How to make Peace with my recent Ex.. I need closure

[Senbonzakura]

My ex and I dated for around 4 months, and had a really nice relationship together. I was always the loving boyfriend, always doing good for her, treating her like a princess in every way. However, whenever I lost my temper she never took it well and we argued frequently as a result. They were stupid arguments. She once loved me so much, she initiated the courting and first said I love you. However as time went by our relationship began to crack. During times where I warned her I might leave, she cried and almost fell into brief depression.. and during times when she 'broke up' with me she the very next day came back to me.

The final straw... After we'd broken up, we went to a club with friends. One of the guys in our group started to hit on her very much and I got jealous and shouted at her in the club. Bad idea, and I regret it so much now. From that point on, she started to hate my guts and had a fling with this other guy.. Yes, I was defeated, and I lost that battle because I gave into my emotions.


So now a 2 months and more have passed, we never really see eachother around campus anymore. I detached myself from the old group of friends we were with. THERE WAS a brief period a month ago when both my ex and one of my old friends were 'approachful' and were willing to say hi and talk... but again my pride got in the way and I gave them the cold shoulder. NOW, I realised that all these rebound girls and new friends are just filler for me. I realised to resolve the pain and anxiety in my heart... I have to face my past and swallow my pride.

SO: I believe it is for the better I should make peace with my Ex and my old friend. They became best friends as a result of my breakup with her, but they have a very turbulent friendship as they are both people with their own deep issues. However, is it possible now at this point to rekindle a friendship with either of them? Even after they initially exiled me, then were approachful and saying hi, and then I gave them the cold shoulder and we're kinda back to the awkward/not talking/ignoring/chilly phase.. I don't want to fall into the trap of being the peacemaker and have them hit back. I need them to want to become friends with me again. My Ex once loved me with all her heart so is it possible to dig up her old feelings even at this No-talking unhealthy phase? I think becoming friends is the first step, and then she'll be able to see beyond the cloud of rumours about me.


So, is it possible? If so, what kinds of physochological strings can I pull? I mean that in the sense: Show them I'm mature and willing to make peace and move on ... but not in a desperate loser way... I know there's a way to somehow make them relight the desire to become friends again. How?

If in the end, at least closure would be enough to get rid of this depression and anxiety within me.


Thank you,



In a nutshell: She asked me out, she loved me, I treated her like a princess, my small mistakes made her mad, She dumped me, she had feelings for me still, we hooked up a few times, i still thought of her as my girlfriend, I shouted at her in a club for dancing with another guy, she hooked up with this guy eventually and had a fling, we're still in the same college but never see eachother around... She went from being the dumper who wanted to badly to stay friends to the dumper who hated my guts... and there are a lot of rumours about me.. she has a clouded vision of me and in a way she's been bitten by a zombie.. i need to have that post-breakup talk and get that closure... argghhh... I feel I need to make peace with my old friend too

[Senbonzakura]

anyone please? thanks

[lahnnabell]

You've taken the first step by swallowing your pride and admitting where you were wrong. I agree that screaming at her and belittling her in public was very very wrong. That is verbal abuse right there. You lacked control in a situation and sought it out by being cruel and unsympathetic. Had she been playing into this guy's flirting and had you been together at that time, that certainly would have warranted a discussion with her, but not a screaming fit, and certainly not for everyone to hear. You embarrassed her in the worst way. I hope you truly realize what a memorable scar this must have left on her. When she sees you, all she might see is the way you looked when you publicly trashed her. I'm not saying this to be insensitive, or to piss you off, but you really gotta be empathetic here and understand what you put her through. I've been in her shoes and it is a terrible feeling.

Now, let's take an honest look at why you would threaten to leave her. This sounds like you used this method to control her and keep her subservient to you. Did you pull this card when she tried to talk to you about the relationship? If so, I'm guessing you felt threatened by this and in order to feel in control again you resorted to verbally and emotionally checking her by threatening to do the worst of the worst: break up with her. Is this making sense?

[vashti]

I don't believe in "closure". You just need to accept that it is over, learn whatever lessons you needed to learn, do your mourning, and move on.

[renon8]

After a break breakup, I wanted the same thing, the problem I faced was that my ex and I broke up several times (lots if times) during the course of our relationship, one of us sometimes would go to the other for "closure" and we'd end up talking and be back together. That would have been fine if we would have addressed our real problems but we didnt. I tried again when we were finally broken up and all it did was hurt me. I didnt need closure, what I needed was to get over her, accept that we were done, heal and learn from it. Its easy to say those things, I know; and trust me for me to actually follow thru was extremely difficult. It was more of a matter of making peace with myself....maybe thats what you really need. Not trying to act like I know everything or anything like that, but it helped me. I'd say make peace with yourself, live your life, be the person you are.
I also thought maybe someday I'll run into mine and have a civil conversation. I could do it, but if i do, I do, if i dont....I dont need to to live my life. It was tough to get to this point, but I did. Hope you get what you need!

[Gigabitch]

You need to move on. You're just looking for a way to reconnect with her, not to get closure. If you really wanted closure, you wouldn't actually need her to do it. You'd just get over it and be done.

[cmacattack1]

Two statements really stuck out to me in this:

One: "I need them to want to become friends with me again."

- You NEED them to be friends with you again. Why? Because you acted way out of line and burnt that bridge when they tried to reconcile with you? Does being friends with them again make you feel better about yourself and absolve you of the responsibility of your actions? Do you think you deserve their friendship after what happened? More importantly, your ex girlfriend. Do you think being friends with her will leap frog you back into a relationship because "all the filler girls" and "new friends" since aren't cutting it? Don't you think that being in her life after what happened will just remind her of the hurt you caused and interfere with her moving forward process? Have you thought of it in terms of that?

Two: "If so, what kinds of physochological strings can I pull? I mean that in the sense: Show them I'm mature and willing to make peace and move on ... but not in a desperate loser way... I know there's a way to somehow make them relight the desire to become friends again. How?"

- What kind of psychological strings can you pull? You think there is some cheap trick, some game you can play to magically turn them into being your friend again? I don't think you have really learned anything from this but how you feel right now is shit and the only thing you want is for you to feel better. You can only show them you are mature by actually maturing. Any act you put on or strings you pull will only get you so far before they realize you haven't changed much and that will push them even farther away. This is just trying to manipulate the situation to get what you want.

Your progress: broke up with girl, left group of friends, distracted yourself with others, feel alone, want them back. Where in there did you really reflect on your relationship? You are now, seeing what you did that went wrong. How do you change that? How do you implement it in your life so that you aren't acting the way you were before? How are you controlling your anger better? How are you working on handling situations better without your pride or ego interfering? You have to implement this and practice it on a daily basis. Easier said than done. It takes work and a good amount of time. Two months is not long at all especially when you were just trying to distract yourself and running away from accepting the responsibility of your actions.

[BelievNLove]

Tell her (and your friend for that matter) that you are genuinely sorry for the things that you did wrong without pointing the blame toward anyone else. Let both of them know you are interested in putting the past behind and working toward being friends again. Take responsibility.