Daughter's boyfriend

[Car Chick]

I am in a relationship with a man who is 24 years older than me. (I'm20 and he's 44 since I know people are going to ask.) His daughter (age 14) lives in another city, too far away for us to get together. I want to get to know here. My bf and I have been talking about marriage so I really think it's important for us to know each other well. I sent her a friend request on facebook over a week ago and she hasn't added me yet. I really need some advice on how to get to know here better and to gain her acceptance despite the age gap, which she SAYS she's fine with. I hope that's true.

And yes, I know many of you will post nothing but flames on here about how my bf is too old, but rest assured, I really don't care, it's not going to change my mind about him. We are in love and I am not attracted to men my age. I have no interest in men under 40.

[SirWagginston]

Don't you mean boyfriend's daughter? I came here expecting to read about a PO'd mom or dad looking for advice on how to get their daughter to ditch some loser.

[Lipp]

Yah, thought that too Wag, at least that would've been better.

Anyhow, if you really want to make sure that you'll be accepted you should definitely strive to meet in person, facebooking will get you nowhere and phone calls only go so far. Preferably as a family rather than just the two of you, makes it easier to gauge responses and make it less awkward than a one-on-one meet-up. And should definitely do it before you take any further steps towards marriage, you can't really expect her to have fully accepted it prior to meeting you or treating someone who's almost at the same age as a mother figure.
Unless of course he's separated and the mother got custody, which seems more likely for someone so young to be living away from the family, and in which case you'd might not have to be too fussed about it since you wont see her much and she probably wont care much either.

So yeah. As for the rest, don't expect to know for sure how things will pan out for the next few years, you're still young and a marriage isn't a short-term commitment.

[Cbrider]

A 14 year old doesn't know what color shirt they are going to wear in the morning. She can't comprehend the whole situation and ramifications at that age.

[vashti]

She's NOT going to accept you. I assume she loves her mother and is loyal to her, and you can bet mom has had a few choice words to say about you, her ex, and the age gap. Children are generally loyal to the person that loves them most, and in her mind, that would be mom, since she is living with her, and dad lives far away.

The most you should ever hope for is that she is polite to you, and of course, you should ALWAYS be warm and polite, even when she is not (and trust me, I know about this: she won't be).

[Doc Durian]

Depends on how old she was when the parents seperated.

My son hates it when his mother and I joke about getting back together.

He physically jumps inbetween us and yells, " noooooooooo". It's hard for us to not burst out laughing when he does that.

Meet the girl in person before you work out how to approach it.

She may be thinking, " Gee whiz, dad's got another one hooked. Why can't he just settle down with someone for once.", and she'll be your biggest fan after you get to know one another.

Kids can be pretty well adjusted in these seperated days.

Take the plunge and see where everything stands first before deciding a strategy.

[vashti]

I cannot see any 14 year old girl being okay with her father marrying a 20 year old. I just can't. Her new "step monster" is going to be closer to the daughter's age than her father's.

Trust me, it won't fly. Maybe it would with a son (still doubtful), but not with a daughter.

[Doc Durian]

There's a 10.5 year difference between my son's mother and I, Vashti.

Not far off from 14.

She's older, but man oh man.... is she looking the goods these days. She's got her 29 year old body back recently and being Celtic.... has also kept the great skin. Nevermind that she's typically Australian and needs to have monthly pyramid scheme name tags affixed to her chest in order to cope with what normally mental stated sorts easily cast off their shoulders. (That's why I left her... no internal confidence. She still needs to be part of a sanctioned " program" in order to function, even a parasitic door to door system, half confidently.)

I would get with someone 10-15 years less in age if they were sane, and my son would be far happier than if I said, "yo, kiddo.... I could eat off of your mum's tight butt these days. She's one yummy mummy milf. Do you mind if we knock the boots for one or two nights?"

He'd be mortified.

Whether we asked or just did it regardless of how he felt. Totally mortified..

On the rare occasions where I bring a gal around for them to meet, he's cool with it. He wouldn't facebook with them beforehand because he's a bit shy and absorbed in his own coming of age life.

Fair enough.

The threadstarter has to physically and verbally connect before they should start worrying about the rest. It may be like Vashti says.... a difficult situation.... or it may be like mine.... far too easy.

Take a breath and see what happens. You may be pleased with how perfect it all is, even if you encounter initial misgivings on the teen's part.

[vashti]

There's a 10.5 year difference between my son's mother and I, Vashti.

Not far off from 14.

You must be getting sleepy, my friend! There are 24 years between the original poster and her boyfriend, not 14. Most teenagers would find that humiliating and outrageous, but you could be right. Maybe his daughter is the exception.

I wouldn't count on it, though.

[IndiReloaded]

[SIZE="3"]
And yes, I know many of you will post nothing but flames on here about how my bf is too old, but rest assured, I really don't care, it's not going to change my mind about him. We are in love and I am not attracted to men my age. I have no interest in men under 40.

Do you have an actual question? You haven't posted it yet if so.

Assuming you aren't a troll, I think under the circumstances you are extremely foolish to request her as a friend on Facebook. You are walking into the lions den and will be eaten alive, by her friends if not her. Men over 40 are simply using you, or working out daddy issues of their own. There is very little chance he finds you interesting as a person, as you are just entering the years where you will develop depth of personality. Think about it: what do you offer? No career, no real life experience, probably a disturbed childhood is my guess. Still, since you don't seem capable of viewing your situation objectively, it will be an interesting life lesson for you. Go, Drama Creators of the Universe!

[Junket]

Haha, you're 20 f*cking years old.

Jesus, you're younger than I am, and I still consider myself young and immature.

Everything Vashti said is right.

Christ, 20 years old...I can't even tell you how much I've grown in my 3 years since then.

[Mish]

I really need some advice on how to get to know here better and to gain her acceptance despite the age gap, which she SAYS she's fine with. I hope that's true.

It will be very difficult. She will most likely look at you as a peer not as a step mom.

[vashti]

actually, if the girl looked at her as a peer, that would be a huge improvement over what I am envisioning.

[Lipp]

Trust me, it won't fly. Maybe it would with a son (still doubtful), but not with a daughter.

If it was a son he'd probably try to hit that.

[vashti]

If it was a son he'd probably try to hit that.

i think an adolescent son might be initially impressed and jealous, but later resentful and bitter.