Thinking of breaking up with her, but she did nothing wrong.

[Iamabeliever]

I have been thinking about breaking up with my long distance girlfriend of 10 months but she has not done anything necessarily to deserve it. She is loyal, gorgeous, in shape, has her own job, cute, does not like to party, does not make me jealous or anything like that but for some reason after we made a decision for her to finally move in with me, I have been really considering breaking it off. I am having these thoughts because now she will be in my state away from her family, friends, job...her life...just to be with me. This puts so much pressure on me to replace what she is leaving behind and I alone cannot replace that, it is so stressful. Also, with her moving in, it makes me realize that this is a long long term commitment...we are talking marriage and babies for a destination. I am in love with her...I do not why I am thinking like this. I am 23, I have my own job and place...I dated enough...Why am I all of a sudden thinking like this? I was accepting of this since I have not physically seen her in 6 months, I do not feel that passion like I used to...maybe I should at least see her before I make such a big decision...I do not want to shatter her heart. What do you think?

[sparkle_jello]

You don't have to have a reason to break up with someone. People only need this if they are married.

[Iamabeliever]

Great point...I guess I am just really afraid of hurting her very badly and abruptly. I broke up with my ex like this and a year later she still harasses me and is in counseling.

[Incognito]

I think that the possibility of permanence scares you, as it does many guys your age. At 23 many guys are still "just dating" without a timeline for a permanent long term relationship or marriage. I was married at 21, but that is what I personally wanted. If a long term relationship isn't what you BOTH want then don't do it because you will find a way to subconsciously sabotage it. As I said earlier I don't think that you anxiety has as much to do with living up to what she is leaving as it has to do with knowing that you are one step closer to being with one woman for the rest of your life. This is something that you need to communicate to her, but gently. Let her know that either 1. you think that moving in is not good right now because things are moving too fast, or 2. let her move in but let her know that marriage will be further down the line if she asks. You also need to determine when you think you'll be ready for a long term commitment and communicate this to her because it is not fair to string her along for a long time if you don't want to commit until the distant future. Keep in mind too that finding a woman with all of the attributes that you describe is rare. Decide wisely.

[Iamabeliever]

Your advice is golden and I take it to heart... I needed an answer like that. Yes I know, finding another woman with the same attributes as her will be very hard to find. There are not many girls like her...but they are still out there. My parents urge me to move on and be single again but I just do not think that they understand. Are parents usually correct with their children's love endeavors? My parents have always been right about mine. I took their advice and it ended up working out the best for me.

[Incognito]

Parents' life experience make them wise, but you eventually have to make your own decisions and learn from them. If you always let them make decisions for you you won't be living your own life. Also, if they make a decision that doesn't turn out so well you'll blame them. Remember, no one makes good decisions all the time and eventually they will tell you to do something based to their experiences which might not be what is best for you. The best I can tell you is to carefully consider what you really want and when and to act accordingly. I don't recommend simply breaking your relationship off and running. Find out if your relationship timeline is alright with your girlfriend. For instance, if you want to wait 6 years to get married and she wants to only wait 2 can you two meet somewhere in the middle or simply revisit the topic of marriage in a few years? Discuss all of this with her because there is no sense in making secret decisions since these decisions involve both of you and your future as a couple.

[Agape]

"she has not done anything necessarily to deserve it"
"for some reason after we made a decision for her to finally move in with me, I have been really considering breaking it off"
"makes me realize that this is a long long term commitment"
--> Commitment issues are becoming realized, she is serious about this

-

"pressure on me to replace what she is leaving behind and I alone cannot replace that, it is so stressful"
"we are talking marriage and babies for a destination."
--> You two are planning a future together, this is probably putting on more strain?

[Gigabitch]

I think it sounds like a case of cold feet.

So she moves away from her friends and family to be with you. That's not the end of the world. If it doesn't work out, she can always move back. You're over-thinking this whole thing. Let her move in and see how it goes. It's not like you're getting married yet.

[BrownDog52469]

Been in the same situation. My gf sold her home and moved to be near me when I went away to law school. It was very stressfull knowing that she gave up her job and her home, ect. to follow me. If she is still going to move to be with you I suggest you talk to her and make sure that she knows that you're taking it one step at at time and that there are no promises at this point. It will help reduce your stress, and in the event things fall apart you can walk away knowing you did nothing wrong.

Yes, you don't need a reason to break things off. The toughest breakup I ever went through was with a girl who was everything I could have asked for. I just didn't love her; I just didn't feel that spark. But mariage and babies is serious business if you're not sure about the relationship.

[humili]

I have been thinking about breaking up with my long distance girlfriend of 10 months but she has not done anything necessarily to deserve it. She is loyal, gorgeous, in shape, has her own job, cute, does not like to party, does not make me jealous or anything like that but for some reason after we made a decision for her to finally move in with me, I have been really considering breaking it off. I am having these thoughts because now she will be in my state away from her family, friends, job...her life...just to be with me. This puts so much pressure on me to replace what she is leaving behind and I alone cannot replace that, it is so stressful. Also, with her moving in, it makes me realize that this is a long long term commitment...we are talking marriage and babies for a destination. I am in love with her...I do not why I am thinking like this. I am 23, I have my own job and place...I dated enough...Why am I all of a sudden thinking like this? I was accepting of this since I have not physically seen her in 6 months, I do not feel that passion like I used to...maybe I should at least see her before I make such a big decision...I do not want to shatter her heart. What do you think?

If you dun mind, I feel that you already dun love her. You are pending here bcos you dun like to be seemed the bad guy.
Ask yourself what you really want first!

[IncognitoSir]

First, I think it's good that you realize you're not ready for this kind of commitment. Realizing it now, rather than after she's moved in with you is GOLDEN. I think you should discuss how you feel with her before she moves to your town. Maybe she'll be willing to give it a try anyways with some minor changes to what you guys have been discussing. I wouldn't call it cold feet just self awareness which is always good.

[Incognito]

"she has not done anything necessarily to deserve it"
"for some reason after we made a decision for her to finally move in with me, I have been really considering breaking it off"
"makes me realize that this is a long long term commitment"
--> Commitment issues are becoming realized, she is serious about this

-

"pressure on me to replace what she is leaving behind and I alone cannot replace that, it is so stressful"
"we are talking marriage and babies for a destination."
--> You two are planning a future together, this is probably putting on more strain?

Hey Agape. I notice that, like me, you quote people a lot. There is a quote button at the bottom of each post to quote people which will show exactly who it came from instead of retyping everything and readers having to guess who made the original statement(s). The quotes can be edited in the text box before posting if you only want to use part of it.

[sparkle_jello]

Hey Agape. I notice that, like me, you quote people a lot. There is a quote button at the bottom of each post to quote people which will show exactly who it came from instead of retyping everything and readers having to guess who made the original statement(s). The quotes can be edited in the text box before posting if you only want to use part of it.

How about helping me trying to import a stupid picture....

[Incognito]

It depends on whether its online or on your computer and whether you're trying to use it as an avatar or post it in a thread.

[sparkle_jello]

It depends on whether its online or on your computer and whether you're trying to use it as an avatar or post it in a thread.

Well, the camera I have takes enormous pics, I always zoom out to view them, I can't put them anywhere because they are too big a file. I am good with PC, but I switched to Mac 2-3 years ago. I love Mac, but I am not as good on some of the applications. If I were on a pc I would know how to do it I feel.