Married, ex girlfriend back on the scene

[LostBoy]

I'm in a very, very difficult situation, one that's causing me a lot of anguish and stress. Here goes...

I'm married with two young children. We have our ups and downs like most normal couples, but the bickering is a bit too frequent and petty for my liking, and it gets me down. We've also had some major arguments, and on several occasions we've come very close to splitting up. Sometimes, I wish I'd gone through with it, but I think maybe I've been scared of making the wrong decision. My wife doesn't recognise the bickering as a problem, maybe because she's Latin. Don't get me wrong, when we're not fighting, we get on really well, and our sex life is pretty good.

The thing is, I've never actively wanted to get married or have kids, although I've never been against it either, it's just never been an aim of mine. I feel that I've been persuaded into it by my wife. I have never been 100% sure whether I wanted it, and I feel almost as if I just went along with her wishes to avoid upsetting her, although it may sound stupid. Both our children have arrived by luck, in that we never tried for them, and they came about after the one time. I feel that for the first one, I didn't really think properly about whether I actually wanted a baby (we got married because she was pregnant). For the second, it was a combination of things; thinking it might improve the relationship, so that our first could have a brother or sister, and also because I thought that I'm in the situation I'm in, so I might as well try and make a go of it.

For the last few years, I've had a sense of not being in control of my life, of not being satisfied, and wondering what the hell I'm doing in the situation I find myself in. Also, due to the fighting, I feel that one day, I'm just going to say enough is enough and finish it.

A short while ago, an ex-girlfriend got in touch with me out of the blue through having found me on the internet (to cut a long story short). She said she was going to be in the country and wanted to meet up (she's foreign as well). I was really happy to hear from her, and looking forward to meeting up. This ex is very special to me. We met a few years before I met my wife had and a short but intense realtionship. She then had to go back to her country, but we kept in touch, I went to visit her, and told me she was making arrangements to come to my country to go to University so we could be together. This all fell though, as her mum wasn't in favour (this girl was 18 at the time). I felt things for this girl that I'd never felt before, and never since, not even with my wife. I wanted to be with her, and I was sure of that. Anyway, fast forward to a few weeks ago.... we met up and got on very well - too well. I stayed with her for three nights (my wife was back home in her country). It was incredible, it just felt so right. I felt the first time round that she was The One, and I feel that now as well. She's gone back home again, but we've kept in touch. She wants to get back together, and so do I.

I've started talking to my wife about the issues and doubts that I have, and we're probably in the process of breaking up, which is very upsetting for both of us. We've been in a good patch for a while now, since the birth of our baby a few months ago, so it's come as a bit of a shock for her. I don't want to tell her about what happened with my ex.

I'm having doubts, again, as to whether I'm doing the right thing. My gut instinct is to finish it and get back with my ex, but I'll hurt a lot of people.

What can you advise, posters? Please help!

[Gigabitch]

Your ex is not the answer to your problems. She seems perfect because you don't have to live with her from day to day. Think hard before ditching your wife in favor of this woman, because she's mostly fantasy at this point.

[Jared2316]

You have kids. They come first in your life. Do you want to set the example of running from a relationship because you think the grass is greener on the other side? Let me tell you, it never is. Your focus should be improving your relationship and setting the example to your kids that marriage is for life and family is always first. Set bad examples and you can almost guarantee your kids will follow in your foot steps. Is that what you want for your kids?

[LuvGuru]

My girlfriend desperately wants to be married, Im not for it but, thats another story. I thought for a half second about doing it for her. I quickly realized that wouldnt be a good idea. If you were to end your marriage because it wasnt working, that wouldnt be good but, hey...it happens.

If your considering ending it for the EX then you may wanna hold up...Theres no way for you to know (other than your feelings) that things with you and the Ex will work out.

[IndiReloaded]

I've never actively wanted to get married or have kids

For the last few years, I've had a sense of not being in control of my life, of not being satisfied, and wondering what the hell I'm doing

an ex-girlfriend got in touch with me out of the blue. This ex is very special to me.

I felt things for this girl that I'd never felt before, and never since, not even with my wife.

I felt the first time round that she was The One, and I feel that now as well.

Regarding affairs, this is what is called "rationalizing the wrong"^. Newsflash: Love does not make it okay and The One is a load of crock that sells Hollywood movies.

She's gone back home again, but we've kept in touch. She wants to get back together, and so do I.

Your ex knows full well you are married. So, her moral compass doesn't exactly point North, does it? A decent woman would leave you alone and not get involved with you while you are married and with small children.

We've been in a good patch for a while now, since the birth of our baby a few months ago

I don't want to tell her about what happened with my ex.

Your poor wife. I bet you don't want to tell her about this.

I'm having doubts, again, as to whether I'm doing the right thing.

No, you are not. You made a commitment to YOUR WIFE. You have a responsibility to your family. If you and your wife are having communication problems then seek counselling to make things better. You owe it to your kids. Frankly, it doesn't seem like there are any deal-breakers with your marriage, just a pending mid-life crisis for you. Suck it up. Take steps to make things better if you don't like it. Take action BEFORE you drag your marriage and family through the muck. And stop communicating with this other woman/potential home-wrecker. That's what grown-ups do.

[url=http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8115_prob.html]When should you tell your spouse "We have a problem."[/url]

[alwaystryin]

Lostboy, Indi is SOOOOOOOOOOO right. This thread should be shut down with ^this being the only post left in bold as your answer.

[LostBoy]

Your ex is not the answer to your problems. She seems perfect because you don't have to live with her from day to day. Think hard before ditching your wife in favor of this woman, because she's mostly fantasy at this point.

I don't plan on leaving my wife for her. What happened with her caused some underlying issues to come back to the surface, and made me question my true feelings for my wife. If I were happily married, I wouldn't have done what I did, and I've never done it before.

You have kids. They come first in your life. Do you want to set the example of running from a relationship because you think the grass is greener on the other side? Let me tell you, it never is. Your focus should be improving your relationship and setting the example to your kids that marriage is for life and family is always first. Set bad examples and you can almost guarantee your kids will follow in your foot steps. Is that what you want for your kids?

My parents split up when I was five.

Regarding affairs, this is what is called "rationalizing the wrong"^. Newsflash: Love does not make it okay and The One is a load of crock that sells Hollywood movies.

Whether or not you agree with the concept, I would hope that you at least understand what I mean.

Your ex knows full well you are married. So, her moral compass doesn't exactly point North, does it? A decent woman would leave you alone and not get involved with you while you are married and with small children.

It may surprise you to know that she's very uncomfortable with the situation. Not enough to stop it, though, I'll accept that. She wants to break off contact for a while to give me time to sort out my head.

Your poor wife. I bet you don't want to tell her about this.

Yes, my poor wife. The only reason I don't want to tell her is because she would be devastated; I'm guessing you think there's a different reason.

No, you are not. You made a commitment to YOUR WIFE. You have a responsibility to your family. If you and your wife are having communication problems then seek counselling to make things better. You owe it to your kids. Frankly, it doesn't seem like there are any deal-breakers with your marriage, just a pending mid-life crisis for you. Suck it up. Take steps to make things better if you don't like it. Take action BEFORE you drag your marriage and family through the muck. And stop communicating with this other woman/potential home-wrecker. That's what grown-ups do.

When should you tell your spouse "We have a problem." (link removed)

I've spoken to my wife about my issues. She wants to have counselling. I'm not sure if that will solve anything, as for me the issues I have go beyond whether we can learn to get on better.

My ex isn't a potential "home wrecker", as I've alluded to in a previous reply. Neither of us get a kick out of this, it's not out of the excitement of doing something taboo or whatever that this has happened.

[IndiReloaded]

Oh please. You think your situation is special and 'meant to be'? LOL. Your story and your attempts to justify yourself are as old as the hills and common as dirt. Of course you are thinking of leaving your wife for this woman.

Lets do a mental experiment: If your long-lost love suddenly decides she doesn't want to be with you (lets say she meets another ex who is single and she likes more than you), would you still be considering leaving your wife?

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Yea, I thought so.

And yes, if you leave your wife and kids for your ex that DOES make her a homewrecker, by definition. You are engaging in willful blindness to try to justify something you know is wrong. But whatever helps you to sleep at night. Like I said, there are many husbands and wives who do what you are contemplating. Most come to regret their decision, especially given how decent your wife sounds. Your local happiness is worth more than your commitment, clearly. Good luck.

PS - did you even click the link to Will Harley's site I gave you? You should at least research what you are contemplating before leaping ahead and destroying your family. The path you want to walk is really VERY common and you should know that your chances of longterm success with your ex are slim next to none. Here it is again:

[url]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5024_qa.html[/url]

[LostBoy]

Oh please. You think your situation is special and 'meant to be'? LOL.

No, I don't

Your story and your attempts to justify yourself are as old as the hills and common as dirt. Of course you are thinking of leaving your wife for this woman.

Lets do a mental experiment: If your long-lost love suddenly decides she doesn't want to be with you (lets say she meets another ex who is single and she likes more than you), would you still be considering leaving your wife?

...


..



.

Yes, I would. We have come very close to splitting up several times, and none of them had anything to do with my ex.

(link removed) Yea, I thought so.

And yes, if you leave your wife and kids for your ex that DOES make her a homewrecker, by definition. You are engaging in willful blindness to try to justify something you know is wrong. But whatever helps you to sleep at night. Like I said, there are many husbands and wives who do what you are contemplating. Most come to regret their decision, especially given how decent your wife sounds. Your local happiness is worth more than your commitment, clearly. Good luck.

PS - did you even click the link to Will Harley's site I gave you? You should at least research what you are contemplating before leaping ahead and destroying your family. The path you want to walk is really VERY common and you should know that your chances of longterm success with your ex are slim next to none. Here it is again:

(link removed)

If I leave, it won't be for my ex, as I've already said. I have no idea what my prospects with her are. I did click on the link, although I haven't had time to look at it in any detail yet. I could do some research, as you say, but I already have direct experience of divorce. I've thought over and over again about the consequences. I'm trying to sort out what my true feelings are, trying to sort my head out. That's why I came here. I was hoping for considered, mature and open-minded debate, not judgement. I thank you for your honestly.

[IndiReloaded]

Will's site isn't about divorce. Its about a realistic look at marital infidelity, its outcomes and consequences. From a professional standpoint with lots of case histories. I would strongly recommend you take the time to read the site before making any irrevocable decision.

Your judgement comment is rather amusing. If you can't handle being judged on this topic on an anonymous internet forum, then god help you in real life. Because you WILL be judged. By your colleagues, friends, neighbours, family and, most importantly, your children. Good luck.

But, perhaps you will get lucky and someone will post who agrees with you.

[LostBoy]

I will definitely take a look at the link, thank you.

I can handle being judged, and I know I will be, by a lot of people. I judged my Dad for what he did. I held a grudge against him for years, which is part of what makes this so difficult. I don't want to hurt anyone, I want to be happy, like everyone else. As I've said, I'm trying to clear the mess in my head. Your tone is judgmental. You condem me for what I'm considering without apparently considering my point of view. Perhaps that's to strong a word...

I do apreciate your feedback, but there's no need for the insincere wishes of good luck.

Point taken on your last comment, though...

[Jared2316]

So you despised your dad for what he did, yet now you are going to repeat history? For gods sake ,think about your kids. Their happiness is priority over yours

[alwaystryin]

Oh God, can I just repeat my first post?

[IndiReloaded]

Have you told your wife about this other woman? If its screwing up your marriage, she probably deserves to know why.

[IndiReloaded]

Oh God, can I just repeat my first post?

Come on, alwaystrying, tag team me. I get tired of repeating myself. Sometimes other people can say it better than I can.