Married, ex girlfriend back on the scene

[LostBoy]

lilly1185 - I've reported your last post.

[lilly1185]

Again, you're wrong. I didn't come here to justify myself. I don't care whether a bunch of total strangers approve or not. I came to see if I could get any help sorting my head out, but I'm going to need a professional for that. I'm tired of having to refute incorrect assumptions.

And I have been listening. I've read your links, Indy, thank you. I have said to my wife "We have a problem" hundreds of times over the years, but sometimes she doesn't appear to listen, and there are some things we just can't agree on. Maybe I've gone about it the wrong way. I'll look over them again.

Wah.
If you were seriously considering it, you wouldn't have thought about it, or told someone you were doing it. You would have just done it.

You mentioned yourself your wife wants to go to counseling. So do it and quit putzing around on the forum.

[IndiReloaded]

Okay I'm going to steal from Hayward again:

First, spend some time considering yourself APART from your roles as a father, husband, friend, lover, professional or whatever. You and your navel get together and have a few good conversations about who YOU are, want to be, want to represent, believe in...the whole ball of wax. Once you're sure you're clear on that...

Then, prioritize. If who you are says you should take more effort to make your marriage better, then you have to tell your ex to back off and do everything else that logically follows from that decision. No long conversations on the phone. No charming emails. None of that. They just complicate you being able to follow through on your decision. That THAT might hurt her feelings, or put her in a position of thinking she has to 'wait for you', isn't your problem. She owns her feelings and you have no obligation to them other than to be clear about yours. All you're asking her for is to respect your feelings, in any case. If, on the other hand, who you are tells you want to 'trade out' to a better partner, then you have to tell your wife that's your intention and proceed to go on about doing that. (Although, I've always thought it was better to trade up with the partner you have by hanging in there and working out the issues.)

Then, STOP and let things develop. There is no 'solution'. There is no 'fix'. There is only your passion and what you decide to do with it. Since passion is always in constant flux, it continuously presents you with new sets of choices. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' choice; there is no one-size-fits-all 'answer to things'. There is only your commitment to what and who you want to be, and how well that commitment helps you roll with the punches...or doesn't. Make your first decision; follow through on it; then wait for the effects of it to become manifest before you try to make the next decision.

I happen to think your first steps should be to cut off all contact with your ex and get into counselling asap. You can't expect to fix anything going into it half-assed. Decide what you want to do per the advice above, and then proceed accordingly.

[LostBoy]

Thanks Indi. I've started looking for a counsellor. Hopefully I'll get a session arranged within the next few days. Meanwhile, I think I'll go for a very long walk.

[Lite]

The proper answer is this: Don't talk to the ex girlfriend, and go to counseling.

As for being "persuaded into" crap by your wife. Stop whining. Either you put your foot down about what you do or do not want in your relationship, or you agree with it.

Basically the honeymoon period of your marriage is over, and now you're thinking the grass might be greener. Frankly, love starts when the easy stuff ends and real life kicks in.

Go get some marital counseling and get a sense of perspective about how things REALLY are before you do something stupid like assume that grass will be greener with an ex. Short but intense relationships usually mean there's something really broken by one or both of the people involved, and that it is somehow codependent.

[Lite]

Again, you're wrong. I didn't come here to justify myself. I don't care whether a bunch of total strangers approve or not.

Actually that is what you did. You painted a picture of how shitty everything was with your marriage, how you felt you were tricked into having kids when you didn't really want them, and then how you've been talking to an ex and you miss how things used to be.

You didn't actually ask us for advice, you wrote a diatribe about how you felt things were going to end.

Really it's your life, and your choice. More often than not the advice here is to leave whatever spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever you're with...But we do call out people who simply come here looking for an excuse for their poor behavior, decisions, and faulty moral code. You started talking with your ex, which you know is wrong. You started dreaming about a life with your ex instead of your spouse, which you know is wrong. You started making excuses as to why you're unhappy in your marriage without laying ANY blame on yourself, which you know is wrong. Very rarely does only one person screw up a relationship. It takes a pretty specific type of asshole to accomplish this, and frankly neither you nor your wife really sound like that kind of asshole.

As someone who HAS cheated on their spouse I will offer you this one small but very important piece of advice. Don't do it. Divorce, suck it up, or go to counseling. DO NOT CHEAT. I say this for YOUR health, and YOUR well being, not for your wife's. It opens up a very large personal can of worms that very few people who cheat ever overcome, and that starts with the simple question of, "Am I capable of being faithful and monogamous in a relationship ever again?"

[LostBoy]

The proper answer is this: Don't talk to the ex girlfriend, and go to counseling.

As for being "persuaded into" crap by your wife. Stop whining. Either you put your foot down about what you do or do not want in your relationship, or you agree with it.

I've made the mistake in the past of not being strong enough or confident enough to listen to or trust myself.

Basically the honeymoon period of your marriage is over, and now you're thinking the grass might be greener.

The honeymoon period was over a long time before the ex showed up.

Frankly, love starts when the easy stuff ends and real life kicks in.

True.

Go get some marital counseling and get a sense of perspective about how things REALLY are before you do something stupid like assume that grass will be greener with an ex. Short but intense relationships usually mean there's something really broken by one or both of the people involved, and that it is somehow codependent.

Will do.

You started making excuses as to why you're unhappy in your marriage without laying ANY blame on yourself, which you know is wrong.

In reference to the arguments, I have accepted some responsibilty for this. I said "it takes two to tango" in a previous post. I'm sorry I've given the impression that I'm not laying any blame on myself; just to make it clear, I know I should have had the balls to listen to myself rather than go along with things for fear of making the wrong decision, or hurting people. If I were to end it now, I would cause immesurably more pain that if I'd have ended it years ago. I know I've fcuked up.

[Lite]

In reference to the arguments, I have accepted some responsibilty for this. I said "it takes two to tango" in a previous post. I'm sorry I've given the impression that I'm not laying any blame on myself; just to make it clear, I know I should have had the balls to listen to myself rather than go along with things for fear of making the wrong decision, or hurting people. If I were to end it now, I would cause immesurably more pain that if I'd have ended it years ago. I know I've fcuked up.

Failure to live your life deliberately and with measure is pretty much the biggest failing you can ever have. You need to accept that by not making decisions you accepted what was handed to you, and because of that you have a responsibility to see those things through to their logical conclusion. Raising kids, getting married, it's all part of this. Now, it is understandable to be on the fence of iffy about something. We all have those moments, but failing to enforce your boundaries, needs, and requirements to be happy is your problem. Your fault, your mess, you have to clean it up. Mostly likely it means either you find a way to be happy with your life, your lack of choosing (by choice), your wife, and your kids... Or bending over for child support, and knowing that you failed as a husband and partner.

Now, don't get me wrong here. Counseling ends just as many relationships as it helps, but at least you know you tried and will have a better understanding of why the marriage actually failed if that turns out to be the case.

Life is hard, and will always have bad times. The biggest, most honest question you can ask yourself is this: "Is sharing the bad times with my wife better or worse than being alone and having the same problems?" And this is the essence of marriage. Acknowledgment that your life is better for having that person in it. When times are bad, they're bad, but you have help and support. When times are good, they're good, and you have bonded over them.

[LostBoy]

Thank you.

[fi123]

I think you need to consider, lost boy, whether at this moment you are still in love with your wife.

If you don't feel you are, i suggest taking a total break from your wife and your ex for a month to think what you should do. (i.e. no sneaky meetings with your ex, no calls, no texts etc, just a total break for a month). Maybe move in with some friends or family for a month.

I know you have children but you can still arrange to see them regularly, and there arealways ways of arranging this without you having to physically have contact with your wife.

I know some people think this might be hard on the children, but if you leave the marriage for good that will be harder for them to deal with initially.

On the other hand if you decide to stay in the marriage they will forget in time that you weren't around so much for a month. Many fathers work away from home for extended periods.

[Misfit]

If you are so desperate why don't you think outside the box? Polygamy is a reality.

au.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100420051313AAbIrzM

polygamynow.blogspot.com