Messed up. Heart is breaking in slow motion. Crazy.

[Ouch!]

Hello,

This will be a bit all over the place. I am battling serious depression. I think I need to vent. I have no friends I can talk too about this. I pushed them away. Too protect her.

I have been with my girlfriend for 5 yrs. She is the only person I have been with. She is a beautiful person. Inside and out. She saved my life, She pulled me out of a suicidal depression when we met. I seem to love her no matter what. Even when she hurts me and while im hurting her.

She says that she has cheated on ALL of her previous partners. That she cant explain it. It just happens. Even when she has loved that partner. She cheated on me at the very beginning of our relationship. She said this happened while she was not in love with me, when she was unsure of her feelings. It was obvious too everyone, I suspected it, but couldn't believe it was possible, I felt terrible for suspecting it. It was hell. I lost almost 40 kilos in 3months. I believed her, trusted her. I believe her now. I trust her now. I forgive her. Complicated, and I am partly to blame.

I dont want this to be taken offensively. This is just my experience so far.

I dont know any girls that have not cheated on at least one of their partners. Including my own sisters. My girlfriend only knows of one. Maybe I only know the naughty ones

My girlfriend says that "there is sex, and there is love. "Sex is meaningless self indulgence". Love is what matters.

She says she has no intention of cheating on me, but cannot guarantee it will not happen. She says she will tell me if it happens, but I know she could never bring herself to tell me. She didn't the first time.

To combat this..... i went a little crazy. And imagined her sleeping with other people until the image stopped hurting. That hurt alot. For a long time. I may have received some mental scarring there. Hehe. But it worked. Till now. So confused.

I love her, and i'm trying to understand. It hurts. I could never do this. EVER. She even suggested i should sleep with someone else!!! What the hell does that mean!?!?! She said that I feel strongly about sex because I have only been with her and that it might be good for me.

I read a study about 2 yrs ago that said 7 out of 10 women have or will cheat on a partner, 3 out of the 7 will admit to it . That 5 out of 10 men will or have cheated on a partner, 4 out of the 5 will admit it.

Does this sound right? Are females just really good at hiding it?

Is jealousy wrong? Is jealousy wrong in this situation?

I'm trying to be understanding. Are my feelings selfish to want to prevent her from being herself? From enjoying herself?

Why cant I stop loving her if it hurts so much?

Lately things went badly. Family and work, life stresses. Hypersensitive Depressive Autophobic Returns.

My depression returned. My spiral of self hatred restarted about 10months ago, during this time I started pushing her away. We haven't had sex in 9 mnths, not because she didn't want to, but because I didn't want too. A male pushing away a very sexy females sexual advances for 9 mnths!!! 2 months ago, i convinced her to stop coming around. a month later i convinced her to stop calling me. I was preparing to die. I was pushing her out of my life so she wouldn't suffer. Crazy. Or is it? I didn't tell her why and I hurt her emotionally. Badly. I pretended nothing was wrong. I'm a prick. I didn't sleep more than an hour a night for those 2 months. I couldn't stop thinking about her. Thinking it was all for the best. Thinking she is much better off without me. And in my depressed state she would be better off without me!

I was blind to what I was doing. Autopilot. Blind to my stupidity. Selfish. I am fighting my depression now. Fighting hard. I have told her all of what happened.

I think she is scared too love me again. She says she loves me. That she will always love me. But she doesn't know if things will ever be the same.

She is my first love. I haven't stopped loving her since the first time I talked to her. I know it doesn't sound like it from how I treated her. I did it out of love for her. Cruel to be kind. I hate myself for it!!! I dont know if i can forgive myself for it. I dont know whether I should go or try with her again.


We had something beautiful. We were/are best friends. We have never had an argument, never spoken an angry word too each other. We could talk too each other about anything. And spent every night together for almost 5 yrs. I hid my depression from her. We didn't talk about that at the time. But we are talking like we used too now.

Things seem good. But she is scared I will hurt her. She is confused about her feelings. I went from loving her strongly/obviously for 4 yrs too pushing her away and back too loving her strongly/obviously again.

She said she feels a bit smothered.

Amazingly, 2 mnths ago, when my depression peaked, she met up with an old MALE friend who was having a crisis off his own.

A male friend who flirts with her, sends her flirty msgs. Who, about a year ago, left a voice msg on her phone saying what he was wanted do to her. She arced up about it at the time and told him where too go.

She is helping him with work with his business at least 1 night a week. 7.30-1 at night. She says his flirting is just mucking around. She doesn't remember his phone msg.

This was about the time she re-asked "how do I feel knowing she has cheated on every partner she has ever had".

I replied the same as always, "I love you for you, if thats what you need to do, then thats what you need to do".

It was obvious too everyone the first time, I suspected it, but couldn't believe it was possible, I felt terrible for suspecting it. It was hell. I believed her, trusted her. I believe her now. I trust her now. I forgive her. I am in hell.

The more I write the more It looks worse and worse. The sadder I get. I think its obvious too everyone but me. Again. Cant eat, cant sleep. I've lost 20plus kilos.

But I still love her like the day I met her.

I dont know if I'm jealous or happy for her. I dont know if its all in my head. I keep hoping i'll wake up.

Hehe. I think I've lost my mind. I think I've lost the best thing that ever happened too me.

[thumper]

I feel your pain buddy... if you want to talk on yim my address is near my name ._.

Personally (and I am a male) I have a zero tolerance for cheating. My very first girl cheated on me, and when I found out it gave me the courage to just walk away from her peacefully without any words or fighting. I knew she was doing it from the beginning, all girls do. And it hurt like hell to walk away from the person I loved. But I never looked back, and after three years I managed to get over it completely...

I know it's messed up to see the world for what it really is. And it really hurts to know that most people here think exclusivity is dumb. But the truth is, exclusivity *is* dumb and if your girl even remotely attractive (and even if she isn't) she *will* get hit on by other guys, and when a girl gets hit on by someone she really savors the attention and enjoys the extra affection.

The world is a cruel and horrible place buddy, but if you don't want to get your toes stepped on then don't bother getting into the dance floor I always say ._.

[vashti]

I think you need to seriously address your mental health issues. People who aren't emotionally stable will only attract equally unhealthy people, who can be counted on to behave inappropriately.

And the "study" you read saying women are more likely to cheat? Eh, I call bullshit.

[Gigabitch]

You're a mess. You've cut off all of your support in favor of this person who you KNOW will hurt you. You've pushed her away, which has created a situation where her needs are not being fulfilled and now she's "helping" this guy out until one in the morning once a week? What a disaster.

Entangling yourself in a codependent relationship with an emotionally irresponsible person who makes no apologies for being a serial cheater is not how you deal with a suicidal depression. You need help, REAL help, and if you don't get it, you're going to watch all of your bad decisions come to a horrible fruition soon.

[Ouch!]

Thankyou for your replies,

Thumper, thankyou for the offer, what is yim? Hehe, I not too smart. Thankyou for your advice. I dont think i'll survive If I leave her. I cant do that too my family. Hehe, dont worry, if I survive this I WILL NEVER HAVE A RELATIONSHIP AGAIN!!! Is that what you mean about not gettin on the dance floor? Thanks mate.

Gigabitch, Spot on!. I ****ED UP BIG TIME! I know exactly what your saying but I think i'll die if I leave her. Which a big part of me wants. I cant see life after this. Im spirally down hard.
I'm seeing a pshycoloigist now. Is this the REAL help you mean? Hehe, I have Psychotic depression.......SCORE!!!

Vashti, Thanks for your advice. What you have said sounds right. I'm guessin too wrongs dont make a right though? I would love too believe that "study" was bullshit. But I think I'm safer believing it.

So is cheating wrong? Is it selfish too want her not to cheat? Its just sex right?
Am I just too sensitive?
She said maybe i should cheat on her, Will it stop hurting if I cheat on her?

I had a brain snap on friday, my mind stopped working, felt like I was really doped up, couldn't think, couldn't hear properly, constant miro sleeps, I went too the movies with her and her mate, I dont remember any of the movie. I cant tell my shrink this because we recently adopted my niece, DOCS will take her away if I get locked up. My workmates daughter was locked up a month ago for the same thing I have. If I let them know what I'm thinking they WILL lock me up.

After the movie I told her I couldn't be with her, shouldn't be with her, that she will be fine without me. I hurt her again. F**king idiot! She started crying, told me she doesn't want me to go anywhere. That she wants things to be how they were, but she cant force it to happen though. That she needs time, that she needs me to be with her. Im just hanging in there.
I dont want to hurt her. My presence is hurting her/me. My absence is hurting her/me.

I just want to be happy.

Thankyou for taking the time to give me your advise.You are beautiful people, Thankyou!

I think I'll check out some depression forums aswell.