Said something horrible to my mother..how do I go back...

[sookie6]

Guys

As a grown_up woman I feel I behaved very badly 2 days ago with my mother.

My mother is lovely but encouraging us when growing up has never been her strong point. She has always cared for our material needs (she became a single mother very early) but he's not interested much in who we are and how we react.

Anyway it doesn't really matter now because I am adult but since last year she has been sorta mean on a specific subject.

She does not know why I broke with my ex partner and to her he was this lovely man (I never said anything bad about him to her) and since last year she has put in her mind that I am scared of many things and refuse to go on with my life.

At some level it is probably true. Two years ago I refused 2 jobs for very similar reasons. They both involved working with an extremely difficult boss. But this was at a time when I was still recovering for a very bad patch in my life and I was very fragile psychologically. INstead I took a lower paid admin job that didn't get me anywhere but at least kept me busy while I was re-building myself. As it happened at this I have met there 2 extraordinary women who are role modeles to me and that I feel will remain my friends for a long time.


Now I am feeling very strong and determined to sort my career out. I took a few exams over the last 3 months and succeeded getting the fourth place among 130. Unfortunately there was only 3 positions to take but I am on a waiting list in case of an opening in any hospital of the area (which is unsure but likely).

I am also interviewing for a job as an admin at the local theatre which is developing a fair bit.

These jobs are nothing major but getting work where I live has become tremendesouly difficult and probably I was mad to refuse 2 jobs two years ago just because I could not cope.


My mother resents me for this. She has always seen me strong and indeed my sisters and I are strong women. But 3 years ago I became a mess unexpectedly and many things collapsed at the same time in my life...

So now she keeps telling me that I am a chicken, that I am spineless and never shows any sign of encouragement for anything I do or try to do. When I mentioned that I came fourth at the exam she said (how come 3 people did better?'...


So 2 days ago, she told me a friend of hers wants me to phone her to help her out with something.

I was in a foul mood (the day I receive my exam results) and when I said no she said something about me scared of the world, scared of people, scared of her friends...I became so angry and hateful and I gave her a murdering look and I said ' stop it because when you say this I want to slap you'...


I don't think she has recovered from this yet. For the record I did not slap her and this is the worst thing I've ever said to my mother...I never insulted her in my whole life but I have had enough with her now and at the same time think that to come to this I must have issues.


People what is the worst thing you've told your mom?????

I think I mentioned in another post that I do have anger management problem when something hurts me deeply...I can react quiet aggressively...

Maybe to some people I would not look so bad but given that I am 90% of the time very quiet it can be quite a shock to people who don't know me...I feel bad about it. I am psycho.

[dewilliams2]

Its hard to say...I have a great relationship with my mom so if she is bothering me I tell her to stop and she does...same if I am bothering her....we never get to that point.

I mean if I were you I'd apologize for what you said but tell your mom that you really do need her to consider your feelings and to understand your recovering from a rough stretch and if she can't then you would appreciate it if she just did not comment on your life choices.

I am also a very nice guy and you can push me and push me but when I explode you don't want to be around.

Worst thing I ever said to my mom?...I don't recall....we have never really had any major fights because like I said we never let anything get that far.

[Doc Durian]

My mom accidentally copped a punch meant for my brother when she threw herself in between us once (teenagers). It wasn't full strength, but the situation and the shock of it made her bawl her eyes out.

I felt so bad.

I have never swung at him since.

That's the most horrible thing I can recall.

[Gigabitch]

Sookie, you mother deserved to hear something that would make her back off. She's so awful, anything less probably wouldn't have had much of an effect. The things she's been saying to you are hateful and rotten and I want to slap her too.

[Lipp]

As already mentioned, giving out insults is alot easier than taking them. I wouldn't say sorry, but rather say why she pisses you off and that you won't take it no more. Isn't that what she wanted all along? Backbone.

[vashti]

Why wouldn't you help her friend? Does she ask this of you routinely? Because if it's only once in a while, I don't understand why you wouldn't do that, and I would consider it a provocative stance.

If she's taking advantage of you by routinely asking you to help her friends, then you could have just said something like "I will do it this time, but from now on, I am not handing out my services for free." I have to add that if she routinely asks this sort of thing of you, then it is your fault for not setting up clear boundaries before there was a problem.

You should apologize. She should, too.

[dewilliams2]

No I would apologize because both of you were in the wrong...her more than you but regardless its always good to apologize.

[sookie6]

My mother is old school you know...she doesn't like us complaining or being needy...

For example she never compliments us or praises us for our achivements. She says it's obvious she is proud of us.

When I ask for encouragement she says something like 'I can't cuddle you like a baby can I?'...

Anyway when my sister had her first baby she had a few heated discussions with my mother. She said that now she had a child she realises how important cuddles an attention are important to children and resents my mother for not demonstrating her love to us.

At the time I did not see this, I did not care but it's actually true.

Nobody is perfect and my mother did a very good job raising the four of us by herself. We never lacked of anything and she let us to our own device for many things.

Vashti I'm usually very service minded with anyone but going back to my 'issues' I think that when I'm in a foul and negative mood things get very out of hands very quickly.

I'v apologise and tried to explain my feelings but she says I'm too complicated. This made me burst in tears, which does not happen very often but she did not make a single move to come and comfort me. Now I think anyone would go and comfort someone breaking down, I even do when I don't know the people much at work. But she did not.
Old school.

It's strange because part of me is unhappy about it and another part of me is past caring. Maybe because I am too old to want to work on the relationship with my mother. I think I'll just stay away for a while.

Doc Durian I am pleased you're backkk!!!!!!!!!

[BubbleFreak]

From what you have said your mother has done and said many aweful things to you. Yes, human beings need food and shelter to survive, but to develop into all they can be they need to be loved. Your mother is probably showing her love to you the best way she knows how, but it sounds like you always needed more emotionally. I bet even a simple hug from her would've meant the world.

What you said was wrong, but I can see why you reacted like that. And... it's OK, we all make mistakes. It is sad that when you tried to apologise she rejected you again. I guess it is very hard to change people, your mother is the way she is, but at least you tried to make things right and that makes you a responsible person. I think you have put up with a lot in your life and you are not responsible for what your mother thinks about you, because it is obvious the two of you have big differences and the only right thing you can only do is what makes you happy. Take care of yourself

[sookie6]

thank you Bubble it's very kind. I do have growing emotional needs all the more because I'm single...

I guess that's also why I am on this forum. People here have done more for me than relatives...My close friends are too much a distance away at the moment and I miss them...

But life must go on...

[Mish]

Why wouldn't you help her friend?

She didn't feel like helping her friend because she was in a bad mood. I believe it was the mother rather than the OP who forced the issue and went too far by accusing her of being scared of everything and everyone. That was completely uncalled for. OP's response was reactionary and can be understood. Her mum should've known better.

[vashti]

Vashti I'm usually very service minded with anyone but going back to my 'issues' I think that when I'm in a foul and negative mood things get very out of hands very quickly.

I'm glad you are able to see that your reaction played a role. The thing is, if your mother is used to you behaving a certain way, and then suddenly one day because you are cranky (which she may or may not have been aware of), you behave in a way that is completely unexpected, you can see how she might become lost at knowing how to appropriately respond, especially given that she is not a particularly nurturing soul to begin with.

For the record, i'm not saying she behaved well, I am just trying to help you learn to deal with her as she IS - not as you'd like her to be. You aren't going to change her, and if you want to have a decent relationship with her, you are going to have to learn how to reconcile her shortcomings within yourself. We ALL have them, and one day, our kids are gonna be judging us ALL for them, and I think you should be as forgiving with your mom as you would hope your own children will be.

Tell your mother you are sorry, and that you were cranky. Then try setting some boundaries in case this happens again, for example, "please don't ask me to do favors for your friends when I am cranky". Or simply tell her, I can help her later, I am really cranky right now. She loves you, and she won't be mad forever.

[sookie6]

I'm glad you are able to see that your reaction played a role. The thing is, if your mother is used to you behaving a certain way, and then suddenly one day because you are cranky (which she may or may not have been aware of), you behave in a way that is completely unexpected, you can see how she might become lost at knowing how to appropriately respond, especially given that she is not a particularly nurturing soul to begin with.

Yes this is completely what happened. The fact we are night and day can't really help.

I am not judging her most times. But I've become more needy the past few years and she is definitely not used to dealing with this from me.

The dynamics have changed. But I am happy to recognise two things:

-I have an anger management problem (these genes are from my dad and my brother has it too). I guess it could easily be confused with some mediterranean indearing trait to others but I know very well that I have a difficult time taming it...

-I should not judge my mother as I think she did a good job overall and who knows what kinda mother I would be

[vashti]

You'll be the kind of mother you need to be when the time arises, I'm sure. And your mom was the kind of mother SHE needed to be in order to raise a pack of kids on her own. I doubt she would have been as good at it had she been a warm, fuzzy, teddy bear. I bet she regrets not being allowed to be that way.

So now it's time for BOTH of you to learn to accept each other for who you each are, shortcomings and all, rather than who you wished each other would have been. THAT is love. And BTW - your mother is no doubt also concerned about not be accepted by you and your sister. Everyone wants to be loved and accepted.