Just another break up story, although I would like advice

[Kyouhen]

Well let me give you the basic layout first

I met her my senior year of high school and were best friends for a long time before we started dating which was after my graduation.

She is a year younger then me.

Throughout the relationship I been pretty immature and needy, she literally had to take care of me most of the time, I'm also insecure and paranoid. But through it all we also made it work and even during really bad time, we were still somewhat happy because we had each other.

Moving toward the more present problem.

Last year I was kicked out and became homeless, meaning that because she loved me, she helped me when she could and let me stay with her when she could (she is in college at this point and i still haven't attended a class)

Times were very hard on both of us, keeping a relationship while being a homeless overweight loser is not easy.

But even through then, when I saw no point in staying with me, she would stay by my side.

I was tired, tired of being nothing, tired of letting her down, and regretted that us being so young had to deal with hardships like this, and I wanted her to have more.

So I pleaded with some family to give me another chance and to help me get back on my feat, the only problem was that we would be seperated by more then 7000 miles.

But I felt that by doing this I was making the right choice, fixing myself while letting her live her life without those stresses, I figured at this point we would both do well and endure till i came back which would be a year later. (although it was supposed to be a lot shorter, but due to family demand i have to stay longer)

Things were ok in the beginning, we would talk when we could, web cam and try to be intimate, and it seemed alright, we would have spats about keeping in contact, but due to off times, work, school, and dropped calls, it was a bit hard.

Christmas comes and im working regularly and I dont have much time to talk, send a txt here and there, chat for limited time when we can.

Finally after a few weeks, i call her on new years, the conversation is short and I dont want to keep her from her friends, I wish her a fun night tell her i love her and things seemed fine.

A few days later we chat online, I at this point expected things to be alright and I could finally give her, her christmas present through webcam, but she declines and tells me she thinks "us being in this relationship is hurting our relationship" and that she wanted to take a break.

I was taken aback and freaked a little, asking if i could somehow fix it, the whole ignorant guy shpeel, she says she needs time.

So we talk over the course of a few days, and we come to an agreement of a break

A week passes and I send her an email asking how things are etc... no response, i call leave message upset feeling ignored (which was stupid of me)

From there it gets worse, I start acting desperate feeling that she is replacing me with this guy I didn't like for awhile, who she had grown close to in my absence.

I made the biggest mistake sending her a package for valentines filled with memories and things i had promised her awhile back.

I call on valentines day to ask if she got it with my had written letter explaining how i felt.

Understandably she was livid, she said "These past few weeks you been completely out of control, and that package was really inappropriate, all this time I thought we were going to get back together in the summer, but I dont even think I can do that anymore"

I was pretty shocked, because during that time I felt unsure of where i was with her, and just wanted to really talk about it.

After that I just bide my time leaving her alone, asking for a mutual friend for support because they knew what was going on.

I decide after a week to call asking her how she really felt, and explaining how I really felt, she was pretty much cold and just listened. I asked if it would be alright if we could see each other and she wouldn't give me a real straigh tanswer saying "I dont think it would be a good idea" prior to this we had agreed i would get my stuff face to face with her, but with her saying that i said that i might not make it to the states then, she seemed upset at the notion and said angrilly that she could just mail my things to me or drop them off at my family's.

With monotone i told her the time I would be there and for how long and that I would get them, she agreed and we hung up.

I haven't really talked to her since then, I been going pretty much crazy with my thoughts, and somewhat obsessive, but with a friends help i been working on myself.

Look I know that I am a real mess, and that she deserves better, and that everything I did ruined the relationship. I know I'm a loser and I know I made all the wrong choices, and realistically I have no more chances.

But I love her, I love her with all my heart, all this time I acted idiotically because all I can think of is her

We were together for two and a half years, and longer before that as friends, we were together through the good and bad times, she is my first love and frankly I dont see myself loving anyone else.

I'm a loyal guy, and I know I have many faults, and I come with a lot of baggage, but Im still someone, and I'm willing to do anything to make her happy.

But its a difficult thing to let go, and its difficult having this happen so far away and not being able to really do anything or know anything.

My friend said she wanted me to move on, get a girlfriend, and grow up, and that when I moved on she would talk to me and wants to be my friend.

But Im reluctant to do so, because if its just to make sure nothing is left, and is just clearing her conscious, I know that she really moved on and there is nothing left. But if she really just wanted to be a friend, and valued me still on some level I know I could deal with that better.

But I know that because i love her, friendship is something kind of difficult

I just dont know what to do.

I'm getting better as a person and as a man, and growing up slowly, but I just dont know if there is any point anymore

Do I give in and just try to move on, or do I hold onto my love for her for a chance of meeting her this summer and trying to set things right

I'm not unwilling to change, I'm just childish and stupid

[Kyouhen]

Look I know that I'm only thinking of myself...I'm confused and torn, I know that because of this the best thing to do is let her go and leave her alone, because I'm kinda crazy and a bad person in general, and that if I love her like I say I need to just stop.

But I hope people know, its just not that easy, you can't just go cold turkey...Im missing a key part of me, and all I do now is exist, I don't live

I need some advice some real deep advice please.

[cmacattack1]

You are really beating yourself up about this, your sense of self worth was non-existant and it helped contribute to your unraveling. I can definitely see some resemblesances to our stories, although instead of letting her go, I just dragged her through the mud and subconsciously wanted her to know that I was unworthy. Purposely not doing things she told me she wanted as a point. And with my lifestyle and priorities, I was unworthy. Even this past weekend, I still proved to her I was unworthy with my boorish behavior and totally unreflective of my progress. But it comes to a time when if you felt you were lagging in the relationship, and she cares about you and wants to make it work still, that you either fight or flight. And you ran. Abandoned ship. Took for granted that she would still be there for a year after not seeing you for a while. Not to say you didn't try, but when you don't have them in person, most of the intimacy needs can't be met. My ex went all summer away from school and then when she got back to school with her friends again and met a bunch of new guys, I got less than a month before I got the boot.

But yeah, what has happened has happened. You cannot change how you gotten here, and all the panic things you did to try and take advantage of how she felt before. It's a brutal lesson that life dishes out to you. You probably think "Why couldn't it work out like those couples you see that go through hell and everything together and are still together today?" Truth is those relationships are rarely happy, most stay in them for comfort when they are slowly dying inside. It's totally unrealistic, and we all make mistakes that usually cost us our relationships. The most important part of this is to not let this experience go to waste. Use this as the motivation to make YOU a better person. You know you were a bum and had no job, no education, no future. So now's your chance (if you haven't already). I think a part of you knows that even so, it will never bring her back and your chances of running into her again are slim to none. And it's the truth. But as they say, there are plenty of people in this world for you, and the more motivated and prepared you make yourself now, the more likely you will be ready for that person when they come along. You weren't prepared this time, so be ready the next time.

People like your ex don't just come along every day though, and it's difficult being alone after having the sense of somebody being there for this long a time. You find a way to deal. Before this weekend, I've had zero intimacy for probably around eight months, and the intimacy I had this weekend was just a hook up. Doesn't exactly make you feel like a whole person afterwards, but it is what it is. You find a way to deal, you get used to it, you are numb, etc. But we all find a way to deal, and sulking about it isn't a very good way to do it. Time will make things better and if you are proactive with your time, you can make the most of it and honestly feel some of the self worth that you weren't before.

I wish I had a magic fix it button that you could press that could change everything back to how you want it. But there isn't. You are young, it isn't the end of the world. Life moves on, as does every single person who has gone through a break up like you. As you said, our problems seem to consume us while to everybody else it's trivial. Just like their break ups are trivial to you. You will listen but ultimately it's they who have to pull themself out of it. It's you who has to pull yourself out of this break up as a new, better person.