Heartache That Just Won't Quit

[rpstevens]

In the summer of 2008 my feelings for a friend at work grew out of control and effectively killed the friendship. I am married and she has a long term boyfriend. Nothing happened between us -- fortunately I told my wife about my feelings for this girl (I'll call her Rebecca) before anything physical developed. My wife and I went through several painful months which included counseling but have mended fences rather nicely and and doing well now.

My problem is that I still have feelings for Rebecca. We had been friends for two and a half years and I never thought I would have this problem as I didn't find her physically attractive. Somehow that wall got knocked down and when my feelings kicked in they went into overdrive. After telling my wife, Rebecca and I stopped being friends and eventually broke off all non-work related contact. Eventually I got another job, though we still work in the same town and socialize with some of the same people.

While I have had some nice long spells where my emotions felt at peace, it still flares up again from time to time, like a rash. I don't think a day has gone by in the past year and a half where I haven't thought about her. I've talked to my wife about being friends with Rebecca again but she thinks its a bad idea and I haven't tried to push it, probably because I'm not sure it's such a hot idea myself. I am not worried about becoming romantically involved with her, it's just that the whole dynamic of the friendship would be completely different and what I really want is for things to go back the way they were.

Sometimes I am able to step back from the situation and it all seems so ludicrous. I've never had anything like this happened before. It has the intensity of a high school crush and it just won't go away.

Any advice? Am I stuck just waiting it out?

[cmacattack1]

That's the thing. Just because you are forbidden by your wife or feel guilty for having these feelings for her, it doesn't mean it can and won't stop. I think the reason you are emotionally cheating on your wife is that you aren't happy with things at home. Be it too boring, your feelings for her faded, etc. etc. If you really care about your wife and your marriage, you might want to look into it. That can be the only feasible explanation I can think of for your situation.

I praise that you were honest and told your wife, although if you were able to squelch this on your own you could have avoided some animosity. It brought to light some problems in your marriage to her and alerted her that this needs help to. The sooner you dive in and fix it the better.

What problems can you name off the top of your head with your marraige?

[rpstevens]

I think the reason you are emotionally cheating on your wife is that you aren't happy with things at home. Be it too boring, your feelings for her faded, etc. etc. If you really care about your wife and your marriage, you might want to look into it. That can be the only feasible explanation I can think of for your situation.

We aired out some of our problems during counseling. It has definitely helped. I had been feeling too tied down at home and unable to enjoy socializing with people after work. My wife is much more supportive about it now.

I praise that you were honest and told your wife, although if you were able to squelch this on your own you could have avoided some animosity. It brought to light some problems in your marriage to her and alerted her that this needs help to. The sooner you dive in and fix it the better.

I tried to keep it from her to spare her the hurt. I lasted about two weeks before it was clear I was going to have to tell her. I was a mess and felt so guilty about it. I work with lots of young attractive people and always had my shields up to prevent something like this from happening. Rebecca (unintentionally, I think) made an end run around my defenses and by the time I realized what had happened the "undo" button was greyed out.

My wife and I have been pretty solid for months now. I could just use a little push to get Rebecca out of my head.

[Gigabitch]

Then you have to ask her to leave. Not actually "ask" her, you know, but make the decision that there will be no more Rebecca and that's that. The idea of being friends with her is insane. You can never be friends with her. Who do you think you're kidding? Your wife was being diplomatic when she said it wasn't a good idea. What it is is a marriage killer. Don't even think about this again.

Focus yourself on getting what you need from your wife. If that's not happening, go back into counseling with her and try, really try, to make it work.

Don't make any excuses for why you need to keep the door open, even just a crack, for Rebecca. Either close that door, lock it and throw away the key or face the fact that you want to be a cheater.

[bluesummer]

Your wife is a good woman to try and work this out with you. I'd have a very hard time dealing with a husband who had feelings for another woman. You should count your blessings, be thankful for what you have. Tell yourself in your head that Rebecca = ruining your life. Tell yourself that association with her brings nothing but negativity.

[Doc Durian]

Dude, she must love you something fierce to put up with you talking about another woman and her merely saying, "probably not a good idea".

That's a great wife you've got.... and beyond her role, probably a great person at heart.

Cherish that shit.

Most gals wouldn't be as understanding.

As Kansas sung and the Scorpions later covered.... all we are is just "Dust in the Wind" for this life.

Pick your elevations and depressions accordingly...

She sounds like a rock.