My GF dumped me, and I'd like opinions on the situation

[Markdavis]

I'd like to get some other people's opinions on my situation, and more importantly if there is any hope of a future reconciliation or not.

The story:

We have been happily dating for 3 years. She is a 36 year old single mom who lives at home with her father (her daughter also lives there). I live in my house that I own. About two years ago we decided that I would fix my place up and they could move in, or at least spend a few nights there now and then. But time has been short and money slow to save so the work has gone slowly. So I spent half of my week at her dads house with her and the other half at my place. A year and a half ago she got laid off from her job. She has doing small contract work to make money but it's not much, she lives off of unemployment. She hasn't been able to find a new job, and it's bothered her big time.

We have rarely fought at all in 3 years, other than minor quibbles that were quickly resolved. About 4 months ago she started to feel slightly distant. When I confronted her on this she said she felt like she was being smothered a bit, so I backed off slightly to give her some space. Things seemed to be okay then, until we spent a week vacation together with her daughter and family at the end of June. After we got back from that, she broke up with me in the first week of July.

She told me that her feelings have waned, that she doesn't see us having a future together, and that she just doesn't want to be in a relationship now. She said it's not black and white but shades of gray.

It's important to note that I was planning on proposing at the end of July / beginning of August timeframe. She knew it was coming, her whole family was expecting it.

Since the breakup, over the past two months we have gone out a few times, talked some, been intimate a few times, and now I know more. I now know that she did not want to live in my house at all, she dreaded leaving her dad's home (he owns a lot of land and her family lives there). I was married before and she feels that my house is mine and my ex-wifes, not mine and hers. She also says she feels some resentment for me because she sometimes didn't act like herself in order to spare my feelings. For example, not giving hugs to people for fear that I would get jealous or possessive. She also tells me that lately I have been acting like a wet paper bag, being too accommodating to her and not attentive enough to my own needs. She is also bothered by the fact that we have never had a real good serious fight. She sees this as a problem.

Of course I never knew any of this until weeks after the breakup.

During talks over the past two months post breakup, I told her that I had planned to ask her about selling my house and building a new one together on her dad's land. I was going to ask her this when I proposed. We have also both acknowledged that both of us avoided fights with each other in order to keep each other happy. That was a mistake. I have also told her that she should not be changing behavior for me when I haven't asked her to, and it wasn't fair of her to resent me for something I didn't do. It feels like we have made progress.

However, she is sticking to her guns. She keeps saying she has moved on, that she doesn't feel the same way anymore, and that she doesn't feel like we have made progress. She has also been on three dates with three different guys, but she says that they aren't anything serious. I've tried to keep in touch by both phone and texts, and she responds but does not initiate any contact anymore. This past weekend she really got me mad, so I sent her an angry email where I basically told her that she isn't trying to fix us and she has just given up, she isn't the woman I thought she was, and that I deserve to be treated better. I pretty much told her that if she isn't willing to work with me then to hell with her.

And she responded with that I need to move on, and yes I do deserve better, but that she doesn't want to be that for me anymore.


So now I'm resigned to giving up, forgetting about her, and moving on with my life. But I've got this nagging feeling that she will come back, that maybe the space and time apart will make her realize what she is losing. I know I can't think like that, but I can't seem to shake the hope or gut feeling that it will happen. I love her so much, but I don't know what else I can do at this point except walk away. It just feels like I don't have a good reason for this breakup, like I will never understand why she did this.

Maybe I just need an outside opinion and perspective. How does this situation sound to all of you? Does it sound like she might come back? Or does it sound lost and truly over?

[just-me]

I'm not sure if it's gonna help but I'm under impression that women do stupid things when they're under stress.
My girl did the same thing to me and I just moved out today. I'm still hoping she'll realize her mistake and try to get me back.

I'd like if someone could explain how women can change their feelings just like that especially because it seems they suffer too!

I hope it all works out for you man!

[santhej]

bro go and read this book...it will surely help you out...i was in a similar situation..this will really help you:tinyurl.com/loveguide4u

[Bella82]

You may never understand why she did this, or why she acted the way she did. The important thing to understand is that she ended the relationship and asked you to move on. Don't be with someone who doesn't want to be with you - you said it right, to hell with her! Who knows what will happen in the future, maybe she will come back and realize what she lost, maybe she won't - but if she does, who's to say that you will even want her back?

What you need to remember now is that the both of you need time apart with no contact. I'm not saying it will be easy, but you need to make a commitment that you will work on yourself and what is important to you - you have to make plans, go out and keep busy.

Good luck:-)

[Bella82]

I'm not sure if it's gonna help but I'm under impression that women do stupid things when they're under stress.
My girl did the same thing to me and I just moved out today. I'm still hoping she'll realize her mistake and try to get me back.

I'd like if someone could explain how women can change their feelings just like that especially because it seems they suffer too!

I hope it all works out for you man!

Just-me, why do you say it was a mistake? Is it not a blessing that this happened? You should be happy to find out sooner rather than later that the woman you were with does not want to be with you and was able to tell you this, rather than stringing you along and hoping things will get better - making it much harder for both of you in the long run.

Women do not all of the sudden decide from one day to the next that they do not want to be with someone. It may feel like that because she didn't tell you about the things that were upsetting her and how serious the situation was becoming in her eyes. She may have been thinking about breaking up with you for a while, but was unable to tell you, or perhaps she wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do yet.

I would hope that if my boyfriend was thinking for a while that he didn't want to be with me, that he would just tell me straight out and not keep me with him while he took his time to decide.

[just-me]

bella82, I wouldn't really call it sooner after 5 years of relationship. I believe it was a mistake that she just gave it up instead of trying to communicate, because prior to things that happened to us we had amazing relationship! I wanted to give her my support, she wanted to be left alone, it was my mistake as well, I should have just left her to go through it herself but I kept trying to reach her and it was annoying her.

[Markdavis]

Well, I've been doing some reading for the past week or so, especially stuff by Matt Huston and others about what causes women to break up and such, and I think I now understand just what went wrong, and more importantly WHY she did this.

I think she lost attraction for me.

And that in a nutshell is WHY she broke up with me, I think.

I have definately been putting her needs before mine for some time now. I did it for good intentions though, she is a single mom who is unemployed, but still that may not have been a good thing to do. And I have been sort of treating her a bit nicer lately because she is under stress. Maybe too nice. You could even say I put her on a pedestal more or less. My behavior may have killed the spark for her, maybe it wasn't becoming of "alpha" male behavior.

Of course she never worded it like this, possibly just to spare my feelings. Or maybe she doesn't even understand what she is feeling (or not feeling anymore) herself.

Now that we've been apart for a few weeks, I realize that I had pretty much put my life on hold for hers. After she broke up with me I felt like I had lost everything, like my whole life had been ripped away. I think that's because it pretty much was. If so, it's kind of my fault for letting things get to this point. I shouldn't have been SO giving or even there for her that much. I need to live my own life too, I should have realized that while we were together.

Now I feel bad for telling her to go to hell, and blaming her for ruining our relationship.

Everything I have read says I need to not contact her for at least a month. I need to give her the "gift" of missing me if I ever hope to save this. That scares me, because she is dating already, and alot can happen in one month. But she needs time to miss me, and I need time to get into a more confident frame of mind. I need to lose the needy and desperate urge to fix us. I guess I'll wait it out for a month and then contact her just as friends, maybe catch up, and see if I can jump start her attraction for me again. If she has really moved on by then and is involved already then I'll just have to accept that it's over.

This is going to be a tough month...