vacation

[Illusional]

your son being mad at you is a huge possibility. however, just because your wife felt to deal with her parents divorce by not talking to her mother was her choice. your son won't necessarily follow in that direction. i won't lie to you, i think that it will come down to you living a miserable life by sticking with your wife, or you'll chance your son being mad at you because your wife might end up with custody. in the end, the decision is yours.

raverboy

[Doc Durian]

I can't kick her out because I can't tell my 5 year old son that I'm kicking his mom out because she is being stupid, also later in his life I don't want him resenting me for not doing everything possible to reconcile.

You don't have to tell him anything. He's not involved in any of this stuff going on between the pair of you. A simple, "mommy wants to live in her own house but she is still your mommy and wants to see you as much as she can" should suffice.

[SirWagginston]

I'm not envisioning her being able to take custody. You have money and a house, she does not. She flashes her naughty bits on the Internet, and you do not. It's pretty obvious which of you is more able to take care of a child, and on the off-chance she's capable of convincing a judge otherwise, which one of you can afford your own lawyer? I'm guessing it's you.

She only has as much power as you allow her to have. Her disrespect can last only as long as your graciousness; you can end your relationship troubles any time you want.

[Illusional]

^^^^ that isn't always the case.. when you're married, the "happy" couple shares everything from bills to money to children. if there were to divorce, she will get half of everything, and that means the house too.

raverboy