A New Opportunity and Still Not Happy?

[ChristianonLI]

So last week I started talking to this woman I met via Chemistry.com. Nice girl, she's 33 (I'm 31) with a great job and her own house. She lives about an hour's drive away from me and we've been chatting online and over the phone for the past several days. She's reasonably attractive and, much to my surprise, is interested in a lot of the same things as I am. Up to this point she is entirely aware of my job (night shift at a 7-Eleven) and my living situation (an apartment in my parents' house). So far after knowing these two things she's still talking to me which is awesome considering how much of a turnoff such things must naturally be to women. Needless to say I am still treading lightly. We've not yet gone out on our first date but I expect that to be happening within the week.

I really like her, yet...I'm not happy. It already feels like a much more compatible match than my ex-wife was yet...I'm just not happy. I see and recognize the things that would make us more compatible yet I don't "feel" it. Maybe because we haven't met face to face first, I don't know. However, I still check my ex's Facebook often and wonder WTF went wrong. I still pray and wish that her and I could somehow rekindle our lost relationship and go back to the way things were, the way I genuinely feel God and the universe meant them to be. Is this normal? Am I just not over my ex? Would I be doing this new woman a great injustice by pursuing her without being entirely rid of the attachment I still have for my ex? Will I ever be able to free myself of this attachment I have to my ex? Is a new woman more compatible with me the very thing I need to complete the detachment? Or should I just resign myself to staying deliberately single the rest of my life as a show of solidarity for the promise I made my ex at our wedding just a few short months ago, the promise of staying true to her, devoted to her and swearing to never think of another until the day I died?

I just don't know what to do. At some point past relationships are going to come up in conversation and I really don't know quite how I would explain my failed marriage to her. Naturally she'd take everything I said with a grain of salt and wonder just what I might be glossing over to make myself look good. To counteract this I could emphasize the mistakes I made but that could only put doubts into her mind about what a relationship with me would result in. And of course to even tell the story with any accuracy I would have to reveal my affinity for World of Warcraft.

It's odd. Why would this woman still be talking to me knowing I wasn't as successful as her? Oh sure I told her my goal was to eventually be store manager where I work (which has already been guaranteed to me within the year) and over the next few years save up and attempt to purchase a store of my own, but that's not really a "reaching for the stars" goal. That's more of a "settling for what I've been given" goal. I just don't get why this woman would still be talking to me when, over the last few months, so many wholly rejected me after brief conversations. Did I just find a one in a million? Or another loony? Or am I just entirely overanalyzing considering we haven't even been on a first date yet?

[starbuck]

You only got married a few short months ago and now she's your ex-wife? What happened there?

It sounds like it might be too soon for you to be dating again.

P.S. Don't stay single out of some duty to keep marriage vows you made to your ex. That's ridiculous. You deserve future happiness in a new relationship regardless.

[ChristianonLI]

I'll PM you and give a brief synopsis of what happened. I don't feel like boring the whole forum with the story yet again :-P

[starbuck]

Better yet, post a link to your original story and that way other posters who might have missed it have a context.

[ChristianonLI]

The thread no longer exists on this forum. When the new year hit they wiped all forum posts prior to 2010. Plus, I've done so much bitching about this in the last few months I think almost anyone who is anyone on this forum already knows the whole story.

[starbuck]

OMG, I had no idea that the archive before 2010 didn't exist anymore. This is news to me. Oh well, I don't care to visit any of my old bad relationship threads anymore anyway

I got your PM and browsed through some of your recent posts. I don't come here as regularly, as I used to so sometimes threads slip through the cracks for me.

From what I've read, you definitely need to give yourself more time to get over your ex. A couple of days ago you were still posting about how heartbroken you are. Dating another woman could be a positive step towards moving on, but a small one. I think it sounds like you still need to do alot of the hard work of moving on first. That includes not being so hard on yourself about what happened in your marriage because you could end up bringing that baggage into future relationships.

In the meantime, seriously work on getting over the ex. No more checking her facebook or trying to figure out what went wrong. Focus on yourself and your future goals. And work towards realizing that often the person we THINK we're meant to be with isn't at all who we end up with.

[Midgey]

It sounds like it might be too soon for you to be dating again.

P.S. Don't stay single out of some duty to keep marriage vows you made to your ex. That's ridiculous. You deserve future happiness in a new relationship regardless.

I agree with the above, give yourself time

[ChristianonLI]

The last few days I have in fact been feeling a little better. Calmer, not quite so lost and disgusted with myself. I don't know if it has to do with this woman or what but I'm slowly coming to the painful realization my ex just wasn't right for me. I don't want to come to that realization and for the last few months I've been refusing it. But I guess I don't really have a choice. I always was so certain I'd never have to deal with the heartbreak. I'd been so close to avoiding it forever but it still happened and in the worst possible way.