human irrationality: instability and detachment :)

[lenz]

Hello, and nice to meet you all

I'll breafly introduce my situation. I am in a limbo relationship push-pull style with my ex girlfriend. We are on a long distance 'relationship' but in a few weeks she will be moving in my city and we will start see each other on a daily basis and will see what will happen.

We're on this limbo already from 10 months, and officially not together, during which at the beginning she was the one going after me and asking for proofs of love and commitment, then we had some silence, after which I decided to give her what she wanted. And guess what? it has been 5 months of continous commitment actions from my side, but all she keeps on saying is: when I will come there we will see .... and a mix of detachment, indifference, sarcasm

The annoying thing is that I am clearly witnessing what's happening: when I was ignoring her, she was after me, then I started to give her what she wanted and in return she started to act superior, detouched but still friendly.
I keep on making the mistake of contacting her first, initiating all the communications, sent her gifts, some of which quite important and meaningful, visit her, making all the necessary actions to show her how much I care.

And in return I am getting this genuine careless, friendly and bit sarcastic attitude. The more i give her stability the more she gets stronger and acts detouched.

I did let her understand that my feelings for her are conditioning my ability to take decisions... cause it is true in a way.

Why do I need to get into this push and pull game now? I really didn't want to, but it looks like the only way to rebalance the relationship on my side is to start with the indifference behaviour, make her insecure about me and vulnerable.

I know it will be damn hard for me to act indifferent and silent, but I have to give her this big time uncertainties and fear of loosing me in order to get her back in track.

I know she has feelings for me, but she is perfectly playing the detached role at the moment, and she is winning.
And I do remember clearly when she was after me and insecure... then from the moment I gave her what she needed, she transformed herself and here we are.

Why we humans are so attracted by those who show detachment skills???


Inputs are very welcome!
Thank you!

[Doc Durian]

We like to be persued.

[RightSaidNed]

I honestly think you need to consider this carefully.

From what I understand, she's frequently demanding tokens of your affection, but not returning any herself? This sounds like a red flag to me. If she really likes you, she should be trying to make sure you feel wanted. Though this push-pull thing might work, I still recommend thinking carefully about this - maybe see what things are like when she arrives in your city...

Also, stand up for yourself abit. "Sorry, but I'm too busy with my own stuff to visit you this weekend", etc.

[lenz]

RightSaidNed , thank you.

No she is not really demanding affection from me since I started to give her what she wanted: total attention and actions, since I started doing that she is acting cool, with this superficial attitude but still friendly. I suffer all this becaise I clearly opened up myself after our past porblems but she still plays hard to get.

I thought that those push-pull games were a teenage thing but unfortunatelly I see as the only way to make a a bell ring on her head on the fact that she might loose me. Starting from today I am going to stop my daily attentions, although will play cold friendly if she writes or call me. And this is the thoughest thing, it would be easier just to shut the door on her face letting her understand that I am pissed off, but by doing that she will feel even more important, so I have to use this subdle careless strategy...

Can u believe this? at 35 y.o.? but I dont see any other way out... I tried to explain things directly look, dont u see that I gave u what u wanted? we are going to be fine! but guess what, she got this sufficent attitude then.

[Doc Durian]

Sounds like a daddy's little girl.