Getting Her Back

[fasttrack]

So I want my ex-girlfriend back. Here are what I feel are the most relevant details that may make the optimal approach less generic:
1. I broke up with her, but I let her cling on to me (few months) until SHE was ready to move on.
2. She has a new boyfriend (just 2-3 weeks before they were official, I still have e-mails from her saying she misses me), pretty recent
3. I did a lot of bad things when I realized she had moved on: anger, sadness, calling her at obscure times of the night, all that stuff you're not supposed to do
4. I recently approached her letting her know I was okay now. I made sure to avoid saying that I was ready to "just be friends", but that's probably the message she got.
5. I basically have a month of being in her vicinity before I go away for the summer (and coming back after that).

So the problem is, I REALLY don't think avoiding contact or whatever is going to work, because that's what she spent those months where we were kind-of-together-but-not-really on getting over. But I don't know how much to keep in contact... thanks for any help

[ggross]

Try to spend some time with your ex, in a friendly way. Show them that you’ve changed and remind them, by actions and not words, how much fun the two of you used to have together. Don’t talk about all the problems you had, just concentrate on getting reacquainted.

Just spending time together is a great way to see if there is still a spark there. If there is, things will most likely move naturally to a reconciliation and if theres not than at least you can move on knowing that you tried. Before you do any of this though you need to make sure you have grown enough so that you don’t repeat the mistakes you made the first time. Before you contact your ex, evaluate the person you are and make sure that you’re mature enough to try to enter into this relationship again… after all, you weren’t the first time.

Don’t make things harder than they need to be. One of the easiest ways on how to win back a lost love is simply to spend time together and allow each of you to fall back in love. It happened once, it can happen again.

[cmacattack1]

While this is very true that spending time can reignite the spark, it can only work if the past is behind you. It's not behind you or her this early on. There is still the feelings of hurt, resentment, and your crazy antics through the night. You have to be apart as CRAZY as that sounds. Everything you are doing right now is just pushing her towards the new guy. You are trying to find a way to muscle in while things are still early and fresh between her and the new guy. You are digging your own grave partner.

Ask yourself this question: why is it that NOW you are trying hard to get her back when she has a new boyfriend? Are YOU afraid of being alone without her more so than an actual future together? It just seems so self motivated. Have you even analyzed the relationship and really figured it out where it went wrong? Or made the necessary changes and worked on yourself to be a boyfriend for her? Somehow I doubt it.

While it's true that you dumped her, and it's up to you to get her back after, how can you do that when she's dating the new guy? Are you trying to take advantage of that bond you guys have had established and guilt her back into a relationship with you? It's not going to work in the long run even if it does temporarily. The best thing you can do is leave them be. It's not likely that they will work out for the rest of her life, and if by some miracle they do, I think you brought this upon yourself. It might not be over for good, but it is over for now. Accept that this is what you wanted and that if this new guy makes her happy, let them be happy. If they don't work out, guess who you will be hearing from? Her.

Leave them be. None of your tricks or antics will work in the big picture, I promise.

[fasttrack]

Thanks for the replies you two.

First of all, YES, this breakup was definitely my fault. And I understand the clear consensus is to give it space/time after a break-up--normally. But there are two things that might warrant a different solution:
1. While it feels like a recent break-up for me, she's felt broken up for months. We've spoken a few words occasionally (we're neighbors in a dorm, so it is bound to happen--what a double-edged sword, eh?), and I don't sense any animosity/bitterness about our past relationship. She has moved on, basically.
2. Since I'm going home in a month for summer (coming back in fall for school again), leaving them be just seems so pointless... I can (and must) do that all summer anway, so why not do something different now while I can?
As for a sense of immorality in breaking up a happy relationship, I don't feel like I'm doing anything unethical. I mean, she has the power to make the choice, and I'm just trying to build a strong case. I feel like I should have some sort of contact with her, but I just don't know to what degree, and how to behave around her.

[cmacattack1]

So you want to break up their relationship and get hot and heavy with her for a month before being apart for 2-3 months? How is that fair to her and how much do you think you can build in such a short period of time? How do you know things won't go back to normal and you guys will be broken up again very shortly after? If you guys got back together, would you even be able to see each other on a daily basis? It seems so foolish.

I've dated my next door neighbor in college. I dumped her, found out she was with somebody else, got her back, and we went through a horrible cycle of breaking up and getting back together for 3-4 years (all of college pretty much). Because I got lonely and didn't want her to be with anybody else. I just see this situation as too similar. It got ugly.

So she says she's over it, she seems over it, but she is giving you emails saying she still misses you? She's not over it, she doesn't want to be alone. And now she isn't. She is somebody else. Let them fizzle out and see where you will be. If you have been really working on yourself and improving yourself since the relationship, you are going to look like a million bucks to her.

She has the power to make a choice. It's unethical. Do you have any idea what you have done to this girl? I just see somebody that is selfish and wants something for himself because now he can't have it. I don't see a reason why you broke up, other than you dumped her. I only see the reason you want her back is because she is with somebody else. You want to build a strong case, and you want to prove something to her (although I'm not sure what that is). If you have even an ounce of respect for her, you should let her be. Forever is a long time, and if you truly loved this girl, you wouldn't care who she has been with if you guys would be together in the end.

I don't even see a statement saying how much you love her. I just see "Dumped her, she's with somebody else, I want her back." You are just going to hurt her again.

[fasttrack]

I don't want her back because she is with somebody else. The reason it seems like that is because she "left me" (even though I broke up with her earlier, but, as I said, we weren't really broken up) pretty much at the same she picked up another guy. I'm not gonna say I'm not being selfish, but the fact that there's someone else isn't why I want her back. I didn't give a reason for why we broke up (unwilling to make the time commitment) or saying how much I love her because I was trying to be concise and didn't think I needed to go over my whole story or whatnot. I do love her. I lost my best friend. And trying to win someone over who is in another relationship is selfish, definitely. Don't know really what to say about that except I truly believe we can be happy together, not that it justifies it.

But even going with leaving them alone, how exactly do I behave? In the past few days we have made small talk every now and then. Leave her alone, fine, I won't seek her out, but what do I do when she stops by to ask how I'm doing? Should I try to rebuild our friendship? Or is that immoral? Or does it depend on my intentions? I'm not one to believe the same behavior with different intentions makes a difference. Should I purposely try to keep it polite, but superficial and cold? Should I try to avoid her at my own inconvenience? We are neighbors in a dorm and have a class together...

[doppelgaenger]

cut off all contact. the world is full of people, there is no reason to do any of this, whether she is your best friend or not.

[xxazurexx]

I'd strongly advise never to be friends with an ex and especially if there are still feelings on your part.

Things don't always go your way and you only end up feeling more pissed off

[Jas_mine]

Give it the Summer, express your interest once you return. This will give you guys space to truly realise what you want and need. Fair enough, I understand that there is nothing exactly wrong in telling her now except that I think it's rather selfish and unfair on your part, she has only just started dating new dude, if she still has feelings for you then she will be easily swayed because they are naturally greater than what she feels for him, poor new dude doesn't stand a chance. But do you want her to pick you just because you happen to be the easier choice?

Who knows what will happen over Summer - maybe subconsciously you only want her back now due to the fact that she's unavailable. Time will confirm whether this is true or false. Also, her relationship may fizzle out over Summer or she may figure out that her feelings for the new guy on the scene don't run deep and that he will never compare to you - either way, you should give her the opportunity to realise this for herself. If you initiate reconcilliation now and your relationship deteriorates once again, she will resent you for it, that she could well have had the chance for happiness with the other bloke had you not intervened.

[fasttrack]

I'm still unsure what to do, even given that I should leave them alone. What does that mean specifically?
1. We are literally neighbors in a dorm--we share a wall. Unless I seriously inconvenience myself and like hide/sleep in the library all day, we will bump into each other a few times a day.
2. What do I do if she tries to make contact with me? Sometimes she knocks on my door and just wants to come in to talk because she's bored (translation: her new boyfriend has class at that time).
I basically see myself having three options: 1. If she tries to be friends, reciprocate. 2. Be mean to her or tell her to not bother me or that I don't want to be friends or something along those lines 3. Inconvenience myself and actively avoid her
Which one should it be?

[lahnnabell]

Lay it out exactly as you see it. You have feelings for her, and you can't just simply be her friend because she wants you there. Given your inconvenient living situation and her random visits, you have to go all or nothing. You don't have to be mean about it, but you do need to make a decision. She clearly enjoys having you around when her boyfriend isn't there. You're getting all of her left-over time, and that is not what you want.

So, you can either hang on whatever bit of attention she decides to throw your way, or you can muster up some self-respect and make the decision for her.

[sarah_allen]

Like everyone said u should just spend time with her in a friendly way, dont be too foward just play things cool. When you finally do have to leave, hug her and tell her your going to miss her. Try to stay in contact via Facebook or something but the important thing is to not just jump in and tell her to you want her back as it may freak her out.

[sagarbekal]

the answer is very simple.... a few days back i wrote this on my blog... if it relates to you then go ahead and get her... she will be all yours if you really love her truly!!!

blog: blog_sagarbekal_.info (replace underscore with dot)

article topic: Is it really all over?

i would pray for you that all good happens to you!

take care!!

-sagar

[VincenzoG91]

How are your grades? Final exams are coming up soon. Maybe you could spend more time studying at the library these next few weeks and less time lurking around the dorm.

[BelievNLove]

Being right next door makes your situation tough. If you hang out every time she knocks on your door, she's going to get the impression that you are fine being just friends. Go out, stay busy... If it appears to her that you are moving on, she will begin to see you differently. Did you ever take responsibility for the things you did when you realized she had moved on? Let her see the ways you have grown.