Just want to tell my story.

[PROJECTX]

I came across this site by accident, I just typed in “how to get over a broken heart” and this site came up. I’ve been reading some of the post on here about break ups and how to people to get over breaks up. I know it sound strange but reading the post on here make me feel better. I know I’m not the only one in the world going though this, but being able to read other peoples post about the same thing makes me feel better. Like I’m not alone. So I decide to write my story, not to get any reply or comment, but more to let it out. I don’t talk to my close friends about what I’m going thought right now. Will to be honest I don’t think they understand. I don’t know if anyone will really understand.
Let me start from the beginning. My ex-girlfriend broke up with me back in Feb 13th, 2003. It was one of the hardest things I had to do in my short life. Letting the love of my life go. But she wasn’t happy with me and It was all my fault. I wasn’t the man she need me to be and at that time I couldn’t be. But I just wanted her to be happy, so when she said “I want to be happy”, I did what was best for her. I never called or wrote her again.
Now I was destroyed, but my feelings for her never went away. I was determined to get her back; I knew I had to change if I wanted her back.
For the first two years I was in a bad place. I felt like killing myself, everyday. I would wake up and ask myself why hell did I wake up. What’s the point of living, my job sucks, girlfriend doesn’t want me, and I don’t even like myself. Those where my darkest days in my short life, it took a lot of inner strength and praying, to get pass it all. Once I was pass the lowest part of my life, things started to look up.
I got a new job, started to deal with the inner demons that had haunted me for years, and started going to the gym every day. I knew I had to change inside and out, and that’s what I was doing. But I always felt that one day I would see my ex again. Everyday I wanted to see her again and talk to her. But I knew I was not ready for that. If I did talk to her and we got back together, I would become the monster I was inside. I had not yet killed him, but was slowly taking him out. In my mind, me and my ex where meant to be together. So to make this happen I need to make some big life change. I wanted to be the man that my ex-girlfriend need me, and wanted me to be. This was a big turning point in my life. I started to change bad habits that keep me in the past and not moving forward. Did what I need to do to heal what was left of my inner soul and made peace with the people in my family who bought so much pain to me as a child and young teen. When to martial art class let my anger out in a health way. So on and so on. She was the driving force behind all of this, I wanted to be a better man for her, and I wanted to be a better man for myself. She wasn’t even in my life anymore, but I knew one day she would be. I need to change and continue to change. Not just for her, but for myself too.
So more five years go by. I haven’t dated anyone really and haven’t really wanted to. A few of girls came and went. just wasn’t fair to them. My heart was with someone else. Someone who was not even in my life. But she still had a hold on me.
I finally come to point in my life where I feel normal. I have grown so much, I wake up feeling like I can take on the world and win. The world can throw its worst at me and I will keep on trucking. But one thing is missing, love. Her love. I need to do what I’ve been scared to do the last seven years. Find her, tell her I still love her and I would do anything for her.
I haven’t seen her or wrote to her in seven years. I knew nothing about her anymore, but I need to know if she still loved me, or wanted to be with me again. I didn’t care what wall where put up, I was going to knock them all down. If She had kids, I was going to love’em like they where my own. If she had gain weight where she was the size of a small car, I wouldn’t care. Had full body tattoos and body piercings all over her, I still wouldn’t care. What I’m trying to say is I love her so much that I was not going to let anything stop us for being together again. The only thing that would stop me, is if she didn’t want me and that was a good chance that she had moved on, but I needed to know. I had come to the fork in the road. I had to face the last thing my past that was holding me back from moving forward. It would either be the best thing I did and we would be together forever or be the worst day of my life and have to say good bye forever. Either way It had to end or I would never be able to go forward. If I don’t find out I would spend the rest of my life not wanting to find someone because she might come back.
It took me about ten mins to find her on a social network. She looked like she did when were going out. I got so excited, that I had found her. My heart was pumping so hard I could hear it slamming against my chest. I wrote a letter to her, telling her I was sorry for how I was back then, how I had grown and how she was the driving force behind it. How I would do anything for her and I would not let anything get in the way of us getting back together, if she wanted to. I put it all out there. It was one of my strongest moments and at the same time one my most vulnerable. I was doing something I never could have done, telling the girl I love that Im willing to do whatever it takes to be a better man for her and myself. I press send.
45 mins goes pass and I check my inbox. Their a message, I stop breathing. Time itself froze and the world looked over my shoulder to see what she wrote. I quote “I’m sorry but I do have any feeling for you……. I’m happly married and don’t plan on leaving him. I would like if you stopped messaging me.” Cold and to the point, she had to do it that way. If she didn’t I would never stop. I’m a fighter and if their a chance I’m in for all ten rounds. I wrote her back and said I was sorry, I didn’t know she was married. I also add that I would always love her, but I would leave her alone like she wanted me to. Pressed send for the last time. My worst nightmare had just come true. I can’t believe I started to cry. It was like she had dumped me for the first time seven years ago. I pulled myself together long enough to finish up the day and go home. When I got home, I couldn’t help it. I let out a scream so loud, God and devil must have turned to look. I fell to my knees, crying like I was 5 years old again. At that ever moment, the heavens opened up and just poured water down. It felt like God was crying with me and just as hard. I lay their on my floor letting out all the emotions and pain I had keep inside of me. Once I finally got up off the floor, I prayed that God takes care of her and her family, and that he give me the strength to let her go.
That was Feb 19th 2010, I feel better and I know I will be happy one day. I climbed the biggest mountain of my life. I stood at the edge and didn’t jump. I know that all this happened for a reason, yes it did not go my way. But nothing in life ever really goes the way you think. I’m happy that I was able share my life with her, so long ago. I’m happy that because of her and other factors I can say I’m a better man today. I will always love her, but I have to move on. Move on shall. One day I will look back at this and say Feb 19th 2010 was the best day of my life. Thank you for taking the time read this.

[LeeLooD]

Wow...
This is one of the most amazing love stories I've ever read.
I don't know you but.. you're definitely a wonderful person. If you ever need someone to talk to, please know I can be your friend.
I'm proud of strong people like you, who manage to find a way to improve and complete goals.
Someday you'll find someone that will make you happy, I know this for sure because you're a great person and that's really hard to find.
Good luck and please remember you can count on me anytime.

Take Care.

[cmacattack1]

Isn't it amazing how one person can have such an impact on your life? My ex had a very similar effect on me, and I will always have her to thank.

And you say you did it for you, but you more than likely did it for her and that's the crushing blow you received when she told you she didn't have any feeling for you anymore.

I know it meant alot to you to pour it out there and let her know everything, but what did you expect? Did part of you hope that she would magically fall back in love with you after hearing all this? Keep in mind that your relationship didn't start based on apologies and that those feelings have to develop over time.

You had an opportunity and you messed up man. I did too. Most of us won't get that second chance and it's a tough pill to swallow, but the sooner we accept it the better. We can't wait around hoping that they are going to all the sudden forgive us and swoop us off our feet again. My ex painstakingly waited out our relationship with me hoping I would change, and I didn't. She was naive to think that I would change by reinforcing my behavior and treating her badly.

Part of the healing process so you can open up to other people is forgiving yourself for screwing up. You are human, you made mistakes, you were young, you were inexperienced. Based on how you apologized again after 7 years of not talking to her just showed that you were clinging to the scraps of the idolized relationship you had before. I'm sorry that after 7 years this was the result, but if you look at it, like I said before, what realistically could have happened? Now you will never have those 7 years back. Part of what my ex instilled in me and what I learned through reading these stories and talking to others is that life is way too short. I bet you wish you found this sooner and that you had more supportive friends eh?

This is a rough reality check.

[PROJECTX]

Isn't it amazing how one person can have such an impact on your life? My ex had a very similar effect on me, and I will always have her to thank.

And you say you did it for you, but you more than likely did it for her and that's the crushing blow you received when she told you she didn't have any feeling for you anymore.

I know it meant alot to you to pour it out there and let her know everything, but what did you expect? Did part of you hope that she would magically fall back in love with you after hearing all this? Keep in mind that your relationship didn't start based on apologies and that those feelings have to develop over time.

You had an opportunity and you messed up man. I did too. Most of us won't get that second chance and it's a tough pill to swallow, but the sooner we accept it the better. We can't wait around hoping that they are going to all the sudden forgive us and swoop us off our feet again. My ex painstakingly waited out our relationship with me hoping I would change, and I didn't. She was naive to think that I would change by reinforcing my behavior and treating her badly.

Part of the healing process so you can open up to other people is forgiving yourself for screwing up. You are human, you made mistakes, you were young, you were inexperienced. Based on how you apologized again after 7 years of not talking to her just showed that you were clinging to the scraps of the idolized relationship you had before. I'm sorry that after 7 years this was the result, but if you look at it, like I said before, what realistically could have happened? Now you will never have those 7 years back. Part of what my ex instilled in me and what I learned through reading these stories and talking to others is that life is way too short. I bet you wish you found this sooner and that you had more supportive friends eh?

This is a rough reality check.

Lol Did my post bring up some bad memorys for you, buddy. I didnt write this because im in a bad place and looking for answers. i just need to get this off my chest, to tell someone what happened and how I was hurting at the time. I know it wasn't healthy to wait so long. But Like I said I was at a fork in the road. I needed to know and i needed to know that she knew how I still felt about her. I couldn't live the rest of my life wondering if I had just called, wrote or stopped by. Go hard or go home, how I looked at it. And to do that I had to put everthing on the table. I was ready for anything good or bad. But just becuase I was ready for the bad, doesn't mean I wasn't going to get hurt. To be honest, I feel free now. And once again I have her to thank, I will always love her, but now I know what road to take. I don't normally open up to people or to people I don't know. So to post this was really hard to do,and to be honest, your post doesn't really make me want to post anymore. It's like your mad at the fact that I had the guts to contact her. This was not reality check, this was me growing up and willing to fight for the person I love. And now having to let her go. Thank you for reading and have a nice day.

[cmacattack1]

Eh, I'm not mad at you. Sorry if it had an irritated tone to it. I just feel bad that you've gone through so much and worked so hard to have her back in your life only to come up short in the end. You say you are free and that's a good thing, but it's still pretty new and like you said it's almost like the break up you had 7 years ago. You will go through all the emotions all over again, the ups the downs, and everything. Hopefully you aren't asking yourself "What if I did this earlier...."

My buddy is all for laying it all out there and telling them how you feel. I was just hoping that you would understand from what I posted that relationships aren't based on apologies and the past. If you really wanted to be with her, it would more be about starting something new, and showing them through your behavior that you have come a long way and have genuinely changed but are still that person they fell in love with in the first place.

I just feel bad for you that's all. I'm sure you will find somebody that will make you happy if this is what you needed to be able to open up to other people. So I really hope the best for you.

[love2010]

Thats a very interesting and very long insightful story and i have mixed emotions about it which i must express with you. i am in the same situation right now that you were years ago. one month ago my gf of 8 years decided to break off our engagement and let everything go that we had in our lives. I should mention that she was my first and only gf since i was 17, and i mean first everything which makes my problem extra difficult to deal with. I too strongley feel she is the one and there is no one else, she is my life, my other half and my only point of living, but i know i cant make my life revolve around her now, that was a mistake i made and are paying for it now. I wake up everyday the same way you felt like there is no reason to keep going, but my handful of family and friends and this website have helped me make the right choices and decisons from the start, but i am human so its not easy to listen and take advice when my mind is just a mess. Here is my point iam very afraid that i will hold on to her for a long time and let it consume me and not let it go like you did for many years. Iam trying hard to move on and accept she doesnt love me anymore and she hasnt been honest with me for a long time before this happened. We both made mistakes me more of course, but i cant sulk i learned form it all. My hope to get back together is dropping day by day and as of friday it plumetted down after a sour conversation with her. I just want to know itll be okay if she doenst come back and i wish her luck with her journey, but i will always feel she made a horrible mistake leaving me. I cant accept it and iam trying not to show it and iam just lost, iam scared and skeptical that i will feel and want to share the same things or make new experiences with another i just cant see it. it makes me uncomfortable thinking she is happily moving on and iam just stuck in the quicksand i dont want to let it take over my life. Iam scared its as simple as that.is it really possible to start over with someone different to me its such an impossible scenario iam sorry iam so stubborn i hope everyones right time heals all wounds and i will be happy again. Everyone wants me to go out and and go shopping for women at bars and clubs, but nobody seems to respect or understand thats not me i would rather be watchin a movie at home with my gf. I have never dated or been with any body else so if theres any help out there let me know thanks.

[mings]

I like this story very much! It's good to write, I like the look of your text and conversation!

[PROJECTX]

Eh, I'm not mad at you. Sorry if it had an irritated tone to it. I just feel bad that you've gone through so much and worked so hard to have her back in your life only to come up short in the end. You say you are free and that's a good thing, but it's still pretty new and like you said it's almost like the break up you had 7 years ago. You will go through all the emotions all over again, the ups the downs, and everything. Hopefully you aren't asking yourself "What if I did this earlier...."

My buddy is all for laying it all out there and telling them how you feel. I was just hoping that you would understand from what I posted that relationships aren't based on apologies and the past. If you really wanted to be with her, it would more be about starting something new, and showing them through your behavior that you have come a long way and have genuinely changed but are still that person they fell in love with in the first place.

I just feel bad for you that's all. I'm sure you will find somebody that will make you happy if this is what you needed to be able to open up to other people. So I really hope the best for you.

After reading this, I understand where your coming from. I did write that post with a lot of emtion and did leave some info out. I did tell her that I wanted to take it slow, if she wanted to. Like hanging out or just talking on the phone. I also knew she would not just fall head over heels for me, just becasue I sent her a pm. Where not living in a movie, if that was the case then she would be with me right now. As for wishing that I had done something years ago, NO!. I wasn't in the right place, soul, body or mind. I would have just died, inside and out. If this had happened at any other time in my life. For what ever reason, fate or God. This was the only time I could have done this. I know that something good will come out of this. I just don't what. I have to get past the lowes, which will take some time. But I thank you for writing me and giving me chance to tell my story. I hope you find happniess one day too.

[PROJECTX]

Thats a very interesting and very long insightful story and i have mixed emotions about it which i must express with you. i am in the same situation right now that you were years ago. one month ago my gf of 8 years decided to break off our engagement and let everything go that we had in our lives. I should mention that she was my first and only gf since i was 17, and i mean first everything which makes my problem extra difficult to deal with. I too strongley feel she is the one and there is no one else, she is my life, my other half and my only point of living, but i know i cant make my life revolve around her now, that was a mistake i made and are paying for it now. I wake up everyday the same way you felt like there is no reason to keep going, but my handful of family and friends and this website have helped me make the right choices and decisons from the start, but i am human so its not easy to listen and take advice when my mind is just a mess. Here is my point iam very afraid that i will hold on to her for a long time and let it consume me and not let it go like you did for many years. Iam trying hard to move on and accept she doesnt love me anymore and she hasnt been honest with me for a long time before this happened. We both made mistakes me more of course, but i cant sulk i learned form it all. My hope to get back together is dropping day by day and as of friday it plumetted down after a sour conversation with her. I just want to know itll be okay if she doenst come back and i wish her luck with her journey, but i will always feel she made a horrible mistake leaving me. I cant accept it and iam trying not to show it and iam just lost, iam scared and skeptical that i will feel and want to share the same things or make new experiences with another i just cant see it. it makes me uncomfortable thinking she is happily moving on and iam just stuck in the quicksand i dont want to let it take over my life. Iam scared its as simple as that.is it really possible to start over with someone different to me its such an impossible scenario iam sorry iam so stubborn i hope everyones right time heals all wounds and i will be happy again. Everyone wants me to go out and and go shopping for women at bars and clubs, but nobody seems to respect or understand thats not me i would rather be watchin a movie at home with my gf. I have never dated or been with any body else so if theres any help out there let me know thanks.

Im not a Dr Phil, but becasue my post caused you to write this, I will respond. I understand this is your first everything and that you feel sacred to move on. It's hard to see your self happy with someone else, when all you know is this relationship. But your pain is very new and unfamiliar, being that you have not gone thought this before. It's going to be hard to get over it, but you will. I don't think that you will fall under the spell I did. For one, your on here, which shows you have a need to get past this. I could have never gotten on here if I didn't really want to move on. Telling people how you feel and asking advice is a step everyone takes before they feel better. You'er just afraid of the unkown and no one blames you for it. Your friends are right, you should try to get out. But my advice is to move slowly. Try going to places like starbuckets with friends or by yourself, and try to talk to people. Nothing serious. Also, if thier is someone you want to talk, who you haven't because of your ex, you should try. Samething, nothing serious. Sometimes all you need is to get over the first hill. But never stop tyring to be a better person. But like I said im not Dr Phil, good luck and you will find someone new.

[love2010]

thanks for your response it gives me hope everything will be better another day, but for now i will keep fighting to move on