I woke up upset this morning after having gone to bed feeling uneasy, but very sleepy thanks to work keeping me busy enough.
So, after 4 months abroad my boyfriend is finally home from Mexico. He's been back for almost 2 weeks now and we've seen each other very little. There are quite a few reasons for that. I feel like I'm looking for problems, and I realize now more than ever that I do this habitually. I'd like to stop it because it will only hurt me in the long run.
Before he returned we had numerous conversations about how much we missed one another and couldn't wait to see each other. However, he also explicitly discussed with me the fact that we would not be able to see each other nearly as much as we had before. Previously, I was in dire straits financially and stayed with him and his parents before he left for Mexico. This gave us ample time to be with one another and I know I was quite spoiled getting to cuddle up to him every night. Now I am living comfortably in a great house with good roommates and I have two jobs.
So, a couple of weeks before he returned home, we discussed how things were gonna go. There would be a lot less driving back and forth (we live 20-30 minutes away from each other), over night stays, and less going out. Things would be difficult at times, and I told him that I understood this. He said that he loves me and wants to move ahead regardless, and I agreed. I appreciated his taking the time to be honest and upfront with me.
Nevertheless, I still find myself over-analyzing everything. I feel disconnected, and I'm not sure if it's just me wishing we could be around each other more than is realistic right now, or if he's pulling away. He's been very preoccupied with applying for jobs, playing softball, watching the Red Sox, and getting his stuff taken care of. His parents have the expectation that he's going to start taking on more financial responsibility now that he's been out of school for a year and done with Mexico. I know that if I don't voice my concerns in a loving and understanding manner that it will only add more pressure.
I know I need to be understanding. I'm know he's concerned about money, and conserving gas (San Diego county is no help in this regard), and maintaining his priorities. If we are to have a strong future together at all, he needs to handle this stuff. He certainly doesn't want to be where I was last year. I haven't voiced any of this to him as of yet because I am trying to find some peace of mind and perspective first. It will do me no good to enter into such a conversation without having clear goals in mind. Simply whining to him that I want to see him more will do nothing but cause frustration.
/endrant