need a guys opinion.....

[millianaire]

hi guys, my new partner of 5mnths has already got a son he's 4 an my partner is 21 over the past 5 mnths all i keep hearing from him is 'he is better off without me' talking about his son, i know this is total crap but why do men think like this? is it to hard for him to accept that his son needs him? his son lives 4 hours away from my partner so communication is hard an the ex gf is so bitter towards my partner i dont know how to tell my partner tht he is makin the biggest mistake of his life by tryin to get his son out of his life. can anyone help?

[Alvy]

Tell him does he want his son to roam the streets in a couple of years time at 3am with a gang of hoodlums, shooting up drugs, beating up pedestrians, holding up stores, getting into fights which will leave him injured and/or dead, car jacking which will lead to a prison sentence, or does he want a son with a strong father figure who'll grow up into a respectable, well-adjusted young man?

[xxazurexx]

I think your bfs's views, will be shared by a very tiny minority of men on the planet, so I'm unsure why it was generalised as being a 'man' thing.

[qwertz]

he is a selfish prick if he walks away from his sons life.

[millianaire]

no he is not being selfish, he has tried so hard to contact his son, its the ex partner that is kicking him when he's down, she wont let him speak to his son and ontop of that he wont take it to court coz 'he doesn't want to put his son through that'
i just don't know what to do or say at first i thought he was being selfish but the ex has just had another baby and is constantly asking my partner for money sixty pound for a hamster kind of money.....
then when my partner asks to see his son she wont let him

[Illusional]

sometimes people don't realize what they are missing until it's actually gone.

raverboy

[xxazurexx]

no he is not being selfish, he has tried so hard to contact his son, its the ex partner that is kicking him when he's down, she wont let him speak to his son and ontop of that he wont take it to court coz 'he doesn't want to put his son through that'
i just don't know what to do or say at first i thought he was being selfish but the ex has just had another baby and is constantly asking my partner for money sixty pound for a hamster kind of money.....
then when my partner asks to see his son she wont let him

If she won't let him see his son, then tell him to stop paying the support and go seek a advice from a solicitor. He wouldn't be putting his son through anything!!! The child does not have to attend court and access to his son could be arranged immediatley - unless your bf has a tainted past and he could be proven, an unfit father by his ex. Even then, he would still get supervised access to his child.

This is his son and he is entitled to see his child.

His ex is probably claiming dole money for her kids, so she will be recieving benefits to cover the costs for her childrens day to day needs. So tell him to quit paying the support!

If his ex wants money for her kids, she should go to the CSA, who would then get in touch with your bf, ask about his income and decide how much child support he pays.
However much support he has to pay, would be deducted from his exes benefits anyway.

The way things stand and if his ex is on support and she is taking £60 extra that hasnt been declared...., she is committing benefit fraud!!

[vashti]

I think men say stupid stuff like that when they either want reassurance from the woman they are dating that they are worthy (attention getting), or when they are trying to justify why they are getting ready to abandon their kid.

[millianaire]

hi everyone thanks for the comments im not justifing my bf actions, im just trying to understand where he is coming from, he pays csa and said he will never stop paying it for his son... but i told him to stop paying it and tell his ex that he wants to see his son when they come down here to see her parents, apparently he has tried threatening her with court before and her family are well off and he said they threatened him to back off coz its not fair on his ex having to bring up his child an then to drag her through court..... i have tried explaining to him that he can get legal aid coz he is on a low wage barrier, i think he is running away from his son coz he hates his ex. i dont know what else to say to him to reassure him that he is making a big mistake. I have recently found out i can not carry full term so he has gone into a shell about kids full stop now, afta we started talking about a family.
i want to support him so much coz he's had such a rough life but i was like his son (waiting at the end of the phone for my dad to ring or waiting for him to show up at my bday party) my bf just don't see that.

[xxazurexx]

^^I'm also questioning his feelings for his ex and if he's freely handing over £60 in money and when there has been ruling he has to do this and she won't allow him to see his son. I'm thinking not many men would play by those rules, unless they still had a 'soft spot' for the ex.

I guess at same time he could be getting ready to abandon the child, but has to make out he did all he could beforehand and so as not to look like a 'scummy' father who just upped and absconded.

If guys are serious about wanting to see their kids, they take steps to get access and if they have a difficult ex. This 'I don't want to put my son through this' is pathetic!
He's only 4 and wouldn't even understand what was going on anyway and they don't drag 4 year old kids through court!

This guy either doesn't care, or there is more to this situation than meets the eye and he has something to hide, which is why he doesn't want it to go to court/fight for his son.

[millianaire]

when she asked for the 60 pounds and the rest of the money, i asked him why he was giving it to her considering she is 'well off' and he said 'just to keep her queit and off my back... he genuinely doesnt like this girl..... but he has no choice but to talk to her, he said the last time he saw his son was on xmas day when her an her family knew he would be comin to see his son, and after an hour they asked him to leave so they could have xmas dinner. he wells up when ever i talk about his son now an wants to block him i think in a way he wants to give up but knows he cant because he wants his son in his life but doesnt know how to do it, the courts are just hassel wen hes trying so hard to work for money for his son thats all e says when he does overtime 'need it for travis (his son) travis that)

[xxazurexx]

hi everyone thanks for the comments im not justifing my bf actions, im just trying to understand where he is coming from, he pays csa and said he will never stop paying it for his son... but i told him to stop paying it and tell his ex that he wants to see his son when they come down here to see her parents, apparently he has tried threatening her with court before and her family are well off and he said they threatened him to back off coz its not fair on his ex having to bring up his child an then to drag her through court..... i have tried explaining to him that he can get legal aid coz he is on a low wage barrier, i think he is running away from his son coz he hates his ex. i dont know what else to say to him to reassure him that he is making a big mistake. I have recently found out i can not carry full term so he has gone into a shell about kids full stop now, afta we started talking about a family.
i want to support him so much coz he's had such a rough life but i was like his son (waiting at the end of the phone for my dad to ring or waiting for him to show up at my bday party) my bf just don't see that.

If there is a ruling he has to pay, then he has no choice but to pay. If he stops paying support, he could go to prison.

His next step should be to contact a solicitor and seek advice, explain what is happening in this situation and tell the solicitor he is paying support.

All this 'her family have money' is a load of cock and bull!! Tell him to report them to the police and if he is being threatened. Threatening someone is an offence and if he explained the threats to his solicitor, then his solicitor can also have them a letter sent informing them of the consequences of using threatening behaviour.

[vashti]

Don't tell him to quit paying his support! It is his moral responsibility to financially support his offspring. If you really want to give him some good advice, tell him he should be living close to his son, so that visiting him would actually be convenient. I would be hard-pressed to send a four year old off to visit a virtual stranger. If he loves this child, he shouldn't be living away from him.

If the ex STILL won't let him visit, then you can get a lawyer to enforce visitation.

[legend]

I agree with you vashti