Old Flame

[lugbear]

I find myself in a situation that I never imagined possible and am seeking advice. First a little background.

I have been married to the same woman for almost forty years. We met our first year at University and became friends. Eventually we became romantically involved (lost our virginities to each other). After graduation we decided to get married. I was not absolutely certain that was what I wanted at the time but my experience with the opposite sex had been very limited and I knew I liked this girl and wanted companionship, and I didn't want to hurt 'Patty' since her expectations were most definitely matrimonial. And although I never felt a deep passionate love for her I knew she had those feeling for me. I remember thinking it was better to be loved by her than to spend a life alone looking for someone that I could feel that way about with no guarantees of it ever being requited.So we were married. Like most marriages there have been ups and downs but we've forged a comfortable and loving relationship. Not passionate but caring and secure.

Almost a year ago we attended Patty's fortieth High School reunion. There I met the man who was my wife's first love. A relationship that had ended badly when he had gotten another girl pregnant at the time that he and Patty had been dating. She had not seen him in all the time since High School and had never even mentioned him to me. He was charming and handsome and it became clear as the two of them talked and interacted that there was an emotional healing that was happening for them both. It was really quite a beautiful thing to observe. By the end of the night we were all friends.

This event affected me in a way that got me thinking of my own first love from High School. Also a relationship that had ended badly under oddly similar circumstances to my wife's first love experience but with roles reversed. But unlike Patty, I did not move on so easily from this first love experience. I carried the flame for Sharon for two years in High School after our breakup and beyond. I always found myself comparing the women that I met to her. In my third year at University during a summer break I got a surprise call from Sharon. She asked if we could get together. She told me she was going to be leaving the country for a year to study abroad and was making an effort to say her farewells to the people in her life who had been important to her, as she thought it likely that she would end up living there permanently.

Although I had been exclusively dating Patty for almost three years to that point and hadn't spoken to Sharon since High School , I jumped at the chance to be with Sharon. That night we went out for dinner, talked about what we'd been doing for the five years since we'd last been together, reminisced, and eventually ended up having sex (the first time for she and I and only the second woman in my life). As we parted she asked if I had any interest in visiting her during the school year. I explained that I would not have the money to be able to arrange travel. She said she'd call me. And so we left it at that. I never heard from her again. I was devastated.

So based on Patty's experience with her ex-flame I thought I'd attempt to get in touch with Sharon. Perhaps try to establish a friendship and allow for some emotional healing to take place. It was not difficult to find her with the many tools avaiable today on the internet and so after a very tentative first email we started communicating regularly. After several months of mundane discourse I discovered that she had left for school the very next day after our 'night of passion'. That she had written letters to me which I never received since I had moved only a few weeks after she had left, and that our tryst had ended in a pregnancy. She ended up having an abortion and much like I harbored bitterness after I thought she had left and never had an interest in being in touch again, she had the same feelings about me, assuming that her letters had reached me. We now realized that we had affected each others' lives in profound and irrevocable ways of which neither of us was aware for all the intervening decades, neither of us had ever 'gotten over the other', each married as a compromise, and that but for missed communication we might have share a life together.

After these revelations we decided that it would be helpful to see each other in person. When we finally did, it was the most emotional time of my life. We both shed tears, comforted one another over 'what might have been' and re-connected in a very real and passionate way. But this healing has come at a cost. We once again have fallen deeply in love. Fallen in a way that we never have with either of our spouses (Sharon has been married for nearly thirty-five years). The longing and sense of a missed life are constantly on our minds. We've both had great professional lives and successes. We both have had 'good' lives but both have lacked that special kind of love.

The question I pose to the folks here is this: What would you do? How would you proceed given the circumstances described above? I would most sincerely appreciate any opinions and insights. Thanks so much in advance for your help.

[ammi00]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through something like this, especially because one of my greatest fears is that I'll "wake up" late in my life, wondering "how it would have been if...".
Basically, you took some unfortunate decisions over the course of years: getting married with a woman you didn't really love, and not contacting Sharon for all these years.
Now, I can't make choices in your place, you're the one that decides what he wants to do, but if I were you, I'd do whatever makes me more happier and more content. In your case I believe this would mean being with Sharon. You lived so many years in a compromise type of marriage, with a woman that loved you, and I don't think it's fair lying to her, lying to you and Sharon (by not giving you 2 a chance, and continue your facade marriage). I'd tell tell the truth (again, if I were you) to Patty... but I wouldn't make it sound as if you never loved her at all. I'd tell her that after all these years of marriage I think she deserves to know the truth... that you aren't interested that much anymore in her and that Sharon sparked your interest.
I think now you have 3 adults that are unhappy - you, Sharon and your wife, who probably senses something. So why not telling her your situation? That way you'll have 2 content adults and one that might recover. What I'm saying, might sound selfish, but I don't think it is. You deserve a chance with Sharon, and your wife deserves to know the truth. Actually, nobody would have to live in lie anymore, and you wouldn't have to think what it could have been.

[ecenur]

Being [url=http://www.chacha.com/topic/married]married[/url] is a huge thing, I personally believe that if you and patty were not in love at the time the both of you would of had not been [url=http://www.chacha.com/topic/married]married[/url] in the first place. However, I think what you and Sharon had was something huge, the [url=http://www.chacha.com/topic/ovulation]pregnancy[/url] part is very touching and could of had been a good way for the both of you to be together. It's hard to say what anyone would do in a situation like this, I think you just need to trust your instincts.

[sparkle_jello]

Other people may feel sympathy, but I think you are a jerk. It's your own fault you married for the wrong reasons and now your wife is going to end up suffering the consequences. The fact that you cheated was bad enough, but you continue this emotional affair. You disgust me.

[Agape]

What's the point? . . . you were MARRIED for 40 YEARS . . . appreciate life for what it is, not for what it might be. learn to love reality.