I don't understand her, but I really want to. Help!

[NorthernGuy]

I've been dating a woman for a few months now. Right at the start she told me she wanted to take it slowly, and has never been in a relationship before.

I haven't seen her for about a month, due to the fact I was out of the country for three weeks, and she's been very busy at work since I got back. We've kept in contact through texts and emails, though. She doesn't like talking on the phone (not just me, friends too).

The week before I went away, we spent the day together at my house, and ended up cuddling and stroking on the sofa, for the first time.

Anyway, about two weeks ago, the texts got less frequent and it was taking her anything up to a day to reply to mine. I tried to bring this up in a lighthearted way, at one point, but she just laughed, and said that just because she doesn't reply to a text for a day or so, doesn't mean she's fallen off the end of the Earth.

Two days after I got home (last Sunday) she was supposed to be spending the day with me, at my house again, but I got a text the night before, saying she was tired, and asking if we could do something during the week instead? To be fair, she had just finished a six-day shift, but this had been arranged for a while, and I thought she'd be looking forward to seeing me.

I tried to call the next morning, and didn't get a reply, so I texted instead, trying to make another date and ask her to make sure it was a definite. I did this as tactfully as possible, but wanted to get my point across, as she's canceled at the last minute on other occasions.

Well, she texted back, and seemed pretty mad, telling me she's young, and laid back, and does not want her life timetabled (she's quite a bit younger than me). I texted back to say I understand what she wants, and was looking forward to seeing her again. I also said that we seemed to be coming from two different, but equally valid directions, and would be grateful if she'd meet me halfway.

I tried to phone later, but got a short, quite rude reply, saying she was in bed with a headache, and wanted some quiet. A few minutes later she texted again, to apologise for being rude. Later still, she offered to chat online the following day, at a time of my choice. I suggested 11am.

11am came, and went, and she didn't show, so I logged off and went out. I heard nothing from her until that evening, saying she slept in, and was sorry she missed me. Not wanting to appear needy, I said it was ok, as I'd had to go out early and wasn't online either.

So, a few texts later, and she arranges a chat for 8pm last night. Again, she doesn't show. I texted her after an hour, and logged off. Two hours after that she told me she'd just got in from work, and they'd had to do an inventory check, which she'd forgotten about.

I was annoyed that she hadn't texted to tell me beforehand, but let it slip. Instead, I texted, "If you still want a relationship with me, how about we get it back on track? I'm thinking dinner and a movie at the weekend. How about it?". It was midnight by this point, and she texted back that it sounded like a good idea, but as she works in retail, she's busy every day over the holiday weekend, until late. Could I wait until she got her work schedule for next week, and then we's sort something out.

I heard nothing for about 22 hours, and sent her a short text, which she replied to, saying she hasn't got her schedule yet, but should have it soon. I replied, and heard nothing after that.

I feel I need to point out that I'm pretty astute, and am 100% sure she's not lying to me. I'm also very confident she's not seeing anyone else. I think she's one of those people for whom the world ends when they have to work a few days, and normality goes out of the window. And finally, she often says she has headaches, and I believe that too. What I do wonder is how much it's psychosomatic, and if it mostly happens when she's due to see me.

What I can't understand is how she can say she's interested in me, and wants a relationship, and yet flake on so many dates and chats. From my past experience, she's acting like she's not interested. A few times (not too often, don't want to look needy), I've said something like, "There are lots of things you do, that make me think you're not interested in me. If that's the case, please let me know. I'd rather know about it, than not." She just says she is interested, and it's a male-female communication thing.

It's driving me nuts! I'm not getting any younger, and this will soon have taken me out of the dating game for six months. I promised her I'd be exclusive, but it's getting harder not to look for other relationship prospects.

Oh, and the reason I'm trying to make it work with her is that we have so much in common, to the point that it freaked us out a bit at first, and we used to joke about having a blood test before it went too far :-)

I've never met anyone I have such a connection with. Male or female. This could be a GREAT relationship, if only she would get with the program, and not mess me around so much.

I realise there's a lot of detail here, but I felt I needed to give it. If anyone can offer insights into her behavior, I'd be very grateful!

Thanks in advance,

NG

[Doc Durian]

Maybe she has poor time management skills, maybe she's a workaholic or has money issues and needs to work whenever she can get extra work... maybe she's only halfheartedly interested in you because you're both so similar, it's scary yet not romantic enough for her expectations...


Whatever it is, she continues to miss dates, times, and engagements with you... and you continue to pursue her despite it, and with clingy type of sentiments (maybe not clingy in your mind... but she could be seeing it as such)

Back off... she's not holding herself to the budding relationship.

Let her know that you think she's great in so many ways but if you can't date (for whatever legitimate or else wise reasons), you have to live your life and move on. Wish her the best and never contact her again unless she makes a commitment and sticks to it this time. Don't pressure her, don't try to play her. Listen to what she says and either accept or decline.

[lahnnabell]

I agree with Doc. Her saying she's interested may be more her way of saying she's enjoying being pursued 'cause who the hell doesn't enjoy that from time to time? You say she's younger, so perhaps she's not entirely sure of what she really wants right now despite what she tells you.

You say you're not getting any younger... well then find a girl who can make dates and stick to them. Sounds like this girl isn't ready for what you want whether she knows it or not.

[Mia123]

She can't or won't find time to date you but wants you to be exclusive. That's pretty selfish. We only have one crack on the earth so make the most of it and get out there give yourself to meet someone who does want to spend time with you. Let her know that and leave any further contact to here. Then go out and have a good time :-)

I had the same situation with a guy I met on online dating.. it sucked!

[NorthernGuy]

Thank you, everyone. It's made things much clearer, just having a few people offer their perceptions.

I'm now considering my options, and will probably send a text or email, something along the lines of what Doc suggested.

xxx

[originalsince85]

From everything you've said... not having had a previous relationship, not like talking to people on the phone, long working hours, and lack of communication... It sounds to me like she simply suffers from a lack of social skills.

OK maybe people don't like talking on the phone but when your in a relationship and you havent seen somebody for
4 weeks it seems a bit extreme.

Unfortunately I don't have any advice, but I wouldn't worry that she's not interested etc because she obviously just doesn't know how to communicate well. Which may drive you nuts, but anyone with a lack of social skills will do that.

Good luck bud!

[sookie6]

Aside from her lack of social skills can we not just say that she does not seem to care once and for all.

Being shy or feeling awkward socially does explain her lack of consideration when she did not even show up online!

I'm wondering what is making you clinging on like this? Do you believe that you won't find someone else?

Believe me you're better off by yourself or hanging out with friends than in a relationship with so little giving on her part.

You say you have a lot in common but at the same time seem both unable to build on this common grounds.

Some people have NOTHING in common but still succeed in finding happiness together because they have the will to do it.

Your girl is non commital right now.

[the_doggoned]

in my very blunt opinion, if you left for 3 weeks out of the country and you hadn't seen each other is a month - if she liked you as much as you like her, she would have been so excited to see you that she would have made it an effort to make sure to get together with you. i'm not saying that she doesn't like you, but she definitely doesn't like you as much as you like her. i'm thinking the both of you are just on totally different pages. maybe she's not the one for you?

[NorthernGuy]

Well, I put off sending the text, because as I was writing it, she sent one to me, asking if I'd like to chat online. We just did, and it was ok. Took a while to get it flowing though, after taking time out.

Still waiting for her work schedule, and she has three weeks to do some college work she's been putting off. I have a bad feeling I'm going to come second to that, but hopefully, she'll get the message and arrange a date during the week.

[NorthernGuy]

Just wanted to post an update. She's been messing me around again, e.g. taking more than a day to respond to texts, and missing another arranged online chat.

I texted her tonight, along the lines that Doc suggested. Got a reply in about three minutes, "For goodness sakes! I was reading my thesis, not ignoring you :-( I didn't realise we were in a rush to chat. I'm online now".

So, we chatted on MSN, and I got to find out more about what's been going on. She said she's been backing off a bit, because I insist on organizing things down to the last detail. All I do is try to arrange dates, and fix a date and time. This is how I've done things in every other relationship so far, and how my friends and I function! I have a feeling that if I didn't take the initiative, I'd hardly see her.

She said she feels like I really want a relationship rather than her as a person, and I'm pushing it rather than letting things develop. She says when she backs off I push more.

She then went on to say, "I look at you, and I see a friend. I like you, but it's not love, and I can't force that. I was thinking that over time it might develop, because solid relationships can form from friendship. I know you're a good person. I know I have flaws, but I just want to slow things down. I want us to forget relationships and enjoy being friends so that if something develops, it can develop naturally. And if something doesn't develop, I don't want that to be a huge deal because friends are nothing to be disappointed about".

I thought she was saying "Let's just be friends", and then said I assumed she wasn't wanting me to be exclusive at this point. She then got angry with me, saying "You see, that's exactly it. I say I want to take things slowly and see how they develop, and you ask me about being exclusive. If you wanted me you wouldn't ask that question. It tells me you don't really want me. You just want a relationship."

Well, I've managed to smooth things over, and we're meeting for coffee next week, but I don't really understand where to take it from here. As I read it, she just wants to be friends for now, but for me not to date, or sleep with anyone else. It doesn't make sense to me.

I think the world of her, and want only to be with her, but if it's not going anywhere, I need to call it a day.

Can anyone shed some light on this please? I have no idea what she's trying to tell me!

[lahnnabell]

Ugh. She's trying to say something, but she's using a lot of babble to explain it. Sounds like she doesn't want a relationship. HOWEVER, your expectation that a person will stick to times and dates is reasonable and something I would expect of any of my friends. The fact that she doesn't respect that other people might work on a more precise time table shows that she is immature and a tad selfish. I think you should give her A LOT of space. Stop chasing her. If she reciprocates and tries to initiate contact, then go from there. If you don't hear from her, assume it is a lost cause. You may not get official closure on this one and may be forced to shut the door yourself. Sorry, dude.

[VincenzoG91]

Google "Myers-Briggs" sometime for an interesting read. I won't info-dump the details on you here, but understand that some people don't share your outlook about schedules and deadlines. When you get to reading about Myers-Briggs, you will see that you're a "J" and this lady is a "P."

I'm like you, I like to plan ahead and agree upon a time to talk or a time to meet, and then stick to it. I even tend to show up slightly early for appointments and sit in my car waiting a bit, just to avoid being late. I also like when situations are clearly defined and everybody knows where things stand.

So it sometimes bugs me, but my girlfriend is the opposite. She prefers impulsive action and loosely-defined situations. She resents deadlines and is often late. This used to be really aggravating for me and caused numerous arguments, until I realized that she wasn't being deliberately disrespectful, she was just being herself.

So this woman may seem like she is treating you callously, but she is uncomfortable with specific timing or labels like "boyfriend" or "girlfriend." She may or may not end up getting really serious with you, but the odds are better if you can appreciate her for who she is without trying to force her to be like you.

[NorthernGuy]

Google "Myers-Briggs" sometime for an interesting read. I won't info-dump the details on you here, but understand that some people don't share your outlook about schedules and deadlines. When you get to reading about Myers-Briggs, you will see that you're a "J" and this lady is a "P."

Thanks I came out as ENFP. Very strong F, strong N, average E, but only marginal P (one more point and I'd be J).

So it sometimes bugs me, but my girlfriend is the opposite. She prefers impulsive action and loosely-defined situations. She resents deadlines and is often late. This used to be really aggravating for me and caused numerous arguments, until I realized that she wasn't being deliberately disrespectful, she was just being herself.

What did you have to do (either yourself, or with her) to get to the point where her behavior was ok? This sounds exactly like the girl I'm seeing.

[NorthernGuy]

Ugh. She's trying to say something, but she's using a lot of babble to explain it. Sounds like she doesn't want a relationship. HOWEVER, your expectation that a person will stick to times and dates is reasonable and something I would expect of any of my friends. The fact that she doesn't respect that other people might work on a more precise time table shows that she is immature and a tad selfish. I think you should give her A LOT of space. Stop chasing her. If she reciprocates and tries to initiate contact, then go from there. If you don't hear from her, assume it is a lost cause. You may not get official closure on this one and may be forced to shut the door yourself. Sorry, dude.

Thanks for your reply I think I might have to leave it for a week or two, or even if she does get in touch with a possible time for us together, say I'm busy that day, and ask when else she's free.

I'm beginning to wonder if we have different definitions of 'friends' and 'relationship', i.e. friends is purely platonic to me, whereas she might see physical intimacy as part of that. I think all the intimacy comes at the 'relationship' level, and she might see that as just another level of commitment. Got to find out.

[VincenzoG91]

Thanks I came out as ENFP. Very strong F, strong N, average E, but only marginal P (one more point and I'd be J).



What did you have to do (either yourself, or with her) to get to the point where her behavior was ok? This sounds exactly like the girl I'm seeing.

I'm ENTJ, though just barely J. My girlfriend is ISTP, though just barely I. In the end, I gave up on getting her to okay behavior. If something is really important to me, I drive separately. If something is really important to her, she may still be slightly late despite her best efforts. Because of other problems that she has run into, at work and in school and dealing with other people, she has gradually gotten better. And she now sets all of her clocks 15 minutes ahead to trick herself into being on time. The only clock in our apartment that tells the correct time is my alarm clock.

Oh, and I learned to stop trying to label things around her or extract firm promises. I completely trust her and know that she is a good person trying to the right thing, so I just go with that and wait for things to become so obvious that no label is necessary.