Relationship of 6 years is ending/has ended: How can I get it back?

[Caxap]

Apologies in advance for this being a bit of a long read. I’m sure it seems rather rambling at times but this is the first time I’ve actually sat down & thought about everything that has happened from start to finish, so it’s a bit of a stream of consciousness style.

My girlfriend & I have recently split up after 6 and a half years & I am completely devastated. This was the woman who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with & up until a couple of weeks ago she constantly told me she felt the same, now it’s all just fallen apart & I’m struggling to understand why.

We‘ve had ups & downs like anyone else but generally things were going great until I lost my job a little over a year ago. She had just spent 18 months herself trying to find a job since completing her master’s degree so it really felt as if something was conspiring against us. We had been living together for just over 3 years at this point & when she got her dream job it felt like the last piece in the puzzle. We had discussed marriage & our future lives together a lot, & although she sometimes felt I was less than enthusiastic about it unbeknownst to her I had spent the months previous planning exactly where & when I was going to propose. I had even found what I thought would be the perfect engagement ring & had been saving like crazy to get the money for it.

After 5 months of unemployment I found a job doing the same kind of work I had been in previously, the only catch being it was back in my hometown (around 3 hours from where we lived). At the time it was the only opportunity to continue doing the work that I was trained to do so it felt as if there wasn’t much choice in me having to accept the position. In hindsight this is probably the worst decision that I have ever made. Compared to where we lived my hometown is a very small place & although my parents are still there any contacts/friends I had growing up have long since gone in the 11 years since I last lived there. It wasn’t just the fact that she was not going to be with me, my whole life was based around where we lived together & I couldn’t give that up.

From the off we both agreed that this was only going to be temporary and I would be doing everything possible to find another job back where she was & move back down there as soon as possible. On top of this I was adamant that I would be travelling down to see her & my friends every weekend instead of us splitting the commute. Doing it this way I could stop even the slightest possibility of me developing links to my midweek location, which would push me even harder to get back down there. It literally became a case of turning up for work 9-5, going to my parents house to sleep & then travelling back down to see her every weekend. By leaving work as soon as possible on a Friday I could get there at a reasonable hour & not have to leave until late on a Sunday. 2 days a week wasn’t ideal but it was better than nothing at all.

For a while it worked & despite the odd weekend where I was tired due to the travelling & not the most receptive person we both still knew that it was only going to be a temporary thing. Unfortunately she couldn’t afford to pay solo rent on the flat we had so had to move back into a room in shared accommodation, but we just saw this as another reason (if it were needed) for me to hurry up and get back down there.

As time dragged on I got more frustrated at being unable to keep my promise & get back down there with her. The post recession job opportunities weren’t materialising & for whatever reason the other big thing that I had promised both myself & her I would do (get a driving licence) was being pushed to one side. I spent my evenings stewing in utter boredom just counting the minutes until our daily phone calls & the hours until I could get down to see her on a Friday evening. Things continued in this vein for me for a few more months until a couple of weeks ago everything changed.

She had just been forced to move house again due to her previous flat being sold and had organised a birthday/housewarming party to celebrate her moving in with new people. Obviously I was there & at one stage she asked me to set up the music for the party on her laptop. While doing this I took the opportunity to check my emails but when I brought the page up it went straight to her inbox as she hadn’t logged out. Without even thinking I went to log out but for whatever reason glanced down the inbox list as I did, & saw a confirmation message for a gift which had been bought by her. Nobody that she knows (other than herself) had a birthday or any other kind of celebration around that time so it kind of stopped me in my tracks and got me curious. This is something that I had never even thought about doing before but here I was with the opportunity to read her emails and a mystery gift being bought for someone. I opened it up to see that it was a driving test DVD (irony!) that she had bought for a guy who lived just around the corner from her old house. An extra delivery note had been added by her telling this guy that she hoped it would help and to get in touch if he needed any more help with things. After racking my brains for a couple of hours trying to work out who the hell he could be I remembered her mentioning months back - when she moved house the first time - about a guy from work who turned out to be living across the street. She had never mentioned him since, but I just knew this had to be the same person.

She had said that there was a good chance that most of her work friends would be coming along to the party so I hoped that would include him so I could get a chance to see who this guy was. As it turned out nobody from her work came to the party but I still couldn’t shake the thought of what I’d seen. I guess I could’ve asked her about it straight away at this point but for some reason I didn’t want to, mostly because I figured she would be angry about me invading her privacy by reading her emails.
For the next week it seemed as though I was the one doing all the running. Whereas previously it was a toss-up as to which one of us would call first in the evening it was always me who called her, and the conversation didn’t seem to flow. Something wasn’t right. We had a friend’s wedding to attend the following weekend at which she took ill meaning she didn’t spend a lot of time socialising. I did my best to make sure she was ok and tried not to think any more of it but even the next day when she had improved she was still very quiet and distant. That evening when we got back to her house she showed me some sexy underwear she said she had bought herself (and me) for her birthday the previous week, but had been unable to show me at the weekend because of how ill she was. She had even taken a few pictures of herself modelling it which she said she would send to me by email as ‘compensation’. Obviously I said yes, but as she was doing this I got a glimpse of her typing in the password to her email account. Why I decided to continue looking I don’t know but after watching her log in I saw a couple of emails at the top of the page between her and a guy with the same name as the one she had bought the present for. Rather than say anything I instead made a split second decision to remember the password I had just seen her type in & have a look for myself at a later date.

(Continued on next post)

[Caxap]

(Continued)

For the next couple of days all I could think about was what I had seen in her inbox, the way in which things had seemed to change with her & whether or not I should follow through in using her password to check her emails. In the end I finally decided that it was the only way I would be able to satisfy myself on the issue, & if it turned out to be nothing then I could just forget the whole thing.

Since watching her log in a new list of 2 -3 email conversations between her & what turned out to be this same guy from work had appeared. The first ones started out with asking each other how their days had been and arranging to meet for coffee after work. The tone changed after that though and the language between the 2 of them became much flirtier in the later emails. The final one turned out to be a message from him referencing her being ill at the weekend, which had a picture attached of him with his shirt off and a little message hoping that it “made her feel better”. She had also sent him a response to this one with the title “for when I feel better” & a picture attached of herself in the underwear she had bought. The same picture she had sent to me. At this point my heart just sank & I thought I was going to be sick. Not knowing what to do I ended up walking straight out of work & calling her. Obviously I didn’t want to let her know that I had read her emails but at the same time given what I had just seen I couldn’t think of what else to do. Was it what it seemed like? Was she cheating on me?

In the end I came straight out and asked her directly if she was seeing someone else. She sounded incredibly surprised that I would ask such a thing and immediately denied that anything was going on. She came out with all sorts of questions herself in response such as why I was asking now and what had made me think this. I tried to steer it in the direction of this guy from work by asking her about all the times she went socialising with her colleagues after work and how I had never been invited to meet them, but still she denied everything. In the end I forced her hand and jumped straight on a train that evening to meet her. When I eventually arrived I could tell that she knew something wasn’t right (I would never have called her at work otherwise) but that didn’t stop her from denying it until I had no other choice but to come straight out with it and tell her I had seen all of the emails between the 2 of them.

At this point she changed her story. First of all she said it was nothing but then admitted there had been some ‘flirting’ going on between the 2 of them, & for whatever reason she not only didn’t feel the need to stop it but had been engaging in it wilfully herself. Even though they weren’t living near each other anymore they had apparently started talking to each other more over the last few weeks at work &what had started as a ‘shoulder to cry on’ turned into flirty emails & going for coffee after work. She said she had been feeling unhappy & the attention cheered her up. She swore to me despite the emails that nothing physical had happened between them other than a hug goodbye after one of their after work coffee ‘dates’.

At this point I was beyond livid and ended up ranting at how totally unbelievable her story was, and not really knowing what I should do I ended up saying some truly horrible things to her and walking out of her flat. I eventually went back and stayed the night (sleeping on the floor). The next day it was more of the same (albeit a lot less vitriolic) & we parted with her in tears apologising & me saying that I needed to think about whether or not I could see her again.

The thing is of course I wanted to see her again. I had panicked about what I had seen & was so scared that I might lose her that I just came out with what I thought needed to be said to stop anything else from happening between her and this guy. After a day or so of not contacting each other I sent her a text, asking how she was & if she had been back to work. I got a reply saying she was as ok as she could be, had talked to a lot of friends & family about what was happening (whether they got the full details of what she did I don’t know) & asking me how things were at my end. I told her I still had a lot of questions that needed answered so we agreed to speak to each other the following day. I asked her if she’d spoken to the guy involved again (she hadn’t) and quizzed her on some of the finer points of her story which just weren’t making sense (which she couldn’t answer any differently as she’d apparently already told me everything). She then said that I wasn’t going to get the answers I wanted & maybe it would be best if we took this whole thing as a sign that things weren’t going to work right now.

To begin with she didn’t completely rule out the possibility of us getting back together at some point. In those first texts since I confronted her she told me she loved me and missed me but needed “to get her head straight”. Only a day or so later though when we talked on the phone she seems far less convinced. Things have gone from her telling me that I can call her anytime to saying that this is it & asking me not to get in touch for a while. I asked about getting back together or trying to make it work she said that I don’t deserve to be treated like this & it would be really difficult for us to get back together knowing how much she did hurt me in the first place. I tried to explain that if anything I was being hurt more by what she was doing now as well as apologise for some of the things I said. Although she probably deserved some of it in hindsight most of it was downright nasty, vindictive & not at all what I was actually feeling. When that got nowhere I brought up the possibility of us even continuing as friends. Her response was that “I don’t think you’re going to be able to do that right now are you?” & that it was probably for the best it was kept at a distance for now.

The worst thing for me about this is the way in which she’s trying to just cut off all contact like the last 6 years never happened. In just a week & a half & we’ve gone from wanting to spend the rest of our lives together to her not wanting to see or hear from me. She said that she had been unhappy for a little while which I understand to a point but if that’s really true I can’t understand why she hasn’t even tried to talk to me about it. I know the fact that we only saw each other at weekends was a big strain & undoubtedly the main reason why we’re in this position today. At the same time if the problem was this big I thought that after all we’d been through she could talk to me or at worst her friends. Not confide in some random guy from work who was blatantly taking advantage of the situation. She has sworn that she isn’t leaving me for him & that nobody else is involved. Right now I think I am willing to believe that but at the same time she is going to be seeing him pretty much every day, & I am stuck miles away unable to do anything about it.

All I want is for us to be back together. I know that it ‘d be impossible to just pick up where we were before I moved away, I would at least like the chance to try & get back to that. I’ve never stopped trying to find a job & move back down to where we lived – if anything my efforts have increased over the last couple of months - & not once have I thought that it wasn’t going to happen. As I said earlier she was the biggest reason for getting back but it wasn’t the only one: everything I have ever known for the last 11 years is in that same place & I just feel lost right now.

I know that it’s still very early days & the best thing I can do is try to give her some space but it’s going against every single feeling I have in my body. To me it was the space between us that has helped drive us apart so I can’t understand how even more of that is going to help? It just seems like she’s giving up on what we had without a fight.

[just-me]

I feel for you bro. My story is very similar to yours. My ex loved me so much that I just couldn't see it coming. Her feelings started drifting away when we started having problems, just like in your case, not related to our relationship, we didn't have fights or anything. The right person was there for her in the right moment and offered her escape from daily routine and life issues. literally in few days she's changed . I saw her txt messages, just like you checked her e-mails. I know when they met, when he invited her for a coffee and dinner and I think she was gonna cheat on me. On the day we broke up I didn't suspect anything, she was just a little aggravated and we ended up discussing her behavior until I basically told her that we'll have to work on it or break up. She accepted my offer and broke up with me!
I believe that new guy is in your way now and her feelings for you are being blocked by feelings for him. She still probably has some feelings for you buried somewhere, 6 years is a long time, but I'm not sure if there's anything you can do to bring them back. I gave my ex time, I'm not contacting her anymore, she will call eventually and then we'll see what happens.
In the meantime, work on yourself, try to be as happy as you can. That's what I'm doing. You were probably not in best shape lately because of all the issues you've had, and I was the same. Next time we meet I want her to see the person she fell in love with in the first place, not beaten up person I was for last few months of our relationship. If that doesn't work I don't see what else possibly could.

I wish you all the best.