It's been 5 days, and it hurts, but I cant give up

[chrismarc]

(Sorry for the huge post)

Hi all,

So, I have been seeing a girl for about 10 years. We met in Middle school, when we were like 11 and were best friends, we went out as boyfriend and girlfriend together as you do at that age in the playground, we were best friends and spent a lot of time together when we were young. Time came of when we were 12/13, we started going out properly and spending time together after school and talking on the phone and internet to each other. It was fun, we enjoyed it so much. We had a perfect balance. I'm 21 and shes 20, and she left me 5 days ago for reasons im going to explain below. We weren't steady for the whole 8-10 years we were going out, we broke up and got back together, dated other people and got back together. We always fighted for the other person, when I broke up with her and told her it was the end and we wouldn't get back together when I was 15/16 she would fight so hard to show me how much she cared for me and it was meant to be.

Last year, she moved in with me and my mum, and my 2 brothers, she didn't like living at home with her mum, even though her mum was upset her leaving, I said she could live with me, so she's been living with me for about 9-10 months now until 5 days ago.

We broke up 2 years ago for 5-6 months, in this time we immediately said we'd be friends (more I said it..So i could keep contact with her, and see her, talk to her...I felt better talking to her etc. and she felt she could talk to me still, probably isn't the best thing to do, but it took away our pain I think, thats why it was nice, and i said it didn't hurt, and it wasn't cruel, even though it hurt a thousand times more, but the time with her and talking to her was nice, it was filling that void).

5-6 months went by and she had a new relationship, and I had another relationship. I began to feel feelings for this new girl and she told me she had strong feelings for the other guy, we both dated for about the same length and started dating at the same time. It was about 3 months, maybe 4 and then we both were invited to a birthday party of a friend of both of us, we both were drunk and we ended up sharing a taxi home together, and feelings bonded again from there, we spoke the morning after and then we met up, slept together a few times and had a great time together, we decided to give it another go, and thats when we got back together).

I say all that because of what I'm about to say next, and how it relates to it. We broke up last time for a few problems. She is a shy and attractive girl, I trust her 100% but it's other people I don't trust, I know it takes 2 people to tango, but i never liked the idea of other lads talking to her and trying things on, even though she'd reject them. She went out a few times with her friends and she'd come home upset, guys were looking at her etc, I was like it's okay, you should appreciate it, you're beautiful afterall etc. So, this went on, and the more times she went out I was beginning to send her text messages more and more when she was out, sort of checking up on her to see if she was alright, sometimes I'd show up at the pub's she was at with my friends and then spend the rest of the night with her, I didn't like her friends and it was kind of hard to speak and get to know them, even just for her sake.

The friends she hung around with were two faced, and they didn't care, when we broke up they used her house to have parties etc and then would vanish when it came to tiding up, she'd call me sometimes and ask me to go over. I went over and helped cleaned up, looked after her all night and tended to her every need. The next few days we'd talk and I'd go over, we'd watch a film and end up sleeping together, and talking about our relationship etc. and what went wrong.

She knows how unhealthy we were, that's why we broke up a few years ago and were apart for so long, went with other people, that was really it when she left me last time. It totally feels like it was then to how it is now, blocking me out and telling me not to get my hopes up.

Another problem is - She moved in with me, after not being happy at home and we began to spend most of our time together, we went out, but her friends were mine now, she didn't hang around with any of her, and she can see the blokes she used to hang around with just wanted to get into her pants, which she's not that type of person in her defence.

But, living with my parents too, me and her would be in my bedroom 24/7, we'd go out and I'd drive late at nights and we'd go for meals, and go to the cinema, when she first began living with me.. The months went by her living with me and we didn't communicate anymore, we got into a routine of her going to university, me going into university, then when we got home she'd make dinner and then I'd be on the computer, she'd be on hers or watching the tv, and I'd only ever watch tv with her when shows came on I liked to watch, now and again I'd watch stuff she asked me to, but I didn't make the effort much.

We stopped communicating and our time was all spent together. This is obviously unhealthy and she noticed that too, this is why we broke up a few year ago, when we got back together we ignored the problem and got back into the same routine!! We didn't address the issues and because we never talked to each other recently, we didn't know how one another felt.

I began to get snappy with her, because I was sick of being in the room all the time and ended up doing not anything interesting together.

She planned last week to move out to go live with her dad, and they'd take out all her belongings when I was at university (this week one day) and when I got home, she'd break up with. However, I found out this plan by messages she sent to one of our friends, a guy that has his own house etc. But he wants to move, and his sister wants to share a house with him, in the past all 4 of us have spoken about getting a house together, rented, while we are in university etc.

So she told him about the plan, she seen my friend the night before web roke up, and talked about what was happening, and told him not to tell me, that putting him in an awkward position, but he never told me. I found out by viewing a message on her facebook inbox, I checked because I knew something wasn't right and that something was going on behind my back. (I trust both my friend and her they wouldn't do anything together etc. So dont think that either of the two). But they had similar interests lately, me and my ex used to go out clubbing and enjoy getting drunk, dancing, but she didn't enjoy it so much anymore, mainly because she doesn't like being around guys and drinking, loud music etc. Thats what I understand anyways, but if we were invited to go out, she'd not come out, but I sometimes would, and she'd do something with my friend who also isn't a parting guy etc. It doesn't bother me not going out - I would liked to have because she would be with me, and sometimes when I'd go without her, it's just because I'm upset she doesn't want to go out etc. and I had set my hopes up on going out etc.

Well, she left and I have been sending a thousand emails. I baked her fairy cakes the other day since that was something we used to do together, well she more or less made them, I just mixed the stuff in the bowl etc.. She was a good cook and liked to cook for me, but I didn't really put much attention into helping her cook or asking to help, I took her for granted mainly.

I recorded myself baking the cakes and talked my way through when I was doing them, I put the video on a dvd and left them at her door a few days ago. The same day I had been invited to the pub with a few friends I hadn't seen in a while. An occasion she'd come to, and sh told me before going that she was home alone at her dads, so when i got to the pub, an hour or so after being there i said can i come around and keep you company etc.

She said she didn't think it was a good idea, and that we'd only end up kissing. But I said I'd come round as friends. So she decided I could go around and see her, i went around and we watched a few films, and some tv, it was about 4am, she was tired and I asked if I should go home, so I did. We had a great time watching movies, catching up the past 2 or 3 days, really had a laugh and we showed each other we can have fun together.

It was the next morning, I went round unexpected to give her something i found at my house, while I was on my way to get some food. It was early, about 9am. I asked if I could go in again, so I went in and i spent the whole day with her, I ended up leaving at like 4pm that day, but during the day we had done the same sort of thing.

It felt nice - it was filling that void and making the pain i had go away, she said it was cruel of her to letting me in, but I said it didn't matter, even though, it hurt a million times more when it came to leaving her. We talked during the day, we talked about things that went wrong in our relationship and what it should of been like, we didn't talk serious, it was more from a 3rd person perspective.

Anyways, she said she wasn't happy with the healthy relationship and she needed some time. Now, I just dont know what to do, she went out last night and got really drunk, she got home after being drunk and sending me text messages last night that was so drunk and she was an idiot for getting drunk, (she doesn't like drinking and isn't used to it etc.) so i text her back just asking if she was okay and if she got home safely. I got a few more drunken texts of nothing realy, just letters. It was this morning and i asked her on facebook chat if she was okay etc. and tld he she was texting me, she said sorry for txting, she cant remember, and sorry if she woke me up.

Now, i deactivated my facebook a couple of days to try give her space, and then today it deactivated itself again, on its own and she emails me, asking why i was blocking her and unblocking, it was the second time this week, so shes obviously watching my profile.

She is at a concert now - and she keeps ringing me, all I can hear is the performer signing songs, they are deep songs, and one was The Climb by Joe Mceldery? Shes rang me about 7 times, not said anything i can just hear, then the phone goes off, like shes hanging up, and then ringing me back like a few minutes later. I hung up the last call and she hasnt rang back since (few minutes ago).

I just dont know what to do - I give her time I dont want her to hide her feelings and think she is over me. I believe she is the love of my life.

Hmm It hurts so much.

EDIT: She just text me again - concert finishing telling me that she was ringing and letting me listen to the songs because I liked the songs. Hmm..

[cmacattack1]

Trying to do this just to end your hurt and fill your void is a terrible and selfish thing to do. I'm not saying you don't love her and you don't care about her, but trying to be with her because she is the only person you have ever known and NEED her in your life is making so dependent it's scary.

If you know what you have is unhealthy and she doesn't want to be with you anymore, you have to just let her go and let her be. It hurts not to have her in your life and the longer you guys have known and spent together, the stronger the bond and the more it hurts. You guys always get back together but nothing ever permanently changes. Some time apart could do you some good to help balance you out more and put some attention into the other parts of your life that are suffering from spending all this time with her. See where you are in a few months and take it from there.