I need a man's advice

[BusyBee]

Hello there!

I wanted to see if maybe you can help me out understanding my boyfriend.
Now, he is 11 years' older than me, he has a 14 year old kid from a previous marriage that ended in divorce after 18 years. Since he's had a couple of relationships and a few flings.
Fair enough, I've never been one for short stories and I tend to concentrate on my career. Nevertheless I was in a realtionship for 5 years which ended a year and a half ago.
We were not on the same wavelength at all and I'm quite an energetic person and he was rather lazy, so after a few frustrating years, it was time to end it.

Now, my new boyfriend is completely different, first he is caring, loving, helpful, attractive, funny, many an adjective I can use.
We've been together for 5 months and I start noticing that he is trying to slowly move into my daily life, trying to make it discretely. It was just about, one night here, one afternoon there, him telling me that he didn't want to go to quickly as he was hurt too often and wanted to take it slow.
Far enough, I have a house to renovate and I was quite happy to see him a few times a week and none of us was getting stressed, we could^both go about our normal activities.
The last few weeks, I have noticed though that he has been making hints about moving in together, left shirts and throusers at my place if he staid without warning.
Then this morning, he said that he could see himself having a little girl with me.
Wow, now I really do love him and I've never felt as comfortable with anybody before but I have to say that I'm a bit scared.
I made it clear to him from the start that kids are not part of my plans, not only for career reasons but because of a rather bad family history.

Can you explain what's going on?

[kitkitkitty]

sorry in advance for the lack of 'man' in me but i read anyway. you sound pretty uncomfortable with what's going on so you HAVE to tell him outright that you won't move in together or talk about kids, after 5 months is ridiculous by anyone's standards. the reason he may be doing this is either 1. he's got more life experience and has been there, done that with most things so feels he can move more quickly while you on the other hand have a lot more to live. or 2. he's felt very lonely after his failed marriage and wants all of what he had back in his life ASAP.
how old are both of you btw?

[BusyBee]

Hello there!
Thank you for answering. I'm 33 and he is 44.

I agree with you that I'm definitely not ready for anything that quick.
I reckon you might be right about him feeling lonely.
I have a house, cats a job I love and when I come home at night I find nothing more relaxing than doing a bit of DIY or gardening.
He gets home, cooks himself dinner, watches TV, has a shower and goes to bed.
I'm wondering if what he needs is not a hobby or some mates with whom he can do something instead of focusing completely
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[kitkitkitty]

he definitely needs to make sure he's got loads of mates, everyone does
if he carries on hinting and making it obvious, you need to sit him down and be obvious and open too. he should understand you need your independance.

[BusyBee]

Problem is, I tried that, and he said he understood, but then next thing I know, he asks about our future.
I don't want to end up in a similar situation as before. I don't want him to be making efforts now and in a few months' time, just not bother anymore.
I need somebody I can rely on and up to know, I'm not sure I can on him.
Sometimes, the one or the other thing makes me think, he is trying to hard and trying to convince me that I'm more than juts another fling.
Tomorrow, I'm going out for a drink with some mates and wondered if he wanted to come with us. First he said yes but then this morning he said to me, h by the way, I might go to the doctors tomorrow afternoon, so I wont join you. Might go to the doctor? you need an appointment for a doctor here, can't just turn up and he would have had to book the time off work.
Last week was a similar event, he told me Thursday, I'm off work tomorrow so I won't see you til Saturday, fair enough, but funnily my boss told me to go home on Friday morning as I'd been doing quite a bit of overtime.
I texted him telling him that and no answer until 8PM. Then he said, I was mowing the garden. Now I know the size of his garden and he certainy doesn't need 8 hours for that.
See, it's a bit confusing.

[kitkitkitty]

if he can't understand that you need to be an independant woman then maybe he's not right for you, sorry. he's surrounded by family ties and it must feel weird for him to have a gf who likes her space. i think you've expressed this somewhat in your post. if your friends know your situation ask for their advice as they most probably know you both. you may need to have a think on your own about it all. 4 months isn't really long so it's better to make important decisions now than to amble along waiting for him to accept things that you know he can't.

[Incognito]

Well you've only been going out for a few months and he's talking about moving in and having a daughter with you? That is disturbing indeed. I think his lying is also very disturbing, especially this early in the relationship. The "might go to the doctor" and "mowing my garden" were obvious lies (unless he had a doctor's appointment and was considering canceling it). No one mows their lawn for eight hours though. His lack of attention to your clearly spelled out wishes is a bad sign too. He sounds like someone who needs more emotional support than you're ready to give or he's looking for a free ride because you have a career and a house (we call those people gold diggers here in the states).

Do you know why his marriage ended, or why his other relationships failed? At 44 he is set in his ways, and whatever he was doing in the past he will probably keep doing.

[BusyBee]

HIs marriage ended cos he was a bit to clingy with his wife too. She wanted to do mor stuff with friends and he always wanted to go with her. I like doing my own things, true and I'd even involve him, but somehow I don't think he wants to be.

As for gold diggers, he has a nice house too. Quite a new one, so he is not after that. I bought an old farm that I'm renovating bit by bit on my own, takes time but it's fun.

As for being set in his ways, I agree too.
As for the lying, I casually asked him this morning what he was going to do this afternoon, and he said go to the doctors, i said ok, but that won't take all afternoon, that got him all confused and he started rambling on about papers and plants in the garden and other things.

I reckon, when we have time this weekend, I'll tell him straight out that i'm having doubts and that I don't like the fact that one minute he says one thing and the next something else.

As for my friends, Kittykitty, they think he is lovely, and frankly I can't even blame them for it, when he is with me most of the time he is but it's just them controversial comments.

[kitkitkitty]

HIs marriage ended cos he was a bit to clingy with his wife too. She wanted to do mor stuff with friends and he always wanted to go with her. I like doing my own things, true and I'd even involve him, but somehow I don't think he wants to be

this shows you that he was indeed set in his ways even before his wife and he divorced and however lovely you are i don't think he's going to change that for anyone however many times he's told.

[BusyBee]

I think you're right. I'm going to have a serious talk with him and put it all in the open.
Looks like I'll have plenty more time for my DIY.