For most people to change, I really feel like it takes learning the hard way to really understand what went wrong. Some people, bless their hearts, are very self aware enough or spend enough time thinking about things to fix it before it really derails and end in horrible heartbreak, but we really mostly learn from our mistakes. Losing my ex and NOT getting her back was when I really started to change and make a difference. As funny as it sounds, not having her life and just being on my own has really given me the time to really focus on me. And it doesn't happen overnight. It has taken a good couple months of giving up chasing after her and really focusing on myself before I started to make any real progress. And I still at times relapse on poor decisions and end up falling into bad routines like I used to. But I am getting better at catching myself and those kinds of occasions are less and less frequent.

And even though I can rattle off a laundry list of stupid things, bad things, hurtful things that I have done in my most recent relationship, my ex had some problems too. She wasn't 100 percent right, she made mistakes. And I honestly think that she was cheating on me towards the end of the relationship. She was already dating a guy when she dumped me, and I really feel like it stunted her growth a little bit. Now we aren't close anymore and she could very well be a very different person, but I have bumped into her a couple times and her decisions and actions have shown me she hasn't really come very far. The same argument could be said about me, every time I've seen her I've been at college hammered out of my mind and that was one of my bad habits. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, instead of being on her own for a little while she jumped right into the next relationship without hashing out any of our issues from before. For some reason growing up, we really feel like we know so much about relationships based on what we see from our parents and our family. We don't really know anything though. And for me, this was a serious wake up call.

I noticed that it's all too common that we have this belief that "If it was meant to be it would have worked out. They aren't the one for you if it didn't." My mother, being 60 years old, told me this when I got dumped. Blows my mind that she can have such little self awareness. Maybe it didn't work out because I was extremely immature and acted like an asshole? Taking responsibility for my actions was part of me being on my own and growing up. Not blaming her for yelling at her because she made me emotional or something. She didn't put a gun to my head. I chose to act like that because at the time I thought I was right. Love doesn't magically turn you into somebody that you aren't. Love doesn't fix things for you and make everything happily ever after if it's "true love".

All it is really is an emotion, a feeling that you can't really describe it as any other word. You want it to work? You have to always be striving to be a better person and you HAVE TO BE CONSISTENT. You can't just fall into the deathtrap of getting too comfortable and acting like they are always going to be there for the rest of your life. And even at the end of the day, and you've given it everything you possibly can, there is no guarantee that it will be enough because it takes two for it to go anywhere. For the best chance, you both have to be working together and while you can't force them to do anything they don't want to do, you are completely and entirely in control of your actions.

To answer your question, should you have dumped him to make him wake up and realize and change him? Nope, because guess what? If it takes dumping them to make them change or realize, they are too immature for the relationship to begin with. And not to mention, when I was still talking to my ex, and going on and on about how much I changed, the truth of the matter is I didn't change. I was scrambling to try and prove to her I was a different person when we were still talking. I was still being selfish though because I was trying to claw my way back into a relationship she didn't want to be in (hence the breakup). Proving something proves nothing at all. If you have really genuinely become a whole new person, don't you think somebody like your ex who knows you more intimately than anybody else would notice? It will be extremely noticeable in the way you act, the way you talk. Saying "look at me, look at me, I'm a different person" says absolutely nothing has changed.

I've met a few girls that have this take charge attitude. Like they have to train their man, and not let him get away with anything. Fight about every little thing you don't like so you don't end up like a doormat and take charge. I think this is also way too extreme. If you have to train him, he's still too immature for the kind of relationship you want. And you might be a controlling bitch too. It takes a mutual level of respect, some giving and taking, and lots of communication. Which I think reading this, we all know that's pretty obvious, but rarely is it executed. Especially in our age group.

I think this time off would be great for you and your insecurities. Being on your own and not depending on anybody for happiness is a great way to build up your self esteem and work on those insecurities. Does it get lonely and miserable? Yeah, it does at times. You shouldn't want to be with somebody because you NEED them to be happy. You should want them in your life to build on your happiness. Big difference. I've gone through my fair share of bumps in the road being on my own for 13 months (with no sex either, yikes, who wants to take my virginity again? Heh.). But if you are focusing on keeping school and a career on track (getting top grades or getting promoted, etc.), if you are focused on having a good time (spending time with your friends, putting yourself in situations that help you meet new people), getting in shape to feel good and confident physically (ever since my break up, I go to the gym 6 days a week), you will be brimming with confidence and that will be the most attractive thing to anybody. I think we are all looking for a PAL (Personality, Attitude, and Looks in the order) and being yourself (personality) and having confidence (attitude) will trump anything else.

I have second guessed myself and wondered if I was being too picky as well because I have been on a few dates and been talking to a few different girls. None of them really did blow me away either, but at the same time, you have to give each and every one of them a fair chance. Because I think for the most part, have any of our exes really blown us away at the beginning? They are way too few and far between. But you have to be keeping an open mind and knowing what you want if you want to move forward with somebody new. While these girls fizzled out (either they didn't really do it for me or didn't give me a fair chance) is disappointing, you have to stay positive. Go to a concert or the mall and just take a look around. Look at how many guys/girls are out there? Believe that you will find somebody and that in the end everything will be alright. You aren't 50 years old. You are young and you have a good amount of time left. Make the most of it and when you aren't looking, guess what you will run into....

Being a girl is the easy part. You get to be choosy. Use what you have learned from your broken relationships to make better decisions. Because the experience is the only positive thing you can really take from a horrible heartbreak, and there is nothing more tragic than making the same mistakes over and over again.