Defiant, Demanding, and Disruptive children ruining a relationship!

[elrod071]

My gf has two kids 8 and 3 who have no fear or respect for adults and seem to feel that they actually are the boss. Two things, my gf is borderline bipolar and her ex husband is very defiant and is the "nobody tells me what to do" type.

The kids have totally destroyed our relationship to make a two year story a short one. I have left her several times because of it and then have come back a few weeks in hopes of it going away. Then I end up leaving again. It's a cyclical chain of events.

I truly believe given her bipolar and ex husband being the way he is that the two children have a chemical inbalance in the brain which probably requires meds for the kids. She is totally against the meds and won't even give it a try. She has this counselor come into her home for two days a week for two hours. And one other counselor into the oldest one's school class on friday. Counseling has been in effect for 4 months now. I see no improvement at all! Now of course the lady that goes into his classroom reports improved behavior. I find that frustrating because I know that nothing has changed at home at all. Couselor and gf keep charts to record the kids bad behavior. I notice that my gf will slack off on documenting outbursts which then make the behavior charts look better. Then she acts like she actually believes the kids are getting better because the charts look better. As for the counselor at school reporting the improved behavior, I feel they pad their reports to validate their job and protect job security. And that's a shame, plus not fair to anyone involved. If the kid isn't getting better at home, he's not getting better at school either.

I think that it's come to the point where they need to be put on meds. They are horribly behaved. Every little stitch of the day is either an arguement with their mom, disagreement, fighting, screaming, or crying, drinking out of containers in the fridge, taking a dump in the toilet and not flushing, causing problems with my kids when they come over to see me, ect. She has tried to reason with the almost 9 year old that his behavior has driven me to leave several times and that it's not fair to her and I that we can't have a relationship because of him and his brother's behavior. I know to myself he could care less. He just looks at me as some guy he doesn't want there and he wishes his Dad was there.

And last, her and her family all complain about the kids behavior. Her family is hardly ever around them. Now keep in mind that I'm arround them much more than her family, but when I complain about the behavior, I'm now the instant a**hole. As if I have no right to be misserable and speak up on the problem! Now how fair is that! I think it's a crock and I'm ready to bag it if she doesn't at least give the meds a try. Counseling isn't working and I'm sick of those kids dictating the sanity level of the household!

Any feedback would be great! Thanks!

[lahnnabell]

If this is such a problem for you, then leave. They are not your biological children, and how they are raised is not your call.

[Junket]

Time to break out the belt.

[elrod071]

so basically I have no right to be with the woman that I love and am not entitled to any sanity at home? Not like I said right off the bat, "get the kids on meds or I leave". Couseling isn't even touching the problem. I don't think it's at all fair that 80 percent of our fights are caused by the kids. Put the kids to bed at night....there's many nights the older one comes out 10-15 times two hours after being put to bed. I want a drink, I want this, I want that, and oh....I forgot to do my homework at 1130 at night. It's this kind of bs all the time! So of course I have a problem with it, who wouldn't? I feel something needs to be done about it instead of her and I having to say goodbye. I mean isn't there any other advice than just for me to leave? Let me guess? Take it or leave it, right? Thanks for feedback. This is just frustration X10 for me

[vashti]

I think medicating children is a form of child abuse.

If my mother divorced the father I loved, and replaced him with someone who didn't care at ALL about me, and who wanted to drug me, and thought I was a brat in need of therapy, and refused to believe objective reports about my improved behavior at school, I would be angry. REALLY angry.

Shame on your girlfriend for tolerating you and letting you be abusive to her child. Those poor kids don't stand a chance.

And BTW - all of the issues mentioned in the previous post are PARENTING issues.... NOT kid issues (who blames an 8 year old when they haven't done their homework by 11:30 at night?), and they do NOT cause 80% of your fights. It is your unrealistic expectations and intolerance, combined with lazy parenting, that causes those fights.

[Gigabitch]

This isn't a kid problem. It's a grownup problem. Your attitude is part of the problem. Go find someone without kids, because it's clear to me that you have NO BUSINESS being around children.

[vashti]

This thread enrages me.

Here's another thought for you, elrod. I had to do a nursing rotation through an adolescent psych ward when I was a student. There was only ONE child in the whole place whose condition was not a direct result of poor family dynamics, and that poor little boy was schizophrenic. All the other kids were exactly like their parents. Look to yourself and your girlfriend if these kids aren't thriving. Unless you and your girlfriend have damaged them too extensively already, most kids WANT to please their parents, especially at age 3 and 8.

[elrod071]

Nope they don't want to please anyone vashti....trust me. and i've done a bad job at painting the picture here. they have disruptive behavior disorder, both of them and the counseling isn't working. 8 and 3 yes they are, but i knew the oldest child from next door niehbors when he was 3 and he was bad then too. I didn't get into relationship with the mother until the oldest was 6. and the 1130 homework thing was just a lie that he made up so he could buy some more post bedtime havoc. any excuse he can come up with at 11 at night to stay up he will do. hey buba, i drank water and it was too cold and now my foot hurts! stuff like that.....on and on! You'd have to be there to see it. These threads are not the best tool maybe to paint the real picture.

[elrod071]

also vashti if this thread enrages you........try living with these two boys for two years and then come back here and tell me how enraged you are then!

[Kaius]

If you have no kids of your own, you really can't understand this parent thing. You shouldn't be involved with a woman with such responsibilities unless you are able to cope with her parental stress AND your relationship stress.
Kids are difficult no matter if they are quiet or rowdy. You either accept things the way they are, or not. Things don't get easier.
If you are living with the woman and her kids, that's your 1st major mistake there.
Kids react to grownups shacking up..... This is very harmful for them.. and the relationship. Sorry.

[vashti]

I've had stepkids, and one of them was even difficult. I still find your point of view outrageous.

[IndiReloaded]

Bottom line is, you are either part of the problem or part of the solution. Right now, you are part of the problem b/c you are adding to the chaos of the family.

Children need consistent discipline. They need to feel this discipline comes from a place of love and concern for their well-being.

Frankly, you sound like you could not care less about these children except how they impact your own selfish needs. You have completely the wrong attitude about them, so I would suggest you move on and find someone without children.

That is not a judgement on your needs, BTW. There is nothing wrong with being selfish. But selfish needs often take back seat to being a responsible parent and you aren't willing to make the required sacrifices. That's totally fine, but recognize this about yourself and move on.

Oh, and whether the kids mother is also not mature enough to recognize what is necessary for good parenting is tragic, but its not your problem and you can't control it. But you can reduce the number of variables contributing to this situation: i.e. you. I hope this makes sense.

[Gigabitch]

they have disruptive behavior disorder, both of them and the counseling isn't working.

This is the result of BAD PARENTING. You're not helping. Get out of the way and make room for a guy who might actually be able to provide a more stable environment. You've left her several times. You've got ****ing disruptive behavior disorder, in my opinion.

[bluesummer]

Kids are disruptive to any relationship. I don't have them and I know that.

What strikes me, is the absolute tone of loathing you have for them. I've never heard "I care about them and want to help them", just that they're ruining your life and your relationship, and you almost say that they're doing it purposely! It sounds like you wish they'd just disappear so you could be alone with your gf.........which tells me you should probably not be with someone who has kids. They are always going to be priority one, not you.

If you took on a different attitude, things would change. Stability is key. Stop running off on their mother if you really want to be with her. Stop treating them like they're ruining your life. Even if you think it internally it shows, so change your way of thinking. Either learn to love them and be willing to step up the discipline, or just leave.

[elrod071]

they have disruptive behavior disorder. counseling has been for four months. not changing a thing. it's not my decision but i've begged their mom to at least give the meds a try. she won't pull her head out of the sand and at least try. people that have heart probs take bp meds, people with depression take meds, and kids with these types of disorders take meds. their seems to be some kind of shame in it for her. she'd rather go on living life with the kids being bad all day, every day.

I don't have a problem with kids. I have three of my own that sometimes I have to yell at once or twice a day. nobody has perfect kids, i know this. but when the behavior of a child is so bad, so overpowering, and so constant, i feel that it's not fair to the ppl that have to suffer because of it. I just want her to try the meds and then if it doesn't work then i have no right to complain. no it's not my decision, they aren't my kids but it is my opinion. I know for a fact if my kids had this serious problem, they would be on meds. Kids like this have a higher possibility of dropping out of school, getting into trouble with the law when the get older, having difficulty getting along with others, ect. I don't hate the kids, I just hate their behavior and want to see it fixed so everyone can be happy. no, not just me.......