Too Ugly to Meet Me: The Mystery of the Lying Cameras

[Baffled]

Hi ladies,

I'm in a bit of a bind and would love to hear your opinions on this situation. I met a girl on a chatroom about a month ago and get on really well with her, recently we've been talking on msn a lot and to top it all off she only lives about 5 miles away from me. I'm not particularly into the idea of forming online relationships and from the offset i've been trying to make things more organic, by texting her instead of talking online etc and she's responded well to all of this and there had been strong hints throughout our conversations that we'd both like to meet. Last week I proposed we meet sometime this weekend if she was free, she seemed positive but said she needed to check her calendar. I didn't want to be pushy so i waited a few nights before i asked her again - when she said she still needed to check I thought something wasn't right, if she really wanted to meet me she'd know by now, i thought. So I asked her if she was still up for it - she said she wasn't sure because, she claims, she's dead different in real life, but not personality wise: appearance wise.

I've seen several photos of her and she's been on webcam before my very eyes. She claims very seriously that I won't recognise her and that all her pictures look nothing like her "They might as well be someone else" - i've seen her on cam as i say and it's definitely her, but she openly admits she has incredibly low self esteem and said that she would love to meet me - if she looked the way she did in the pictures. I can't understand what her issue is: a photograph is an accurate representation of your appearance, is it not? Yes, there are good ones and bad ones but they cannot completely change your appearance. She's definitely an attractive girl but is convinced I'd be really surprised seeing her. Does this sound like an authentic concern to you ladies or does this sound like someone with incredibly low self esteem who convinces herself her good pictures don't actually look like her. She talks about over exposure and the pictures being played with etc, but i've even seen a spontaneous one of her with her friends, a full body one is well (as i suspected she might be thinking of her weight) Basically all I need to know is could she possibly be right in what she says? Is this someone I want to get involved with? Before this she's seemed like a perfectly balanced person

Thanks a lot,

Baffled



EDIT: I should probably also mention that she's talked to a couple of people from her school online before, both of them claiming not to recognise her and being very surprised when they realised who she actually was (which she claims she'd be naive not to take to mean that she's uglier in real life)

[vashti]

I don't know what the problem could be; it seems if she was on web-cam with you, she should be a little more confident that she hasn't repelled you.

In any case, if you are wanting to develop a normal relationship, it doesn't sound like she's a good candidate. You might want to lay your cards on the table about needing to meet in person, and if she is still unwilling to meet, then move on.

[sookie6]

What is the reasong why you have let this relationship develop? I am sure it's because at some point you wanted to meet with her and vice versa.

If there's no gonna be a real life date then I'd say 'time to move on'.

I have dated men that I met online in the past. And the basis is you exchange photo very early if not the first time so that the physical aspect is settled.

Then you chat online, then you phne each other but very quickly (to me within 2 weeks you decide to meet). Letting it drag on and on is not fair for the relationship as NOTHING will ever replace meeting for real.


There was one man O chatted on line with and who kept making excuses when I asked for pics. I never received one but I met him for a coffee because I liked hims loads personality wise.

Alas, not only did he turn unattractive but he also did not make any effort dressing up, getting a hear cut. Anyway, I am saying this just to tell you that even though you might think that you like her a lot and that looks do not matter when reality stikes it is very different.

So arrange for a real date and if she backs off move one.

Now if she is really struglling with confidence issue don't go turning into her shrink. I mean it's now or never. Noone can hide forever on the internet.

Make or break.

[Baffled]

Thanks guys, I'm fairly sure she will seriously consider meeting me. Last night I said to her if she could tell me without doubt that she would never meet me that I wouldn't want to keep talking to her online or via text. I just need to make sure I take control of the situation and make her feel as comfortable as possible when I do meet her. I wonder, what would be the best way of approaching someone who's expecting you to find them hideous in real life? She says she's quiet and shy at first, perfectly understandable.

You're right, though, if moving things off the net takes too long then I do just need to forget about her, and I'm perfectly willing to do that should it happen.

[the_robot]

. I wonder, what would be the best way of approaching someone who's expecting you to find them hideous in real life? She says she's quiet and shy at first, perfectly understandable.

First of all, she could look different in real life and in photos, I know this is a fact because I do. In photos I look A LOT better than in real life (lights & shadows play tricks).

And about the quote, do you like her because of her looks? If not, you should make it clear you like her because of other things, so she gets more confident you won't reject her because of her looks.

[Gigabitch]

Why is she posting photos that misrepresent what she actually looks like? That's a little odd.

You know where she goes to school, right? Go there. Check her out.

[Baffled]

You're right, so far the emphasis has been on her appearance simply because that's what she placed it on, rather than trying to tell her otherwise i should come at it from the angle that it doesn't matter to me, therefore shouldn't matter to her when she meets me

[Baffled]

Gigabitch, the photos shes shown me are the ones on her facebook, i dont think she's deliberately mislead me. As for your suggestion, you mean...stalk her? :L

[Gigabitch]

As for your suggestion, you mean...stalk her? :L

A little bit. Maybe. Do you know where else she goes? Where does she work? Where does she hang out? I don't think you should be creepy about it, but she is being really weird about meeting you. Wouldn't you like to see for yourself?

[Baffled]

I don't think I could live with myself if I did that :L I've seen her on webcam so I'm not sure she could be drastically different, although she does have the cam very close in on her face so you can only see her eyes, nose and chin most of the time. Right now I believe she will meet me though so I can just see for myself. Hopefully that'll make any undercover investigation unnecessary. I was thinking of talking to one of her friends and asking if they thought she looked a lot different in her photos, gather a bit of intelligence.

[sookie6]

Again IT IS NOT YOUR ROLE TO REASSURE HER on something that she should have accepted long ago, that is her looks.

You are already acting on her insecurities and that is not good for you.

You need to start a relationship with someone confident and stable.

[Baffled]

I understand that, but it's rare to find someone without some massive character flaw, isn't it? :/

[sookie6]

Yes Baffled I agree and it's really kind on your part to do your best at this stage.

But from where I'm seating her behaviour is borderling immature...I mean you've talked, exchanged a lot about your lives...and what now?

I can only encourage you to be nice but firm with her. And if she keeps on making silly excuses not to meet you, give her a bit of the infamous NC treatment and she'll be begging for an actual date!

[Baffled]

Ok, I certainly will. She needs to know that it's not meeting that'll ruin it, not us actually getting to know eachother properly and making it something real but it'll be trying to drag it out on the internet, which would only frustrate me. I'd be more than happy to walk away from that. She needs to make a decision.

[Gigabitch]

She's being a royal pain in the ass. If she only knew how unattractive her squirming insecurity is...